JEZEBEL:
Heya, sweeties. I’m Jezebel, live from the depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. Sit on down, grab yourself a cup of coffee or the blood of innocents, and settle back, because it’s time for Cat and Muse! Before I begin, let’s give a warm welcome to my producer and good friend…the Muse Melpomene!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
You’re looking lovely as ever, Mel. You do the Grecian Revival thing very well. Is that a new toga?

MEL:
OLD HABITS DIE HARD.

JEZ:
I hear that. Me, I’m still eyeballing every guy I meet and thinking about what his soul would taste like, even though I’m not a demon anymore. Tough to unlearn four thousand years of conditioning, you know?

MEL:
LIFE’S A BITCH, THEN YOU DIE.

JEZ:
By the way, Avid Fans, Mel here is one of the nine Muses. Specifically, she’s the muse of tragedy. Used to be the life of the party, until she watched one too many episodes of Dawson’s Creek. Now all she does is speak in clichés. And quotes from television shows. Tragedy if I’ve ever heard it.

Now, you may be wondering WTF, why is a book character hosting her own blog? Well, sweeties, it’s true that I’m a character in a novel. So what? Like that means I don’t have anything to say? Novels are great, as far as that goes, but it sucks being able to say only what the author lets you. [BLEEP], talk about censorship.

I mean, take a look at Huckleberry Finn. Good story, about to have a fabulous related story by Jon Clinch hit the shelves in a few months. But do you really think that Huck himself spoke in apostrophes? Holy [BLEEP] in Heaven, people, the real Huckleberry was an Oxford graduate. English accent, slurped Earl Grey.

MEL:
THE WHOLE NINE YARDS.

JEZ:
Exactly. But people don’t realize that there’s more to good old Huck than what Mark Twain showed us in Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer. Don’t even get me started on Becky Thatcher. Girl was a real slut. Take it from one who knows.

So, point is, yes, I’m a book character. BFD. Now, if you want to read my Dear Creator Jackie Kessler’s words, straight from her own mouth (okay, fingers), then you should go to her other blog, Insert Witty Title Here. But Cat and Muse is my baby. My Dear Creator is invited to visit here in the studio, of course. Hear that, Jax? Think you can handle me uncensored? Come on over. Phone lines are open.

MEL:
THE WATER’S FINE.

JEZ:
Anyway. So, this is Cat and Muse. What to expect? Basically, the format will be something like this.First, I’ll say my hellos, then will dive into a rant about whatever I feel like. Being a former succubus, I have certain convictions (sex = Good; milk = Bad) that I’m all too happy to discuss. I may bitch or cheer about something happening in the world at large (ooh, lookee at all the death, doom and destruction!), and I may drool about certain Hollywood eye candy (Matt Damon, if you’re reading this, I want you, dipped in chocolate).

Then I’ll talk about my favorite topic. (Hmmm, what could a succubus-turned-exotic-dancer’s favorite topic be? I’ll give you three guesses.)

Next comes the part I’m really excited about: character interviews. That’s right, my sweets. I’ll be interviewing other novel characters, right here on Cat and Muse. Like who, you ask? Ah, my Avid Fans, just you wait. Patience, grasshopper.

MEL:
PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE.

JEZ:
Bless me, you’re right. Well, [BLEEP] virtue. You can expect interviews with vampire queen Betsy Taylor, star of MaryJanice Davidson’s Undead series, and Birdie Lee, star of Melanie Lynn Hauser’s Super Mom series, to name just two. Me, I can’t wait to ask Betsy to get into nummy details about Sinclair, or for Birdie to tell the truth about whether superheroes have super stamina in bed. We’ll also be meeting a few up and coming stars, like Vlad Tod of Heather Brewer’s August 2007 release, Eighth Grade Bites. And, of course, I’ll be interviewing my costars from Hell’s Belles, maybe even a Muse or two.

MEL:
GO AHEAD, PUNK. MAKE MY DAY.

JEZ:
Mel loves her sisters, can you tell?

Finally, I’ll close with something about my Dear Creator. Like about how she has this thing about having to check the expiration date on milk cartons. Really, Jax—milk? Feh. Actually, I can’t blame her for that, as I’m convinced the only thing milk is good for is baby cows. But yes, I’ll close with a tidbit about Jackie. Because I can. And if she doesn’t like it, I invite her to come on the show and talk to me directly.

[KISSY SOUNDS]

Remember, Avid Fans, if you have any questions about Jackie, about Hell’s Belles, or about me, you just go right ahead and comment on the blog. Mel and I will read everything you write, sweeties. Especially the love notes.

MEL:
LOVE STINKS.

JEZ:
Now, now, sweetie. No quoting song titles.

That’s it for now. Remember, my sweets: lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also clinically proven to reduce wrinkles. Smooches!