JEZEBEL:
Heya, sweeties! Grab a cup of obscenely expensive coffee, then plop on down in your easy chair, because it’s time for this week’s edition of Cat and Muse! This is Jezebel, former demon, coming at you from the quagmire of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as ever, is the lovely, the talented, the deadly Melpomene! Say hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
Chipper as ever, Mel.

MEL:
Happy as a clam.

JEZ:
For those just tuning in, Melpomene is the Muse of tragedy. Thanks to too much television, she’s stuck speaking in clichés and quoting lines from popular culture. Not that that’s a bad thing. A bit stupid, maybe, but hey, what can you do?

MEL:
Stupid is as stupid does.

JEZ:
Sweetie, if you’re going to go all Tom Hanks on me, can you focus on his Sleepless in Seattle period? He was a cutie in that. Or maybe something from Philadelphia. Loved those lesions. Looked good enough to slurp—I bet they had a yummy cream filling!

[SLURPING SOUNDS]

Mmm, Tom’s wonderful. He can do a Woody for me any day. Ooh, Tom, I’ll be the Toy in your Story any day! Howdy, howdy, howdy! Haven’t seen Tom in The Da Vinci Code yet. Jackie read the book, so I peeked over her shoulder along the way. You know I was rooting for the albino, right? Give me them bad boys any day. By the way, Jackie liked the story, but hated the writing. Can you see my eyes rolling? Freaking authors. Them and their word fixations.

MEL:
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

JEZ:
Exactamundo. Before diving into this week’s Dirty Thought, I wanted to read some of the love notes that Mel and I got last week. Let’s see, first from Jon Clinch. He says we’re off to a “hell of a start.” Heh, humor! Me digee the humor! Thanks, sweetie. You’re off to a damn good start as well, Mr. Super Big Title From Random House! Finn, hitting bookstores in early 2007. Of course, Papa Finn did all the work, and Jon’s stealing all the credit. But I have a soft spot for thieves. Smooches, Jon.

Next, from Lauren Baratz-Logsted, editor of This Is Chick Lit and author of Vertigo. She says…Hmmm. Avid Fans, Lauren actually addressed this to my Dear Creator, Jackie. Let’s see. “Congratulations, Jackie. The site looks great.” If Jackie were here right now, Lauren, I’m sure she’d thank you whole-heartedly. Of course, I need to point out that this is my blog, not hers. So, like, if you want to tell me how sexy I am, or how tragic Melpomene is, this is the place for it.

MEL:
We’re all ears.

JEZ:
Definitely appreciate the thought, Lauren. Next up, DementedM says, “You had me at the blurb you posted at Absolute Write. Can’t wait for the book to come out!” Aw, Demented, you say the sweetest things. January will be here before you know it. Technically, Jackie posted the blurb at AW, not me. But I’ll let that slip, because there’d be no Hell’s Belles without me. Kiss kiss, Demented.

Camy says she surfed over from the ChickLit Loop. “Great site,” she says, and “it totally fits your books!” First, a huge huzzah to the gremlins that run the Yahoo Groups. Me and gremlins, we’re thisclose. Second, the second book Camy’s referring to is The Road to Hell, which Kensington/Zebra Books will publish in January 2008. No worries, my sweets, I’ll remind you as the, er, year gets closer.

MEL:
[SNORT] Good intentions.

JEZ:
Be nice, Mel. And finally, we have a lovely rant from A Misused Character! Misused is looking for some advice. Well, sweetie, Auntie Jezebel is happy to don her Dear Abby hat. Misused says: “I’m an abused character myself, in a novel by R.P., and I’m not sure if I like the idea of R.P. trying to publish this novel.”

Ooh, sweetie, that’s a bitch, innit? Don’t you hate it when your Creator does stupid [BLEEP] to you, all for the so-called goal of making a quote-better-story-unquote? Let’s see. Misused rants for a bit—apparently, his Creator killed one of his friends off-screen, forced Misused to dwell on it for a ridiculous amount of pages, sets a phantom grandmother character on him, and even has him crucified by his own wife. Ouch.

MEL:
We always hurt the ones we love.

JEZ:
If there’s ever an argument for staying single, folks, that’s it. Misused continues: “What should I do about this? What avenues do I have, as a character, to prevent this story from getting out?” Good question, Misused. Well, there are a number of tools we novel characters have at our disposal. First, dig your heels in and fight the words. Yeah, there’s only so much you can do, and eventually you’ll be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the nether regions of creativity. But if you fight long enough, your Creator may throw his hands up and declare “Writer’s Block.” And that, my sweet, means it’s Miller Time at Character Central.

A second thing you can try is diversion. Concentrate on one thing you really, really, REALLY want your Creator to write about, whether or not it involves you. Sure, go along with the stupid crap your Creator is demanding of you, no matter how demeaning it is. But keep on thinking about that one thing you really want. And I promise, soon your Creator will stop forcing you to do that dreaded tap dance and will start toying around with you shtupping your neighbor’s wife. There may be some tap dancing involved in the shtupping. But as my pal Machiavelli once wrote, the ends justifies the means.

Finally, and this one’s really only if you’re desperate…start singing Britney Spears lyrics. Loudly. You may lose your mind, but at least you won’t lose your dignity on the page. Thanks for writing, Misused—and good luck, sweetie. I’m rooting for you!

MEL:
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder.

JEZ:
Mel’s right. I always root for the Underdog.

Now, this week’s Dirty Thought, brought to you by the former succubus Jezebel. Lingerie. The gift that keeps on giving, the wrapping that’s also the present. Let me tell you, folks, no matter what you look like, no matter what your size, there’s nothing that a little bit of lingerie can’t make even sexier. Because you know what? Sometimes, hinting at lust is more desirable than flaunting it in the buff. Lingerie lets your honey’s imagination run wild, and encourages fingers to do a lot of walking. And exploring. And tickling. And, of course, unwrapping. So do yourself and your honey right. Go to the story and buy yourself something particularly slinky. It doesn’t have to be naughty to be nice.

Well, Avid Fans, there’s no interview this week. See, this is what happens when Jackie hangs out at the Backspace Conference in New York City. Sure, she has a blast, learns a lot, meets tons of people and, all in all, can’t wait to do it again next year. But does she stick to schedule and line up an interview for me? Does she? Huh? Hah? Huh?

Priorities, Dear Creator. Your priorities are [BLEEP]ed up.

Well, I can tell you that Melanie Lynne Hauser’s Birdie Lee, A.K.A. Super Mom, is getting ready to meet me in the studio, hopefully next week. Cleaning tips from Birdie, sex tips from me. Dirty talk, in a squeaky clean package. What’s not to like?

MEL:
Out, out, damn spot.

JEZ:
Mel, you’re making me all tingly with your innuendos.

Now, last thing on the agenda: A little-known tidbit about Jackie. When she was little, she had a huge doll collection. When her dad would travel, he’d bring her a doll from wherever he’d been. And Jackie, precious tyke that she was, would cut off all the dolls’ hair. Something about her mother giving her a rather short haircut when she was about four, and how all the kids called her a boy.

MEL:
Kids. What’s the matter with kids today?

JEZ:
Nothing’s wrong with them, as long as you remember to stuff them with chocolate before you sauté them over a low flame. Crispy outside, gushy inside. Yum!

That’s all for this week’s episode of Cat and Muse! Remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It also fights cavities.

Smooches!