JEZEBEL:
Heya, sweeties! It’s time for this week’s episode of Cat and Muse! I’m Jezebel, former demon and current star of Jackie Kessler’s upcoming Hell’s Belles. With me, as always, is the terrific, talented, and rather terrifying Muse of tragedy, Melpomene! Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
Mel, do you ever get tired of speaking only in clichés or in popular culture references?

MEL:
It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

JEZ:
Ooh, Jackie recently read A Dirty Job by Chris Moore. I peeked over her shoulder. Got a huge kick out of all the spiffy death. Jackie liked it too. She cried like a baby at one point. I swear, my Dear Creator can be such a girly girl. Bawling when a certain character died—sheesh.

MEL:
Death is just a part of life…the last part.

JEZ:
Well, then there’s Hell. Oh, and the other place. But we throw better parties in Hell.

Mel and I got more love letters this week! Let’s see. New Age Al says that I’m a looker. Aw, thanks, sweetie. You should see me naked. And he asks, “Got any pics of that Mel babe? She sounds like my kind of woman, too.” Sure thing, Al. Here’s a lovely statue of Mel, but minus the eyes. Little known fact: that’s not a mask of tragedy she’s holding. It’s the severed head of her last critic.

MEL:
A portrait of the artist as a young man.

JEZ:
Al continues: “Look, I know you being a big shot published character and all, you probably ain’t interested in interviewing us still-in-limbo folks but should you find yourself in need of a man with a great bod, a mind like a steel trap and a big gun, I’m available.” Ooh. Me digee the big guns. Sweetie, let’s do lunch. Have your people call my people, and we’ll set something up.

Heather says, “Jez, you’re every bit as charming as your partner in crime, Jackie (but much more evil). Hot stuff, chickie! I’ll be linking your blog to mine right this moment!” Smooches, Heather! You are officially my Head Hellion.

Lauren Baratz-Logsted says that she didn’t know whether I’m the sexy one or the tragic one. Sweetie, I’m a former succubus. Trust me: I’m the sexy one. Mel’s all about the tragedy. Lauren also says she was thrilled to meet my Dear Creator at the Backspace Conference last month. If my Dear Creator had the gumption to appear here on Cat and Muse, Lauren, I’m sure she would tell you that she loved meeting you and that it was a true pleasure. Alas, we’ll never know, because Jackie Kessler seems to have left the building.

Last love note is from a B. Head. “So, you’re like a stripper, huh? Strippers are hot.” Yes, sweetie. In Hell’s Belles, I take a job as an exotic dancer at a gentlemen’s club called Belles. Mr. Head continues: “And are you, like, into like younger dudes? Cause I’m - uh - experienced. I even did a duet with superbabe - uh – Cher.” B, as long as you’re eighteen or older, I’m very into younger dudes. Given that I’m four thousand years old, I really don’t have much of a choice. And kudos on the duet with Cher! I really groove on “Half-Breed.” You know, back when she had her original nose.

Avid Fans, we’re going to skip Dirty Talk today so that we can dive right into our interview. And now, a woman who went from being a mild-mannered divorcee and shop cashier to a crime-fighter with a vengeance for cleanliness. Currently starring in Confessions of Super Mom by Melanie Lynne Hauser, let’s give a sizzling welcome to…Super Mom!

[APPLAUSE]

JEZ:
It’s a thrill to have you here, Super Mom.

SUPER MOM:
Well, I left a PTA meeting a little early to be here, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

JEZ:
Ooh, you’re my first-ever interview, Super Mom! You’re popping my cherry!

MEL:
Life is a bowl of cherries…

JEZ:
No, Mel, Life is a breakfast cereal. Now, Super Mom. You’re a single mother, raising two teenagers while working a low-paying day job, dealing with your arrogant ex-husband, seriously working a cleaning fetish. Not exactly the stuff of superherodom. How’d you react when you realized you were a bona-fide superhero?

SM:
Honestly? I freaked out! I mean, how would you react if you started leaking every time you walked into a public place?

JEZ:
Yeah, humans can be so damn drippy.

SM:
Er, no. Leaking cleaning fluid.

JEZ:
Ah. No, that’s never happened to me, but I can see where that would be a hassle.

SM:
Plus, I wasn’t so excited by the knowledge that lots of evil villains with reptilian names would be trying to kill me. That puts a damper on things, you know.

JEZ:
I so hear that. Okay, girl talk. Tell me true: do you need to wear a thong beneath your costume, or do superheroes not worry about panty lines?

SM:
I go through pantyhose like crazy. I haven’t found a pair yet that stands up to the job, although plain ol’ L’eggs seems to work best.

JEZ:
Speaking of legs, how the Hell does Wonder Woman get away with being all about the tube top sans bra, a barely there panty, serious bondage bracelets and dominatrix boots, and yet she never needs to shave her legs or pits? Do you superhero chicks have like a magic pill or something that makes you all Nairy?

SM:
You just don’t read about all the maintenance that goes into being a female superhero, but it’s exhausting. Wonder Woman happens to have several man-slaves who are constantly waxing and shaving and plucking.

JEZ:
Oooh. Man slaves!

SM:
Plus she’s had a lot of plastic surgery. But you didn’t hear that from me!

JEZ:
Of course not. We can keep a secret, right, Mel?

MEL:
Mum’s the word.

JEZ:
Next question. Superman: Gay or straight?

SM:
Seriously, I think he’s a little asexual. All that Boy Scout stuff about truth, justice and the American Way—it’s messed with his head, big time.

JEZ:
Poor baby. All heroing and no sex makes Supes a dull boy. But you certainly don’t have a dull boy in your bed, do you? Go on, spill. You and Carl. Who’s on top?

SM:
[GIGGLES] Well, let’s just say that it’s a little tough for a man to be in a relationship with a superhero. Did you see My Super Ex-Girlfriend?

JEZ:
Not yet. My Dear Creator is too cheap to blow money on a movie. We’ll probably wait until video or HBO picks it up.

SM:
Well, I allow Carl to pretend he’s the dominant partner in certain situations.

JEZ:
Oooh! Really?

SM:
‘Nuff said!

JEZ:
Okay then, what’s a superhero’s fantasy romantic encounter? Does it involve flying?

SM:
You know what? It involves being able to do it without worrying about being pulverized by those super villains.

JEZ:
No [BLEEP]?

SM:
Seriously. You can never, ever let your guard down. Although I know a few superheroes [COUGH, COUGH] Green Lantern [COUGH] who kind of get off on all the danger and fear of discovery, you know?

JEZ:
Green Lantern. Mel, write that down for me, would you?

MEL:
The grass is always greener…

JEZ:
So, superheroes like to spice up their sex lives with a bit of danger, eh?

SM:
Not me.

JEZ:
No?

SM:
I’m a card-carrying member of the PTA, for heaven’s sake!

JEZ:
Heh. Okay. Bad guys: do they belong in jail, or in a body bag?

SM:
Um, are you paying attention here? BODY BAG!!!

JEZ:
A girl after my own heart! So, in Confessions of Super Mom, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Melanie, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

SM:
Creator? What Creator? Are you telling me this wasn’t my true memoir????? Hold on a minute…

[FURIOUSLY DIALING LITERARY AGENT’S PHONE NUMBER]

JEZ:
You’re such a kidder! Really now, if you had your way, what would you change about Confessions?

SM:
Not a thing. It’s perfection. Really.

JEZ:
Liar.

SM:
Okay, okay. It would have been nice if I were taller.

JEZ:
Bless me, what’s up with Creators making us short? So tell me, what’s the deal with the cleaning fetish? Why not, I don’t know, shoes? What’s the attraction to getting things all squeaky clean?

SM:
I have two teenagers. Which means I have zero control over them. Being obsessed with cleaning products, keeping everything all sparkly and fresh…Can you say, “transference?”

JEZ:
Gotcha. So, between us girls, how much is Swiffer paying you for product placement?

SM:
Not enough. [SIGHS]

JEZ:
Fingers crossed for you being obscenely successful, sweetie. If you could make your creator Melanie do anything, what would it be?

SM:
Make me taller! And thinner. And maybe a few years younger.

JEZ:
I hear Confessions may be going Hollywood. Who should play you in the movie?

SM:
I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that if the film ever is made, and I didn’t mention the actress who eventually plays me, I’ll be in deep doo-doo. So I respectfully decline to answer on the grounds that my answer may incriminate me.

JEZ:
But movies get superheroes wrong all the time, and not just casting decisions. I’m talking props. I mean, did you see Batman Returns, with Catwoman’s neat-o retractable high heels?

SM:
I don’t remember that.

JEZ:
Trust me. Big flips in the air, lands on flat feet, next shot, she’s in those sweet, spiky heels again. Got to love the leather look. But that’s Hollywood for you.

SM:
Well, Hollywood glamorizes everything, doesn’t? I mean, tell me, how could any of those Friends afford those fabulous New York City apartments?

JEZ:
A few choice deals with a few major Underworld players.

SM:
Hollywood just glosses over the boring parts. You wouldn’t believe the paperwork involved.

JEZ:
Sweetie, you’re talking to a former demon. We invented paperwork. Okay, last question. If you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your super powers for?

SM:
It’s not exactly evil, but if I were at a great sale at Barney’s, for instance, and someone else was interested in the same little black dress I was, I wouldn’t mind being able to fling cleaning fluid into her eyes in order to [COUGH] temporarily [COUGH] blind her so I could get the dress.

JEZ:
You vixen!

SM:
Just a little shopping superhero mojo!

JEZ:
I love it. And I love you! Super Mom, star of Melanie Lynne Hauser’s Confessions of Super Mom, now out in paperback!

[APPLAUSE]

JEZ:
Thanks so much for coming, Super Mom.

Before I leave you for the week, Avid Fans, a quick word about Jackie. If you meet her, she’ll tell you that she’s five feet tall. That’s a load of crap. She found out earlier this year during her annual physical that she’s actually four-eleven and three-quarters. But hey, I can’t fault her for lying about her height. I’m still a demon at heart, and I have a soft spot for liars. Especially when they say that size doesn’t matter.

MEL:
I think I need a bigger box.

JEZ:
Mel, honey, that one’s way, way too easy, so I’m letting it go. That’s all for this week’s episode of Cat and Muse! Remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a perfume for women.

Smooches!