JEZEBEL:
Heya, sweeties! Go fetch a Snickers from the freezer and kick off your shoes—it’s time for this week’s episode of Cat and Muse! Stuck with me here in the limbo of Jackie Kessler’s website is the ever-tragic Melpomene, muse of tragedy! Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
Pithy as always, I see.

MEL:
Short and sweet.

JEZ:
I’ll settle for one out of two. For those not yet Avid Fans, Melpomene is my producer, my sidekick, my wingwoman. And she only speaks in clichés or pop culture references. She’s never met a song she hasn’t loved.

MEL:
What’s love got to do with it?

JEZ:
Coming up, this week’s Dirty Thought, and a fabulous interview with a ghost so tragic that M. Night Shyamalan is rumored to be considering casting her in an upcoming flick. But first, I need to address something.

Jackie Kessler, you may be my Creator, but this is MY blog. Mine. Got it, chickie? You’ve got NO authority to just flounce in unannounced and usurp my space. Who cares if it’s for a good cause? So what if your writer friend EJ is still gunning to sell 1,500 stories in less than twenty days so he can buy back his car and travel to see his doctor? So what if thanks to efforts from Backspace, he’s now one-third of the way toward his goal? This ain’t the Girl Scouts. I’m not here for the public good. You want to help others? Get your own blog. Oh, wait. You have one. So unless you want to join me and Mel here in the studio, stay the Hell away from Cat and Muse.

MEL:
Hell hath no fury…

JEZ:
Damned Creators and their God complexes.

And now, a Dirty Thought about…chocolate. There’s nothing quite like getting dirty with chocolate. Chocolate syrup poured over your body. The feeling of your teeth biting through chocolate-dipped strawberries. Chocolate dildos—which, granted, may be more for design than actual usage. Chocolate body paint. Yuuuuum. If it tastes that good, yes, it is sinful.

MEL:
Life is like a box of chocolates.

JEZ:
Sweetie, the Tom Hanks tribute was a couple episodes ago.

MEL:
D’oh.

JEZ:
And now, Avid Fans, please welcome to the studio a woman whose passions were the foundation for a curse on a small town in El Salvador—direct from Eileen Cruz Coleman’s “Dancing on the Riverbank,” lovely, the ghostly…Carmella!

[APPLAUSE]

CARMELLA:
Muchas gracias. I’m happy to be here.

JEZ:
And we’re happy to have you. From adultery to suicide to cursing an entire town. Sweetie, you do this demon proud. Tell me, are you plagued with any nasty feelings about the curse?

CAR:
I’ll always feel guilty. Dios mio, an entire town suffered because I was busy hugging and kissing a man who wasn’t even my husband. My daughters drowned. How can I ever be free of guilt?

JEZ:
But guilt is murder on the complexion. And what you did, you did for love.

MEL:
Love conquers all.

CAR:
Does it? I don’t know, maybe. It depends on whether or not you’re willing to surrender your demons. And I’m still holding onto them.

JEZ:
Take it from one who knows, that can be a real bitch. We don’t surrender easily.

CAR:
Ask me again a few years from now, and I might have a different answer for you.

JEZ:
Talk about the curse. Was that you, your dead daughters, God, or, channeling The Church Lady here, was it…Satan?

CAR:
Dios mio, no, it wasn’t me. I still get chills thinking about the curse. I’ll be honest and tell you that I’m convinced it was set in motion by my daughters.

JEZ:
Remind me never to piss them off.

CAR:
They’re only five years old. They didn’t understand what they were doing. It was their way of getting back at me for letting them drown.

JEZ:
They tell you that?

CAR:
We don’t talk about the curse anymore. It’s too painful.

JEZ:
Why were you in hiding for five years?

CAR:
I felt ashamed. I didn’t want to be found. I don’t think you can make a ghost do something it doesn’t want to do. We make our presence known when we’re ready. Of course, there are some ghosts and other supernatural beings such as yourself that love getting attention from living human beings.

JEZ:
How well you know me! [KISSY SOUNDS]

CAR:
Me, I’d rather be left alone. And besides, I didn’t want to see my daughters. They scared the hell out of me.

JEZ:
Just wait until they’re teenagers. So really, you weren’t seeking a little afterlife vengeance on the townsfolk who judged you? You know, let them all suffer for five long, death-filled years?

CAR:
I didn’t know the town was suffering and that babies were dying. Had I known that, I would have come back sooner. At least, I hope I would have. I guess we’ll never really know. Shame has a way of hindering you.

MEL:
Tell the truth and shame the devil.

JEZ:
Next question. Chocolate-covered mangoes: sinful, or proof of all things Good?

CAR:
Both. Taste one and you’ll see what I mean. If you really want to experience…how do I say this? Amazing…well, you know what I’m trying to say.

JEZ:
Not really, sweetie.

CAR:
Dios mio, I can be so prudish sometimes. You’d think after so many years of being a ghost, I would have freed myself of inhibitions.

JEZ:
Stick with me, I can help you work on that. [WAGGLES EYEBROWS] It sounds like chocolate-covered mangoes are sinfully sweet.

CAR:
Just taste one—better yet, offer one to a lover.

JEZ:
I’ll definitely keep that in mind. So why did it take so long for the townsfolk to lure you—errrrr, invite you back with chocolate-covered mangoes? What kept you indisposed?

CAR:
My guess is that in their heart of hearts, they didn’t want me to come back. I don’t think they really believed in the curse. In the end, they got desperate. And when you’re desperate, you’re willing to try anything.

JEZ:
Lots of M names in “Dancing on the Riverbank”—Marina, Miranda. Marco, Melissa, Miriam. And except for Marina, they all die. My, my. Why all the Ms? Does your Dear Creator Eileen not like M names?

CAR:
[LAUGHS] I mean no disrespect to my Creator. She knows I love her, but I do think there is something going on in her subconscious with M names. Perhaps these are the names of people who have crossed her. What do I know, though? Maybe she was eating a bag of M&M’s at the time.

JEZ:
Tell me true: Is Eileen fun to work with?

CAR:
My Creator is a sweetheart—but man, she can be tough! So I’m careful not to push her buttons.

JEZ:
Quick: you can spend all of eternity with one man. Who is it? Marcos? Andres? Antonio Banderas?

CAR:
Russell Crowe, in his movie, Gladiator. If you’ve seen the movie, you know why.

JEZ:
[SLURPING SOUNDS] Y-u-m-i-licious!

MEL:
Eat crow.

JEZ:
In a heartbeat, sweetie!

CAR:
Enough said.

JEZ:
In “Dancing on the Riverbank,” were there any parts of the story where you thought your Dear Creator had been possessed?

CAR:
She shocked me when she made me drown. Here I was, preparing to take off like a madwoman after my daughters…and instead, I drown myself.

JEZ:
What did you do about it?

CAR:
I refused to play the part. Don’t tell her I told you, but I actually put a small curse on her.

JEZ:
Oooh! Dish!

CAR:
I gave her writer’s block, something she says she doesn’t believe in. She couldn’t write a damn thing for weeks until I finally felt sorry for her and let her finish “Dancing.” I had to accept the fact that she is my Creator, and I have to go where she tells me to go.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about “Dancing”?

CAR:
Nothing. I’m with my daughters now. I’m happy with the way things worked out.

JEZ:
But…you all died. Except for Andres, who, what, hopped a plane and flew out of the story. What a guy.

CAR:
My love affair with Andres was an illusion. It was never really real, you know. That kind of passion can’t last forever.

JEZ:
Oy, sweetie, you’re killing me here. Passion rules. And true love rules even more.

CAR:
I hope Marco can forgive me. I wish he would make his presence known.

MEL:
Hope springs eternal.

JEZ:
So tell me, what’s the deal with the ball? It lured the twins to their deaths, it prevented Andres from saving you…Was it a demon in disguise? Or maybe the Loknar from Heavy Metal?

MEL:
He dies, she dies, everybody dies.

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES]

CAR:
My theory is that the ball is symbolic. It represents youth, innocence, and danger.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

CAR:
I wish human beings would stop the madness. Dios mio, what are they fighting for? It’s all greed and egos, you know. Excuses to go to war.

JEZ:
Don’t get me started; I’ve never been a fan of pride.

CAR:
I’ve considered going back into hiding. I can’t let my daughters see so much sadness and destruction.

JEZ:
Can you give us a tidbit about Eileen and her recent work?

CAR:
Let’s see. I know she has a story in the current issue of Slow Trains Literary Journal. And she also has a novella on submission with a few literary journals. Keep your fingers crossed for her.

JEZ:
We certainly will! Finally, if you could place another curse, what would it be?

CAR:
It would be a good curse. Is there such a thing?

JEZ:
[SHRUGS] You got me.

CAR:
In any case, I would put a stop-fighting curse on all humanity. I’d also put a good curse on people who still don’t believe that saving wildlife and protecting the environment are worthwhile causes. Life is beautiful, and anything that attempts to destroy it, is not.

JEZ:
I couldn’t agree with you more. Avid Fans, give it up for Carmella, from Eileen Cruz Coleman’s “Dancing on the Riverbank”!

[APPLAUSE]

And now, Avid Fans, another Thing You Never Knew about Jackie. She’ll never, EVER admit this, but one night, after a particularly long day of educational television (let’s hear it for toddlers!), she had an…interesting…dream about herself and Anthony Wiggle.

MEL:
Fruit salad. Yummy yummy.

JEZ:
That’s it for this week’s Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: Lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a fashion statement. Smooches!