JEZEBEL:
Heya, sweeties! Just tell your hoodlum friend outside you ain’t got time to take a ride. It’s time for this week’s episode of Cat and Muse! As always, with me tonight, here in the bowels of Jackie Kessler’s website is the Muse of tragedy, and the producer of Cat and Muse, my good friend Melpomene! Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
One day, I’m going to introduce you as Rocky Balboa.

MEL:
[SINGS] Stuck between a rock and a hard place…

JEZ:
Oh boy. You’re singing. That can’t be good.

MEL:
[SINGS] Goodnight, sweetheart, well, it’s time to go, da DA da, da-DAHHHH…

JEZ:
Alrighty, Bowser. (Settle. I’m guessing you had one too many swigs of NyQuil. Avid Fans, let me tell you, never mix a Muse and over-the-counter remedies. The results ain’t pretty.

MEL:
[SINGS] It ain’t pretty after the show…

JEZ:
And, on that INXS note, let’s dive into Love Notes. First, a note from Stevie, back at the beginning of August. “Wow,” says Stevie, “I am overjoyed with how unbelievably talented you are.” Aw, thank you, sweetie. I’m overjoyed with your overjoyment. Smooches!

Here’s one more, from J. Steinman. Hey, Mel, this one’s for you! And oh, isn’t this perfect for you today! Ahem. “My dead ringer for love, it’s all coming back to me now, our paradise by the dashboard lights! For crying out loud, you know I’d do anything for love (but I won’t do that!) It’s a total eclipse of the heart, an original sin and the future just ain’t what it used to be when I’m left in the dark! Read ’em and weep, I want you, I need you and two out of three ain’t bad! Heaven can wait, babe, I’m bad for good. Life is a lemon and I want my muse back! I’ll love you for the both of us!”

MEL:
[SINGS] And you can tell everybody this is your song.

JEZ:
Wait, there’s more. “If only is the saddest words I’ll ever know and a kiss is a terrible thing to waste! Is nothing sacred when tire tracks and broken hearts is all you’re leaving behind? We’re still the children we once were! What part of my body hurts the most without you? If I’m not allowed to love, then I’m out of the frying pan and into the fire!!!
Hurry back because like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone with the morning light, like a bat out of hell, I’ll be gone by morning light. Good girls go to heaven, but bad muses go everywhere!”

MEL:
[SINGS] Heaven, I’m in heaven…

JEZ:
Last part here: “Angels arise and god has left the building, in the land of the pig I cry to heaven! Carpe noctum babe and give me Ewigkeit! This vampire’s in love!”

MEL:
[SINGS] Call me, call me anytime.

JEZ:
Hooboy. J., whoever you are, you should know that there’s a very inebriated Muse here in the studio who’s now staring at the telephone, waiting for it to ring.

Well, Avid Fans, we’ve got a terrific interview for you today! We have joining us in the Cat and Muse studio the heroine of Michelle Rowen’s Angel With Attitude, a one-time angel who learns all about falling in love…well, at least, in lust…the hard way! Please give a hot, hot, hot welcome to the flaxen, the fallen, the fabulous Valerie Grace!

VALERIE:
Hi, Jez. Thanks for inviting me.

JEZ:
Tell me, what was the worst part about getting used to being a mortal?

VAL:
Well, being that I’ve been working as a maid at a motel, cleaning toilets is the worst thing. Followed closely by absolutely everything else.

JEZ:
[SNORTS] Sweetie, I so hear you.

MEL:
[SINGS] And the work seemed harder, the days seemed longer, than she ever thought they’d be…

JEZ:
Oh boy. Mel’s on a Poison streak…

MEL:
[SINGS] Win big, Mama’s fallen angel…

JEZ:
I apologize profusely for the Muse in the booth. Okay, so. A fallen angel, slumming as a human. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make.

VAL:
Being in Heaven was really easy. I never had to worry about anything. Ever. You might say that that existence was “heavenly.”

JEZ:
[GROANS]

VAL:
On Earth it’s cold, and lonely and generally icky. I honestly don’t know how humans have managed for so long without globally going insane.

JEZ:
Who says they haven’t? Okay, tell me true: in Heaven, do you need to wear a bra with underwire?

VAL:
Nope. Perky breasts. All the time.

JEZ:
What about shaving? Or are you angels naturally hairless on your body?

VAL:
There is no excessive body hair in Heaven. Unless you like excessive body hair. In which case, you can have as much as you like.

MEL:
[SINGS] Give me down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer…

JEZ:
Hooboy. We’re up to showtunes now. Hey, I heard that your Dear Creator, Michelle Rowen, used a soundtrack to help her groove on certain scenes. Jackie did the same damn thing for Hell’s Belles. How much influence did you play on some of Michelle’s picks?

VAL:
I had no influence on her selections. The playlist, Michelle changed monthly in order to find just the “right” songs.

JEZ:
Which song is your favorite?

VAL:
Let’s see… I like “Mr. Vain” by Culture Beat. That describes Nathaniel to a tee, that’s for sure, and also it’s got a good beat that Michelle grooved to in her car during her endless commutes to the day job. “You Make Me Sick” by Pink describes how much I fought my feelings for the damn demon. Also, it’s a song that Michelle knows all the words to, so also… much car grooving.

JEZ:
Any of Michelle’s song picks make you gag?

VAL:
No, all the songs are quite good. And a little Retro 80’s goes a long way toward a heavenly soundtrack.

JEZ:
Fair enough. Onto the good stuff. Nathaniel. Yummmmm. So, you fought him tempting you…why, exactly?

VAL:
Well… Jez… he is very good looking, yes. Of course. But he is a demon. Which is, you know, like the total opposite of an angel. Therefore, I fought him because I didn’t want to go to Hell.

JEZ:
Why ever not?

VAL:
Duh. The Earthly realm is definitely hellish enough for me.

JEZ:
You know, just because Nathaniel’s a demon, that doesn’t mean he’s, you know, bad. And plus, he’s hot. So why fight the urge to get sweaty with him?

VAL:
Hot, yes he is. But ulterior motives up the yazoo? Not so hot.

JEZ:
What does a yazoo have to do with anything? I’m talking sex. Do angels even have sex?

VAL:
No. Not in any conventional sense, anyhow. Fallen angels? A different story altogether.

JEZ:
Uh huh. I’m guessing you don’t even know what an orgasm is.

VAL:
My, that’s a little personal, isn’t it? What kind of an interview is this, anyhow?

JEZ:
Fine, sweetie. No need to get your feathers ruffled. I’ll tone it down. Who’re better kissers, angels or demons?

VAL:
I’ve never kissed an angel or a demon before the events of my story. And my experience is still greatly limited. I would have to say…depends on the demon.

JEZ:
I’d have to agree with you there. So, in Angel With Attitude, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Michelle, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do?

VAL:
Well, in the first draft, I’m not sure if Michelle really knew what the heck she was doing, frankly. She allowed me to have full rein, which was cool. The book was written from my point of view, in first person. But Michelle tilted my personality way too sarcastic. I ended up sounding just like that silly vampire from her first book.

JEZ:
Whoops.

VAL:
That’s probably one of the reasons she changed it to third person in a later draft. Also, hello? I’m an angel. How am I supposed to know what everything on Earth is? I had to remind her to make me somewhat freaked out instead of totally accepting about all the “new things” I was coming in contact with: killer whales, cars, common colds, etc.

JEZ:
I hear chicken soup’s a surefire cure-all for the common cold.

MEL:
[SINGS] Eating chicken soup with rice…

JEZ:
[GLARES AT MEL] Sweetie, you’re killing me, here…

MEL:
[SINGS] Killing me softly…with his song…

JEZ:
You are SO cut off from the cough syrup. So, Val, how’d Michelle get Angel With Attitude back on track?

VAL:
Luckily, her editor helped streamline a lot. Michelle also planned to include my tempter demon Nathaniel’s point of view, but decided against it. Personally, I think she was just being lazy.

JEZ:
Yeah? If you had your way, what would you change about AWA?

VAL:
Michelle puts me through a lot of stuff. And not all of it was good. Not for me, anyhow. And she gave Reggie the rat all the good lines.

MEL:
[SINGS] With love we’ll find a way, just give it time…

JEZ:
Mel, you’re pushing it here. “Reggie the rat” isn’t even close to Ratt the rock group.

MEL:
[SHOUTS] P-push it REAL GOOD!

JEZ:
Pay no attention to the Muse behind the curtain. Chocolate: sinful, or proof of all things Good?

VAL:
Chocolate is one of the only heavenly things on Earth that I’ve found. And McChickens. But that’s a given.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

VAL:
In relation to the previous question, I wish chocolate had no calories. And that there was world peace. Stuff like that.

JEZ:
Heh, what about in the publishing world? Anything you or Michelle wish could be different?

VAL:
I have nothing to do with publishing, though I have started reading romance novels by the dozens. Trixie L’Amour is my fave author. Michelle wishes that writing books paid millions of dollars. Yearly. And that it wasn’t so hard. And that all reviewers would be really, really nice to her. All of the time.

JEZ:
Halos: Fashion statements or secret weapons, like those spiffy throwing plates in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series?

VAL:
Halos don’t really exist. It’s the heavenly light behind angels that make it look like we have halos. I haven’t read this Stephen King person yet. Does he write regency romances like Trixie?

JEZ:
Well, one of his characters is an über-huge romance writer. Wrote the Misery series. Me, I’m not into the bodice rippers; I’m more of a lingerie kind of demon. Ooh, by the way, loved the white thigh-highs on the cover of AWA. Those your legs on the cover?

VAL:
No, those are my author Michelle Rowen’s legs. Or that’s what she wants me to tell everyone.

JEZ:
With legs like that, she could play you in the movie version of Angel With Attitude.

VAL:
Michelle had a blonde Charisma Carpenter—Cordelia from Buffy—in mind for me. But I’m not sure that’s right. Perhaps Cameron Diaz? Or Charlize Theron? [COUGHS] Both actual fallen angels, might I add.

JEZ:
What about [SLURPING SOUNDS] Nathaniel?

VAL:
Nathaniel would probably want to play himself. Michelle had Jude Law in mind for him, but I don’t know. Michelle would make a horrible casting agent.

JEZ:
Would you insist on a body double for the s-e-x scenes?

VAL:
As far as sex scenes, you obviously haven’t read Michelle’s books.

JEZ:
Have too!

VAL:
Fade to black, my dear! No body double required.

JEZ:
Last question: If you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your angel abilities for?

VAL:
Well, since I’m a fallen angel, I don’t have any abilities. But hypothetically speaking… bloodthirsty revenge against my enemies. And creating a chocolate fountain-o-love.

JEZ:
Ooh, blood AND chocolate? I’m so there! Avid Fans, a huge round of applause for fallen angel and current star of Michelle Rowen’s Angel With Attitude, Valerie Grace! Angel With Attitude, available now in fine bookstores everywhere. Thank you, Valerie!

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, Avid Fans, before we go, a little tidbit about Jackie. She finally finished her next book in the Hell series, The Road to Hell. About time. Lazy [BLEEP]. She’s mailing it to her agent today. If you’re so inclined, wish her some luck over on her blog. Don’t bother with the (shudder) good wishes here. Because Jackie, sweetie?

[RASPBERRY]

Back at you! Humph. Flippin’ Creators and their God complexes…

MEL:
[SNORES]

JEZ:
Hey, look at that. The NyQuil finally kicked in. Fare thee well, sweeties. Until next week. And remember: lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a specialty soap.
Smooches!