JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time once again for Cat and Muse. Here with me in the limbo of Jackie Kessler’s website, as always, is the fabulously stylish—if you’re into clichés and togas—Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene! Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
You’re looking quite scarlet today. You should see her, Avid Fans—red toga, red headdress, red strappy sandals that would go for an easy two hundred on Madison Avenue. What’s with all the crimson?

MEL:
Dressed to kill.

JEZ:
Ah—you dolled up for our Cat and Muse interview guest, didn’t you?

MEL:
Blood is thicker than water.

JEZ:
And it spurts so pretty when you nick an artery just so. Our guest will join us in a moment, but first, I want to thank my Dear Creator for plugging my new blog, Magical Minxes, which I run with fellow succubus Georgina. Lucky for G, she was created by Richelle Mead, and she stars in Succubus Blues, which hits the shelves in March 2007. Hell’s Belles, as you know, launches on January 2, 2007. Both Jackie and Richelle are getting their books published by Kensington. So G and me, we’re the Kensington Succubus Divas. Come on over, visit Magical Minxes. You don’t have to be a succubus, but it wouldn’t hurt.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Our guest today is none other than Queen Elizabeth the First—no, not the dead one, the undead one, the star of MaryJanice Davidson’s Undead series. Avid Fans, give it up for…Betsy Taylor!

[APPLAUSE]

Betsy, it’s a thrill to have you here.

MEL:
We’re not worthy.

[BETSY WAVES]

JEZ:
A former secretary scores big when she dies and becomes the Vampire Queen. My, my. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make.

BETSY:
Wha…WHO is this again? I’m sorry. I’m planning a wedding and I think I might have gotten you mixed up with the meeting with my florist. But I’ll, uh, answer any unbelievably personal questions you might have about my life. Sure. That’d be terrific.

JEZ:
What was the worst part about getting used to being undead?

BETSY:
Honey, there are too many to count, and I mean that sincerely.

JEZ:
What about the best part?

BETSY:
Let’s put it this way: Botox will never have to enter my forehead via hypodermic needle. Or any other way.

JEZ:
Tell me true: Now that you’re undead, do you need to wear a bra?

BETSY:
I didn’t need to wear one before. I’ve always hated them.

JEZ:
Me too. It’s such a [BLEEP]. What about shaving? Or were you lucky enough to get killed after you recently waxed?

BETSY:
Well, I’m a natural blonde, so everything’s fair and sort of light…even when I was alive I only had to shave my legs about once a month.

JEZ:
Lucky devil…

BETSY:
And as a matter of fact, I had just, uh, taken care of everything—including highlights!— you know, maintenance-wise, right before I died, because my birthday was coming up and I figured I’d be going out that night anyway.

JEZ:
You got a Hell of a present. So you’re the Vampire Queen. Does this make your mom the Queen Mother of Vampires?

BETSY:
Uh, NO. Leave my mother out of this. Unless…did she put you up to this? Because you seem weirdly informed.

MEL:
The walls have eyes…

JEZ:
Um. One sec, Betsy.

[OFF CAMERA]

Mel, please tell me Betsy knows she’s the creation of MaryJanice Davidson…

MEL:
What a tangled web we weave.

JEZ:
You’ve been a great help. Thanks, Mel.

[ON CAMERA]
Er, sorry about that. So…Eric Sinclair. Yummmmm. Why were you all sorts of pissed at him for the first like six months of your undead, um, life?

BETSY:
Why WASN’T I? If hating Eric Sinclair was wrong, I didn’t ever want to be right. Basically, everything he said and did just pissed me right off.

JEZ:
Sounds like most men I know. What’s the best part about vampire sex?

BETSY:
Yeah, um, I’m going to take a pass on that one. Are you from the Star Tribune?

JEZ:
Um, sorry, sweetie. Feel free to skip this one too. You can read Sinclair’s mind when he’s boning you silly. Does this lead to any sort of performance pressure on your end?

BETSY:
Wha…is this Jessica? This is Jessica, isn’t it? You’re torturing me because I drank all the cream in the house again, aren’t you?

JEZ:
Er, let’s say you accidentally catch a thought Sinclair has, and it’s unflattering. Do you go all Thought Police on him and call him on it?

BETSY:
Well, Ms. Nosy Pants, as a matter of fact, I have yet to catch an unflattering thought from Sinclair while we’re shaking the bed. I’m that damn good.

JEZ:
I bet you are. What’s better: blood or chocolate? In your case, hot chocolate?

BETSY:
Chocolate. Duh.

MEL:
Life is like a box of chocolates.

JEZ:
Next up: Literature. Specifically, the Book of the Dead. As if it weren’t intimidating enough, it’s bound in human skin and written in blood. Sweet. What’s the worst part about this spiffy vampire tell-all? You know, besides the whole losing your mind thing.

BETSY:
The fact that all the vampires take it so SERIOUSLY. It’s still just a book. Might as well be Grimm’s Fairy Tales for all I care.

JEZ:
Fess up. When you went all Evil Willow in Undead and Unappreciated, didn’t you have fun?

BETSY:
No! There was nothing fun about hurting my friends. I couldn’t look Jess in the eye for a month afterward.

JEZ:
Your Dear Creator, MaryJanice, gives the term “fiending” a whole new meaning.

BETSY:
What the hell is a ‘Dear Creator MaryJanice’? What a stupid name, poor thing.

JEZ:
Er. What’s the deal with the Fiends? Are they really friends minus one letter? Or are they a whole different sort of vampire? And was it their attack on you when you were human that caused this whole undead thing?

BETSY:
I think, yeah, when they attacked me outside of the restaurant it definitely had ramifications (they ran off because I’d been a little heavy on the garlic noodles that night). And they’re not “friends minus one letter,” but I don’t think they’re as bad as some of the vampires say they are. I think I can help them but you know what? Even if I can’t, at least I’m gonna TRY. Sure as [BLEEP], nobody else has bothered.

JEZ:
Let’s talk demonic sisters for a moment. You and Laura seem to get along well. If she does take the world, as the big bad Book of the Dead says she will, is that going to get in the way of family affairs?

BETSY:
It’ll ruin Christmas, that’s for sure.

JEZ:
You’re in a Nick Berry and Eric Sinclair sandwich. Who’s on top? Just as important: what do you use for a condiment?

BETSY:
Sigh. Jessica, I’m going to kill you for getting me into this. And you know darned well I would never do a threesome (ewwww!). And to be perfectly honest, Sinclair would literally kill someone before letting them bone me. He’s old-fashioned that way.

JEZ:
Who’re better kissers, vampires or cops?

BETSY:
Let’s not label people, people! The guy I’m engaged to, who HAPPENS to be a vampire, is the best kisser in the world. But I don’t think it’s because he’s got fangs.

JEZ:
Okay, in a group of three girls, as Margaret Cho says, there’s the smart one, there’s the cute one, and then, there’s the ’ho. Between you, Jessica and Mark, who’s who?

BETSY:
I’d say Mark was the ’ho, except he has gotten any for months. Jessica’s the smart one AND the cute one. I’m the well-shod one.

JEZ:
What’s more frightening: A roomful of starving vampires all looking at you like you’re a Bloody Mary, or the same vampires wearing scuffed Jimmy Choo’s?

BETSY:
The latter. No contest. I mean, jeez.

JEZ:
Who would make a better vampire: Jessica or Mark?

BETSY:
Jessica. Definitely.

JEZ:
Any plans in that department?

BETSY:
Um, no. Not at all. Because the thing is—never mind. Next question.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about any of the Undead books?

BETSY:
Oh, hmm, let’s see…oh! I know! The fact that I’m the FRIGGIN’ QUEEN OF THE VAMPIRES.

JEZ:
Is that really you on the Undead covers? If so, sweetie, the liquid-diet thing is making you way, way, way way way too thin.

BETSY:
It’s true, I probably could switch to whole milk. You know how some artists can show you what you’d look like if you were a cartoon? That’s kind of what that guy did.

JEZ:
If Undead went the way of Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

BETSY:
Well, I’ve always thought Jenna Elfman and I had a lot of the same physical characteristics.

JEZ:
What about (yum) Sinclair? And would you insist on a body double for the s-e-x scenes?

BETSY:
As for Sinclair, he’s my number one guy, but if Clive Owen ever knocked on my door…well…what body double? Hi there, Clive.

JEZ:
Thank you so much for your time, Betsy! Avid Fans, show the Queen of the Vampires your love. Betsy Taylor, star of MaryJanice Davidson’s Undead series —on sale at fine book stores everywhere!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, be good. Ah, screw that. Be Evil, but don’t get caught. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It also helps reduce cholesterol.

Smooches!