JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time once again for Cat and Muse. Here with me in the limbo of Jackie Kessler’s website, as always, stuck speaking in clichés and pop culture references is the Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene! Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Hello. Is it me you’re looking for?

JEZ:
Mel…you dyed your hair blonde. What’s with the new look?

MEL:
[BLISSFUL SIGH] Endless love.

JEZ:
Um. Huh?

MEL:
[SINGS] Two hearts, two hearts that beat as one…

JEZ:
Really digging the self-harmonization there, Mel. Oh! Oh, now I get it! The Lionel Richie song, you going blonde…You’re psyched that Paris and Nicole are friends again, aren’t you?

MEL:
[SINGS] Truly…

JEZ:
Well, I’m thrilled that you’re happy, Mel. Hell knows, I was worried that those two were doomed to be nothing more than celebrity actress author singers, with no true friends in sight.

MEL:
Say you, say me.

JEZ:
That’s the way it should be. And now it’s time for our next guest. Hey Mel, give us some words of wisdom about broadcast news.

MEL:
Take it with a grain of salt.

JEZ:
How about something positive?

MEL:
[PAUSE] Seeing is believing?

JEZ:
Perfect! Tonight’s guest will be the first one to tell you that if you see it on TV, it must be true. Avid fans, give it up for Anne Zaché’s heroine of her upcoming novel, Killer Television: Ingrid Jagger!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Ingrid!

INGRID:
Thank you for having me. But I must say, I’m much more comfortable when the mike is in my hand.

JEZ:
From television reporter to television celebrity, all because of finding a dead body at the anchor desk. My, my. Tell me, what was the worst part about your newfound ratings Heaven?

INGRID:
The great horror that my bosses might just be right about the viewing public instead of me being right. I hate it when that happens.

JEZ:
The spot where the body was found, that was called the “Desk of Death.” Cute. What’s next? The “Station of Slaughter”?

INGIRD:
You, my dear Jezebel, could get a job as a headline writer. Are pole dancers unionized? ’Cuz headline writers are.

JEZ:
Unions can be positively evil. Take it from a former demon.

INGRID:
Think about it. Vats of ink. Pretty good playground.

JEZ:
Let’s get back to the “Desk of Death.” You come up with the catchphrase?

INGRID:
The “Desk of Death” came from the newspaper. Think of newspapers and TV stations as in-laws—we didn’t choose it, but we’re stuck with each other. For-freaking-ever.

JEZ:
Speaking of forever, how long does it take for the makeup artist to get you camera ready?

INGRID:
I live for the nights when I don’t have to do my own makeup. Unfortunately, they are rare. The fabulous makeup artist who pals around with me in Killer Television is modeled on some very specific makeup artists Dear Creator knows in real life.

JEZ:
Do you look very different without the pounds of pancake on your face?

INGRID:
I do look different—makeup artists have tricks up their sleeve specifically for TV because TV cameras see things their own way. So TV Me, for instance, has different lips than hanging-around-the-house Me has. My makeup artist pal is a princess. Although, honest to God, she scares the bejeezez out of me.

JEZ:
You describe yourself has having “horns and a tail,” among other devilish attributes. Tell me true: Do you really prefer eating children poached?

INGRID:
With a little béarnaise sauce.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] A woman after my own heart! Shame you’re joking…

INGRID:
[SMILES MYSTERIOUSLY]

JEZ:
You quip in KT that “when wicked Arizonans go to Hell, they have to dash back to Earth to grab a sweater.” Okay, fess up: Who told?

INGRID:
I work in television. Prince of Darkness? We have him on speed dial.

JEZ:
Why do people despise news crews? Other than invading their privacy and trampling the gardens, I mean. What’s so inherently Evil about you people?

INGRID:
[WHINING] We’re misunderstooooooooooood.

JEZ:
Of course you are, sweetie. Tell me what’s worse: discovering all sorts of interesting tidbits about your co-workers that guarantee them a Hot Seat when they die, or being forced to turn all that dirty laundry into news fodder, all for the sake of ratings?

INGRID:
Oh, definitely doing the dirty work. Slime, goo, dripping from my soggy scruples. Very icky.

JEZ:
Ah, you get used to it.

INGRID:
So, Jez, how do you handle distasteful work assignments?

JEZ:
You’re talking to a one-time succubus who ran away from Hell.

INGRID:
Everything I know I learned inside a TV station. Your experience is Hell and strip clubs, right? Mentor me. I could use an upgrade.

JEZ:
Belles has auditions every Thursday afternoon. We’ll chat after the interview.

MEL:
[SINGS] If I strip for you, will you strip for me?

JEZ:
Gah, not Adam Ant. Can you go back to Lionel Richie?

INGRID:
Oh, my. The only thing I expose, with all due respect to my lovely hostesses, is the truth. Oh, and, um, badly battered principles.

JEZ:
Say, the Adam Ant thing reminds me: Keith Partridge.

INGRID:
[EYES LIGHT UP]

JEZ:
Really? Keith Partridge? Um, why?

INGRID:
He’s always there for me! He’s never intimidated by me! Keith comforts me whenever I want! Does it get any better than that? So soothing, my darling Keith…

JEZ:
Mel, I think Ingrid’s gone off the deep end…

INGRID:
Admit it, Jez, you love him, too.

JEZ:
I love all men equally. And often.

INGRID:
I must inform you, he thinks he loves me. But it’s a love he’s not sure of. It’s a love there is no cure for.

JEZ:
Before you break into song, let me say that’s why I’m all about the lust. Changing topics: You’re with your cameraman shooting footage in a parking lot, when you witness a kidnapping. Do you try to stop the crime or do you capture it all on film and leave the crime to the police?

INGRID:
You haven’t met Dirk, the cameraman I work with. No one would dare carry out a kidnapping in front of him. Trust me. Muscles. Height. Presence.

JEZ:
Yum!

INGRID:
I was in a pet supply store once when I felt, more than heard, a very low rumble. I turned around to see a massive German Shepherd eyeing me. Dirk is like that. You just know that messing with him would be your last mistake.

JEZ:
Dirk, you said? Got a last name? Maybe a phone number?

INGRID:
Go ahead, Jez, try. I know what your profession is. I’m betting on Dirk. He never does anything he doesn’t want to.

JEZ:
And that, sweetie, is why I’d make sure he wants to. It’s all about being in sync. Speaking of which, in Killer Television, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Anne, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Dear Creator in sync the entire time?

INGRID:
Well, I don’t like danger. I DON’T. So why does she keep throwing it at me? Mountain lions?! I mean, real people face them in Phoenix, but why do I have to?

JEZ:
So what are you supposed to do when you find yourself virtually spread eagle in front of a mountain lion?

INGRID:
Turn the page. And hope for the best!

JEZ:
Ever have sex in front of the camera?

INGRID:
Jezebel, you are treading on dangerous ground here. The answer is this very thing gets some people in trouble in Killer Television. But not the people you’d think. Not the people I thought.

JEZ:
Whoops, don’t want to give away too much of the plot. Moving on…I’ve heard of trashy novels. But trashy openings to novels? That’s damn clever. What gave your Dear Creator the inspiration to kick off the festivities with garbage? Was it a statement about the state of the news industry?

INGRID:
You can read it that way. Sounds literary and metaphorical and hip. Yeah, go with that.

JEZ:
And if I were to ask for the truth?

INGRID:
It actually happened to Dear Creator. A story she was working on in real life and couldn’t forget. I mean, a house stuffed with trash that you literally have to climb over—now that sets you to thinking. Dear Creator really wondered who that departed soul had been beyond the one day’s worth of intensive TVing that brought them together.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

INGRID:
I wish people understood the nature of broadcasting better. It belongs to them. If only they knew.

JEZ:
What’s more frightening: finding out your ratings have plummeted, or discovering firsthand that your dentist thinks the Marquis De Sade was a wimp?

INGRID:
Dentists? Bah. There’s nothing like the spine shiver of an anemic Arbitron.

JEZ:
Murphy Brown: Good or Evil?

INGRID:
Way too rich. Little known TV secret: most of us are working stiffs just like you.

JEZ:
Just like me, eh? Prove it: If you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your infernal powers for?

INGRID:
Jez, dear, have you not been paying attention? Evil for…a day? Let me show you my paystub. See that logo? It’s a TV station. Evil for a day, sheesh….

JEZ:
Stick around after the show, sweetie. You and me, we’ve GOT to compare notes and go clubbing.

Avid Fans, give it up for Ingrid Jagger, protagonist of Anne Zaché’s upcoming novel, Killer Television! The manuscript is currently on submission, so think positive thoughts for Ingrid and her Dear Creator! And for all you editors out there, evil or not, who are Avid Fans of Cat and Muse, if you’re interested in Killer Television, go ahead and drop my Dear Creator a line via the spiffy contact page, and she’ll put you in touch with Anne’s agent. (No, it’s not a good deed. I don’t do good deeds. But KT is a good read, and I want to see it published. See that? This is purely selfish. I’m a demon, for [BLEEP] sake…)
[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me and my fellow Kensington Succubus Diva, Georgina, at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It also helps you take over the world—narf!

Smooches!