JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only character-driven talk-radio show on the Internet (as far as I know). I’m the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the miasma of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the producer of Cat and Muse and lifelong companion—and believe me, when you’re a demon, “lifelong” is a Hell of a long time—the cliché-speaking Muse of Tragedy. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Melpomene! Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
So, it’s the day after midterm elections in the United States. A huge huzzah to Nancy Pelosi, who in January 2007 will be the first-ever female Speaker of the House.

MEL:
Girl power.

JEZ:
You know it, sweetie. That being said, I’m not at all surprised to see that even with Nancy moving in, these other two ladies have made it to the spotlight.
First, the lovely Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, also known as K-[BLEEP].

MEL:
[SINGS] Oops, you think I’m in love.
JEZ:
And let’s not forget the inimitable Faith Hill, who, when losing the Country Music Award’s coveted Best Female Vocalist award to Carrie Underdog—er, Underwood, mouthed “WHAT???” before storming off.

MEL:
[SINGS] Hello, oh no, goodbye.

JEZ:
Heh. Next up on Cat and Muse is one of my favorite creatures. I adore goblins. They’ve been in legends almost as long as demons have, and they make terrific bad guys who fight Spider-Man. They’ve been in tons of movies and, of course, poems.

MEL:
“Morning and evening, maids heard the goblins cry: “Come buy our orchard fruits, come buy, come buy.”

JEZ:
Bless me, I get positively giddy whenever I hear Mel’s version of “Goblin Market.” She puts just the right purr into the appropriate words.

MEL:
“She sucked and sucked and sucked the more, fruits which that unknown orchard bore; she sucked until her lips were sore, then flung the emptied rinds away.”

JEZ:
Ooh, shivers! Avid Fans, please give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Jim C. Hines’ debut novel, Gobin Quest—Jig!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, sweetie!

JIG:
Are you a real demon?

JEZ:
In a manner of speaking.

JIG:
Please don’t eat me.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] Sweetie, first of all, I try to limit all my eating to take place in bed. And second, you’re here for an interview, not dinner. No worries.

JIG:
I’m a runt. No meat. Let me go, and I’ll bring you a much better goblin to eat. Maybe Trok. He’s big and dumb, and he never makes it to the privy in time after drinking klak beer, so I always have to clean up his—

JEZ:
Jig, honey, as much as I go for the big and dumb types, I promise that I’m not going to eat Trok. Or you.

JIG:
Actually, if you wanted to eat Trok, that would be okay.

JEZ:
Tell you what: let’s get right into the questions. In Goblin Quest, you get stuck leading a band of adventurers into dangerous mountain passages. What’s the worst part about being a goblin Boy Scout?

JIG:
Well, some nights I have nightmares about the lizard-fish.

JEZ:
Lizard-fish?

JIG:
Other nights it’s the Necromancer. And the dragon, of course.

JEZ:
Of course.

JIG:
And the adventurers too. And last night, I woke up from a nightmare where all I had to eat was human bread. Have you ever eaten bread? With that hard, nasty crust, and that dirty dry foam inside the shell?

JEZ:
Sounds even worse than milk.

JIG:
The adventurers spread yellow grease on it to help it slide down their throats, but I didn’t get any. Awful, nasty stuff.

JEZ:
Aw, poor guy. Is there anything decent about your mountain adventure? Or does it all pretty much suck to be you?

JIG:
[HOISTS ONE FOOT] I got these boots! Blue with white fur fringe and orange flames inked onto the side. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?

JEZ:
Ooh. Is that going to be part of the Jimmy Choo’s winter lineup?

MEL:
These boots are made for walking.

JEZ:
No doubt. Tell me, Jig, what smells better: rotting fish, or goblin cooking?

JIG:
That depends on how the goblin is prepared. Golaka did a smoked jerky out of the last chief, with blue fungus flakes and klak sauce.

JEZ:
I do so lovee the guests with a sense of humor…

MEL:
It’s a dog-eat-dog world.

JEZ:
So to speak.

JIG:
Some of the other goblins added fire-spider eggs, but I don’t eat those anymore, and—wait, is that not what you meant?

JEZ:
Er. Speaking of fire-spiders, in Goblin Quest you’re best friends with one, a guy called Smudge. It’s nice to see that not all spiders are doomed to be evil creatures that eat people. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) How did you and Smudge become friends?

JIG:
I was on muck duty, when a goblin named Ropak threw a fire-spider at my head. If a scared fire-spider hit my muck spoon, it would have been bad, so I caught him. I still have the burn scars on my hand.

JEZ:
Ouch.

JIG:
Later, Ropak and I had to go fight some Cloudlings and their magic birds. Actually, Jim wrote all about it in a story called “Goblin Hero.”

JEZ:
You mean your Dear Creator, Jim Hines?

JIG:
He says it’s going to be published in something called Bash Down the Door and Slice Open the Badguy. I don’t know why he wrote about it. Authors are weird.

JEZ:
They are. And so demanding…

JIG:
He’s pretty good at telling me what he wants, though.

JEZ:
Who, your Creator?

JIG:
No, Smudge. When he’s scared, he gets hot and hides. When he’s hungry, he bites me. When he’s mad, or when he’s really scared, he sets me on fire. He’s very easy to understand.

JEZ:
Sounds like an ideal friendship. Moving on: describe three uses for muck.

JIG:
Well, it burns really well without a lot of smoke, which is why we use it to light the lair. And there’s a byproduct called turgog powder that’s good for slipping into other goblins’ food. It makes the worst rash. Lately I’ve been using it to train Smudge. He eats muck like it’s pudding. I’m trying to teach him not to set me on fire, but it’s not working very well yet.

JEZ:
Stick with it, sweetie. Tell me, which is more frightening: getting caught trespassing by lizard-fish, or getting caught stealing food from Golaka?

JIG:
You’ve never met Golaka, have you?

JEZ:
Ah. Right, then. So in Goblin Quest, there’s a powerful item called the Rod of Creation. Me, I’m used to rods of a different nature. Care to explain what this uber magic item is?

JIG:
Darnak had a great song about the Rod. I sang it to some of the goblins back at the lair, and they loved it.

JEZ:
Ooh! Would you do us the honors?

JIG:
[SINGS]

There was a mage named Ellnorein, who lived in times long past.
A merrier man was rarely seen, for he made magic last.
One day he met a lonely queen, a lass as pure as gold.
His eye for beauty was quite keen, so he said in this bold.
“A wizard am I, whom many dread, with power like a God.
So come with me to yonder bed and see my mighty rod.”

JEZ:
[CLAPS] Awesome!

JIG:
I don’t think that’s right, though, because the Rod of Creation just transforms things into other things. Unless Ellnorein was going to transform the queen, maybe into a good blanket?

JEZ:
Heh. Or something.

MEL:
Size doesn’t matter.

JEZ:
You lie, Muse.

MEL:
Good things come in small packages.

JEZ:
Well, I agree with you on that point. Jig here is a so-called runt, but I think he’s pretty damn terrific. Okay, sweetie, here’s a scenario for you. You’re leading your band of intrepid adventurers down unexplored caverns, and you walk into a dragon’s den. Do you stand and fight, shriek like a girly girl and hide, or use a human as a living shield and pray the others will kill the beast?

JIG:
You shouldn’t shriek when you hide. But if someone else shrieks, that’s good, because they’ll distract the dragon and you can run away.

JEZ:
[GRINS] Duly noted. In Goblin Quest, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jim, dude, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

JIG:
Mostly he made me do stuff, and I plotted what I would do to him if I ever got the chance. I don’t like Jim very much.

JEZ:
I so hear that. Damned Creators. If you had your way, what would you change about Goblin Quest?

JIG:
Oh, that’s easy. It would be some other goblin getting sucked into that stupid adventure. And while he struggled to survive, I’d stay safe in the lair and steal his stuff.

JEZ:
What about in the publishing world? Anything you or Jim wish could be different?

JIG:
I’m told the book is selling pretty well. Everybody, please STOP BUYING IT! I don’t care how much fun it is to read. It wasn’t fun for me! And if the book does well, he’ll write more, and I’ll keep getting dragged into these stupid adventures.

JEZ:
Oh, poor sweetie.

JIG:
He’s already put me through a second adventure in a novel called Goblin Hero, which is supposed to come out in May. That one was even worse! But it’s not too late! No matter what you do, DON’T BUY THIS BOOK!

JEZ:
If Goblin Quest went the way of Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

JIG:
Jim said something called Dreamworks was talking about doing that.

JEZ:
Really?

JIG:
What a horrible idea.

JEZ:
Really?

JIG:
Bad enough I have nightmares every night. I don’t want to see everything again when I’m awake. So I prayed to Tymalous Shadowstar, and he made sure Dreamworks passed. If I had to be in a movie though, I’d want to be played by Yoda.

JEZ:
You mean the character from Star Wars?

JIG:
He had the best sword ever, and he’s got great goblin ears, even if they are green.

JEZ:
I’m more of a Star Trek gal. Probably because Jim Kirk banged every female creature he encountered. Final question: if you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your powers for?

JIG:
Well, most people say goblins are evil, but we don’t get much power. But if I did have power like Straum the dragon or Ryslind the wizard, I think I’d use it to make a nice hat to go with my boots. Something that would protect my hair from Smudge. Maybe with a shiny dragon scale on the front.

JEZ:
I love the way you think, you fashion-conscious creature! Avid Fans, give it up for Jig, the star of Jim C. Hines’ Goblin Quest, on sale now!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me and my fellow Kensington Succubus Diva, Georgina, at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It also comes in five fantastic fruit flavors.

Smooches!