JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse. I’m the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the dark depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the terrific, talented, and rather terrifying Muse of tragedy, the producer of Cat and Muse…Melpomene! Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
Someone’s rather psyched that Rocky Balboa is in the theaters, innit she?

MEL:
Women weaken legs!

JEZ:
Sweetie, that’s from the first Rocky. Shouldn’t you be quoting from the latest movie?

MEL:
You gotta be a moron to wanna be a fighter.
JEZ:
Huh. Sounds like someone’s giving the latest Sylvester Stallone flick a big thumbs down.

MEL:
Beethoven was deaf. Helen Keller was blind. I think Rocky’s got a good chance.
JEZ:
Sounds like I should wait for it to come to video. Anyway, this is a very special episode of the show, because it’s the final interview in 2006! So we’re doing something very special. We’re going to talk to a demon hunter.

[OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH]

I know! Danger! Right here in the studio! Shivers, right? But it’s not all bad. Hell, the book the demon hunter starred in was damn good. Mel, what’s that saying about bliss?

MEL:
Ignorance is bliss.

JEZ:
That’s the one. And it couldn’t be further from the mark in our next guest’s case. She’s a gorgeous hard body hothead with a penchant for kicking demon ass. But I won’t hold that last one against her. Avid Fans, give a sizzling welcome to the star of Jaci Burton’s Surviving Demon Island…Gina Bliss!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Gina!

GINA:
Howdy everyone! This is sure a new experience for me, being interviewed by a demon. Or…former demon. Or whatever. But I’m game for anything.

JEZ:
Before anything else, sweetie, some ground rules. One, you will not attempt to kill the host. That’s just poor form. Two, I will not attempt to kill you. I’m a former demon, and I’ve got nothing against a gal who takes down idiot Evil creatures (and only the idiot Evil creatures). Three…ah, [BLEEP] it. Two’s enough. Agreed?

GINA:
The word “former” saved you. We’re cool.

JEZ:
Then if you don’t mind putting away the spiffy laser gun…? Thanks, sweetie, you’re too kind.

MEL:
One kind word can warm three winter months.

JEZ:
And one random act of murder can put a damper on my entire lifetime. So, Gina Bliss, eh? Is the surname a goal, or is it advertising?

GINA:
Stage name and nothing more. My agent thought it up since my actual surname is long and Italian and just didn’t flow right, in her opinion. Gotta be sharp and short, so people remember. Hence “Bliss” was born.

JEZ:
From movie star to demon hunter. My, my. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make. What was it like, realizing that in the middle of a fight going poorly, the only “Cut!” you were going to get would be the one that takes off your head?

GINA:
Well, I’ve done some live theater so I had a little experience at flying by the seat of my pants. Not that it was exactly the same thing. One does what one must do, though.

JEZ:
Sounds like it wasn’t all fun and games.

GINA:
Frankly, it scared the [BLEEP] out of me, but I tried not to show outward fear. I had to suck it up and deal.

JEZ:
Before going to Demon Island, you were known for doing your own stunts in your movies. Haven’t you heard of body doubles? What’s the big turn-on with doing your own stunts?

GINA:
Beats the hell out of spinning class or Pilates.

JEZ:
If you want to get all sweaty, I can think of other activities that burn just as many calories, keep you limber as a minx, and let you scream in pleasure. Speaking of which, when you were a movie star, did you do your own love scenes? Or do you insist on cocking guns only?

GINA:
I did it all myself. Why give all the juicy stuff to a stand in? If I had to sweat the stunts myself, I sure as hell wasn’t giving the reward scenes to some bimbo stand in.

JEZ:
I hear you on that, sweetie. Give me five words that describe guns.

GINA:
Stiff. Explosive. Powerful. Fun. Asskicking.

JEZ:
Um. That last one’s more than one word.

GINA:
It is too one word.

MEL:
The customer is always right.

JEZ:
And so’s the guest, especially when she carries a big ol’ Uzi under her trench coat. What about sex? Five words that describe it…or your favorite positions.

GINA:
[GRINS] Stiff. Explosive. Powerful. Fun. Asskicking.

JEZ:
Heh. I love me a guest with a sense of humor. So…Derek. Yum! How’d you manage to get the interest of the hottest guy on Demon Island? Our listeners want to know.

GINA:
I’m not really sure how that happened. I mean there were some gorgeous women on that island. But I looked at him, he looked at me, and pow! There it was.

MEL:
[DREAMY SIGH] Love at first sight.

GINA:
I never really believed in chemistry or instant attraction. Kind of a [BLEEP] thing, if you ask me. But I can’t deny it exists now. We just felt it immediately, in an antagonistic, itching powder, this-person-annoys-me-and-I-want-to-kill-them kind of way. Or at least, that’s how it started out for us. [WINKS]

JEZ:
Ah, good ol’ lust. What tips do you have for gals who want a certain fellow’s attention? What should she do? And don’t tell me that she has to kill a demon or two.

GINA:
Be who you are and don’t put on an act. I am who I am and didn’t try to hide that.

JEZ:
Huh. At this point, I should probably mention that I stole a human witch’s appearance and pretended to be her for a while. Never mind. Anyway, this whole “be yourself” thing – weren’t you concerned about pissing Derek off?

GINA:
I believe I annoyed Derek just a wee bit at the beginning. Tough [BLEEP]. He fell in love with me anyway.

JEZ:
Sounds like you put the whammy on him but good. Kudos, sweetie. Tell us more about him.

GINA:
He’s an arrogant, opinionated, pain in the ass. But despite all his flaws, there’s just something about that man…

JEZ:
I can believe that—every time I read a sex scene in Surviving Demon Island, my fingertips caught fire from holding the book. Here’s the question everyone wants to know: Did your Dear Creator exaggerate the nookie…or did she skimp on the details?

GINA:
No exaggeration at all. It was like a sweet trip through the fires of Hell, without all the icky pain and damnation. You can relate, can’t you, honey?

JEZ:
Sweetie, you know I can. Although when done right, there’s nothing icky about pain. Tell me true: Is Derek the hottest guy you’ve slept with? As a bona-fide movie star, you must have had your pick of the Hollywood A List to get all sorts of up close and personal with. How does Derek compare?

GINA:
No comparison. I couldn’t be real before, couldn’t be me. With Derek, I put it all out there, held nothing back. He was the only one who saw who I really was, flaws and all, and loved me anyway. That’s the kind of guy you keep forever.

JEZ:
All right, let’s cut to the chase about demons. They’re lying, Evil bastards, the lot of them. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have their spiffy qualities. What about the demons you’ve encountered? Can they hide among the humans? Any telltale signs that give them away? You know, like maybe spooky music that suddenly plays just before they appear?

GINA:
Demons. [SPITS] Evil, pure evil.

JEZ:
Methinks someone’s biased…

GINA:
I can spot a demon a hundred yards away. The way they look, the way they act, the way they feel. They’re cold, you can see the soullessness in their eyes and just thinking about them makes me shudder. Where’s my laser?

JEZ:
No firing your weapons in the studio, sweetie. Who’s more cut-throat: demons or a Hollywood agent?

GINA:
Depends on the deal on the table at the moment.

JEZ:
Heh. What’s better: slaughtering demons, or eating chocolate?

GINA:
Slaughtering demons is infinitely more satisfying. And my ass doesn’t get bigger when I kill demons.

JEZ:
Wait—chocolate makes you gain weight? [BLEEP] I really got to learn more about being mortal. Er. So, in Surviving Demon Island, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jaci, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Dear Creator in sync the entire time?

GINA:
You wouldn’t believe what that woman had me doing. I think she was trying to kill me off in earlier chapters.

JEZ:
Bless me, I hear you. What the Hell is it with our Creators? Mine’s psychotic.

GINA:
Jaci was vile and evil and I think she was on some kind of mood-altering medication. We argued, constantly. She claimed she was building my character—making me stronger.

JEZ:
Yup, I got that party-line too. “Whatever doesn’t kill you, blah blah.”

GINA:
Whatever. I still bear a grudge over some of the things she had me do, dammit.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about SDI?

GINA:
There’s one very important detail I would change, because just thinking about what happened there makes me so sad I could cry.

JEZ:
… And? Come on, spill.

GINA:
I can’t say it here, because it’s a big plot revelation and Jaci would kill me.

JEZ:
Fine, then tell me one thing in the publishing world you wish could be different.

GINA:
I think I should be the star in all the demon hunter books, but Jaci seems to think I’ve had my 15 minutes of fame in Surviving Demon Island. In subsequent books, someone else gets to be the main character.

JEZ:
Aw, that really sucks! I don’t get to read more about you and Derek having sweaty animal sex? [BLEEP]

GINA:
Derek and I were great, dammit. Clearly, Jaci has no idea what she’s doing. She says she loves the publishing world and her books and her publishers. I think she’s had too many Christmas cookies and is living in la-la land right now. And I really think we should revisit the “Gina as star” thing…

JEZ:
Let me know if you want my people (well, former people) to, um, talk to Jaci. I bet they could show her the error of her ways…

MEL:
Silver-tongued devil.

JEZ:
Heh. Not me. Gina, what’s more frightening: a hybrid demon, or a hybrid demon’s body odor?

GINA:
Oh. My. God. They stink so bad. The stench alone could kill you. I’ll go with the body odor, even though those bastards are strong and scary as hell.

JEZ:
Speaking of scary…Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good or Evil?

GINA:
Early Arnold – fabulous. Later Arnold – WTF.

JEZ:
Yeah, agreed. If SDI went the way of Hollywood, would you play yourself on the big screen? What about (yum) Derek?

GINA:
I’m thinking Angelina Jolie for me, and Gerard Butler for Derek. I’m retired from acting now, and no way does Derek get hot and steamy love scenes with Angelina.

JEZ:
Yeah, if she did, she might have a baby with him. Finally, if you could be Evil for one day (without worrying about the state of your immortal soul), what would you use your infernal powers for?

GINA:
Since I’d have the inside track on demons, I’d use my Evil for demon ass-kicking, of course. No offense and present company accepted, because you’re pretty damn cool for a demon, Jezzie.

JEZ:
Aw, and for a mortal who slaughters the nefarious, you’re pretty cool yourself. After the show wraps, let’s head out—the night is young, even if I’m not. Avid Fans, show your love to the star of Jaci Burton’s Surviving Demon Island…Gina Bliss!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me, my fellow Kensington Succubus Diva Georgina, and sexy cop/werewolf Luna at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a brand of custom racing shoes.

Smooches!