JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse. I’m Jezebel, former demon of Lust, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the Muse of Tragedy. Say hello to the cliché-speaking, quote whoring, pop culture referencing producer of Cat and Muse . . . Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
Nice tattoo of Josh Holloway on your arm, by the way. You were serious the other day when you told me you wanted to have his babies, weren’t you?

MEL:
Of course I’m serious. You’re just not seeing the big picture here, Freckles.

JEZ:
I take it you’re a Lost fan. You like where the writers are going with it?

MEL:
So a tribe of evil natives planted a ringer in the camp to kidnap a pregnant girl and a reject from VH1 has-beens. Yeah, fiendishly clever.

JEZ:
Me, I don’t know. I think they’re getting stuck. They better have some [BLEEP] resolution this season, or I’ll be seriously pissed.

MEL:
Swell. I guess we can all sue Oceanic together.

JEZ:
Moving away from your fantasies about you and Sawyer…throw one my way about elves.

MEL:
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment. Elves are terrific. They beget terror.

JEZ:
Now that’s the kind of elf I’m talking about—the one that kicks [BLEEP] and takes names.

MEL:
No one ever said elves are nice.

JEZ:
Take it from me: nice is grossly overrated. Avid Fans, our next guest on Cat and Muse is anything but nice. She’s a former cop and current P.I. She’s smart and sexy and snarky, and if she looks like jailbait, well, that’s a plus. Give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Elaine Cunningham’s Changeling Detective series . . . Gwen Gellman!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Gwen!

GWEN:
[LOOKS AROUND] THIS is what Sister Tamar set up? She said I should talk to someone who can “understand the unexpected turns my life has taken,” but a demon?

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Actually, that’s former demon. Current human exotic dancer. And talk-show host.

GWEN:
Semantics. Holy [BLEEP]. Tamar must really be pissed off about that poker game. And you in the toga–what are you supposed to be?

JEZ:
Uh oh. You should sit down . . .

MEL:
I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.

GWEN:
Oh-KAY.

JEZ:
Tried to warn you. Never ask the Muse of Tragedy what she’s supposed to be.

GWEN:
Oddly enough, after the week I’ve had, you two are barely a blip on the radar. So what the Hell–I’ll play.

JEZ:
Alrighty . . . From a human cop to an Elder Race private investigator. My, my. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make. What was the toughest part of adjusting to the new world you were thrown into?

GWEN:
Apart from the whole “not human” thing, you mean?

JEZ:
Heh. Yeah.

GWEN:
I guess the hardest part has been getting my head around the idea that elves really exist—not that anyone I know uses the E-word. Apparently, that’s Just Not Done.

JEZ:
Anything good about being one of the E-words?

GWEN:
Too soon to tell.

JEZ:
There has to be something. Isn’t the sex better?

GWEN:
So far, I’ve only had sex with, you know, humans. But get back to me in a month or so. Or sooner. Yeah, definitely sooner.

JEZ:
I have to admit, when I think “elves,” I think Keebler. You mean to tell me this is just product branding, and elves really aren’t cute little guys who bake cookies?

GWEN:
I should be so lucky. Let’s put it this way: the Tolkien estate should be getting kickbacks from the Elder Folk for the whole ethereal, blond, snooty-but-good Lord of the Rings smokescreen ol’ J.R.R. created. Noble creatures of light, my [BLEEP].

JEZ:
What about shoes? Don’t elves have penchant for making shoes?

GWEN:
I prefer boots.

MEL:
These boots are made for walkin’.

GWEN:
And kicking [BLEEP]. Hard to do when you’re wearing girly shoes.

JEZ:
Jimmy Choo makes a mean boot, you know. Huh. I guess spinning gold from hay is right out . . .

GWEN:
The best I can do is spin debt from Visa Platinum.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] I so hear that.

MEL:
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

JEZ:
Spoken like someone who never has to pay for anything. Gwen, in the Shadows series, you have to deal with human scum as well as otherworldly evil. Which is worse?

GWEN:
That’s like asking if you prefer the alley rats, or the cats that get a sick kick out of playing with them.

JEZ:
Easy: the cats. They taste better. If I remember correctly.

GWEN:
The thing is, not all humans are bad. I’m not sure I can say the same for my new team.

JEZ:
Speaking of teams, you have no shortage of love interests. There’s Ian, Damian, Jason . . . You sure your name isn’t really “Anita Blake”?

GWEN:
Three or four guys do not an Anita Blake make. And besides, Jason is my partner’s son, okay? That would be like sleeping with my cousin. A really good-looking cousin. Probably a second or third cousin twice removed. But still.

JEZ:
Okay, okay. So if not Jason, then who do you want to get sweaty with?

GWEN:
Damian is cute and smart and intense, but he comes from a conservative family and they’re knit together pretty tight, so he prefers to stick with his own kind. Unless, of course, it turns out that Beyonce is an elf, in which case all bets are off.

JEZ:
Nah, she’s a succubus diva. Trust me, I know the type.

GWEN:
And Ian Forrest is bad news, even if he IS the good guy. Sort of.

JEZ:
Um, the problem here is what, exactly?

GWEN:
I wish I knew. I’m not sure what Ian’s agenda is, but at least he shows when I need backup, and he’s definitely willing to mentor the newbie.

JEZ:
“Mentoring,” eh? Is that another word for—

GWEN:
Oh, yeah. Big time. And that could be a problem.

JEZ:
Do tell.

GWEN:
Ian tells me I’ll eventually have three “Qualities”—weird abilities that wane and wax with the moon tides and the cycles of the year. Two of them, I know about. I caught a glimpse of my third Quality when Ian and I were warming up for, you know, mentoring, and holy crap, talk about a buzz kill. I don’t scare easily, but that. . . .

JEZ:
Hey, don’t underestimate the power of fear as an aphrodisiac.

GWEN:
I hear you, but there’s the sort of fear that says, “Edge a little closer, a little closer . . .” and the kind that says, “Run like hell, now!” Let’s just say that if sex with Ian opens that particular door, he’d damn well better be as good as he looks.

JEZ:
Gotcha. Strip clubs play a role in Shadows in the Darkness. What’s your attitude toward these clubs? And do you know if they’re hiring?

GWEN:
No offense, but you’re . . . what? Twenty-seven, maybe?

JEZ:
This particular body? Yeah, pushing thirty. Ish.

GWEN:
That would make you more than a dozen years too old for the club I worked in Darkness. That place caters to guys who like jailbait T&A, either the real thing or close enough to fake it. And before you ask, I’m thirty-four.

JEZ:
Really? Sweetie, you’ve got to tell me what moisturizer you use.

GWEN:
Yeah, well, one of the “advantages” of the EF deal is we don’t age the same. That’s not all bad, but people do tend to wonder why you haven’t changed much since the Reagan administration ended.

JEZ:
[SNORTS]

GWEN:
As for my attitude toward strip clubs, hey—as long as it’s all fun and games between consenting adults, I’ve got no problem. When they start handing out fake ID to high school sophomores along with G-strings and jobs applications . . . problem.

JEZ:
Duly noted. What’s better: sex or French fries?

GWEN:
I never met a fried potato I didn’t like. Other than adding salt and ketchup, it’s hard to improve on a French fry. On the other hand, sex comes in a lot of good flavors, condiments optional. So unless there are golden arches overhead at the time, I’d have to say sex.

JEZ:
Smart woman. In either of the Shadows books, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Elaine, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Dear Creator in sync the entire time?

GWEN:
Tricking me into swearing I’d never eat French fries again just to prove how much power oaths have over the EF? That was just mean.

JEZ:
Bless me, Creators can be real [BLEEP], can’t they? If you had your way, what would you change about Shadows?

GWEN:
One of my closest friends was murdered. If I could stop that, I would. If that wasn’t possible, I’d like an hour alone with the person who killed him.

JEZ:
A woman with a taste for vengeance. Sweet. If Shadows went the way of Hollywood, who do you see playing your part?

GWEN:
I don’t know. Is there anyone out there who looks like the Alias girl, only younger?

JEZ:
Maybe Hilary Swank?

MEL:
Boys don’t cry.

JEZ:
You’re right. Not Hilary Swank. Last question: If you could be Evil for one day (without worrying about the state of your immortal soul), what would you use your infernal powers for?

GWEN:
Do I have an immortal soul? Ian didn’t cover that in orientation.

JEZ:
If you don’t know, I ain’t telling . . .

GWEN:
I’m kidding. Sort of. The truth is, I’m not so sure that I’m NOT evil. That third Quality, what little I saw of it, scared the crap out of me.

JEZ:
Hey, a little fear is healthy.

MEL:
The only thing there is to fear is fear itself.

GWEN:
And other songs from the same album. Hmmm. I suppose I’d do pretty much what I do now.

JEZ:
Ooh, so you’re saying you’re evil?

GWEN:
I’m sure that matters, in a philosophical sense, but look at it this way: an avenging angel’s sword or a Sith Lord’s force-lightning–when you’re on the receiving end, there’s really no practical difference. Whatever the attitude of the badass holding the glow-stick, the result is still the same.

JEZ:
Sweetie, you and I have got to go out after the show and compare Evil notes. Avid Fans, once again shower your affection on the star of Elaine Cunningham’s Changeling Detective series . . . Gwen Gellman!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me and my fellow Kensington Succubus Diva, Georgina, and super sexy werewolf cop Luna at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also lingerie.

Smooches!