JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to another episode of Cat and Muse — the only Internet talk show run by a former demon and a cliche-speaking Muse. I’m Jezebel, your host, and said former demon. Specifically, a former succubus: creature of Lust, had lots of sex, brought lots of evil people’s souls down to Hell. You know, the day job. With me, as always, is the sexy, serendipitous Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Mel! Did you have a good weekend?

MELPOMENE:
THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER CLIMBED UP THE WATER SPOUT.

JEZ:
Ah. Saw Spider-Man 3, did you?

MEL:
GO WEB. FLY. UP, UP AND AWAY, WEB! SHAZAM!

JEZ:
And…did you like it?

MEL:
WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

JEZ:
Um, yeah. But did you like it?

MEL:
GO GET ‘EM, TIGER.

JEZ:
I’ll take that as a yes. Shouldn’t be surprised. Super spiders? Why not? Hey, here on Cat and Muse, you’ve heard from goblin heroes and nymph kings, from ghosts and vampires.
But now I’m happy to introduce to you a woman from Regency England, a lady who has a way with a stake.

MEL:
HIGH STAKES.

JEZ:
So to speak. Speaking of speaking, I want our latest guest to feel right at home, so I’m going to speak in Ye Olde English.

MEL:
[DIES LAUGHING]

JEZ:
Nice. Keep it up, Muse, and you can get another job. Avid Fans, please give a Cat and Muse welcome to the heroine of Colleen Gleason’s terrific Buffy-Meets-Jane-Austen novels, The Rest Falls Away and Rises the Night…Victoria Gardella!

[APPLAUSE]

VICTORIA:
Thank you so much for inviting me. This is quite unlike any of the teas or soirees I’ve ever been to…

JEZ:
I’m quite pleased, my lady, that you’re able to join us. However, I must insist on some ground rules before we begin the interview. First, you will not attempt to kill the interviewer. That would be in very poor form. Second, assuming you abide by the first rule, I will not attempt to kill you. I’m no longer a demon, after all. And I have no love for vampires. So…a pleasant conversation only, with no posturing or threats. Agreed?

VIC:
Quite. I shall sheath my stake now…blast it! My reticule is just too small and Verbena didn’t do my hair today, I was in such a rush to get here, so I’ve no place to put it. Shall I rest it on the table here, or will that put a damper on things?

JEZ:
Ah. Well, the table will be fine.

[ASIDE]
Mel, keep an eye on her hands.

[TO VICTORIA]
So—Victoria Gardella. The former Miss Grantworth. Marchioness of Rockley. Venator. So many titles. However do you remember them all?

VIC:
[LAUGHS] Pish, Jezebel. You know the Venator title is supposed to be kept under wraps! Only a few select people know about that one.

JEZ:
Oopsie. Bad former demon.

VIC:
And of course all of London knows of my new title as the Marchioness of Rockley. And I can tell by the look on your face that you wish to know what new title I might also aspire to! As in, in the future. As in, perhaps, from another member of the male persuasion.

JEZ:
Was I that obvious?

VIC:
Yes you were. But in order to find out—or to at least make an educated guess—you’ll have to read my latest adventures, in a volume titled Rises the Night. And since I care not to divulge any further information in regards to the—er—men in my life at this time, you might perhaps make a guess.

JEZ:
I? I prefer knowing over guessing, but thank you for the offer. You know, “Venator” is such an interesting title for your…noble profession. And here I’d thought it was a class of spider.

VIC:
[SHUDDERS] Spiders? Ugh. They are too much like vampires for my taste—the sucking of blood and wrapping up their prey. Spiders use their webs, and vampires use their eyes, but it results in the same helplessness.

JEZ:
Sounds like you have yet to meet a friendly vampire. I should introduce you to the Lady Dearly.

VIC:
At any rate, the name Venator comes from the Latin—which I’m sure you’re familiar with, having been around long enough to have heard the Romans speaking it!—and it means, simply, “hunter.”

JEZ:
Indeed. Venators were the class of Roman soldiers who had specialized in hunting food. Does that mean you see vampires as…fresh meat?

VIC:
Pardon me for saying so, as they are half-demon and somehow related to you and your race (although I know there is no love lost between you and those fresh new-comers and potential Hell-Usurpers)…but I find absolutely nothing redeeming about them.

JEZ:
[GRINS] You should see the family reunions…

VIC:
Only if I can bring my stake. And at least with fresh meat one can make stew (if indeed one cooked, which of course I don’t, but we have someone at St. Heath’s Row who does). With vampires, they aren’t worth the dust they become when I stake them!

JEZ:
From debutante to vampire hunter. My, my. That must have been quite an adjustment. How did you receive the news before your debut that you were the next Gardella called into service as a Venator?

VIC:
The news was dropped upon me quite abruptly by my dear Aunt Eustacia, who is also a Venator. I’d had a series of dreams about being chased by one of those horrid demons—er, pardon me, half-demons—and when I told her about them, she told me in no uncertain terms that that was a portent of my future.

JEZ:
Those portents. Quite annoying. And the timing could be better.

VIC:
At first I was understandably surprised and shaken, but it wasn’t long before I realized the idea had some merit. After all, the extra power and strength would give me an added ability to take care of myself—and an additional freedom that no other woman—or man—in London could understand.

JEZ:
Oh?

VIC:
There’s something incredibly attractive about knowing that one is self-sufficient, especially in a world where we women are supposed to marry well, bear heirs, and gossip.

MEL:
A WOMAN’S PLACE.

JEZ:
Puh-leez. My lady, you insisted on keeping both your London society profile as well as your role as a Venator, thinking you could balance both aspects of your lives. Tell me, have you always been this addled?

VIC:
I’m a very stubborn woman, my dear Jezebel. And might I remind you that we all make mistakes—although perhaps not quite as terrible as some of mine—and that hindsight, as I believe they say, is 20/20 (whatever that means!).

JEZ:
Truthfully, what made you possibly think that you could dance in ballrooms as well as stalk moonlit streets?

VIC:
How on earth would I have explained to my mother that I was going to put myself on a shelf before my Season actually began? It would have been impossible to make her understand and what a row it would have been!

JEZ:
I do concede the point. Well then. Some ladies capture the heart of one bachelor. You, my dear, scored the attention of three very interesting men in The Rest Falls Away: Phillip, the Marquess of Rockley; Maximilian, the master vampire executioner; and Sebastian Vioget, a pub owner who is much more than he appears. They all have their positive attributes. However were you able to pick just one man? Unless you didn’t, and you are, shall we say, getting a little bit on the side…?

VIC:
Jezebel, I’m quite sure I don’t know what you mean about “getting a little bit on the side.” I’m certain you don’t mean what I think you do…do you?

MEL:
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

JEZ:
[SMILES INNOCENTLY]

VIC:
Heavens. I’m shocked!

JEZ:
You can have sex with only one man, for all of eternity. Who do you choose…and why?

VIC:
Johnny Depp. (My publicist told me to say that.)

JEZ:
HAH! What suggestions do you have for ladies who wish a certain fellow’s attention? What should she do? (And please don’t tell me that she has to kill a vampire or two.)

VIC:
Well, I daresay it does help if she stakes a vampire or two—that seems to attract men like bees to honey. After all, one is quite mysterious and intriguing, and not at all the norm if one is sneaking off into the night, carrying a stake, and returning with sparkling eyes and flushed cheeks.

JEZ:
My my. Tell us about the vis bulla. Is it a fertility charm? Can you slay vampires if you’re with child? (Maybe the child would be bait for the vampires?)

VIC:
A fertility charm? My goodness! You do have a one-track mind, do you not? Hasn’t anyone ever told you there is more to life than…well…[WHISPERS] sexual relations?

JEZ:
[BLINKS] There is?

VIC:
And as far as being enceinte and slaying vampires, I wouldn’t know. I’ve never tried it, though I’d expect it to be quite difficult from what I’ve seen from the few ladies I’ve had the chance to see while in a family way.

JEZ:
Speaking of family, your Aunt Eustacia is quite the character. Is she insane, or merely pretending?

VIC:
Your guess is as good as mine, but think about it…she has quite an attractive man at her beck and call. She’s crazy like a fox.

JEZ:
Who are more cutthroat: vampires or the ton?

VIC:
The ton. At least with vampires, they only come out at night and can be held at bay by a cross and holy water…those biddies—er, the ladies of the ton—can be quite persistent at all hours of the day! And nothing seems to frighten them into their place.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing about the world today you wish you could change.

VIC:
I’d like to have all the vampires drop off the face of the earth so I can have my vis bulla but not have to put my life and my loved one’s lives on the line while I hunt them.

JEZ:
Aw….

VIC:
But if I couldn’t have that, I’d quite like to have this thing they call a cell phone.

JEZ:
Bless me, you’re adorable. What’s more upsetting: the vampire queen Lilith plotting to enslave all of humanity, or the vampire queen Lilith cutting in on one of your dances?

VIC:
She wouldn’t dare! I can waltz better than that flimsy, pasty-faced, blue-veined Medusa any day.

JEZ:
My my!

VIC:
I’d trounce on her foot and send her spinning into the arms of George Starcasset if she tried!

JEZ:
Temper, temper…The vampire Angelus: Good or Evil?

VIC:
Who? I haven’t met him yet. Does he have hair on his chest? [GASPS] I can’t believe I said that. See what you’ve done to me?

JEZ:
[GRINS] Finally, if you could be Evil for one day (without worrying about the state of your immortal soul), how would you use your infernal powers?

VIC:
I’d learn everything I could about Lilith and her vampires so I could use it to destroy them. I really don’t like them!

JEZ:
So I see! My lady, I want to thank you again for taking the time to visit here on Cat and Muse. And Avid Fans, remember that Rises the Night, the sequel to The Rest Falls Away, is available for preorder on Amazon.com and B&N.com, among others. My Dear Creator has read Rises the Night, and she just wouldn’t stop raving about how fabulous it was. Er. Victoria, my dear, allow me to say now that I am truly sorry for everything you are about to go through in the next few months.

VIC:
Huh? Don’t tell me another important character dies!

JEZ:
Who, me? Tell? Never. Avid Fans, give a hearty round of applause for the intrepid heroine of Colleen Gleason’s spectacular The Rest Falls Away…Victoria Gardella!

[APPLAUSE]
That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a way of life.

Smooches!