JEZEBEL:
…telling you, it’s a freaking disgrace. I’ve been pulling my weight just fine. Is it my fault she’s been distracted with this whole quote-unquote real-life thing? And don’t even get me started about her whining about her day job craziness and the hellvella deadline and the promotion for the next book and…

[BLEEP], what do you mean, we’re on?

[COUGH, COUGH]

Heya, avid fans. Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run by a fictional character. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the cliche-speaking Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene! Hi, Mel!
MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Getting ready for Harry Potter insanity?

MEL:
THE END IS NIGH.

JEZ:
Yeah, but when it’s time, it’s time. You know how it’s going to end, don’t you?

MEL:
DO TELL, DO TELL.
JEZ:
Well, Harry’s going to be in a diner, waiting for the others to join him. Sitting alone, he puts a dime in the jukebox, and on comes Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” The bell over the door jingles, and in walks Hermione, who slides across from Harry in the booth.

MEL:
IT’S HAUNTINGLY FAMILIAR.
JEZ:
As they chat, other people filter into the diner, the bell jingling every time — regular folks, maybe, but some who seem to radiate “Death Eater” menace. The bell jingles, and in walks Ron, who sits next to Hermione. The bell jingles again, but it’s just another person. As the three of them talk, outside we see Ginny trying to park her car, but because she hasn’t even got her learner’s permit, she’s having a [BLEEP] of a time trying to get into a spot. The bell jingles, and one creepy-looking person gets up to use the loo. Ginny parks, finally, and dashes over to the diner so that she won’t be too late. Ron suggests they order the Everlasting Gobstoppers: “The best in all of Madagascar!” Ginny bolts to the door, the bell jingles, Harry looks up…cut to black.

MEL:
THE REST IS SILENCE.

JEZ:
Exactly. What do you think?

MEL:
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

JEZ:
So I plagiarized from The Sopranos. I’m a demon; sue me.
Well, avid fans, we have changes to announce. Big changes here. But I’m going to let my Dear Creator be the one to fill you in.

MEL:
[CHICKEN CLUCKING NOISES]

JEZ:
What? I am not chicken. She’s the one who’s making the call. She can be the one who gets the boos.

MEL:
DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER?

JEZ:
Exactly. So, without further ado, here’s my Dear Creator…author of HELL’S BELLES and THE ROAD TO HELL…Jackie Kessler.

[APPLAUSE]

JACKIE:
Hey, everyone. Thanks for having me on Cat and Muse, Jez.

JEZ:
Not like I had much of a choice.

JACKIE:
Oh, come on. Don’t be like that.

JEZ:
Like what?

JACKIE:
You sound bitter.

JEZ:
Me? Sweetie, I’m a creature of Lust, not Envy. I’m not bitter. Confused, yeah. Pissed off? You bet. Bitter? Not so much.

JACKIE:
Look, I’m sorry, all right? But I just couldn’t keep up with two blogs, plus the writing, plus the promotion, plus my day job and family…

MEL:
[PULLS OUT VIOLIN AND BEGINS TO PLAY]

JACKIE:
And Mel, you can stop that right now, if you ever want me to write THE WILD MUSE CHASE.

MEL:
MEA CULPA.

JEZ:
So you’re killing Cat and Muse because you couldn’t handle it.

JACKIE:
No! I’m not killing it at all! I’m merging the two blogs. If anything, I’m killing Insert Witty Title Here.

JEZ:
Okay, see the above about me being confused.

JACKIE:
Here’s the deal: From now on, there is one blog only. This one. Here, on my website. And the name of this blog is now “Insert Witty Title Here.” And it’s my blog…which I will share with you. You can still do “Cat and Muse” here. Please, still interview characters from other authors’ books. And I’ll be here too, interviewing authors from the Girlfriend’s Cyber Circuit, from Backspace, from all over. And, you know, posting about stuff.

JEZ:
So…you’ll be posting, and I’ll be posting, right here, under one blog? So readers don’t have to go to more than one blog anymore?

JACKIE:
Right.

JEZ:
And between the two of us, we’ll be blogging more regularly?

JACKIE:
Right.

JEZ:
And I believe you why?

JACKIE:
Because you’re the demon, not me.

JEZ:
Ah. Point. Okay, then. Um…shake, partner.

MELPOMENE:
THIS IS THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

JEZ:
Don’t push your luck, Muse.