JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time once again for another episode of Cat and Muse, the only character-driven Internet talk show, ever, for all time! I’m the former demon Jezebel, your host, who’s only slightly prone to exaggeration. With me, as always, is the cliché-speaking, pop-culture-referencing laughably lamentable Muse of Tragedy! Boys and girls, give a round of applause to…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
September’s right around the corner. You have any plans to travel before the grind picks up again?

MEL:
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS.

JEZ:
Ah. Me, I’m thinking about getting away for a bit. Maybe I’ll take a cue from our next guest here on Cat and Muse and go to Paris.

MEL:
PARIS IS ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA.

JEZ:
I think so. And so does the star of Laura Florand’s novel, BLAME IT ON PARIS, which Publisher’s Weekly calls “A frothy French confection.” And Booklist calls BLAME IT ON PARIS “hilarious” and says “Readers will be happy to live vicariously in Laura’s French fairytale.”

MEL:
OOH LA LA.

JEZ:
Avid Fans, let’s give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Blame It On Paris—Laura!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Laura!

LAURA:
Bonjour, y’all! Je suis enchantée. Or as they say where I come from, I’m thrilled to pieces to be here.

JEZ:
So a perfectly normal person from a small town in Georgia ends up in Paris. My my. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make.

LAURA:
[NODS] People jumped back in fear when I smiled at them. And coming from a small town in Georgia, I smiled a lot.

JEZ:
And then you fall for a Parisian and have to deal with his completely insane family. What’s the worst thing you have to deal with?

LAURA:
I’m in Paris. It rains all the time, it’s freezing cold, and people are hostile and dress all in black. I believe you might be familiar with living around people who are hostile, Jez.

JEZ:
Yeah, I’ve seen some of that in my time.

LAURA:
And maybe you’ll understand my attitude toward cold weather. Speaking of which, how is the humidity in Hell? Anything like Georgia in August?

JEZ:
Nope. In Hell, it’s a dry kind of broil. Except, of course, when Hell freezes over. So what’s the best thing you have to deal with?

LAURA:
There’s a lot of chocolate in Paris.

JEZ:
Yes indeed! But enough with the small talk. You fall for a hot Parisian named Sébastien. So spill. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

LAURA:
Not spilling.

JEZ:
Aw…

LAURA:
I think writing a book about myself is probably enough sharing.

JEZ:
Okay, let’s take it down a notch. What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

LAURA:
A tall, dark, handsome Parisian who is kind to bugs and shares his chocolate.

JEZ:
Kind to bugs? Really?

LAURA:
Yes, really. He goes around saving bugs’ lives. I never have been much of a bug-saver myself, having grown up near a swamp in the wilds of Georgia, but it’s a touching quality in a cute guy, I have to say.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

LAURA:
I believe I would get in big trouble with the above romantic fantasy if I said chocolate.

JEZ:
Heh. So, in Blame It On Paris, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Laura—author Laura, not you Laura—sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

LAURA:
Oh, no, we were never in sync. I was ALWAYS thinking “What the hell are you making me do?” It was a real issue, given that the author and I were the same person.

JEZ:
Wait a minute. Are you really Laura Florand?

LAURA:
[MIMES ZIPPING LIPS SHUT]

MEL:
TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN.

JEZ:
Wow. That’s intense. Given that you are the author and the main character, is there anything that you would have changed about Blame It On Paris?

LAURA:
I would have liked it to be marketed it as what it is: a memoir.

JEZ:
Sweetie, you’re blowing my fragile little mind here. You’re the author, AND this all really happened to you? This isn’t, you know, A Million Little Pieces of Paris we’re talking about?

LAURA:
Well, I believe the Million Little Pieces scandal, which exploded into its million little pieces right at the time marketing decisions were being made on Blame It On Paris, might have influenced the editorial decision to call it fiction. Still, it’s vastly annoying having people who personally witnessed half of it remain convinced I must have made up the other half. Especially the part about the snails.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] The snails?

LAURA:
No one ever believes the part about the snails.

MEL:
LOOK AT THAT ESS CAR GO.

LAURA:
But who knows? Maybe calling it a novel was a good marketing decision. Also, it provides a nice crutch to my family members whenever they want to claim I made all those things about them up. You know, I warned my four older brothers when they were picking on me as a child that I was going to grow up to be a writer…

JEZ:
Okay, now this question is going to make no sense, but it’s standard operating procedure here on Cat and Muse. If you could make the author of Blame It On Paris do anything, what would it be?

LAURA:
I have the hardest time making that girl listen to me.

JEZ:
Wait, you ARE talking about yourself, aren’t you?

LAURA:
Well, yes, but I have a smart self and then the Real Me, if you will. I, the smart self, which is the self allowed to do interviews, explain things to the Real Me very carefully and logically, and we come to a rational decision based on thoughtful analysis of the choices, and then she goes and does something insane.

JEZ:
Yeah, I can relate to the insanity. [GLANCES MEANINGFULLY AT DEAR CREATOR] What’s your favorite item of clothing?

LAURA:
In the book, I have a real thing going about my black leather pants.

JEZ:
Sweet!

LAURA:
Unfortunately, since having a baby, I don’t fit those anymore. So sometimes I look at my book cover and pretend I am me. And if you think that sounds schizophrenic, YOU try being the character in a book and a real person. Oh….maybe you have tried that.

JEZ:
Nah. Dear Creator and I are two different entities. But if she were a demon, and I were Jewish, we’d be the same person. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

LAURA:
Cruelty. To anything or anyone, really. I would like it to stop. In particular, the bad things people do to children eat me up inside.

JEZ:
Aw. Okay, happier topic. If Blame It On Paris goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

LAURA:
I don’t even want to think about it. I just know I will flinch no matter who it is. Unless maybe we could go back in time and get Lauren Bacall. I am perfectly cool with having people think I look and act like Lauren Bacall. In fact, I tried to use her as my author photo, but some over-alert editor caught it. Why is that editors never answer emails but take the time to look at author photos?

JEZ:
Industry secret, I’m sure. What about Sébastien?

LAURA:
Sébastien is cute enough to play himself, but he always makes faces at the camera, so I guess that wouldn’t work. Really, there’s no one in Hollywood who could do justice to Sébastien.

JEZ:
What’s worse: Taking on Paris, or drinking wine from Alabama?

LAURA:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be Evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy Evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

LAURA:
I would make all the chocolatiers in the world be obliged to give me unlimited free samples.

JEZ:
Hells, yeah!

LAURA:
Also, I would have some little finger-snappy thing where I could just appear in their chocolateries any time I wished.

JEZ:
And that’s evil…how, exactly?

LAURA:
I would be overriding the chocolatiers’ free will, which has instead chosen to sell those chocolates for prices higher than gold.

JEZ:
Can’t argue with you there!

Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the star…um, and author…of BLAME IT ON PARIS, available now at fine bookstores near you…Laura Florand!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for Cat and Muse this week! Don’t forget to Hit the ROAD. And remember: love your inner demon!

Smooches!