JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time once again for another episode of Cat and Muse, the only character-driven Internet talk show, ever, for all time! I’m the former demon Jezebel, your host, who’s only slightly prone to exaggeration. With me, as always, is the cliché-speaking, pop-culture-referencing laughably lamentable Muse of Tragedy! Boys and girls, give a round of applause to…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
What’s with the “I (HEART) MICHAEL MYERS” tee shirt?

MEL:
[HUMS THE THEME TO HALLOWEEN]

JEZ:
Don’t tell me you saw the reimagined Halloween…

MEL:
IT’S HALLOWEEN. EVERYONE’S ENTITLED TO ONE GOOD SCARE.

JEZ:
Heh. Our next guest knows all about the scares. She got pushed out of a top-floor window from the Luxor in Las Vegas…and survived to tell the tale. How her hair isn’t white, I’ll never know. Maybe driving fast in her sweet cars has made her immune to terminal velocity.

MEL:
SPEED KILLS!

JEZ:
Yeah, but she’s died something like a zillion times and lived to tell the tale. And she’s even saved the world. A lot. Annoyingly heroic of her, but she’s a sharp dresser, so I won’t hold it against her.

Our next guest on Cat and Muse is none other than the star of Rachel Caine’s Weather Wardens series—the latest book is THIN AIR, which debuted in July. Give a hot, hot, hot welcome to…Joanne Baldwin!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Jo!

JOANNE:
Hey, guys … um … look, it’s not that I’m bigoted or anything, but are you guys planning on spinning up some grand take-over-the-world plan that I have to combat?

JEZ:
Er. No. Not this week.

JO:
Because I came casual, but I’d hate to ruin this dress.

JEZ:
Heh. A lady with priorities. No worries, sweetie.

MEL:
[HOLDS UP THREE FINGERS IN SCOUT SALUTE]

JEZ:
First things first: I am a FORMER demon. F-O-R-M-E-R. Do not go all Apocalyptic on me. That would be damn rude. And I just had the carpet cleaned. OK, sweetie?

JO:
So long as you don’t try to take over my world, my wardrobe, or my boyfriend, we’re good.

JEZ:
[BLINKS INNOCENTLY]Who, me?

JO:
There’s the line, Jez. Stay on that side and we’ll be just fine.

JEZ:
Duly noted.

So…a woman with spectacular fashion sense and a penchant for driving fast cars…who also can control the weather, among other things. My, my. That’s a Hell of a lot of responsibility. Especially respecting your Manolos while driving fast. Tell me, what’s the hardest part about being a Weather Warden?

JO:
Seriously? OTHER PEOPLE.

JEZ:
[GRINS]Do tell.

JO:
You know how they say “Too many cooks spoil the broth?” Well, multiply that times an Apocalypse and you see my point. We have too many Wardens, and all of us are trying to do the right thing…

JEZ:
Uh huh.

JO:
Well, okay, MOST of us are trying to do the right thing. Some of us are batting for Team Evil.

MEL:
BEEN THERE. DONE THAT. BOUGHT THE TEE SHIRT.

JO:
Even when we pull off a miracle, it’s usually kind of messy.

JEZ:
It’s not messy. It’s creative.

JO:
There’s just no way to keep the mud out of your finer clothes. Even with the help of a Djinn.

JEZ:
So what’s the best part about being a Warden?

JO:
Well, I don’t have to tell YOU that power is a rush.

JEZ:
True, that.

JO:
The ability to see into dimensions that other humans can’t, that’s a plus. But I’d say the very best part of the deal for me is the job satisfaction.

JEZ:
You mean, a job well done?

JO:
Helping those who can’t help themselves. Saving lives.

JEZ:
Would it be horrifically rude if I yawn?

JO:
I realize that “saving” may be a little bit out of your experience, but think of it as damnation-opposite.

JEZ:
Cute. With the power of the weather at your command, does this mean if you ever got married, you wouldn’t have to worry about rain on your wedding day?

JO:
Yeah, RIGHT. Look, here’s how it works: the weather frickin’ HATES me.

JEZ:
What? Even with your charming personality and incredible fashion sense?

JO:
It’s not just me. All Weather Wardens seem to attract bad weather to a certain extent. If you plop me down in Death Valley, sooner or later, a monsoon’s going to appear. This is, unfortunately, because the weather ain’t just a collection of forces and physics calculations; it’s a living thing, the subconscious manifestation of the planet Earth herself. Think of storms as giant antibodies, and you get the idea.

JEZ:
Doesn’t that make people a virus?

JO:
Flattering, isn’t it?

JEZ:
Heh. So if it rains on your wedding day, you’d just hum a bar from Alannis and say it was ironic, and call it a day?

JO:
[SMILES]I’m thinking about marriage, actually. But do you have any idea how complicated it is to arrange a decent ceremony when half the guest list is supernatural and has tried to kill the other half? Not to mention the catering.

JEZ:
Seating arrangements’ll be a real [BLEEP].

JO:
Even if I can get people to stop trying to destroy me for a couple of weeks, this is hard.

JEZ:
That’s hard? Coming from you, that’s downright frightening. You’ve survived some pretty terrifying things—Demon marks, full-grown Demons, falling from about a zillion feet, burning, drowning, blue sparklies, dying. A lot. So is it one of the rules of urban fantasy that the author piles on the [BLEEP] and serves it to you nice and toasty warm? I mean, REALLY. Could it get any worse for you?

JO:
Oh, fine, get all meta on me.

JEZ:
[BLOWS JO A KISS]

JO:
I don’t know WHAT my author is thinking. [BLEEP]. But I’ll channel her thoughts this time, instead of the other time around, to say this: if you want to read about people with small problems, urban fantasy probably ain’t your cup of hemlock. There’s nothing wrong with small problems, and they’re perfectly great in the right kind of story. But in urban fantasy we tell big stories. The kind of adventure stories that we grew up with – big, sprawling, messy, complicated tales of people struggling against the unknown, and insurmountable odds. It’s like chocolate for my writer. She may put me through the [BLEEP], but it’s always for a good cause. And maybe someday she’ll let me have some nice, quiet downtime.

JEZ:
Yeah, that’ll happen.Your Dear Creator has a [BLEEP]-up sense of what’s yummy and what’s not. But speaking of yummy…David. Yummmmm. What’s the best part of having a Djinn as a lover?

JO:
You know, I don’t even know if it’s that he’s a Djinn so much as that he’s David … sure, the Djinn thing doesn’t exactly hurt, because he’s supernaturally gorgeous, and can look any way he wants to, virtually all-powerful, got thousands of years of sexual experience at pleasing his woman, but that can apply to any Djinn. And if you’re looking for a hot time, hey, that’s the way to go, believe me.

JEZ:
I do, I do!

JO:
But David…. There’s something between us that has nothing to do with what we are. With me, David isn’t a Djinn, at least not when we’re alone. He likes to be…human. And that’s really very sweet.

JEZ:
Um, sure, right, that’s very sweet.

MEL:
LOVE IS BLIND.

JEZ:
Tell me about it. Human. Huh. Is there a worst part about having a Djinn as a pillow partner? And if there is, does it really matter?

JO:
Hmmmm. Well, that’s a puzzle. I’d have to say that like in any relationship, your partner comes with baggage – only with David, his baggage is more of a cargo ship. You might hate your human lover’s family, but at least they’re not all-powerful supernatural creatures who sometimes torment people for amusement.

JEZ:
[ARCHES AN EYEBROW]

JO:
Actually, I suppose that would be your side of the family, eh?

JEZ:
Former demon. Former family. Think of me as a supernatural orphan in a human’s body. So what’s the deal with you dying? A lot? Is this a big death wish fantasy on your part?

JO:
Oh, yeah. Me and death, we’re like this. [CROSSES FINGERS]

JEZ:
Heh.

JO:
[SHRUGS]I don’t want to die, but I’m not the kind of person who flinches from what’s necessary, either. It’s not bravery, because I don’t think I’m particularly brave. It’s more that once I see what has to happen, I can’t not do everything I can. And I can’t ask somebody else to do it for me.

JEZ:
How disgustingly selfless of you.

JO:
But all in all? I’d rather be in Aruba.

JEZ:
What’s better: sex or chocolate?

JO:
Have you ever tried both at the same time? Seriously. That syrup thing CANNOT be underestimated.

JEZ:
Who’re better kissers, Djinn or triple-threat Wardens?

JO:
Totally different. Lewis is a dangerous hottie, no doubt about it. And man, can that guy kiss (not even going to MENTION the other things he can do).

JEZ:
Tell!

JO:
He’s especially deadly to my self-control because there’s some kind of feedback loop the two of us get into when we touch. Power feeding power. You can imagine.

JEZ:
[HAPPY SIGH]Yes, sweetie, I sure can…

JO:
But all in all, even though I love Lewis, I don’t love Lewis. Not like I love David. And there’s something so primally sweet, hot, and genuine about the way David kisses me that no amount of power can compete.

JEZ:
Awwwww.

JO:
Plus, Jeez, he’s got a zillion years of practice behind him.

JEZ:
Ooh! Let’s pretend you’re in a David and Lewis sandwich. Who’s on top?

JO:
Talk about a hero sandwich … ahem. I can only think that there would be a lot of rolling around in that situation, so tops and bottoms might not exactly be a stable kind of thing. And in the end, it’s all tasty, tasty sandwich makings.

JEZ:
[GRINS]What do you use for a condiment?

JO:
I know it’s going to sound really suggestive, but I’m partial to Miracle Whip.

JEZ:
We lovey the suggestive comments here on Cat and Muse. You used to be practically immortal as a Djinn. Now you’re merely human.

JO:
Sort of.

JEZ:
Believe me, sweetie, I can relate. Do you ever miss being a child of fire? Would you go back to it, if you could?

JO:
Every damn time I get whomped on by the bad guys, or bad weather, yeah, I think about it. It was so nice not having to worry about mortal wounds and such. Then again, there were plenty of drawbacks to Djinn life; it’s too easy, you know?

JEZ:
Too easy? And this is a problem?

JO:
I think the New Djinn, like David, feel that a lot. They yearn on some deep level for the kind of meaningful existence that humanity searches for, and sometimes finds.

JEZ:
Uh huh.

JO:
Then again, if I was falling into a volcano and somebody made the offer? I might go back. Unless you or some other Demon was the one asking, of course.

JEZ:
Former demon. F-O-R-M-E-R. And little “d.” Sheesh. No matter how refreshingly snarky you are, your sister redefines the word “bitch.” So why, exactly, haven’t you killed her?

JO:
Because she also pretty much defines the word “pathetic.” And mom would have been VERY disappointed in me.

JEZ:
In a group of three girls, as Margaret Cho says, there’s the smart one, there’s the cute one, and then, there’s the ‘ho. Between you, Rahel and Cherise, who’s who?

JO:
Oh LORD. Rahel would have to be the smart one, just because she terrifies me and if I said she was cute, much less a ‘ho, she’d kick my ass in ways I’ve never experienced. Cherise…well, she’s just cute, isn’t she? Which leaves me for the ‘ho. I hope I get some kind of free drink with that.

JEZ:
We’ll go out after the interview! I know this great club, and the ladies always get in for free. Who would make a better Djinn: Lewis or Kevin?

JO:
My mind just fried into a pork rind at the thought of giving Kevin unlimited power.

JEZ:
So…Lewis?

JO:
Lewis. Please, God, Lewis.

JEZ:
So, in any of the Weather Wardens series, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Rachel, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

JO:
I ask her “What the HELL?” all the time. But she usually has really good reasons for why she’s making me do something dangerous, like face down the Big Bad by myself–or something humiliating, like wearing a little French maid costume for my teenage Djinn-master.

JEZ:
Hah!

JO:
Ack. There’s something you just never get over.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about any of the Weather Wardens books?

JO:
I’d have more people buy them.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

JO:
I wish every day, people would commit to doing one nice thing for someone else. Just one. It doesn’t matter what it is–helping the neighbor lady mow her lawn, paying for the gas (anonymously) for someone else at the pump, lending money to Kiva.org…there are thousands of opportunities every day to do something nice and make the world a better place to be.

JEZ:
How…nice.

JO:
Hate to break it to you, Jez, but in a lot of ways we manage to make our own Hell right here.

JEZ:
I know. Believe me, Jo. I know. What’s more frightening: A roomful of Djinn getting ready to have you do the ashes-to-ashes thing, or the same Djinn wearing scuffed Jimmy Choo’s?

JO:
Ha, be realistic: There are only one or two Djinn I can think of who’d even UNDERSTAND what Jimmy Choo is, and they’d never scuff them.

JEZ:
Those are the smart Djinn.

JO:
I’ll have to go with the first thing, because that’s much more likely. Although the second will haunt my nightmares for years to come, thanks very much.

JEZ:
[GRINS]I consider that a job well done. Is that really you on the Weather Wardens covers?

JO:
Stunt double. I couldn’t get my hair to straighten out on cue.

JEZ:
Bless me, I hate that. I’ve got the brunette curls from you-know-where also. What’s your romantic fantasy? You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

JO:
Secretly?

MEL:
OUR LIPS ARE SEALED.

JEZ:
[MIMES ZIPPING LIPS SHUT]

JO:
You hit it before, which seriously freaked me out. I mean, what girl wouldn’t fantasize a little bit out a David and Lewis sandwich experience? Okay, maybe that’s not so much romantic as frenzied, but there it is, I confess, the thought has crossed my mind.

JEZ:
Once or twice…

JO:
[WINKS]A day. But if we’re talking romantic fantasy–and at heart, I’m really a full-blown romantic–it has to be having David all to myself someplace quiet, away from the world, away from the doom that always seems to be pursuing. Having my lover in all those sweet and wonderful ways that gives me a warm, buttery glow deep down. Mmmmm.

JEZ:
That’s sweet.

JO:
Of course, if we could find a way to do it comfortably in a classic Mustang, that’d be even better.

JEZ:
Hah! If Weather Wardens went the way of Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

JO:
Originally, I thought maybe Sandra Bullock. She’s a lot like me, even down to the sense of humor. Or Charisma Carpenter, for you Buffy fans. She’d be fantastic. Don’t know past that. Got any suggestions? I’ll bet you know ALL the A-listers …

JEZ:
I know a few actresses who are dying to make a deal. I’ll hook you up later. What about (yum) David? Who should play him?

JO:
Unless we can time-travel James Spader—and oh my, if we could!!—back to circa 1990 or so, I’ll have to go with Michael Shanks.

[INTO THE MIKE] But I’m perfectly willing to take auditions, guys. Call me.

JEZ:
And Lewis?

JO:
I’m thinking David Duchovny, but I could equally go with the lovely and talented Nathan Fillion.

JEZ:
I bet you could go for both! For the rabid boys out there, what about Cherise?

JO:
Hayden Panettiere, from HEROES, for starters. But I’ll bet the guys have lots of candidates.

JEZ:
Would you insist on a body double for the s-e-x scenes?

JO:
Are you kidding? Do I look crazy to you?

JEZ:
[SMILES INNOCENTLY]

JO:
Don’t answer that. I do my own stunts. It’s all part of my consummate professional approach.

JEZ:
One that I fully admire. Finally, if you could be Evil for one day—you, really, and not a Demon doing a doppelganger thing—what would you use your Warden powers for?

JO:
Looking for pointers, Jez?

JEZ:
Nah. I just miss being Evil sometimes.

JO:
Well, if I really wanted to raise havoc and doom, I’d fry every computer in the world. Simple, easy, crash of Western (and most of Eastern) civilization in about, oh, three days flat. Also, bloodless. I hate breaking nails if I don’t have to.

JEZ:
I like blood, but I hear you on the nails thing.

JO:
Gah, I’d better go make a new contingency plan in case some Fire Warden gets that bright idea …

JEZ:
Boys and girls, let’s give another round of applause to everyone’s favorite Weather Warden, the apple of Rachel Caine’s eye, the one and only Joanne Baldwin!

[APPLAUSE]

For lots more Jo, be sure to read the Weather Wardens series:

ILL WIND
HEAT STROKE
CHILL FACTOR
WINDFALL
FIRESTORM
THIN AIR

And remember: love your inner demon!

Smooches!