JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time once again for Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run completely by characters—at least, the only show that we know about, and that’s good enough for us! I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the producer of Cat and Muse, the ever-tragic Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
MMMPH.

JEZ:
[BLINKS]Excuse me?

MEL:
MMMPH!

JEZ:
Ah. someone’s been eating the peanut butter again without anything to wash it down, eh?

MEL:
[SIGHS]MMMPH.

JEZ:
That’s okay, sweetie. Talking with your mouth full is a huge no-no…in any situation.

MEL:
[CHUGS MILK]

JEZ:
Without further ado, let’s bring out today’s guest! He’s the star of Kelly McCullough’s CYBERMANCY, which Romantic Times awarded four stars, saying: “This is the second book in McCullough’s series that fuses hacking culture with ancient gods, and it’s every bit as charming, clever and readable as its predecessor. His writing style is easy, his character and his worldbuilding unique and engaging.” And VOYA lavishes praise upon praise: “McCullough combines tropes from cyberpunk, contemporary fantasy, and Greek myth with dazzling proficiency and great good humor, combining scenes that evoke a legitimate sense of wonder with witty repartee and just a touch of sexiness in a manner that recalls both Roger Zelazny’s Amber series and the earlier mythological romps of Thorne Smith. Although not for the prudish, this is a genuinely lovely book.”

And Hell knows, I’m a sucker for lovely books. Ladies and gentlemen, give a huge welcome to the star of CYBERMANCY…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Ravirn!

RAVIRN:
Howdy, all. Great to be here, Jezebel. Melpomene, good to see you someplace other than an Olympian party.

MEL:
[SPLUTTERS MILK]

JEZ:
I have to hear more about that after the show. So…hacking into Hell, computers, magic and Hades. My, my. I could have told you that Hell is not a place you want to hack. Ever. Tell me, what’s the worst thing about trying to break into the Underworld?

RAVIRN:
When the god of death hates you and wants to spend eternity tormenting you, then death becomes the proverbial fate worse than, well…death.

JEZ:
Ouch. Why does he hate you so much?

RAVIRN:
Let’s just say that he doesn’t like the way I took Persephone’s side over his. She’s gotten the ultimate raw deal, and that really burns my heart.

JEZ:
Aw, you’re a softie!

MEL:
DON’T SQUEEZE THE CHARMIN.

JEZ:
That’s okay. We love softies. Especially the gorgeous ones. Yum! Tell us something about you.

RAVIRN:
I’m young and hot and having the time of my life.

JEZ:
[SMILES]And you’re exceptionally modest.

RAVIRN:
And if I can just avoid the whole death or dismemberment thing, I’m potentially immortal.

JEZ:
What’s not to like?

RAVIRN:
Unfortunately, the avoidance part of the plan isn’t working quite as well as I might like.

JEZ:
Yeah, that seems to be par for the course in urban fantasy. Bad [BLEEP] happens to the protagonists in urban fantasy. It’s this unwritten rule. Bad [BLEEP] happens to you in CYBERMANCY, right?

RAVIRN:
[ROLLS EYES]Fate hates me.

JEZ:
Aw, poor sweetie. What did you ever do to it?

RAVIRN:
No really. Worse, it’s a family dispute.

JEZ:
[ARCHES EYEBROW]Do tell.

RAVIRN:
My great-grandmother is the Greek Fate who measures the threads, Lachesis.

JEZ:
Ouch. The Fates aren’t known for their sense of humor.

RAVIRN:
Oh, and I think one of the Furies has a crush on me.

JEZ:
[JAW DROPS]

RAVIRN:
Which could make for an odd situation when she’s ordered to literally crush me, as I’m quite certain she will be.

JEZ:
Ohhhh, honey. I so feel for you. I’m actually best friends with one of the Fates—well, I was, until this little thing happened. But that’s my story, not yours. Wow. It really sucks to be you. Here, a happy question: Which is better, sex or chocolate?

RAVIRN:
Sex WITH chocolate, of course.

JEZ:
[GRINS]Of course. Let’s talk sex for a moment. What’s your favorite position?

RAVIRN:
All I’m going to say is one word: Trapeze.

JEZ:
Ooh, nimble! Me like! So what’s your favorite fantasy?

RAVIRN:
You promise this won’t get back to Cerice?

JEZ:
[BLINKS INNOCENTLY]Who?

RAVIRN:
Well, you remember that Fury I mentioned earlier? Her name is Tisiphone and her element is flame.

JEZ:
I know her. Megaera’s told me lots about her over the years.

RAVIRN:
[SMILES WISTFULLY]Her hair is on fire…literally…all the time. Let’s just say it lends a whole new meaning to burning bush and leave it at that.

JEZ:
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

MEL:
SOME LIKE IT HOT.

JEZ:
So, in CYBERMANCY, were there any parts of the story where you were like, “Kelly, dude, what the Hell are you making me do?” Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

RAVIRN:
In my case it’s more like “Yo, McCullough, can we stop with the dumping crap on my head for a bit? How about an interlude with nymphs?” But, no, it’s never nymphs, it’s always Fates and Furies and Cerberus, dread guardian of the underworld, all the time. What’s up with that?

JEZ:
Bless, me, I know! These damn Creators think that they’re God or something. [GLARES MEANINGFULLY AT THE COMPUTER]

RAVIRN:
I’m a hacker, all I want to do is noodle around with Melchior—my webgoblin/laptop familiar—write code, and chill. Well, and maybe, you know, crack into the occasional defense system just to keep the skillz in tune.

JEZ:
[NODS]Good to have goals.

RAVIRN:
But it’s a never-ending parade of irritated divinities with McCullough.

JEZ:
So if you had your way, what would you change about CYBERMANCY?

RAVIRN:
Less death, more sex.

JEZ:
Aw. Can’t you have both?

RAVIRN:
[SHRUGS]I know the one adds flavor to other, but you don’t need to put the whole spice jar in every dish.

JEZ:
Fair enough. If you could make Kelly do anything, what would it be?

RAVIRN:
Ooh, sweet. [RUBS HANDS GLEEFULLY] I want to change jobs for a book. McCullough can come down here and play with the giant three-headed dogs and the goddess of discord for a while, and I can go mess around on the laptop and pet the cats in peace.

JEZ:
Heh. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

RAVIRN:
Bigger print runs and better sales all the way. I’m busting my butt out there, and I’d love it if more people could see that. Or is that too self-centered?

JEZ:
Sweetie, I’m a former demon. I live for being self-centered.

RAVIRN:
Can I try something else? World peace maybe?

JEZ:
If that’s how you want to go. But we’ve already got you on the record as self-centered. Right, Mel?

MEL:
I’M ALL EARS.

RAVIRN:
Oh well, it’s really McCullough’s problem. Let him handle the fallout for a change.

JEZ:
Let’s talk about the publishing world, since you brought it up. What would you change about that?

RAVIRN:
I’d love to kill the industry practice of stripping and returning books in no time flat. The whole thing was supposed to be a six-month promotional by one publisher, but it snowballed and then everyone was afraid to stop. Think how much more fun bookstores would be if they didn’t have all those titles constantly going out of print.

JEZ:
Hey Mel, take notes. We’ve got us a new angle to get some authors to sell their souls for…[COUGHS] Right, Mel, let’s discuss after the show. Ravirn, what’s your standard outfit?

RAVIRN:
Motorcycle leathers, the kind with a Kevlar lining. Sexy and bullet resistant, what’s not to love?

JEZ:
I love the whole sexy/dangerous look, but I prefer it if there’s more flesh showing. If CYBERMANCY goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

RAVIRN:
A younger Kurt Russell or Michael Douglas, if I could have anyone—someone who can play the action hero and the absurdity of the action hero simultaneously. John Cusack wouldn’t be bad, either.

JEZ:
What about Cerice?

RAVIRN:
I’d totally want Gwyneth Paltrow for Cerice.

JEZ:
And Melchior?

RAVIRN:
Melchior’s tough, with the shapechanging and the fact that he’s not human. He’d have to be CGI. I think Denis Leary would be a great voice for him; they’ve got a lot of the same attitude. Oh, and I just have to add that Eris, the Goddess of Discord, is clearly Angelina Jolie.

JEZ:
[STARES]Who told? Mel?

MEL:
[MIMES ZIPPING LIPS SHUT]

JEZ:
Well, she’s not really that subtle about it. No one believes that the do-gooder stuff is anything but an act. Finally, if you could be Evil for one day, how would you use your powers?

RAVIRN:
Who says I’m not evil? You’re tarnishing my cracking cred there.

JEZ:
You’re a cutie. And you’re funny and sexy as Hell. But you’re not Evil. Trust me. I have an innate sense for these things.

RAVIRN:
Okay, so yeah I’m as close to being a boy scout as any hacker is likely to get. I think I’d want the power to extend my run at being evil, first off. Have you ever noticed how it’s always the villains who get the great lines?

JEZ:
I’ve noticed.

RAVIRN:
More than that though…I really don’t know. I already do pretty much as I want in defiance of the rules. If I didn’t, Fate wouldn’t hate me. I guess I’m just not cut out to be an evil genius. Maybe there’s still a tiny bit of idealist down under all the sarcasm and cynicism? Nah.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS]He said cynically.

RAVIRN:
Thanks for the chance to hang out and gab. It’s been a whole lot more fun than my usual gig being chased by monsters and devils.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with devils.

RAVIRN:
Unfortunately, I have to get back to that. McCullough’s working on book four, MythOS.

JEZ:
Woot—blatant self-promotion!

RAVIRN:
Last I checked, the script called for me to go through one of those ominous doors—you know, the ones where the audience is screaming “Don’t do it, you idiot.” [SIGHS]

JEZ:
Good luck to you, sweetie. Avid Fans, give it up for Kelly McCullough’s code-cracking mage, the star of WEBMAGE and the new CYBERMANCY…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

You can get CYBERMANCY at Amazon, B&N, and fine bookstores near you. That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Coming on Friday: the wicked witch of the East — sorta! Meanwhile, be sure to Hit the ROAD for a chance to win an Apple iPod.

And remember: Love your inner demon.