JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to the first 2008 episode of Cat and Muse! I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the producer of Cat and Muse–the Muse of Tragedy, who’s doomed to speak only in cliches and pop-culture references…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Happy New Year!

MEL:
RING OUT THE OLD, RING IN THE NEW,
RING, HAPPY BELLS, ACROSS THE SNOW:
THE YEAR IS GOING, LET HIM GO;
RING OUT THE FALSE, RING IN THE TRUE.

JEZ:
A quote from Tennyson! Now I know we’re kicking off 2008 properly. Remember, kids: Cat and Muse is entertaining AND educational.

Speaking of entertaining, according to CNN, a 25-year-old law school student and former beauty pageant contestant, who has the good taste of posing for a, quote, racy calendar, unquote, has been accused of…hang on, here’s the direct quote: “holding and torturing her 24-year-old ex-boyfriend in early December with the help of three other men, including another man she had previously dated.” The real crime here? Apparently, in the so-called racy calendar, she wore a shiny black bikini while holding weapons.

Shiny black? Hello? Can you say so 2007? [SHAKES HEAD SADLY]

MEL:
FASHION VICTIM.

JEZ:
Well, if you have to be a victim at all, that’s the one to be. Let’s move on.

Before we get into the interview, first up: housekeeping. Jackie finally got off her duff and updated her website. Seriously. I’m not just saying this because she pays me. The home page, the books page, the temptations page…all updated. New books and appearances get plugged. Check out what Jackie Kessler and Kim Harrison have in common. You know you want to.

And now…la interview. Mel, give us one about salt.

MEL:
BACK TO THE SALT MINES.

JEZ:
Ooh, appropriate! Our next guest on Cat and Muse knows all about the salt mines—specifically, about one particular salt cavern in a Texas town aptly named Devil’s Claw. Sounds like my sort of place! She’s the heroine of THE SALT MAIDEN, which Crime Spree Magazine calls a “fast-moving, page-turning romantic suspense story.” In its Top Pick review, Romantic Times praised the “poetic use of language, intricate plotting and a wealth of fascinating details” and called the book “a masterful work of suspense.”

Boys and girls, give a hell of a welcome to the star of Colleen Thompson’s THE SALT MAIDEN…Dana Vanover!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Dana!

DANA:
Hey, Jez. Good to see you. Thanks for inviting me to talk about the time I spent in the closest thing to Hell on Earth.

JEZ:
You were in Brooklyn?

DANA:
[GRINS] I mean the scorcher of a West Texas desert.

JEZ:
Heh. I was close. Before we start, I gotta say that I’m eying your shorts and tee shirt with extreme envy, because where I’m stuck working, it’s [BLEEP] cold. Not so much for you?

DANA:
Baby, it’s hot out in the West Texas desert in August.

JEZ:
Mental note: Move to Texas. So, Dana, tell us about the book.

DANA:
THE SALT MAIDEN is the story of my quest to save my missing perpetual screw-up of a sister in one of the most desolate corners of the country.

JEZ:
I understand a cavern plays an important role in the story…

DANA:
[NODS] A nude, mummified woman is interred in it. That certainly doesn’t bode well for my sister!

JEZ:
Nope. I take it you guys are close.

DANA:
[FIDGETS]

JEZ:
Not so much?

DANA:
It’s ridiculous that I’m out here risking my neck for a sister who’s done nothing but cursed me and run off from rehab each time I’ve rescued her before.

JEZ:
Ah. So you’re rescuing her again…why?

DANA:
If it weren’t for her bone marrow, she could rot out there for all I…

JEZ:
Go on…!

DANA:
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH] Okay, so maybe I’m a soft touch after all.

JEZ:
Heh. Bone marrow, huh? Either you’re a stickler for a mean recipe, or someone needs a transplant…Dying kid involved somehow?

DANA:
[NODS] Every second’s critical, so I can’t let anything stop me—from rattlesnakes to small town hostility, to the sheriff determined to run me out of town.

JEZ:
Nothing like a little pressure. I take it this wasn’t exactly good times for you.

DANA:
If having an extremely hacked-off rattlesnake locked in my car wasn’t bad enough, some crazy person’s shooting at me in the desert.

JEZ:
Yikes. Was there anything good about what happens? Or is it all snakes and snipers?

DANA:
Did I mention that sheriff, Jay Eversole?

JEZ:
Yep…

DANA:
If he wants me gone so badly, why is it we can’t keep out hands off of each other?

JEZ:
Ooh! Forbidden nookie!

MEL:
YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT.

DANA:
This is seriously nuts, even crazier than coming out to this hell-pit in the first place. No offense.

JEZ:
None taken. Okay, spill. You and Jay. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

DANA:
On the table top, you mean? [BLUSHES]

JEZ:
Woot!

DANA:
This is so not a good idea.

JEZ:
Aw. Okay, let’s back up a bit. What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

DANA:
A clean bed and a strong shower.

JEZ:
You don’t get down and dirty, eh?

DANA:
I love friction as much as any woman, but this grit on my skin has got to go.

JEZ:
Gotcha. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

DANA:
Still researching.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

DANA:
I’ll get back to you on that.

JEZ:
You bet. So, in THE SALT MAIDEN, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Colleen, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

DANA:
Um, in sync? You’ve got to be kidding.

JEZ:
Nope. I hear there are some protagonists out there who actually work well with their Creators. I have yet to meet one, though…

DANA:
I might be an animal lover—I’m a vegetarian veterinarian, for heaven’s sake—but having to deal with rattlesnakes, bats, scorpions, and plague-bearing rats all in the same book? [SHUDDERS] That’s a lot of creepy-crawlies.

JEZ:
Yeah, but it’s just atmospheric. And there’s not as bad as, say, a church full of True Believers hallelujahing you to death…

MEL:
DIFFERENT STROKES.

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Right. Moving on. So, if you had your way, what would you change about THE SALT MAIDEN?

DANA:
I suffered a tremendous loss in this book.

JEZ:
Do tell!

DANA:
I can’t talk about it yet, but after all I went through, it still seems pretty unfair.

JEZ:
Sorry to hear that. Dear Creators can be such [BLEEP]. If you could make Colleen do anything, what would it be?

DANA:
Install better showers and some good, fresh water in Devil’s Claw, Texas. Please, for everyone’s sake.

JEZ:
If THE SALT MAIDEN goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

DANA:
I was thinking Charlize Theron or maybe Hillary Swank for me.

JEZ:
What about Jay Eversole, the sexy hero?

DANA:
Josh Brolin might be a good choice.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be Evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy Evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

DANA:
I would do some serious smiting of people who torment animals and defenseless humans.

JEZ:
Good to hear that humans who can defend themselves are still targets! Avid Fans, let’s hear it for the star of Colleen Thompson’s THE SALT MAIDEN…Dana Vanover!

[APPLAUSE]

[This isn’t Dana, but it is her Dear Creator, Colleen Thompson.]

You can purchase THE SALT MAIDEN at Amazon, B&N, and fine stores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Happy 2008, everyone! And remember—love your inner demon.