JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to the next episode of Cat and Muse! I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Now, as dedicated Cat and Muse fans, you know that Mel here is stuck speaking only in cliches and pop-culture references. So it should come as no surprise that she has a thing for quotes. You’d think, after thousands of years of existence, she’d come up with her own material.

MEL:
HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYBODY, BUT WHY TAKE A CHANCE?

JEZ:
Thank you, Edgar Bergen. So anyway, Mel has a little quiz for you boys and girls. She’s given me a quote to read to you. All you have to do is guess who said it. Multiple choice, so worst-case scenario, just pick C. Ready? Here we go:

“I just want, want C.J. to know that the whole thing all the time he was tellin’ me that [BLEEP], ya know. I hope he was telling me the truth. Don’t be trying to change the mother [BLEEPING] [BLEEP] now, mother [BLEEPING] [BLEEP] holes. I’m tired of this [BLEEP]. Fed up with the mother [BLEEPERS] changing what they told me.”

There’s the quote. So…who said it?

A) Samuel L. Jackson, in an outtake from SNAKES ON A PLANE.

B) Joe Pesci, when auditioning for GOOD FELLAS.

C) OJ Simpson, in a voicemail to his co-defendant Clarence Stewart.

D) Martin Sheen, to Allison Janney, in a now-lost scene from THE WEST WING.

Okay, kids. Which is it? Mel, cue the Jeopardy theme.

MEL:
DO DE DO DO, DO DE DO, DO DE DO DE DO, DA DA DA DA DA, DO DE DO DO, DO DE DO, DO, DA DO DO DO, DO DO, BA DAH.

JEZ:
Thanks, Mel. If you ever decide to branch out, you may want to consider a job in special effects.

For those of you who picked C, OJ Simpson…congratulations! You’re right! And hey, according to the CNN transcript that I blatantly copied here, “bleep” is a noun, and adjective, and a verb! It’s almost as versatile as the word that rhymes with “truck”! It’s the world’s best-kept secret!

Transition! The next guest on Cat and Muse knows a little something about keeping secrets. Locus calls SHADOWBRIDGE “a tough-minded novel that confronts some disturbing issues, and that is remarkably efficient in the telling” and says that “[Greg] Frost could be on his way toward a masterpiece.” And Publishers Weekly says, “Frost draws richly detailed human characters and embellishes his multilayered stories with intriguing creatures—benevolent sea dragons, trickster foxes, death-eating snakes and capricious gods—that make this fantasy a sparkling gem of mythic invention and wonder.”

Anyone that deals with death-eating snakes is all right in my book. Avid Fans, say hello to the star of Gregory Frost’s new novel, SHADOWBRIDGE…Leodora!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Leodora!

LEODORA:
Heya. Thanks for inviting me in, although I have to tell you, the snake didn’t accompany me here today.

JEZ:
Heh, that’s OK. So I understand you’re something of a storyteller.

LEO:
I don’t want to brag, but just because I’m sixteen doesn’t mean I’m not really, incredibly good. My father was Bardsham, who was so great a storyteller that he’s become a myth all of his own.

JEZ:
I’m guessing that your sense of modesty also runs in the family.

LEO:
I wish I knew, to tell you the truth. All I have is, well, stories. How ironic is that? Soter, who traveled with my father and who taught me his craft, might try to convince you I’m not the best. But he’s such a curmudgeon. You can’t trust anything he tells you.

JEZ:
Yeah, people like that have no sense of humor. Go ahead, tell me the story of Shadowbridge.

LEO:
Shadowbridge, the world, is dreamt into being by the unseen gods of Edgeworld. It comprises a globe covered in great spiraling bridges upon the oceans—huge spans on each of them full of buildings and towers and people. All kinds of people and they all seem slightly like people out of stories, you feel as if you’ve met them before, or some flavor of ’em. And each span has a different flavor, too, a different blend of cultures, myths, legends.It’s like having a million melting pots and each is a different swirl. All the original stories have transmuted. Since I hunt for stories everywhere I go, I’m keenly aware of this, but at the same time I’m not sure which were the originals and which are the transmuted ones.

JEZ:
That’s beautiful. Sounds like you’ve got a pretty sweet gig—wandering around, telling stories. What could be bad about that?

LEO:
Word of my performances reaches the Lord of Chaos on his span on the far side of Shadowbridge.

JEZ:
Note to our viewers: avoid incurring the wrath of anyone who’s powerful enough to dub himself the “Lord of Chaos” and actually get away with it.

LEO:
[NARROWS EYES] Yeah. He had something to do with the disappearance of my parents when I was two (although Soter refuses to tell me what), and he sends these awful agents of his to hunt me down, to stop me from telling stories. He thinks I’m Bardsham, my father.

JEZ:
Sounds like a real [BLEEP].

LEO:
Really. All I wanted to do is tell stories. It never occurred to me that telling stories might be dangerous.

JEZ:
So was becoming a shadow-puppeteer worth it?

LEO:
I got to leave the island of Bouyan behind. It was a horrid place, and my uncle was…

JEZ:
What? What?

LEO:
[SHUDDERS] Well, he wasn’t very nice. He had plans for me…I don’t think I want to talk about that anymore.

JEZ:
Gotcha. So, now it’s all good times? Minus avoiding the denizens of the Lord of Chaos, that is…

LEO:
[NODS] I get to travel the whole world, and meet all kinds of creatures. I even meet a demigod way upon top of a tower, and on another span, called Hyakiyako, I meet a kitsune and about every kind of monster imaginable.

JEZ:
See, that’s a difference between you and me. My definition of “a good time” has nothing to do with demigods and monsters.

MEL:
THE POT IS CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.

JEZ:
What? Come on, sweetie. You know I don’t mean you. You’re not a demigod. You’re a muse. A tragic one, at that.

LEO:
[COUGHS POLITELY] If Melpomene ever wants to shed her worn cothurni, I could probably sew her a pair of very comfortable boots instead.

JEZ:
Aw, that’s sweet! Hear that, Mel?

MEL:
THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING.

JEZ:
Can’t help but notice you’re wearing a domino mask and a gray hood. Is this an EYES WIDE SHUT shout out, or something else?

LEO:
A lot of places where I perform, women still aren’t allowed to be performers. I’m sure Melpomene appreciates the absurdity that muses of tragedy and comedy are female, while women are kept from performing. Anyway, a lot of the time I’ve had to disguise myself. I had to bind up my breasts as well, you know, to appear to be male when I’m wandering about.

JEZ:
Ick.

LEO:
Doing that gave me a rash.

JEZ:
Double ick.

LEO:
It’s the most ridiculous thing. When I’m inside the booth with my shadowpuppets, nobody knows if I’m male or female, and nobody cares, really. They just love watching the puppets and hearing the stories I have. The monsters didn’t care that I was a girl. It’s so unfair and absurd that humans do.

JEZ:
The only time monsters give a fig about whether someone’s a male or female is when they’re planning their meals. Got to get the right meat for the right recipe. Um, so I’ve been told. Switching gears now. What’s better: sex or chocolate?

LEO:
I know a story about a woman named Sandari, who fashioned a lover out of chocolate.

JEZ:
Mel, take notes!

LEO:
He gave her wonderful, sweet kisses, and she could lick any part of him and be carried to ecstasy.

JEZ:
Ooh!

LEO:
But she could only make love with him at night because in the light of day he would melt.

JEZ:
Some guys just have no stamina…

LEO:
She became addicted to him, and soon their sex was lasting all through the night. And then one night she was so exhausted that she fell asleep on top of him. When she woke up, she was drenched in chocolate from head to foot. It was like an orgasm that went on and on and on, until finally someone found her crawling about, licking the floor. She’d drunk up every bit of him and the power of having him inside and out that way had driven her mad.

JEZ:
[CLAPS] Love it! Did you make that up?

LEO:
It’s a popular puppet story on the span of Colemaigne. But then, they live in houses encased in sugar. Their favorite character is probably Meersh, the trickster. He holds conversations with his penis. It’s always getting him into trouble. Just like real life.

JEZ:
[GIGGLES] Well now, since you mentioned orgasms…Do you have any special chocolate in your life?

LEO:
I can’t…I mean, there’s this musician we picked up—well, I picked him up.

JEZ:
That’s why bars were invented, sweetie.

LEO:
He’s called Diverus, but he doesn’t know what his real name is.

JEZ:
Hate when that happens.

LEO:
I found him in a paidika on the span of Vijnagar. It was a club that thrived under the span, where boys were rented by the customers. These creatures called afrits turned the boys’ souls into vapor, and the customers smoked it through hookahs.

JEZ:
Now that’s creepy. I like it.

LEO:
It took the boys a long time to be used up. It would have happened to Diverus if I hadn’t gotten him out of there.

JEZ:
So is this Diverus your honey, or is there someone else?

LEO:
I don’t know. There was a boy on Bouyan who claimed he loved me, but really he only loved me provided I conformed to the rules his village and my uncle laid down.

JEZ:
I know the type.

LEO:
But Diverus is different. He’s tender, and I think he’s falling in love with me.

JEZ:
Awwww!

LEO:
I just don’t know how I feel about him, not yet. You see, in the inverted world of Epama Epam, there was a pool that stripped you of all your doubts and inhibitions, and I watched Diverus enter it, and when he looked at me, I knew, his expression was so naked. He was naked, too, so it wasn’t just his eyes that told me how he felt.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

LEO:
But I never swam in the pool.

JEZ:
So, in SHADOWBRIDGE, were there any parts of the story where you were like, “Greg, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do?” Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

LEO:
Oh, there was the business on the island, where he had me ride a sea dragon naked, which was pretty much the worst thing I could do where the villagers were concerned.

JEZ:
They had you arrested for public indecency?

LEO:
They wanted my head. And my uncle was going to give it to them too.

JEZ:
He sounds like a prince among men.

LEO:
At the time, I was sure my Creator was trying to kill me. But looking back on it, if that sea dragon hadn’t shown up, I would probably never have gotten off Bouyan at all. I still don’t know if he did that, or if the dragon came from the gods of Edgeworld. I’m not entirely clear on his relationship to them. No one on Shadowbridge has ever seen them, so maybe he’s in their employ, too. Or maybe he’s one of them.

JEZ:
That’s all our Dear Creators need: a god complex. Ugh. If you had your way, what would you change about SHADOWBRIDGE?

LEO:
I’d certainly have gotten rid of Chaos. My life would have gone along nicely if it hadn’t been for him.

MEL:
THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER.

JEZ:
Yeah, but that which does kill you makes you dead. If you could make Greg do anything, what would it be?

LEO:
I would appreciate it if he would decide what happens to me after this duology of his comes to an end. I think I finally find love, but he’s one of those damnable authors who’s big on ambiguity.

JEZ:
Ugh, I hate those types!

LEO:
He thinks for some reason that the readers should figure out some things on their own. Fine, but how about the characters, hmm? Are we supposed to figure out our own futures? It’s a lot to ask of us, I think.

JEZ:
It’s all so very ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD, isn’t it?

LEO:
Everything’s “heads.”

JEZ:
Exactly.

LEO:
It’s like talking to one of the Edgeworld gods. You never get a satisfactory answer. They’re always keeping something back. They’ll promise to tell you something important, then leave off just before telling you what you need in order to understand what they’re telling you.

JEZ:
That’s the nature of gods, sweetie. And, apparently, of authors. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN.] If SHADOWBRIDGE goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

LEO:
My inclination would be to say that it would take an artisan like Hayao Miyazaki to make a film of SHADOWBRIDGE. Then again, after sitting through 300, I can see that perhaps there is technology now that could portray the world after all.

JEZ:
Dandy. But who should be cast as Leodora?

LEO:
I’ve no idea who should play me. We never know ourselves best, do we? But I would like to see that boy who played Harry Potter as Diverus. He was really buff in the last film I saw.

JEZ:
Heh. You should see his stage work.

LEO:
Of course, I would love it to be Johnny Depp, but he’s too old for that part now.

JEZ:
Not if he makes the right deal with the right demon… [COUGHS] Just sayin’…

LEO:
Peter O’Toole would make a wonderful Soter, I think. The Coral Man could be played by…a big piece of coral, so that doesn’t help, does it?

JEZ:
Heh. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

LEO:
I would probably want the power to destroy that damned paidika where I found Diverus. But that’s also probably not the sort of evil you’re looking for.

JEZ:
I take all kinds.

LEO:
The trouble is, I know too many stories about people who decide to be evil, and it never turns out well for them in the end.

JEZ:
True. Sort of a “Be good or else” morale there, eh?

Avid Fans, give a hot round of applause for the star of Greg Frost’s latest novel, SHADOWBRIDGE…Leodora!

[APPLAUSE]

LEO:
Thanks.

JEZ:
You can purchase SHADOWBRIDGE at Amazon, B&N, Booksense, and fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this week’s episode! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.