JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time once again for Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that I know of) run by and about author characters! I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel. With me here in the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak only in cliches and pop-culture references…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Hey, check out your Captain Jean-Luc Picard action figure. I take it you’re going to see Patrick Stewart in MACBETH?

MEL:
MAKE IT SO.

JEZ:
Fabulous. I mean, you can’t go wrong when you get a critic from The Daily Telegraph insisting: “So charismatic is Stewart as an actor that he can make the simple act of preparing a ham sandwich one of the scariest things you’ve ever seen.” Enjoy!

MEL:
[DOES VULCAN SALUTE]

JEZ:
Next up on Cat and Muse is someone who appreciates good music, even if she plays for the wrong team. No, not like that, people. She’s the heroine of Karen Neches’ novel, EARTHLY PLEASURES, a Booksense Notable for February. Publishers Weekly says the book is “appealingly unorthodox,” which sounds like a ringing endorsement to me! Neches writes about “a heaven where angels lust, drink and follow terrestrial celebrity gossip.” Bless me, if Heaven really were like that, I’d play for the other team too!

MEL:
TALK IS CHEAP.

JEZ:
What? In my world, Heaven’s nothing like that. Neches’ Heaven sounds like Studio 54. You know I’d be all over that, hellish tendencies notwithstanding.

Avid Fans, give a hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Karen Neches’ Earthly Pleasures…Skye Sebring!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Skye!

SKYE:
Hello, I’m very excited to meet my first succubus.

JEZ:
So you’re an angel, huh?

SKYE:
[NODS] A greeter in Heaven.

JEZ:
You know, all the hype says that you guys are supposed to be in togas. And yet, I can’t help but notice that you’re more fashionable than Carrie Bradshaw.

SKYE:
I’m a clotheshorse, because I can order whatever I want via my Wishberry.

JEZ:
That’s pretty sweet.

SKYE:
Since it’s Heaven, I dig dresses that are swishy and gossamer-like.

JEZ:
Yeah, I dig those too, but for when I’m on stage stripping for a roomful of lusty, beer-chugging, eye-candy-gorging men. But you probably can’t relate to that.

SKYE:
[SMILES] Heaven is filled with lusty, wine-swilling, chocolate-gorging angels.

JEZ:
Okay, so maybe you can. Wait a second. Chocolate gorging? Really?

SKYE:
[NODS]

JEZ:
Bless me, your Heaven sounds positively yummy…

SKYE:
Honey, Heaven is suspiciously like Disney World.

JEZ:
[TO THE CAMERA] This would be the perfect spot for an Annette Funicello joke.

SKYE:
And God looks and talks just like Bette Midler.

JEZ:
Really putting the “divine” in The Divine Miss M, huh?

MEL:
WORKING MY WAY TOWARD DIVINITY.

JEZ:
So I hear that you’re into music.

SKYE:
I’m required to attend Earth 101 classes, which teach all of the world’s greatest philosophies through five Beatles songs.

JEZ:
See, if it were up to me, it would be the Rolling Stones, because you can’t always get what you want. Speaking of which, what’s the worst thing about your situation in Earthly Pleasures?

SKYE:
I’m in love with an Earthling who is married to a terrible, witchy woman.

JEZ:
Ooh, tell more! Who’s your honey on the mortal coil?

SKYE:
Ryan Blaine, an ex-president’s son.

JEZ:
I love the name “Ryan.”

SKYE:
He’s my flavor of choice. He had a near-death experience and landed in my cubicle. Now I can’t get him off my mind and spy on him via the channel Earthly Pleasures.

JEZ:
Voyeurism! Sweet! So what’s your favorite position with him?

SKYE:
[PRIMLY] We don’t have sex because he’s an Earthling, and I live in Heaven.

JEZ:
Sweetie, haven’t you heard of long-distance relationships?

SKYE:
And he’s married, as I mentioned earlier.

JEZ:
Married, but not dead. (You did say “near-death experience,” right?)

SKYE:
And I already have a boyfriend named Brock.

JEZ:
So you’re all look-but-no-touch? Gah! Heaven sounds eternally frustrating.

SKYE:
Although I adore Heaven, and I like my boyfriend—who is perfect, since it’s Heaven—I’m looking for a grittier…dare I say, “earthier,” experience.

JEZ:
Really?

SKYE:
[WINKS] A little rough and tumble with Ryan would be right up my alley. I’ll leave my halo at home.

JEZ:
Bless me, there’s hope for you yet! Which is better: sex or chocolate?

SKYE:
Sex while eating chocolate.

JEZ:
Perfect! So, in Earthly Pleasures, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Karen, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

SKYE:
At first, she made me kind of uptight, like Reese Witherspoon in Election.

JEZ:
Yikes.

MEL:
THE WEAK ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO SABOTAGE THE STRONG.

SKYE:
I had to set her straight. I’m more easy and loose limbed. Think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

JEZ:
My money will always be on the hooker with a heart of gold. If you had your way, what would you change about Earthly Pleasures?

SKYE:
I think a few more chocolate-eating scenes would have really fleshed it out.

JEZ:
[GIGGLES] Chocolate goes well with everything. If you could make Karen do anything, what would it be?

SKYE:
I would make her write a few more sex scenes. I’m practically celibate in this book, which isn’t my style. I live in Heaven, ya know, not Hell.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

MEL:
SWEET SIXTEEN AND NEVER BEEN KISSED.

JEZ:
If Earthly Pleasures goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

SKYE:
Kate Hudson would play me, because she has a sunny, angelic look.

JEZ:
What about Ryan?

SKYE:
Matthew McConaughey, because he’s so good with Kate, and Ryan can be cocky at times.

JEZ:
No pun intended, of course. Last question: If you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

SKYE:
As a Heaven dweller, I’m not much into evil. In fact, evil can’t exist there. It just sputters out like a dud firecracker.

JEZ:
And that’s why you’ll never catch me dead in Heaven. But I have to say, with a Heaven like yours, it definitely gives Hell a bad name.

Avid Fans, once again give a hotter than hot round of applause to the shining star of Karen Neches’ novel EARTHLY PLEASURES, the devilishly angelic Skye Sebring!

[No, this isn’t Skye, but it is her Dear Creator, Karen Neches.]

[APPLAUSE]

You can get Earthly Pleasures at Amazon, B&N, Booksense, and starting in February, at fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, no matter what some Heaven dwellers may have to say about it…love your inner demon.