JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! It’s time once again for Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that I know of) that’s run by and about fictional characters! I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak only in cliches and pop-culture references. Say hello to the producer of Cat and Muse…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Hey…what’s that in your hands?

MEL:
[HIDES SOMETHING BEHIND HER BACK] NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE.

JEZ:
No way, I saw that. You were busy staring at a cover flat for Daun’s book, weren’t you?

MEL:
NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG.

JEZ:
Oh, girl. You’re still hung up over Daun?

MEL:
I HEAR YOU KNOCKING BUT YOU CAN’T COME IN.

JEZ:
Sweetie, we really should talk about this later. You know that incubi aren’t the most stable of significant others, I hope.

MEL:
HE’S DEAD TO ME.

JEZ:
All righty. On that note, let’s move right into our interview for today. He’s the star of Anton Strout’s debut novel, DEAD TO ME. Bestselling author Charlaine Harris says that this reformed thief and current psychometrist is “by turns despondent over his luck with the ladies (not always living) and his struggle with the hierarchy of his mysterious department (not always truthful)” and that following his adventures “is like being the pinball in an especially antic game, but it’s well worth the wear and tear.” Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot round of applause to…Simon Canderous!

[APPLAUSE]

(Bless me, doesn’t he look like Jerry O’Connell? Yum…)

JEZ:
Heya, Simon!

SIMON:
You don’t mind if I stand over here, do you?

JEZ:
Why? Do I smell? I know I showered…it’s the deodorant, isn’t it? I knew I should have stuck with the antiperspirant, but this one brand looked so cute and sparkly…

SIMON:
[PULLS OUT PAMPHELET WITH “DEPT. OF EXTRAORDINARY AFFAIRS” LOGO] I’m not really sure I’m supposed to be talking to your kind… [FLIPS THROUGH PAMPHLET] …whatever kind that is…

JEZ:
[ARCHES BROW] Former kind, sweetie. I’m human now.

MEL:
THE POT CALLS THE KETTLE BLACK.

SIMON:
Ahh. [FOLDS PAMPHLET, SLIPS IT IN POCKET] Right. Sorry.

JEZ:
In DEAD TO ME, you have to deal with dead girls, homicidal bookcases, red tape back at the Department and just other generally spooky things in Manhattan. My, my. Did I forget anything?

SIMON:
Cultists crushing on me.

JEZ:
Ooh! And I can see why. You look quite yummy in your brown suede half trench.

SIMON:
[SHRUGS] It hides the retractable bat hanging on my belt.

JEZ:
Mmm. It hides something else hanging from your belt.

MEL:
[ROLLS EYES] HIDES THE SALAMI?

JEZ:
Oh, lighten up, Muse. I’m just playing. So, Simon…Jeans and Doc Martens. Nice. Anything else listeners should know about your fashion sense? What’s your favorite shirt?

SIMON:
My Ramones “Gabba Gabba Hey!” t-shirt, but it’s kinda of covered in ectoplasm of some sort right now.

JEZ:
Heh. Hate when that happens.

SIMON:
And the ‘y’ fell off it.

JEZ:
All righty, back to the cultists crushing on you…

SIMON:
[RAISES ONE FINGER] A crushing cultist temp.

JEZ:
Temp?

SIMON:
I do work in Other Division for the Department of Extraordinary Affairs, you know.

JEZ:
Ah. Workplace harassment. Yummy!

SIMON:
Well, I don’t really tongue kiss with evil, so I wouldn’t know…

JEZ:
Oh, sweetie, that sounds like a proposition to me…

SIMON:
[SIGHS] I haven’t gotten laid in forever, thanks to my inability to control my psychometry.

JEZ:
Forever? Poor Simon. Do tell!

SIMON:
Here’s a good example. I’ve been chatting up this girl for weeks, and I finally get her back to my place.

JEZ:
Weeks? Sweetie, you really must be out of practice…

SIMON:
Things are going amazingly well, and next thing I know, we’ve worked our way back to my bedroom.

JEZ:
That’s more like it!

MEL:
[TURNS ON BARRY WHITE’S “CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE”]

SIMON:
All systems are go, you know? Then as she’s shimmying out of her jacket, her cell phone drops out and touches my skin before I can move. Next thing I know, I’m trapped in a psychometric vision of her doing this guy she met at Mardi Gras, only I experience all the sensations in this vision. After that, the troops kind of retreated and as I’m lying there kinda hypoglycemic after it.

JEZ:
[TO THE CAMERA] Ladies, this is why you should be careful when you accessorize. Cell phones are a big turn off.

SIMON:
She hears me mumbling about details only she could know and storms out thinking I’ve been going through her diary.

MEL:
[TURNS OFF MUSIC]

SIMON:
It’s the only explanation that made any real sense to a normal woman like her.

JEZ:
Sweetie, it’s obvious that you need a woman who’s not boring. Um, normal. And that doesn’t mean “cultist,” either.

SIMON:
[FROWNS] It wasn’t Tamara’s fault that my power triggered and all I could do was watch her get it on at Mardi Gras with some guy who wasn’t me.

JEZ:
Come on. I think your ability is a real gift. Reliving sexscapades that aren’t yours? That sounds like oodles of fun.

SIMON:
[SIGHS] Well, after twenty four years of growing up with this “gift” I have, I think just being able to touch a woman without triggering off her entire sexual history might be nice.

JEZ:
Okay, so it’s clear you’re the gentle sort. Maybe into Hallmark cards and big hugs. Tell us: what turns you on?

SIMON:
[WAGGLES EYEBROWS] Maybe a little bride of Dracula/ Van Helsing action, if you know what I mean…

JEZ:
Ooh, I do so love me the murderous types…So, no nookie for you. Poor Simon. Anything else that’s on the “Sucks to Be You” list?

SIMON:
[NODS] Top of my list right now would have to be the fact that I’ve a got a dead woman curled up and hovering over the bed in my guest room.

JEZ:
Ghosts. [SHUDDERS] It had to be ghosts.

MEL:
[TURNS ON THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS’ “UNCHAINED MELODY”]

JEZ:
Aw, you’re a sweetie, Mel. Simon, anything good about being you?

SIMON:
If you look around my apartment down in SoHo, it’s my one guilty pleasure. A lot of the stuff here are antiques and old heist scores I used the psychometry on before I kinda gave up the sketchy life…

JEZ:
See, that’s the problem, sweetie, right there. You gave up the good stuff! Evil stuff. You know what I mean. Now you’re all governmenty. Maybe you should go into business for yourself. Speaking of which…Ghostbusters: Documentary, or just a Bill Murray paranormal comedy?

SIMON:
They couldn’t prove that that business with Gozer and Viggo happened! And we never would have leant out Tobin’s Spirit Guide to Venkmann or Egon…

JEZ:
Mel, take notes.

SIMON:
Perhaps I’ve said too much. Can I change my answer?

JEZ:
Sure.

SIMON:
I’d like to go with either “No comment” or “That’s classified.”

JEZ:
No problem, sweetie. Just keep on speaking into the microphone. What’s your favorite nookie position? When you had nookie, that is? I’m guessing you’re an “on top” sorta fella…

SIMON:
It’s not so much “on top” as in “through.”

JEZ:
Ouch! You stud, you!

SIMON:
This one woman I like, the non-cultist one—

JEZ:
Name, please?

SIMON:
Irene.

JEZ:
[NODS] Irene. Continue.

SIMON:
She’s kinda immaterial these days.

JEZ:
I take it you don’t mean in the “not into 1980s Madonna” sort of way?

SIMON:
[SHAKES HEAD]

JEZ:
Ghosts. Why’d it have to be ghosts?

MEL:
[TURNS OFF MUSIC]

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

SIMON:
Why do you keep bringing sex up, lady?

JEZ:
[SHRUGS] Former succubus. Can’t help it.

SIMON:
Are you trying to give me more of a complex than I already have?

JEZ:
Former demon. Can’t help it. If you had your way, what would you change about DEAD TO ME?

SIMON:
I would really have liked the first night to have worked out.

JEZ:
Tamara, right? The chick from Mardi Gras?

SIMON:
[NODS] Actually having gotten lucky that first night would have been nice.

JEZ:
Poor frustrated Simon! Sounds like your Dear Creator really had a mad on for pissing you off. If you could make Anton do anything, what would it be?

SIMON:
I’d like to have a few minutes of alone time with him, and “discuss” just what the hell was going on with all the zombies and that goddamned carnivorous bookcase…

JEZ:
Heh. And here they say reading is good for you.

MEL:
BOOKS YOU CAN SINK YOUR TEETH INTO.

JEZ:
Or in this case, the other way around. Simon, tell us more about your Dear Creator.

SIMON:
Well, that Anton guy has been a little antsy in the month leading up to publication.

JEZ:
I hear you. My own Dear Creator gets positively [BLEEP] before her books come out. [GLARES AT COMPUTER MONITOR]

SIMON:
I wish there was a way to cryogenically freeze those authors and put them in stasis until their book is actually on the shelves…

JEZ:
Or until it’s time to pay the credit card bills…

SIMON:
You know what? Lemme go talk to the R&D Department to see if they’ve got anything like that in the works…

JEZ:
Sweet! Get back to me on that. If DEAD TO ME goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

SIMON:
Well, now that I’ve seen myself on the cover there, it looks like Jerry O’Connell would play me!

JEZ:
Very nice. What about Irene? Or, heck, any of the women—dead or not so much—in DEAD TO ME?

SIMON:
They could totally cast his girlfriend, Rebecca Romain. I’ve always wondered what she’d be like in bed…

JEZ:
You know that succubi can change their appearance to look like anyone you want, don’t you?

SIMON:
I’ve got enough troubles between the ex, the ghost and the cultist right now, but thanks. Besides, I learned my lesson from watching Wolverine with Mystique in X-Men 2…

JEZ:
Totally giving shapeshifters a bad name. Last question: if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

SIMON:
[CHECKS PAMPHLET] I’m really not at liberty to discuss evil, except in my capacity for fighting it.

JEZ:
[SIGHS] Sweetie, pretend. It’s really not that difficult.

SIMON:
I used to use my powers for evil, but jail time started to look a little close for comfort, so I joined up with the good guys.

MEL:
CHANGED HIS EVIL WAYS.

JEZ:
Aw. Spoilsport.

SIMON:
[LEANS IN] But you can make a lot of money off flea markets and antique stores when you can read the history of most objects you come in contact with. It’s when you start casing the museums that it’s time to admit you might have a problem…

JEZ:
[GRINS] Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

Avid Fans, give another round of applause for the hero of Anton Strout’s debut novel DEAD TO ME…Simon Canderous!

[APPLAUSE]

You can buy copies of DEAD TO ME at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Mysterious Galaxy, and other fine bookstores near you! DEAD TO ME, on sale starting tomorrow, February 26, 2008!

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Stay tuned later this week for another interview…this one with a zombie queen. Well, a deadutante, at any rate. Until then, be good. Better yet, be evil. And remember: love your inner demon.