JEZEBEL:
Heya, boys and girls! Welcome to another edition of Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run by fictional characters (that we know of). I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel. With me today, as usual, is the Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak only in cliches and pop-culture references. Say hello to the ever tragic, ever tawdry…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Normally, we’d have a little banter now. But we have a longer than usual interview coming up, so I’m just going to launch into it.

MEL:
[SHRUGS] NO SKIN OFF MY BACK.

JEZ:
Next up on Cat and Muse is a heroine of mine. Well, not mine, per se. She’s the heroine of Mark Henry, whose debut novel HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED just hit the shelves. But believe me when I say that if I could be anyone when I grow up, it would be her.

And I’m not the only one who adores this adorable package of snarkiness. Says über-popular online reviewer Mrs. Giggles: “These zombies are just too cool for words and this story is a fabulous laugh-a-minute affair.” And Succubus On Top author Richelle Mead declares the book is “Sexy, funny and twisted. You’ve never read anything like this!” New York Times bestselling author Jeaniene Frost says “HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED blends the hilarious narcissism of Seinfeld with Night of the Living Dead. Who knew skincare-obsessed zombies were so much fun?” And…bless me, my own Dear Creator, Jackie Kessler, got quoted on this too: “Gruesome, ghoulish and utterly groundbreaking. Mark Henry is daring and scathingly funny.”

MEL:
I’LL BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR.

JEZ:
More like fifteen in the US, twenty-one in Canada, but why quibble? Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the darling of Seattle night-unlife, the gal who knows that being dead is no reason not to look your best…the star of Mark Henry’s HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED…Amanda Feral!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Amanda!

AMANDA:
Hey, girl. [SNIFFS THE AIR]

JEZ:
Um. Whatcha doing?

AMAN:
I got some inaccurate information.

JEZ:
Whuzzat?

AMAN:
Thought you were a succubus. But you smell like meat to me.

JEZ:
Whew. I thought you were going to complain about my body odor, not my body aroma. Former succubus, sweetie. Um. Could you stop drooling? It’s a little disconcerting.

AMAN:
[WIPES MOUTH] Oh, sorry. [PULLS OUT LIPSTICK AND EXPERTLY REAPPLIES IT WITHOUT CONSULTING A MIRROR]

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Enough about me; let’s talk about you. An advertising executive turned zombie debutante. My my. What was the most difficult thing about your transformation?

AMAN:
Oh, God. This question, Jez?

JEZ:
The fans, they want to know. Can you help it if you’re famous in your own unlifetime?

AMAN:
Okay, fine. Everyone wants me to answer that eating people is awful and what a horrible thing it must be and waaaaa and boo-hoo.

JEZ:
Is it?

AMAN:
[BLEEP] please, it’s just meat, and I was never a vegetarian.

JEZ:
Bless me, someone who’s honest!

AMAN:
No, the hardest part is keeping this dead body looking hot—and I do.

JEZ:
[TO CAMERA] She does. [TO AMANDA] I’d totally do you.

AMAN:
[BLOWS A KISS] Doesn’t come cheap, either.

JEZ:
Hey, I’m many things. But I’m not cheap. These are real Jimmy Choo’s, I’ll have you know. [COUGHS] Oh, wait. We’re talking about you.

MEL:
BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.

JEZ:
Quiet, Muse. Amanda, I’m guessing that as an ad exec in Seattle, you were already springing for the sweet ensembles. Now that you’re zomberific, what’s the expensive part—the cosmetics?

AMAN:
[NODS] The girl at the Prescriptives counter is on speed dial, sweetie.

JEZ:
[GIGGLES]

AMAN:
Sure, I could’ve kept swiping foundation from funeral homes, but at some point they catch on, right?

JEZ:
Too true.

AMAN:
Start locking that [BLEEP] up like Daddy’s booze. Then what would I do?

JEZ:
Suffer, undoubtedly. What makeup tips do you have for our audience?

AMAN:
Start with a good foundation and pack it on thick. No one wants to see your blue veins and pale skin. We don’t live inside a 70s porno.

JEZ:
Words to live by. Sort of. What’s the best thing about your undead gorgeousness?

AMAN:
Meeting my DBFs Wendy and Gil, obviously.

JEZ:
DBFs?

AMAN:
Dead Best Friends. The “forever” is redundant.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS]

AMAN:
I love those two like family. Well, maybe not family. How about this: I love them like a family of rabid possum.

JEZ:
I’m not even going to pretend to understand that one.

AMAN:
Wendy’s got the cutest little eating disorder you’ve ever seen.

JEZ:
A zombie with an eating disorder? Unholy Hell, that’s better than a vampire with a drinking problem…

AMAN:
And Gil—poor thing—his man magnet is reversed.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

AMAN:
If you’ll excuse me, I need to jot your url down to make them read this interview. They’re gonna so be pissed. It’ll be hilarious.

JEZ:
See, you’re the kind of person who gets that a friend is mostly a fiend. Girl, we have got to go out drinking after this. Tell me true: being a zombie with a penchant for sweetmeats, does oral sex take on a whole new meaning?

AMAN:
[LAUGHS] It’s all about trust, you know? A guy who’s willing to stick his most vulnerable appendage in a zombie’s mouth? That’s a trusting guy, half the time. The other half, he’s just stupid.

JEZ:
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

AMAN:
Weiner: It’s what’s for dinner.

JEZ:
[WIPES TEARS FROM EYES] I swear, you’re killing me here…

AMAN:
There won’t be any men reading this, will there?

JEZ:
Of course not.

AMAN:
You’d tell me, right?

JEZ:
Scout’s honor.

MEL:
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

JEZ:
Ignore the Muse, she’s just testy today. Any love interests for you? You know, that last longer than a one-night snack?

AMAN:
My legion of fans will have to wait for the second volume, Road Trip of the Living Dead, to meet my new boyfriend.

JEZ:
Ooh, unabashed sequel plug! Go, Amanda! Tell!

AMAN:
He’s a little rough around the edges, but extremely pliable. Just like I like ‘em.

JEZ:
So, what are the rules of zombiedom?

AMAN:
This is a tricky one, because there’s diversity in our ranks.

JEZ:
[TO CAMERA] Diversity: not just for the campaign trail.

AMAN:
Let’s see. You’ve got your shambling mistakes; they don’t really need any introduction; they get all the attention in movies, though God knows why.

JEZ:
The shuffling, rotting, brain-focused zombies?

AMAN:
Slobbery little [BLEEP].

MEL:
THEY’RE DEAD. THEY’RE ALL MESSED UP.

JEZ:
Mmm. Night of the Living Dead reference.

AMAN:
Then, you’ve got your abovegrounders, like Wendy, who’ve been infected through “breath” rather than bite.

JEZ:
Sweetie, I could say the same for half of my clients. [TO CAMERA] Folks, Listerine isn’t just to fight the good fight against plaque. I’m just saying.

AMAN:
Abovegrounders are sentient , blend in with the living folk and—as long as they keep feeding their dying cells—rot much slower than mistakes.

JEZ:
But they still rot, huh? That sucks. In a non-vampire sort of way.

AMAN:
Then there’s me. I’m what’s called a “breather,” which is like a carrier of the plague.

JEZ:
Good times!

AMAN:
Breathers can be dead or alive, but the minute they die, they’re abovegrounders. It really does benefit them to give up the ghost early. No one wants to look at a wrinkled up abovegrounder, they’re just…

JEZ:
Old, putrid and decaying?

AMAN:
Well, ew.

JEZ:
Moving on. Clothing time!

AMAN:
Hello? Girl, you know this is my topic. You want me to take over the show?

JEZ:
What can I say? I like to live dangerously. What’s your favorite outfit for clubbing?

AMAN:
Let’s see. Clubbing requires something tight and sexy.

JEZ:
[WHIPS OUT NOTEBOOK AND PEN] Details, please.

AMAN:
My favorite look is a vintage Azzedine Alaia.Black, banded and perfect with my new Alexander McQueen Novak bag in red patent, as opposed to the green croc, which just doesn’t pop.

JEZ:
[SCRIBBLES] I can see that.

AMAN:
A strappy stiletto is a natch; gotta go with my boy Christian Louboutin’s burgundy kid Ernesta Plateau’s. You won’t be disappointed.

JEZ:
I am so going shopping after this. What about for the office? What’s the Amanda Feral Must Have outfit?

AMAN:
My office uniform is totally Edith Head inspired. I love a white silk dress shirt with French cuffs over a high-waisted black pencil skirt. It’s a nice neutral to accent with a funky heel. After work, layer on a tan Prada trench—tie, never button—and you’re ready to hit the skids for a quick dinner before cocktails.

JEZ:
Sweet! What’s more frightening: an enraged werewolf, or an enraged ad executive?

AMAN:
Heh heh. Uh…is that a joke?

JEZ:
Um…yeah. Moving on…What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

AMAN:
[SMILES] Okay. Get this. So it starts in a well-appointed office suite, as I’m seducing my therapist into some particularly unethical behavior.

JEZ:
Loving it already.

AMAN:
Then my current beau bursts in, furious.

JEZ:
Ooh!

AMAN:
The two strip off their shirts and fight.

JEZ:
Pulling a James Kirk, are they?

AMAN:
The bare pecs are very important to my fantasy.

JEZ:
Pray, continue.

AMAN:
The winner whisks my dead ass off to his waterfront penthouse and wraps me in a cocoon of sexual tension and heat.

JEZ:
Woot!

AMAN:
He takes me in front of the mirror, thrusting into me, while he fans my hair in his hands like Diana Ross in Mahogany.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF]

AMAN:
We end up on the bed clawing at each other and convulsing with wet pleasure. Then I eat him.

JEZ:
[GRINS] I take it, not in the fellatio sort of way?

AMAN:
[LICKS FINGERS]

JEZ:
That, sweetie, was the absolute best answer I’ve ever gotten to that question.

MEL:
[APPLAUDS] HATS OFF.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or a chocolate martini?

AMAN:
Can we just have sex with a chocolate martini?

JEZ:
Absolutely.

AMAN:
How’s this for a scenario? “Hey Alan, Gregory, Carter, whoever. I’m just going to sip on this Godivatini while you get me off.” Male mumbles something, to which I respond, “Oh sweetheart, of course you can’t have one. Your mouth’s gonna be busy.”

JEZ:
I think I have to worship you now. You know, if you get tired of the zombie thing, I could hook you up with some power players Down Under.

AMAN:
Seriously?

JEZ:
Maybe. So, in HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Mark, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

AMAN:
Let’s get something straight, Jez. I’m in complete control of this ride. Mr. Henry is just my ghostwriter.

JEZ:
Uh huh. Of course. [WINKS AT MEL]

MEL:
THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH.

AMAN:
I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with yours, but my guy does what he’s told, or else it’s over the lips and past the gums, if you know what I mean.

JEZ:
Oh, I pull that too, when Jackie gets all diva-ish. When she thinks she can make me do whatever the Hell she wants, I just shut the Hell up, and then she can’t write a [BLEEP] thing. Got to keep these authors in line, or else life is just no fun.

MEL:
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY.

JEZ:
Exactly. Amanda, if you had your way, what would you change about HAPPY HOUR?

AMAN:
The book or the event?

JEZ:
Either one.

AMAN:
Happy hour never seems to last long enough—either one.

JEZ:
Heh. What’s your favorite non-human sort to hang out with, and why?

AMAN:
As long as they feed on humans, I’m good with them. It’s hard to hang out with someone who constantly has to stop at restaurants. It’s like waiting for the lone smoker in your group to get in the car after a movie.

JEZ:
Man, it’s true: ad execs are all sharks. Sweet. A year’s supply of Starbucks, or a year’s supply of Jimmy Choo’s. Which do you pick?

AMAN:
Are you kidding?

JEZ:
Nope.

AMAN:
Um…Jimmy Choo’s don’t leave a stain in my La Perla.

JEZ:
Noted. HAPPY HOUR has a lot of footnotes. Sweetie, is this a novel, a memoir, or what?

AMAN:
It’s whatever I want it to be, [BLEEP].

JEZ:
Does the phrase “Don’t shoot the messenger” mean anything to you?

AMAN:
[MUTTERS] Do I tell her how to construct a book? I swear, I’m about to go off.

JEZ:
Hooboy. Mel, fetch this vision of gorgeousness something from Starbucks, will you? [TO CAMERA] Folks, we’ll be right back. Have to do a David Lettermanesque cut to commercial while we calm down the guest.

[CUT TO COMMERCIAL]

JEZ:
We’re back on Cat and Muse, with a highly caffeinated, highly in demand deadutante and star of Mark Henry’s HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED, Amanda Feral. She was just about to tell us whether the book is fiction, nonfiction, or something Freyed. Sweetie, what’s the definitive word?

AMAN:
Memoir. I’ve got a story to tell. It may be hard to hear that all this stuff is going on right under the living’s noses. But it’s one hundred percent true.

JEZ:
If you could make your Dear Creator do anything, what would it be?

AMAN:
He could type a little quicker and get a new wardrobe. It’s tiresome to go in to the office and see him in those sad ragged cargo shorts and dirty t-shirts.

JEZ:
Yeah, Jackie is equally a fashion victim. Must be an author thing.

AMAN:
And don’t get me started on the flip-flops. They’re really starting to reek.

JEZ:
Hmm. Jackie doesn’t do flip-flops. But she does wear these Isotoner slippers. Baby blue. Sad, really.

AMAN:
He thinks I won’t replace him. The living are so silly.

JEZ:
No lie. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

AMAN:
I’m hoping for a dustbowl-scale recession.

JEZ:
Ooh, this is a nice change. Usually people are like, “No more hatred, no more violence.”

AMAN:
I know that’s going to sound awful to your more sensitive readers…

JEZ:
[BLINKS] I have sensitive readers? Who knew?

AMAN:
…but it’s really about longevity. With more poverty comes more crime. The police force will be strapped and spread thin. We predators will be even less likely to be noticed.

JEZ:
Don’t forget the joys of natural disasters. One of the busiest times for me was during the Black Plague. Or maybe it was Pompeii. Crap, it all begins to blur after a while.

MEL:
OLD AS DIRT.

JEZ:
Can it, Muse. Amanda, word is that Showtime optioned HAPPY HOUR. If this pulls through, who should play you?

AMAN:
I’d say Jennifer Connelly, but she’s looking a little old, don’t you think? She could certainly do with a freshening.

JEZ:
[TO CAMERA] This episode of Cat and Muse is sponsored by Botox.

AMAN:
By the time it actually gets made, it’ll probably be Miley Cyrus as me, and Dakota Fanning as Wendy—if they haven’t succumbed to whatever drug is the new Hollywood painkiller.

JEZ:
Hey, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

AMAN:
Heh heh. You’re funny. One day?

JEZ:
[GRINS] I know, I know…

Ladies and gents, once again, give it up for the darling of the deadutantes, the ever fashionable heroine of Mark Henry’s debut novel, HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED…Amanda Feral!

(No, this isn’t Amanda. But it is her Dear Creator, Mark Henry.)

[APPLAUSE]

You can purchase HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Mysterious Galaxy, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Coming next week: she’s a cop, a werewolf, and altogether conflicted. Stay tuned! Until then, love your inner demon.