JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run completely by fictional characters. (That’s our story, and we’re sticking with it.) I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable producer of Cat and Muse…the Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
We’re thrilled by the return of our next guest. We first met him last year, and I have to say, I haven’t stopped thinking about him. [SIGHS HAPPILY] He’s just so yummy.

MEL:
SEXY BEAST.

JEZ:
You said it, Mel. He is. And he’s in another novel! Here’s what Romantic Times has to say about CODESPELL: “This third book featuring hacker extraordinaire Ravirn is every bit of a fast-paced, energetic, page-turner as its predecessors. Ravirn continues to be a fascinating protagonist, and the chaotic twists of the plot carry the reader through to the end.”

And he is fascinating, all right. And gorgeous. And powerful. And…[FANS SELF]

MEL:
GETTING OFF TRACK.

JEZ:
Whoops. Where were we? Oh, right. Reviews. [READS CUE CARDS] From Publishers Weekly: “A hint of cyberpunk, a dollop of Greek mythology and a sprinkle of techno-magic bake up into an airy genre mashup. Lots of fast-paced action and romantic angst up the ante as Ravirn faces down his formidable foes.”

Ooh, romantic angst! Poor Ravirn. Heh.

MEL:
LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD.

JEZ:
Boys and girls, give a standing, screaming O for the return of Kelly McCullough’s fantabulous star of WEBMAGE, CYBERMANCY and now CODESPELL…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE, AND SOME DROOLING FROM THE HOST]

Heya, sweetie!

RAVIRN:
Hey, Jez. It’s great to be back on the show.

JEZ:
Thanks, sweetie. Love having you. [WINKS] It’s been a while since we’ve last spoken. Are you still pissing off Fate?

RAV:
Well, at this point, pissing off Fate is a function of my breathing. As long as I’m doing it, Fate’s pissed off.

JEZ:
Bless me, you’re still witty. And still gorgeous. [SIGHS DREAMILY] Last book, you were flitting off to the underworld to do the hero thing and save the world, yada yada. Is there more of the same in CODESPELL?

RAV:
No underworld, thank all the gods. Hades has made it clear that if he ever catches me there again, it’s all over.

JEZ:
Literally. So what’ve you been doing? Playing Nintendo?

RAV:
Actually, I’ve mostly been working on the next book, the one that comes out a year after CODESPELL. It’s called MYTHOS. It turns out the gods have been lying about the way the universe works. Gods lying…now there’s a surprise.

JEZ:
I’m shocked. So, details. What happens in MYTHOS?

RAV:
I can’t say much, since it’s still under wraps.

JEZ:
Heh. A plug **and** a taunt. Well played! Now, enough with the disclaimers. Gotta give me something. And take that as you will. [WAGGLES EYEBROWS]

RAV:
Picture one of those Mac vs. PC ads, with Eris and Loki in the speaking roles. [PAUSES] Okay, so that’s really more of Mac vs. Mac ad, but you get the picture.

JEZ:
Gorgeous and geeky. Yum…

MEL:
FOCUS POWER.

JEZ:
Yeah, yeah, I’m focused. I’m focused on Ravirn. By the way, I love the look, sweetie. Have you gotten sexier since I last saw you?

RAV:
[BLUSHES] Depends. Is scar tissue sexy?

JEZ:
Unholy Hell, yes…

RAV:
Well, I am getting kind of fond of the glow-in-the-dark eyes, but they’re not so popular with Cerice.

JEZ:
Oh, right. [SNIFFS] The girlfriend. Well, maybe. [PERKS UP] And then there’s Eris, goddess of discord and the sworn enemy of Fate, as well as your mentor. Maybe. And there’s Tisiphone, one of the three Furies and thus one of the most powerful entities in any author’s universe, who just happens to have a crush on you. And that’s a definitely. [GRINS] Let’s go the Paris route: which of the three is the most fair?

RAV:
That’s an easy one. Tisiphone. She’s smoking hot, both literally—hair and wings of fire will do that—and figuratively—yummy. Too say nothing of the fact that of the three she’s the one most likely to kill me if I pick one of the others.

JEZ:
Heh. So this is probably a no-brainer, but which of the three gals has the worst temper?

RAV:
Believe it or not, Cerice. Tisiphone gets mad a whole lot faster, but she calms down just as quick. Cerice takes a grudge and freeze-dries it for later use.

JEZ:
[SNORTS] I bet. What about Eris?

RAV:
What can I say about Discord? She doesn’t get mad so much as have an enormous amount of fun getting even.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

RAV:
It can be scarier than either of the others, but it’s not really a temper thing, if you know what I mean. It’s not personal.

JEZ:
Which one do you want to spend the rest of your immortal life with?

RAV:
Well, that seems likely to be a rather short span, considering the trouble McCullough gets me into. Since I’m not technically immortal, just really slow to age, I figure I’ll be lucky to see out the year. On that time scale, Tisiphone seems like the most fun, burning the candle at both ends and all that.

MEL:
BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN TO FADE AWAY.

RAV:
On the other hand, Cerice and I have been through a lot together. Tough call. Well, that part of it. I love Eris, but you couldn’t pay me enough to date her.

JEZ:
Who said anything about dating? So, Cerice. Tisiphone. Eris. Tell me true: you’re thinking “orgy,” aren’t you?

RAV:
Well…it has crossed my mind, once or twice. Or, well, rather more times than that.

JEZ:
I do so enjoy the honest ones.

RAV:
It’d never work, but a man can fantasize, can’t he?

JEZ:
You bet, sweetie. You know, some people curse their fate. You’re in a prime position to understand exactly what that entails, aren’t you? Or are you fateless now?

RAV:
I’m not entirely sure actually. My personal Fate, Lachesis—my grandmother, who disowned me—no longer has a grip on my thread. That’s good, because she’d cut it in a heartbeat. Isn’t family fun?

JEZ:
Not the word I’d use.

RAV:
Necessity is called the Fate of the Gods, and now that I’m a power, I suppose I’m somewhere in her address book.

JEZ:
You certainly like to play with the big boys and girls. Okay, a question for the web goblin fans out there. Melchior: electronic PETA supporter or just a PITA?

RAV:
More like PETM—People for the Extravagant Treatment of Melchior.

JEZ:
Hah!

RAV:
Actually, Mel’s got a heart of gold. (No really, I built it. Gold’s a great conductor.)

MEL:
I ALWAYS DEPEND ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.

JEZ:
Wrong Mel, Mel. He’s talking about Melchior, his web goblin, sidekick, and comic relief. Ravirn, some kids like to get their own apartment when they’re out of college. You didn’t even finish school, and already you have your own house: House Raven. Discuss.

RAV:
I’m still not sure how I feel about House Raven myself. It does take some of the sting out of being booted from House Lachesis by my grandmother, but it also raises my profile to an alarming extent.

JEZ:
How so?

RAV:
I’m getting party invites from Zeus.

JEZ:
[WHISTLES] Not bad!

RAV:
I do have to admit that the perks are nice. Raven House, for example, is one heck of a nice place to live. But what do you expect from the physical manifestation of my subconscious desire for the perfect home?

JEZ:
And the housewarming party is when?

RAV:
I hadn’t really thought about a housewarming in the bigger sense. But now that you mention it, I’ll have to see about putting something on the schedule. [GRINS] In the meantime, you’re welcome to come by and warm a corner up any old time.

JEZ:
Ooh. You’re a sweet talker, Ravirn of House Raven. See, I’ve already asked you about sex and chocolate in the previous interview. So for you, something different. Which is better: sex or whipped cream?

RAV:
I think I have to answer the same way, sex **with** whipped cream. I guess I’m just a sucker for culinary carnality.

JEZ:
Mel, pencil me in for going to House Raven for…oh, the better part of the near future.

MEL:
HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT TOO?

JEZ:
Only if I’m very, very lucky. Bless me, I do so love…cake. [COUGHS]

Your Dear Creator has done it again, Ravirn. Kelly McCullough wrote another book about you. This one’s CODESPELL. Give us the summary.

RAV:
Well, after the mess with Hades, Necessity is glitching all over the place. Bad with a normal computer, nightmare if it’s the one that runs the universe.

JEZ:
I can only imagine.

RAV:
I won’t go into all the details, but I will say that Persephone wasn’t the only goddess Necessity was keeping on a short leash. Some of the others are really not the kind of folks you want to see free to do as they please.

JEZ:
Yikes.

RAV:
Worse, with Necessity under the weather, a lot of really powerful folks are wondering if there might be some way to keep her there. Think tug-of-war, with yours truly playing the role of the rope.

JEZ:
I’m biting back the urge to make a bondage joke now.

RAV:
Then there’s the personal side of things. Cerice and Tisiphone get along like a couple of cats in a suitcase. I wouldn’t mind that so much if they didn’t both want me in there with them.

JEZ:
So you prefer your sex in a more spacious environment. Noted.

RAV:
And family, bleah. Take my mother…please. You may not know her, but being from hell, you’d recognize the type.

JEZ:
Heh. Sounds like my kind of gal.

RAV:
She doesn’t play a big part, but man, she can get under my skin. Dad’s better, and his mom, who I’d never met until this book is…different, but in a good way. Actually, your producer knows her a hell of lot better than I do, them being sisters and all.

JEZ:
Oh, no way. You don’t mean…

RAV:
[GRINS] Can I get a drumroll before I pull out the name?

MEL:
[BREAKS OUT SOUND MACHINE; DRUMROLL]

RAV:
Thanks! I’m talking about…Thalia, Muse of Comedy. Or, in my case, grandmother of slapstick.

MEL:
[KILLS SOUND EFFECT, SNORTS, LEAVES THE STUDIO]

JEZ:
Don’t mind her, sweetie. She gets a little funny about her sisters. I think some of them owe her money. Grandmother of slapstick, huh?

RAV:
Turns out those cream-pie-to-the-face moments I keep having might be genetic.

JEZ:
Sounds like everyone should pre-order CODESPELL.

RAV:
[NODS] It’s a rocking action adventure romp, with a big old dollop of dark and sarcastic humor. And I might cry if you don’t. Okay, that’s a lie, but it’s in a good cause…paying my rent.

JEZ:
More like paying your Dear Creator’s rent. Any luck on getting him to do what you want, for a change?

RAV:
Riiiight. You know how authors are, always dumping [BLEEP] on your head when you’re hoping for flowers.

JEZ:
Yuh-huh. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

RAV:
Well, no, that’s not entirely true. Don’t let him know, but I find that McCullough does have a certain amount of vulnerability to the “please don’t throw me in that briar patch” school of persuasion.

JEZ:
Seriously? That works?

RAV:
If he thinks I’m going to hate something enough, he’s usually willing to give it a whirl. That’s part of why I’ve been so vocal about being afraid of Tisiphone. “Oh please don’t throw me at the incredibly sexy Fury, I’d really hate that…”

JEZ:
Hah! Okay, reverse psychology on the Creators. Bless me, I’m so going to do that. What would you change about CODESPELL if you could?

RAV:
That’s easy. More surfing and sex, less getting the crap beat out of me.

JEZ:
You are so incredibly hot right now. You know that, right? And you’re like the god of your own universe.

RAV:
I wish. I’m more the punchline of my universe.

JEZ:
Heh, another Thalia reference. You’re good, sweetie. In the past, you’ve basically given Fate the finger, you hacked into Hell, you helped a goddess and pissed off a god, and you’ve managed to either fight or talk your way out of permanent death. All of this, in the name of Necessity. So tell me: is Necessity really the mother of invention?

RAV:
She’s a mother all right. She actually goes on the list right behind McCullough.

JEZ:
Damn. And not in a good way.

RAV:
I didn’t like having an ordinary kind of Fate, and I’m not thrilled about having one of the god kind, either.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] More surfing and sex, less getting the crap beaten out of you.

RAV:
What I really want is to spend about ten years surfing and laying Tisi…low. Laying low.

JEZ:
You were so not going to say that.

RAV:
No adventures. No saving the universe. No pissing off real gods who can crush me with a thought. Just big waves, white sand, and a soft bed at the end of the day.

JEZ:
With a soft body waiting for you. Let’s pretend you have a soundtrack. What’s on it?

RAV:
Well, it probably starts dramatic with the Mission Impossible theme. Then about halfway through that, there’s a horrible static burst as the CD jumps to the Pink Panther, with me in the Closeau role for about ten beats before settling into “Live and Let Die.” After that, a whole lot of Clash, some Yellow, and the odd bit of Violent Femmes. Think John Cusack dark comedy/action flick.

JEZ:
I have it on good authority that certain demonic types want to be John Cusack. Along with the soundtrack, you now have one “do over” card to play, for any of your three books. What would you change, without worrying about the Butterfly Effect?

RAV:
I’d figure out some way to save my cousin, Laris. He didn’t turn me in to my aunt Atropos when he could and should have. I’d owe him my life it stopped there, but it didn’t. He tried to help me out when he didn’t have to, and it bought him a one-way ticket across the Styx. He was a good guy and I’d give a lot to be able to bring him back.

JEZ:
Death sucks. What about Chaos? Is it evil?

RAV:
Chaos is change. It can have evil effects; it can have good ones. Though I may not always like it, I think change is absolutely necessary. Without change you stagnate, and stagnation and death are very close cousins.

JEZ:
Enough with the serious. You can go on vacation anywhere. Where do you go?

RAV:
Anyplace with warm water, great waves, and no one trying to kill me.

JEZ:
More important: who to you take with you?

RAV:
Besides Mel, that is? Part of me says anyone but Cerice or Tisiphone.

JEZ:
Ooh…friction!

RAV:
Love ‘em both, but I don’t know that I’d call either of them restful. Maybe Isla Fisher? I’ve always thought she’d be a great choice to play Tisiphone if they ever make a movie of my adventures. That’d be kind of like having Tisiphone along, only she could turn it off once in a while.

JEZ:
Sounding kind of focused on the lady with the burning bush, aren’t you?

RAV:
Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve got a real thing for that Fury these days. I’ll say Tisiphone. Though if you ask me tomorrow, I might say Cerice.

JEZ:
Have I mentioned that I love how you’re honest?

RAV:
[GRINS SLYLY] Maybe I should just invite you, and we could both hide out from our Dear Creators for a bit.

JEZ:
[PACKING UP] Gosh, look at that. We’re out of time already! Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the super sexy star of Kelly McCullough’s WEBMAGE series…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Ravirn hiding out in some castle. But it is his Dear Creator, Kelly McCullough. Um, hiding out in some castle. Sort of.]

RAV:
Thanks for having me on. It’s been a blast.

JEZ:
Oh, I am so not done with you yet. Hang on, more pimping first.

The WEBMAGE series includes:

WEBMAGE
CYBERMANCY
CODESPELL
And, coming next year, MYTHOS.

Go. Buy. You can get the books at Mysterious Galaxy, Uncle Hugo’s, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse. I’m off to a lovely island with a lovely guest. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon. Or, in this case, love this particular demon.

Ciao!