JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel. With me, as always, is the producer of Cat and Muse—the cliché-speaking, pop-culture-referencing Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse is a schoolteacher with a penchant for playing it safe, a twin sister with a reputation for doing anything but, and a secret crush on a very sexy bad-boy teacher who finally confesses his feelings about her…at her engagement party. And no, it’s not his party too.

Ooh, the drama! The angst! The sexual frustration! You know I’m all over this book like chocolate over strawberries. Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Melissa Senate’s latest novel, QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRYING…Ruby Miller!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Ruby!

RUBY:
Hi, Jez! And hello, everyone.

JEZ:
So…you, your evil twin sister Stella, a long and bumpy road trip from Maine to Las Vegas…which may or may not end with you marrying your fiancé.

RUBY:
[ROLLS EYES] Not if Stella—[AIR QUOTES] professional muse and face reader [ENDS AIR QUOTES]—has anything to say about it. And she does have a lot to say. For three thousand miles!

JEZ:
Professional muse? [GLANCES AT MELPOMENE] Sweetie, you didn’t tell me you and your sisters were hiring.

MEL:
MUM’S THE WORD. [MIMES ZIPPING LIPS SHUT]

JEZ:
Nice. You think you know someone…So, Ruby, what could possibly be bad about your twin trying to talk you out of marrying your fiancé…[GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] Tom?

RUBY:
[BLUSHES] Well, there’s the matter of me, a conservative Maine schoolteacher, saying yes to Tom’s marriage proposal…when I’m secretly in love with another man.

JEZ:
Ooh! Dirt!

RUBY:
How ridiculous is it that I don’t know if I should marry Tom, good guy fiancé, or say yes to Nick, Mr. Dreamy, who wants to “explore” his feelings for me?

JEZ:
Heh. Explore, huh? I guess he wants to go spelunking in your moist cavern…

RUBY:
[SIGHS] Do I give up forever for a chance? Do I even want the chance? Really and truly? HELP.

JEZ:
Seriously? You want advice from a former succubus? Cool! Okay, let’s get to the nitty gritty. You and the boring fiancé, Tom. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

RUBY:
Tom, of the trusty Dockers and navy blue sweater vests? He’s much better in bed than Stella assumes he is.

JEZ:
Tell me more about Tom.

RUBY:
A good guy, a responsible guy, a man you marry, cares about your happiness in bed too. Stella doesn’t seem to get that.

JEZ:
Ah. [TO MEL] Sister issues.

MEL:
[NODS] BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.

JEZ:
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but let’s move away from the sex—for now—and talk about Stella.

RUBY:
[GROANS] Stella, pregnant from a one-night stand? Searching for the father of her baby, when she doesn’t even remember his name? Stella?

JEZ:
Heh. Yeah, that Stella. Does she wear a lot of nice Ann Taylor clothes, like a certain schoolteacher who’s my current guest?

RUBY:
[SNIFFS] You’d never catch me in my twin’s clothes: teeny tank tops that say HOT MAMA in glittering rhinestones across the chest. And her crazy shoes—I don’t know how she walks in them.

JEZ:
Spoken like someone who’s never had to dance in five-inch heels. On a waxed floor. Naked. But enough about me. More about Stella. Do you hate her? Do you want to be an only child?

RUBY:
Stella and I go from estranged sisters to best friends. It takes three thousand miles and a lot of talking. But we get there.

JEZ:
Oh, how nauseating. Er, sweet. I meant sweet.

RUBY:
There’s a very big, life-changing secret Stella keeps from me about why we’re really going to Las Vegas in the first place.

JEZ:
But I guess you’re not going to share this little secret, are you?

RUBY:
[SMILES SWEETLY, SHAKES HEAD]

JEZ:
So Ruby, sweetie, you’ve told me why Tom is a man you marry. But what’s your romantic fantasy?

RUBY:
I’ll put it this way: it happens in the middle of Nebraska, with Nick. It’s hot.

JEZ:
Details!

RUBY:
[GRINS WICKEDLY, SHAKES HEAD]

MEL:
MUM’S THE WORD.

JEZ:
Repetition, much? Sheesh. Ruby, which is better: sex or chocolate?

RUBY:
Sex, no question.

JEZ:
This from the so-called conservative schoolteacher who won’t even share her most intimate sexual fantasy with me and a couple hundred thousand virtual fans. What’s the world coming to? [SIGHS] So, in QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRYING, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Melissa, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

RUBY:
When that blasted author first handed in the book to her editor, she didn’t have that very hot, very pivotal scene with Nick in Nebraska.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Seriously?

RUBY:
Her editor asked her to add it. Can you believe Melissa tried to deny me what I’ve wanted for two years? Just one night with Nick McDermott?

JEZ:
Some Creators just don’t see the Big Picture. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

RUBY:
Her editor set her straight, thank God.

JEZ:
Ick, if you insist. Me, I tend to swing the other direction. If you had your way, what would you change about QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRYING?

RUBY:
Not a word!

JEZ:
Heh, I guess that’s some killer sex scene that got added. If QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRYING goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

RUBY:
Mary Louise Parker would play me. She says so much without saying a word—just like me!

JEZ:
What about Stella?

RUBY:
I see Kristin Bell, from Veronica Mars. She’s tough, but looks like an angel.

JEZ:
And the boring fiancé?

RUBY:
Patrick Dempsey, nerdied up.

JEZ:
And heartthrob Nick?

RUBY:
The hot actor who plays Prince Caspian. Cute, cute, cute! Wait—is he jailbait?

JEZ:
[GRINS] Not tellin’. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

RUBY:
I don’t have an evil bone in my body, so I really can’t say.

JEZ:
Awwww.

RUBY:
Stella, however, would take over the world.

JEZ:
It’s good to live vicariously!

Avid Fans, give another round of applause for the star of Melissa Senate’s latest novel, QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRYING…Ruby Miller!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Ruby. But it is her Dear Creator, Melissa Senate.]

You can purchase QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRYING at Barnes and Noble, Borders, BookSense bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.