JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we know of) that is by and about author characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak in clichés and pop-culture references…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse will happily tell you that life’s a witch.

MEL:
BITCH.

JEZ:
Why, Melpomene, wash your mouth out with soap. Naughty Muse.

MEL:
[ROLLS EYES]

JEZ:
Romantic Times says that Tate Hallaway “presents a terrific and enjoyable read.” Bestselling author Julie Kenner says that the author “kept me on the edge of my seat.” And bestselling author MaryJanice Davidson says, “What’s not to adore about a heroine who frets equally about the Vatican and ripped pantyhose, an herbalist who dresses like one of the Jets in WEST SIDE STORY, and a fascinating ‘other world’ most of us could never imagine, much less write about?”

Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to the star of Tate Hallaway’s latest novel, ROMANCING THE DEAD…Garnet Lacey!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Garnet!

GARNET:
[WAVES HELLO]

JEZ:
So you own a bookstore.

GAR:
[NODS] If you’re ever in Madison, Wisconsin, you need to take a wander down State Street. When you smell the Nag Champa incense, turn. That’s my bookstore.

JEZ:
Either that, or a terrific Indian restaurant.

GAR:
You can buy all sorts of things your pagan heart might desire: tarot cards, bumper stickers that say “My other car is a broom,” jewelry, and all the other accessories a Witch might need. Come on down!

JEZ:
Gee, you’d almost think that there wasn’t a sexy Trickster god named Micah who tries to muscle into your coven, let alone try to kill you.

GAR:
Hmmm.

JEZ:
And let’s see…[GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] oh, right, your vampire boyfriend Sebastian Von Traum goes missing. Cool.

GAR:
Actually, it’s just more of a “crap.” [SIGHS] A lot of my life is like that.

JEZ:
Aw, poor sweetie. Out of all of that—obnoxious gods, the power struggle at the office, the boyfriend MIA—what was the worst?

GAR:
Not knowing where Sebastian was. I worried. Before he disappeared, Sebastian proposed to me.

JEZ:
Ooh! True love!

GAR:
The ring is awesome. You should see it.

JEZ:
I should! I should!

GAR:
Oh and how he proposed? So amazing!

JEZ:
Tell, tell!

GAR:
It was like something out of a fairy tale. Well, a Goth fairy tale, anyway. We had tea and sandwiches in his garden, and at the bottom of my tea cup…

JEZ:
The ring?

GAR:
You guessed it! The ring.

JEZ:
So…show me, already! Where is it?

GAR:
[SIGHS] I wish you could see it.

JEZ:
Me too!

GAR:
It sparkles.

JEZ:
Okay, now you’re just being cruel. So your boyfriend, fiancé, vampire boy toy, whatever proposes with a ring that you won’t show me, and then he up and disappears. Cold feet, you think? Maybe he’s not the marrying type.

GAR:
[FRETS] I got jealous of that annoyingly cute comparative religions major Sebastian was chatting up the night of our first coven meeting.

JEZ:
[ARCHES EYEBROW] Oh?

GAR:
I thought maybe… well, you know.

JEZ:
You thought your vampire was…sucking up?

GAR:
It’s not like Sebastian can live off the blood I give him.

MEL:
THE WAY TO A MAN’S HEART IS THROUGH HIS STOMACH.

JEZ:
Actually, it’s through his [BLEEP]. That’s not in the literal sense, of course. Because for that, Brooklyn vampire Eddie Murphy said it best: it’s through the ribcage.

GAR:
It didn’t help that I was having straying thoughts myself when Micah showed up, all muscle-y and tattooed, and yummy hot. That was bad, in a it-hurts-so-good kind of way.

JEZ:
Hey, it’s okay. [PATS GARNET’S HAND] Everyone lusts after other people. It’s normal. And yeah, it’s a deadly sin—and so’s envy, for that matter—but don’t let that worry you about the state of your immortal soul or anything like that. So your man disappearing, that was the worst thing that happened, huh?

GAR:
Well, then there was the whole getting choked by a possessed wind chime in my own store thing. That had to be the worst.

JEZ:
My. Yeah, that sort of sucks.

GAR:
No, wait, I forgot about the tree that smashed through my apartment…after the storm. I hate magical attacks, don’t you?

JEZ:
Loathe ’em.

GAR:
You never know where they’re coming from, or when, or what guise they’re hiding in and all that, right?

JEZ:
Not to mention that you have to wear stupid looking ruby slippers if you want to bamf your way out of there…

GAR:
Yeah, that was the worst. And did I mention how hot Micah was?

JEZ:
[SMILES] Yep.

GAR:
And how tempting?

JEZ:
Oh, yeah.

GAR:
Ugh.

JEZ:
Aw, hang in there. You’ll be comfortable with lust in no time. Let’s move on to something else, to set you at ease. Love the black-on-black look.

GAR:
I’m not big on bright colors. Standard Goth girl fare for me: black, with the occasional red and white thrown in for good measure.

JEZ:
And on the plus side, you can probably mix and match your entire wardrobe.

GAR:
If you can find it at “Hot Topics,” I’d probably wear it.

JEZ:
You mentioned the coven. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] You and Sebastian started it. Any interesting members?

GAR:
As you probably know, Wicca attracts all sorts of… shall we say, characters.

JEZ:
Heh. This from the fictional character.

GAR:
We’ve got the tattooed vegan; the death-metal head Viking; and the science-fiction fan.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that. It’s not like you have urban fantasy or paranormal romance authors in there. [SHUDDERS]

GAR:
There are others, of course, and it’s hard to try to organize a search for Sebastian when all that one guy wants to do is tell you about his past life as Mata Hari in excruciating detail, you know?

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES] Well, we all have our challenges. Okay, spill. You and Sebastian. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

GAR:
The thing about guys from a thousand years ago, they’re not terribly complicated when it comes to sex.

JEZ:
Oh sweetie, I so have to introduce you to a certain incubus I know. He’ll make you change your mind right quick about that…

MEL:
SHE’S GOT FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES.

JEZ:
Heh. That I do. So Sebastian is very old world when it comes to nookie?

GAR:
[NODS] He’s an alpha top sort. And you know, I think that’s perfectly fine.

JEZ:
No complaints from me.

GAR:
I used to date very nice, sensitive New Age guys, but you really have to take those boys by the hand, you know?

JEZ:
Mmm. There are other useful appendages that work just as well…

GAR:
I enjoy a man who knows what he wants and goes for it.

JEZ:
Me, I just enjoy men. So what’s your romantic fantasy?

GAR:
Romantic or sexual?

JEZ:
Yes.

GAR:
My romantic fantasy involves not-terribly-sexy things like spending the day wrapped up in a blanket on the couch with the one I love, chocolate, and a good book. Maybe with a little rain falling outside the window….

JEZ:
Until you mentioned the chocolate, I couldn’t really relate. What about the sexual fantasy?

GAR:
Well, now that’s different. I have this ex-, right? Daniel Parrish. Don’t tell Sebastian, but he’s also a vampire.

JEZ:
Ooh, Garnet’s got a boy-toy type!

GAR:
Parrish is a bit more of a bad boy, you know what I mean?

JEZ:
[DREAMY SIGH] Mmm-hmmm.

GAR:
Well, I once saw him in this vampire bar doing things to a woman in chains that I wouldn’t mind happening to me. But that’s kind of a secret, just between us girls, okay?

JEZ:
Of course, sweetie. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

GAR:
How about both?

JEZ:
Sounds good to me. So, in ROMANCING THE DEAD, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Tate, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

GAR:
Well, if I had any complaint at all, it would be that I never seem to get much of a break.

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

GAR:
You know, it was fun at the beginning—meeting Sebastian, and dealing with the witch hunters that were after us. But every time I think I have my life in order, some new disaster happens!

JEZ:
As in…?

GAR:
Frat boy zombies? Trickster gods? Werewolves? I mean, come on! It’s starting to become a joke among my friends that I can’t seem to have a normal life.

JEZ:
Well then, if you had your way, what would you change about ROMANCING THE DEAD?

GAR:
I wouldn’t let that tree attack my apartment. [PAUSES] Okay, that sounds a little weird.

JEZ:
You think?

GAR:
Let me explain. See, the Trickster god was after me—well, after the Goddess I harbor inside my body.

JEZ:
And that’s not the weird part.

GAR:
And, as part of his attempt to draw her out, he used his magic to send a tree through the window of my apartment.

JEZ:
Sounds rough.

GAR:
I loved that place! I mean, I’d been slowly moving into Sebastian’s place anyway, but that apartment had character. Plus, the tree totally ruined my bright orange couch.

JEZ:
Ouch. If you could make Tate do anything, what would it be?

GAR:
Give me a weekend where nothing tried to kill me. Or anyone else I loved.

MEL:
WHATEVER DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER.

JEZ:
And then you get an Uzi and kill the crap out of it first. If ROMANCING THE DEAD goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

GAR:
Many, many years ago, it would have been Winona Ryder, because she kind of had my body-type. But, Hollywood doesn’t really have a lot of people in it that look like me.

JEZ:
Never underestimate the power of special effects. What about Sebastian?

GAR:
Well, he’d have to be a dark haired-hottie. Someone tall and trim… I have no idea. Personally, I wouldn’t say not to Orlando Bloom, but he doesn’t really look that much like Sebastian. But that’s just my own little fantasy.

JEZ:
And a lovely one it is. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

GAR:
Well, I kind of have evil powers every day.

JEZ:
Spiffy!

GAR:
Lilith, my resident Goddess, isn’t exactly light and fluffy, being the Queen of Hell and Mother of Demons and all that.

JEZ:
Yeah, there’s precious little about Hell that’s light and fluffy. Oh, not counting the feather torture that the demons of Arrogance use sometimes…Er, so, your Lilith sounds a lot like my own Lillith, Queen of the Succubi. Is yours a royal bitch too?

GAR:
[NODS] Plus, when I tend to use her, the only thing that happens is that everyone ends up dead. So that’s probably not the fun kind of evil powers you’re asking about.

JEZ:
Hey, a little death, doom and destruction can be great fun at parties.

GAR:
I think if I could have an evil power, I’d want telepathy, and maybe mind-control. It’d be pretty cool to have everyone do what I told them to for a day.

JEZ:
Sweetie, if you ever become omnipotent, remind me never to piss you off.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Tate Hallaway’s latest novel, ROMANCING THE DEAD, Garnet Lacey!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Garnet. But it is her Dear Creator, Tate Hallaway, with an incredibly cute beret.]

You can buy ROMANCING THE DEAD at Borders, Barnes and Noble, Mysterious Galaxy, other Booksense bookstores, Powells, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you. If you haven’t read Garnet’s previous adventures, be sure to pick up TALL, DARK & DEAD and DEAD SEXY.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.