JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we care about) by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak in clichés and pop-culture references…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest’s Creator, Charles Stross, has been touted as being part of a new generation of British authors who write hard science fiction and space opera. He’s also a multiple award winner, including the Hugo in 2005 and the 2007 Locus Award for best novella. Along with numerous nominations and placing in the final rounds for the Nebula and the John W. Campbell Memorial Award, Charlie recently received the Edward E. Smith Memorial Award at Boskone 2008. The New York Times says that Charlie is “peerless at dreaming up devices that could conceivably exist in 6, 60, or 600 years’ time,” and SF Revu says “Charles Stross may be the science fiction field’s most exciting writer.”

As incredibly impressive as that is, we know Charlie wouldn’t be anywhere without his fabulous characters. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to introduce the star of Charles Stross’s latest novel, SATURN’S CHILDREN…Freya Nakamichi!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Freya!

FREYA:
Hi, Jez! I’m so pleased to be here!

JEZ:
So you’re a model-47 femmebot, designed by Nakamichi Heavy Industries. Do you have any spiffy femmebot powers?

FREYA:
[NODS] I never have a coordination problem, because I can change my skin and hair, color and texture, at will. I can even change my body shape, given a head start and a good reason. And, being artificial, I don’t need a silly old-fashioned space suit.

MEL:
THE CLOTHING MAKES THE MAN.

JEZ:
Or, in this case, femmebot. Ooh, the power of fashion! Is there anything you wouldn’t be caught dead in?

FREYA:
Clothing that talks back to me.

JEZ:
Seriously?

FREYA:
I hate that stuff. I once had to go to a posh party, so I rented this gown. And would you believe it started telling me off the morning after?

JEZ:
Ouch.

FREYA:
So what if I was a couple of hours late taking it back to the shop? [GROWLS] I HATE clothing that talks back!

JEZ:
But other than the occasional snarky accessory, it sounds like it’s pretty sweet being you. Or is there something that’s not so great?

FREYA:
I…Um, this is hard to admit.

JEZ:
We’re here for you, Freya. Just speak clearly into the mike.

FREYA:
[SIGHS] I’m obsolete.

JEZ:
Whoa.

FREYA:
The thing is, my template was trained to be a grande horizontale, but I’m a late model—I came off the production line the year after my One True Love’s species was declared extinct.

JEZ:
Huh. So there’s no such thing as a one true love anymore? Romance readers everywhere are going to lead the revolution, you know.

FREYA:
To make matters worse, body fashion changed.

JEZ:
Body fashion?

FREYA:
These days, all the important people are about eighty centimeters tall and have giant heads and big glistening eyes.

JEZ:
Considering you look like a human female, that’s got to suck.

FREYA:
Twice as tall as everybody else, with a small head and close-set, tiny, dark eyes. [SIGHS] I get really tired of munchkins following me down the street, shouting “Ogre!”

JEZ:
Okay, happier topics. SATURN’S CHILDREN is about how you got out from under the shadow of your elder sisters…

FREYA:
My insane, murderous elder sisters.

JEZ:
…and found true love.

FREYA:
True satisfaction!

JEZ:
Heh. So what’s the worst part of the story for you?

FREYA:
Space travel.

JEZ:
See, I would have gone with the insane, murderous sisters.

MEL:
[NODS] BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.

FREYA:
Space travel is utter [BLEEP], and I had to do lots of it! One of the journeys took nearly five years, and because I’m not human, they couldn’t even sedate me!

JEZ:
So you’re saying it’s boring.

FREYA:
You want to know how bad space travel is? Imagine spending five years in a straitjacket tied to the outside of a skyscraper—that’s your typical spaceship—with only a couple of dozen lunatics for company.

JEZ:
Huh.

FREYA:
Even with slowtime, it’s going to feel like months. You’re wearing a blindfold, which is probably appropriate because every couple of days, just to break the monotony, a not-very-accurate cosmic sniper fires a random shot at the building.

JEZ:
Wow.

FREYA:
Of course, that’s nothing compared to interstellar travel, where they freeze you and chop off your limbs to save weight—and grow you new ones at the other end IF you arrive sufficiently intact after decades and centuries in the vasty deep.

JEZ:
So space travel sucks. What’s the best thing that happens to you in the book?

FREYA:
I made it onto a starship.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] You’re [BLEEP] with me, aren’t you?

FREYA:
And I made enough money along the way that I could even pay to take my arms and legs with me!

JEZ:
[SNORTS] Okay then…let’s talk about sex.

FREYA:
As a model-47 femmebot, I am proficient in all traditional sexual positions, and quite a few that would be fatal to an unmodified human.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

FREYA:
It’s my job, after all!

JEZ:
So you’re a robotic…blow-up doll? Call girl? Bless me, that’s awesome.

FREYA:
Shame I don’t get much call for it these days.

JEZ:
Right, because you’re obsolete. Ouch. That sounds pretty lousy.

FREYA:
And I have nightmares about meeting my One True Love.

JEZ:
Oh?

FREYA:
I’m sort of designed to fall for him. Hard. Luckily—or unluckily—his species has been extinct for nearly two centuries, so I still have free will. It’s very frustrating!

JEZ:
Poor sweetie. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

FREYA:
That’s easy: sex! Chocolate is a greasy mixture of long-chain fatty acids spiked with xanthine alkaloids. I can digest it, and I can tune my taste subsystem to appreciate it, but why bother when you can get the energy from neat methanol instead? But sex is SPECIAL.

JEZ:
Bless me, that might be the best answer I’ve ever gotten on that question. So, in SATURN’S CHILDREN, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Charlie, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

FREYA:
I hate him! I wanted to scream at him to leave me alone—preferably with that hunky gigolo bot my elder sister travels with—instead of sending dwarf space ninja assassins to kill me and messing with my sex life.

JEZ:
Yeah, Creators seem to have it in for us. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

FREYA:
But you know what’s worst? He called me a vacuous tart!!!

JEZ:
That bastard. If you had your way, what would you change about SATURN’S CHILDREN?

FREYA:
I’d make it a happy, fun romance in which nobody is killed and I don’t have to travel anywhere unpleasant and I find, if not True Love, then at least a medium-sized brothel full of under-utilized gigolo-bots.

JEZ:
Can you give me a hallelujah?

FREYA:
And I’d ditch the politics and all those annoying lectures. I just want to have fun, basically.

MEL:
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN.

JEZ:
If you could make Charlie do anything, what would it be?

FREYA:
Suffer!!!

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING, AGAIN]

FREYA:
That’s for calling me a vacuous tart.

JEZ:
If SATURN’S CHILDREN goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

FREYA:
What’s Hollywood? Is that somewhere on Earth?

JEZ:
Heh. Never mind. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

FREYA:
That’s easy! I’d be just like my elder sisters! [SHUDDERS]

MEL:
WE ARE FAMILY. I’VE GOT ALL MY SISTERS AND ME.

JEZ:
Boys and girls, give another round of applause for the star of Charlie Stross’s latest novel, SATURN’S CHILDREN…Freya Nakamichi!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, I promise, this isn't Freya. But it is her Dear Creator, Charlie Stross.]

SATURN’S CHILDREN is available at Barnes & Noble, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.