JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome back to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show completely run by fictional characters! I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the tragically tormented Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse knows that it’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you. Romantic Times calls NIGHT CHILD an “absorbing paranormal detective tale” and says that “the stubborn, rule-breaking heroine keeps the tension high and the risk palpable.” And SFRevu says that “Tess and Derrick may go down as the new Cagney and Lacey—competent officers with heart, courage, and integrity.”

Stubborn and courageous? I’m there. Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot round of applause to one of the stars of Jes Battis’s NIGHT CHILD…Derrick!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Derrick!

DERRICK:
[WAVES HELLO]

JEZ:
So you’re a Vancouver-based Occult Special Investigator.

DER:
[NODS] We analyze demon DNA, process mystical crime scenes, and sometimes even prosecute warlocks at the supreme-court level. Our occult investigations start where most urban fantasies end: with the dirty details.

JEZ:
Sort of like the human police’s Homicide division—their day begins when someone’s ends. And Hell knows, I like it dirty. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] And it says here you’re a mind reader. What number am I thinking of?

DER:
Well, I’m not one of those cool telepaths like Jean Grey. I mostly just get stuck reading the thoughts of dead demons. And they don’t exactly think about kitties and sunshine.

JEZ:
Shocker.

DER:
More like, I canz haz yer yummy soul?

JEZ:
[GIGGLES]

MEL:
SOUL FOOD.

DER:
My partner, Tess, is the hot one, and I’m the sensible sidekick.

JEZ:
That would be the Cagney to her Lacey, huh?

DER:
[NODS] But I still know how to party. Once, I invited a bunch of telekinetics over to help me move. That was a party.

JEZ:
Hah! So what rocks about your job?

DER:
I get to work with my best friend and make fun of her when she dates the undead.

JEZ:
Heh. Not that there’s anything wrong with dating the undead. As long as they’re not rotting. Because seriously? Ew.

DER:
I love my job. I help solve crimes that normal people don’t give two [BLEEP] about. Who wants to fight for justice for a dead demon? Hello, we do.

JEZ:
The former demon in me is thrilled about equal opportunity death benefits.

DER:
Instead of doing Tarot, I get to analyze mystical crime scenes and help put the pieces of the forensic puzzle together. And I get to wear awesome shoes.

JEZ:
Ooh! Shoes!

DER:
Tess hates fashion. But let’s be honest: I’m a gay man, and I like to dress well.

MEL:
THE CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN.

DER:
Sure, it all gets covered by an industrial Tyvek biohazard suit, but we can at least look hot when we’re interrogating subjects, like the pretty people on CSI Miami. Note: you cannot scrub blood and viscera out of a white Armani jacket, so don’t wear it to a crime scene.

JEZ:
Duly noted. So what’s your usual look?

DER:
Most days, I rock the classic urban outfit: Mavi jeans (loose fit—I’m no model), Diesel shoes or Campers, Ted Baker button-up shirt, Kenneth Cole trench or sometimes a kicky little jean-jacket from Mexx, and my silver bracelet with a bit of classy rainbow flair. Yeah, I’m queer. Get over the shock.

JEZ:
Hee, I love it! You absolutely must go shopping with me. Have you gotten any flak for your orientation?

DER:
My partner broke a guy’s arm in three places once because he asked if we were both homos. Her exact words? “Thanks for the compliment, but I’m straight, Derrick’s gay, and you’re—well—in need of some medical attention, now.”

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

MEL:
LOVE HURTS.

JEZ:
Indeed! Speaking of which, how’s your love life, Derrick?

DER:
[SIGHS] I never get to date. The love of my life bailed on me when he found out that I was a telepath, and I almost lost my job (and a lot more) just for telling him about it. Tess doesn’t fare any better than I do. Luckily, things are starting to look up.

JEZ:
Forget the dating. Let’s talk sex. Who’s on top?

DER:
Normally, I’m a top.

JEZ:
Mmm hmmm.

DER:
[LAUGHS] Yeah, yeah, I know guys always say that, and it sounds like they’re compensating, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes.

JEZ:
Fair enough.

DER:
Bottoming just takes more effort, and I don’t have a whole lot of square footage in that area, if you know what I mean. I can’t have a lot of guests over for a relaxing brunch up my ass.

JEZ:
So in this case, the more is not the merrier.

DER:
But I’ll bottom for the right guy. Why do we have to go straight to ‘who’s on top’ anyways?

JEZ:
Just a standard question. Happy to hear about any other activities or positions you prefer. In fact, I’ll take notes!

DER:
I love kissing. I love blowjobs. I love finding all those funny little areas on a guy’s body that never get the attention they deserve.

JEZ:
Bless me, you’re a romantic at heart. So what’s your romantic fantasy?

DER:
I’m standing at the sink washing dishes. It’s been a long day. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. I lean into the crook of his neck. He kisses my shoulders and then my back. Slips off my shirt. Gets down on his knees. Undoes my jeans. Tongues the elastic band of my briefs and kisses my treasure trail.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] Mel! Cue music!

MEL:
[TURNS ON BARRY WHITE CD]

DER:
I get down on the floor with him. I sit in his lap and wrap my legs around him. He sweeps a hand up my leg, stroking the soft hair, then up my thigh. He smells like the air outside—like summer. I read his thoughts, and they’re all the right ones. I kiss the top of his head. He whispers in my ear: “I love cooking for you.” Then we kill the next few hours on the linoleum floor, while the leaky tap drip-drip-drips quietly above us.

JEZ:
Bravo! Oh, sweetie, that’s marvelous! Tell me, which is better: sex or chocolate?

DER:
Chocolate. Particularly, Ben & Jerry’s Fish Food ice cream.

JEZ:
Ah, sweetie. I do so have to introduce you to a certain incubus, who might get you to change your answer. [PAUSES] On the other hand, no I don’t. He’s evil. You’re delicious. No incubus nookie for you. So, in NIGHT CHILD, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jes, dude, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

DER:
A bit of both. I was happy that I got to get stoned and joke with Tess about sea turtles. I didn’t enjoy having to watch her go through so much dramatic [BLEEP] with her job. And Jes did manage to piss me off a few times.

JEZ:
Ooh! Tell, tell!

DER:
Like, the times I had to play errand-boy, or when Tess got to have a sexy make-out session and all I got was a night watching reruns of Battlestar? Thanks a lot.

JEZ:
Yeah, Creators can really suck, can’t they? [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

DER:
But trust me, he made up for it in HEXSTACY.

JEZ:
Ooh, I love the sneaky plug for the next book! Well played, sir. If you had your way, what would you change about NIGHT CHILD?

DER:
I’d like to have more sex.

JEZ:
[STANDS UP AND CHEERS] Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!

DER:
Seriously. [TO COMPUTER] Are you listening, Jes? I’m a horny telepath. Mama needs a visit from Zachary Quinto, stat.

JEZ:
Can I watch?

DER:
[TO COMPUTER] Also, can we get my powers sorted out? Why are they so wonky? Would it kill you to give me Dark Phoenix hair?

JEZ:
Oh, bless me. [FANS SELF] Sweetie, I think I love you. If you could make Jes do anything, what would it be?

DER:
Stop calling us in to mystical crime scenes at 3 am. Couldn’t we get a call, like, around lunchtime? Maybe somewhere close to a mall?

JEZ:
[SNORTS] Yeah, good luck with that. Our Creators live to torment us. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

DER:
On February 12, 2008, 15-year-old student Lawrence King—from Oxnard, CA—was shot in the head by a fellow classmate for being gay. You can’t change hate. There are no editorial techniques for that.

JEZ:
You’re right.

DER:
But if it were possible, I would grab every parent in the world by the shoulders, shake them, and say: “Teach your kids to love and respect others. Teach them not to be afraid of people who are different. And please, for the sake of all those terrified queer, marginalized, and at-risk kids out there, teach them to be allies, advocates, and heroes rather than the people pulling the trigger.”

JEZ:
Amen, brother.

MEL:
[EYES JEZEBEL]

JEZ:
What? You didn’t see the “former” part of me being a former demon? I’m all for tolerance.

MEL:
MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR.

JEZ:
Exactly. Derrick, If NIGHT CHILD goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

DER:
I must, must be played by Zachary Quinto.

JEZ:
Mmmm. Okay, I won’t argue that. [WIPES DROOL FROM MOUTH] What about Tess?

DER:
Tess could be played by Lauren Ambrose.

JEZ:
Nice. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

DER:
The necromancers in NIGHT CHILD can use necroid materia to take apart matter at the molecular level. If I had those kinds of powers, I’d make all of my ex-boyfriends disintegrate. Slowly. While I ate popcorn and watched.

JEZ:
Bless me, I love it. Sweetie, hang out after the show’s done. We must, must, must hit the bar and continue chatting about what you would, er, hypothetically do if you were evil. [ASIDE] Mel, get the contract paperwork started.

MEL:
[DASHES OFF TO PRINT OFF COPIES OF MAMA JEZZIE’S SOUL SIGN-AWAY]

Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the sexy sidekick of Jes Battis’s novel, NIGHT CHILD…Derrick!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Derrick. But it is his Dear Creator, Jes Battis. Um, maybe. It's all I could find online. Mysterious, ain't he?]

You can buy NIGHT CHILD at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.