JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome back to Cat and Muse. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse understands the concept of family values. The Los Angeles Times says that the Amy Wallen “capably illustrates that it is not only possible but also compelling to be funny, captivating, and compassionate, all in the same book.” And Booklist declares: “Wallen launches a funny, touching, and bittersweet ride in search of family, but what her characters find is bigger than Texas and better than MoonPies.”

Boys and girls, give a round of applause for the heroine of Amy Wallen’s MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS…Ruby Kincaid!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Ruby!

RUBY:
Howdy, howdy!! [WAVES BIG AND HEARTY]

JEZ:
So, the owner of six-lane bowling alley in Devine, Texas, spots her runaway daughter on a ButterMaid commercial, then sets off for Hollywood to find her and make her own up to her responsibilities—specifically, her two children she left behind.

RUBY:
Sweetest little kids. Don’t make no sense.

MEL:
IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD.

JEZ:
What’s worse: having your daughter Violet run away, or having to put up with your daughter’s star-struck mother in law, Imogene?

RUBY:
Violet has been missing for four years. That’s the worse thing that can ever happen to a momma, I suppose. But Imogene, she never wanted to have anything to do with Violet until she sees her on the TV and now she’s acting like she’s a star-in-law.

JEZ:
“Star-in-law.” Heh, I like that. Even in the midst of such a hard time, was there anything about it that didn’t utterly suck?

RUBY:
Well, for me, none of it was all that great. Anxiety about this and that, worrying that my grandkids will grow up to be crazy people after the pain their momma caused them.

JEZ:
I can see that.

RUBY:
But for my sister, Loralva, who came along on the trip in the Winnebago because she has a huge crush on Bob Barker…

JEZ:
Mmm. Sexy man, who appreciates the value of a dollar.

RUBY:
Well, she got to be on The Price is Right, and I got to get dressed up in fancy clothes, and that was all fun. That whole day. At least until I punched Imogene in the parking lot.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Say what, now?

RUBY:
[COUGHS] Usually, I prefer a simple outfit. Something comfortable and almost always it’s polyester, and most definitely bowling shoes.

JEZ:
Heh. I see we’re taking the fifth on the random act of violence and have focused on the fancy clothing portion of your answer.

RUBY:
[WINKS] I get too many scratches and scuffs on my maple floors at the bowling alley to warrant ever wearing anything but the right shoes.

JEZ:
Deep in your heart, you’re a Blahnik babe, aren’t you?

RUBY:
[SNORTS] You get a pair of heels on my floors and I’m having to buff for a week and a half.

JEZ:
What other fashion faux pas make you roll your eyes?

RUBY:
I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of Loralva’s crazy outfits: white fringed mini-dresses, red satin halter tops that show all. [PAUSES] She’s got the figure for it, though.

JEZ:
So with all the insanity going on in MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS, what was the most ridiculous part of the story?

RUBY:
That there are five of us in that damn Winnebago.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] At least it’s not a compact car. Okay, let’s talk sex!

RUBY:
Oh my.

JEZ:
You and your sweetie. Who’s on top?

RUBY:
I’ve never told anybody this, but after my husband Rascal died, and I went over to Earl Glidden’s house one evening, just to have a beer and pick up some goat meat for the barbecue at the bowling alley the next day, well, we ended up in the goat pen on a pile of hay and come to find out, there was a rattlesnake in the same pile of hay.

JEZ:
[GRINS] So that’s what the kids are calling it these days…

RUBY:
While I won’t go into details, let’s just say he was on top, I was on top, then everybody was all topsy turvy and I think the snake was more frightened than we were. [PRIMLY] And I don’t mean anything naughty about saying “snake.” It was the real thing. Both of them. [WINKS]

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

MEL:
COLD-HEARTED SNAKE.

JEZ:
I get the feeling there wasn’t anything cold about that particular snake. Ruby, what’s your romantic fantasy?

RUBY:
I never had one before…but the goat pen sure stirs up a lot of feelings for me, even if I’m just spraying deodorizer in the rental shoes and happen to let it slip across my mind. Those tingly kinds of feelings you get “down there.”

JEZ:
[GRINS] So, while we’re talking about it, which is better: sex or chocolate?

RUBY:
Well, I don’t see why they have to be separated. Plenty of things you can do with chocolate, especially when it’s melted.

JEZ:
Bless me, yes. And when it’s dribbled all over the body, especially in the—

MEG:
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY.

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Sorry, getting off topic. So, in MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Amy, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

RUBY:
When I hit Imogene in The Price is Right parking lot.

JEZ:
Okay, no wiggling out of this one. Tell, tell!

RUBY:
[BLUSHES] I didn’t want to do it.

JEZ:
Of course you didn’t.

RUBY:
But Amy said if I didn’t haul off and slug that Imogene and let her have it right then and there that no one would want to read any further, and she’d put her pen down because she was just sick and tired of my nicey nice everybody-gotta-get-along attitude. And to be quite honest, I was kind of tired of being nice and getting nothing in return, if you know what I mean.

JEZ:
I sure do.

RUBY:
So I hauled off and let Imogene know what I really thought. And maybe a little more. Felt damn good. Should have done it sooner.

JEZ:
The important thing, slugger, is that you did it.

MEL:
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

JEZ:
Damn straight. If you had your way, Ruby, what would you change about MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS?

RUBY:
Suddy Wilson, the preacher’s wife, wouldn’t have sold all my neon beer signs that I had hanging around the bowling alley and replaced them with neon lines of the Lord’s Prayer that blinked on and off as the congregation recited the lines.

JEZ:
Hold the phone. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] I thought you said you owned a bowling alley.

RUBY:
[NODS] She’d turned the bowling alley into a chapel while I was out of town and left Suddy in charge. She was the league captain, after all.

JEZ:
Heh. I see. If you could make Amy do anything, what would it be?

RUBY:
Finish the next book in the series, where my sister Loralva is the main character.

JEZ:
Ooh! A plug! Sneaky gal!

RUBY:
[BLUSHES] It’s a good story and a lot of fun.

JEZ:
I’m sure it is, sweetie. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

RUBY:
That loving somebody really could be enough.

MEL:
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

JEZ:
If that were the case, Hell would go out of business. And so would all the therapists the world over. If MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

RUBY:
I want that Kathy Bates to play me. And Jessica Lange should be Loralva and Olympia Dukakis should be Imogene. But I don’t want to punch Olympia.

JEZ:
You could get a stunt double for that. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

RUBY:
Oh, that just sounds like no fun at all.

JEZ:
[WAGGLES BROWS] You never know until you try.

RUBY:
I’d probably give my powers to Loralva, who would do all sorts of things to Imogene that would be fun to watch.

JEZ:
Heh. Well played.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Amy Wallen’s MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS…Ruby Kincaid!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Ruby. But it is her Dear Creator, Amy Wallen.]

You can get MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS at Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, your favorite independent bookstore, Target, Amazon, and other fine stores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.