JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome back to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk radio show (that we know of) that’s by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy…producer of Cat and Muse, the cliché-speaking, pop-culture referencing Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse can make Sydney Bristow cry like a girly girl. Darque Reviews says of BITTEN TO DEATH: “The characters are strong, their enemies are vicious, the chemistry is delicious, and their assignments are packed with danger in every direction.” Over at Book Bitch, they’re saying “Always fun and entertaining, this unique urban fantasy series could be the start of a whole new sub-genre: Spy-Fi.”

Spy-Fi? So awesome. But wait, there’s more from Book Bitch: “Cool gadgets, creepy crawlies like you’ve never seen, action, romance, and a healthy mix of humor make this series one of my absolute favorites.”

Sounds absolutely yummy. Boys and girls, give a huge hello to the star of Jennifer Rardin’s terrific Jaz Parks series…the titular heroine, Jaz Parks!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Jaz!

JAZ:
What’s up, Jez?

JEZ:
For those new to Cat and Muse, a disclaimer. Contrary to what you might be thinking, your name and your Creator’s name don’t have to begin with a J to appear on the show. Bless me, this is something out of a bad David Letterman sketch. Jaz, Jez. Jez, Jaz. Jackie, Jen. Jen, Jackie.

MEL:
[ROLLS EYES] JOY.

JEZ:
I have to say, Avid Fans, never piss Jaz Parks off. Sure, she looks all demure, even fragile. But she’s freaking deadly. She has a fifth degree black belt in taekwondo, as well as advanced training in aikido, southern Shaolin-style king fu, ju-jitsu, and mystic fong chen. To say nothing about being an expert sharpshooter. And she can detect vampires without seeing them first.

JAZ:
And I can’t be hypnotized by them, and I’m kina immune to vampiric powers in general. [SMILES SWEETLY] Which makes me an ideal candidate to assassinate the undead.

JEZ:
As long as you’re focused on vampires, and not cute former demons, we’re good. So I hear that in your latest. BITTEN TO DEATH, the CIA is paying you to eliminate one of the world’s most dangerous killers.

JAZ:
[GRINS] Talk about your sweet gigs! [RUBS HANDS GLEEFULLY]

JEZ:
Is it the whole death, doom and destruction thing that turns you on, or is it more personal?

JAZ:
Finally, we’re getting a clear shot at Edward “The Raptor” Samos. This son of a bitch has already attempted mass murder, which we only narrowly averted and at a cost we’re still counting. He’s tried to start a war between America and China. And he’s managed to ally so many usually feuding factions of others that it’s only a matter of time before he pulls a global stunt that could wipe out half the damn planet!

JEZ:
Others? You don’t mean that Nicole Kidman movie, do you?

JAZ:
Weres. Witches. Vamps.

JEZ:
Ah. Sounds like he’s got an Evil Overlord complex.

MEL:
[NODS] ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL.

JEZ:
For real. So Jaz, safe to assume that the Raptor is the worst thing that happens to you in BITTEN TO DEATH, yeah?

JAZ:
[SHAKES HEAD]

JEZ:
Oh? What’s worse?

JAZ:
I’ll give you that in one word: Disa.

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

JAZ:
She and Vayl have history I can’t even begin to dent. Which makes me want to put a big old crease in her forehead every time I talk to her.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS]

JAZ:
Probably not the best instinct to follow considering she’s in charge of the Vampere community we’ve come to save. And by “in charge” I mean in a whiny, foot-stomping way that makes me wonder why the other vamps don’t just thump her so hard that her head disappears into her torso!

JEZ:
[SNORTS] Sounds like a real peach. Including the poison pit. Vayl’s your sweetie, huh?

JAZ:
My boss.

JEZ:
What does one thing have to do with another? Okay, okay. So tell me, what’s Assassin Chic these days?

JAZ:
I usually wear black boots and a matching leather jacket that’s been tailored to mask my shoulder holster.

JEZ:
[NODS] Tailoring. Very important to disguise a girl’s flaws. Or illegal weapons. What else is in your wardrobe?

JAZ:
Jeans. Shirts vary from graphic tees to mock turtlenecks, depending on what part of the world we’ve traveled to. Since occasionally I have to throw on a costume for my job, there’s very little I won’t wear. Maybe one of those T-shirts that make you look like you’re running around topless.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with running around topless. Let’s get back to Vayl.

JAZ:
[BLEEP]

JEZ:
Heh. Really now. I’m sensing some hostility there. What about you, Mel?

MEL:
PISSED OFF AND PUT OUT.

JEZ:
Fess up, Jaz. What’s got you all hot under the collar about Vayl?

JAZ:
I’ll tell you what it is, and I’m getting so pissed as I think about it, I may have to go hit somebody!

JEZ:
Um, sweetie, just remember, you signed that waiver before the show. No attempts to hurt the host. [COUGHS] You were saying…?

JAZ:
Vayl has told me so little about the Vampere community to begin with. [SNORTS] Oh yeah, I have the map he drew of this rambling mansion. And the names and faces of its inhabitants. But I still know almost nothing about what went on in the decades he lived among the Vampere. Why the hell does he have to be so mysterious?

MEL:
MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

JAZ:
You know what I think? I think he’s worried that if I knew the low-down, I’d turn it into blackmail.

JEZ:
[ARCHES EYEBROW] Would you?

JAZ:
At the least, I’d turn it into prime teasing material. Which is possible. [BLEEP] He may know me too well.

JEZ:
Okay, spill already. You and Vayl. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

JAZ:
Since it’s all taking place in my vivid fantasy life right now…

JEZ:
Aw…

JAZ:
I can say unequivocally that neither one of us is on top. Read: him standing; me, not so much.

JEZ:
[GRINS] See, now we’re getting somewhere! What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

JAZ:
[LAUGHS] You are aptly named, are you not, Jezzy?

JEZ:
So my Dear Creator says…

JAZ:
My fantasy involves a huge tub fulla hot water, bubbles, and my favorite vampire. Beer—since champagne sucks—and peanuts—since chocolate doesn’t work with beer—and a silk washcloth.

JEZ:
Which is better, sex or chocolate?

JAZ:
Since I haven’t had any in well over a year—SEX!

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Over a year? Oh bless me, we’ve got to get you laid. I know this one incubus…no, wait. On second thought, bad idea. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] So, in BITTEN TO DEATH, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jennifer, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

JAZ:
Jennifer’s like a freaking five-year-old on a steady diet of Oreos and Red Bull.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

JAZ:
I swear to God, if I didn’t slap her upside the head once in a while, she’d be bouncing off the walls with tangents and boo-hoo back stories and information dumps so big she’d have hemorrhoids the size of Mount Olympus!

JEZ:
[WIPES TEARS FROM EYES] I think I love you.

JAZ:
I will say she’s gotten better at listening to me. But would you believe she thought I was going to do one of the best fight scenes without Vayl? What a nimrod.

JEZ:
Heh. If you had your way, what would you change about BITTEN TO DEATH?

JAZ:
I’d take out the part in the middle where I confront Disa. Makes me look bad.

JEZ:
If you could make Jennifer do anything, what would it be?

JAZ:
I would stick her in a hotdog costume, stand her outside a greasy spoon and make her wave at cars all day. After all, she did make me belly dance that one time.

JEZ:
Hah! Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

JAZ:
I wish I could remove the calories from doughnuts. There’s something fundamentally wrong about lusciousness of that caliber making you fat.

JEZ:
Mmm. It’s one of Hell’s better plans. What about the publishing world? What would you change there?

JAZ:
Holy crap, have you any idea how slow this sucker moves? I’ve killed ten people in the time it takes for half a book to be written. And that’s not easy!

JEZ:
What, writing the book, or killing ten people?

JAZ:
Yes!

JEZ:
Heh. If BITTEN TO DEATH goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

JAZ:
Emma Watson, who played Hermione in the Harry Potter movies, if she can pull off an American accent.

JEZ:
What about Vayl?

JAZ:
Either Gerard Butler or Ioan Gruffudd should play Vayl.

JEZ:
Nice. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

JAZ:
I’d go straight to hell, dress all the demons in three-inch heels and make them dance the cha-cha while the residents judged them by throwing rotten cabbage at the losers. Then, right before I left, I’d make it rain marshmallows.

JEZ:
[FALLS OUT OF CHAIR, HELPLESS WITH MIRTH]

MEL:
HEAVEN…I’M IN HEAVEN…

JAZ:
I would also give everybody curly hair in ninety percent humidity for twenty-four hours. You gotta live it to sympathize!

JEZ:
Sweetie, I so hear you!

Avid Fans, once again give a round of applause to the star of Jennifer Rardin’s latest book, BITTEN TO DEATH…Jaz Parks!

[APPLAUSE]

[Sure, this could be Jaz Parks in one of her numerous disguises. But it’s really Jaz’s Dear Creator, Jennifer Rardin.]

The books in the Jaz Parks series are:

ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST
BITING THE BULLET
BITTEN TO DEATH

BITTEN TO DEATH, which just hit the shelves, is available at Mysterious Galaxy, other independent bookstores, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and other fine bookstores near you.

JAZ:
Also, Jen never gets company and she’s addicted to the Internet, so definitely tell everyone to drop her a line. You can reach her at any of the following addresses: jennifer@jenniferrardin.com, www.myspace.com/jenniferrardin, and at www.facebook.com/pages/Jennifer-Rardin/19356585468. And while you’re surfing, check out her website. You can see excerpts of my past missions and other cool items at www.jenniferrardin.com.

JEZ:
There’s nothing better than ending with a public-service announcement. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.