JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show that’s run by a former demon. I’m your host, the aforementioned former demon. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable, cliché-quoting and pop-culture-referencing Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Hey, you know that Sister Sledge song?

MEL:
WE ARE FAMILY. I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME.

JEZ:
Yeah, that one. Well, that could be the theme song for our next guest on Cat and Muse. According to Booklist, THE SMART ONE is “A perfect beach read!” And Jane Green, bestselling author of The Beach House, says that THE SMART ONE is “Wonderfully funny, irreverent and entirely unexpected.”

Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Ellen Meister’s latest novel, THE SMART ONE…Bev Bloomrosen!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Bev!

BEV:
Hello Mel and Jez! As a middle sister, I feel right at home sandwiched between two interviewers.

JEZ:
And as a former succubus, I feel right at home talking about threesomes. But I digress! Middle sister, you said. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] Clare is the “pretty one,” and Joey is the “wild one.” So I guess that makes you the titular “smart one,” huh?

BEV:
[NODS] We’re three adult sisters, struggling with the burden of childhood labels.

JEZ:
Yeah, it bothers me when people stick a “Made in China” label on me, when clearly I was made in Hell, Michigan. What’s the worst thing about your situation in THE SMART ONE? Be sure to give details.

BEV:
Family! Is that enough detail for you?

JEZ:
Hah! Okay, so what’s the best thing?

BEV:
Family! Yes, I know. I have issues.

JEZ:
Heh. You also have a nice sense of fashion. Love the cute top.

BEV:
Thanks. I never want to look like I’m trying too hard. That’s my sister Clare’s role.

JEZ:
Hee. I’m sensing some family friction here. Did your sisters ever get in your way when you were getting closer to a guy?

BEV:
You sure you want to know?

JEZ:
Does Hell have better music than Heaven? Damn straight I want to know.

BEV:
[SIGHS] As a teenager, I was just about to enter into something serious with Kenny Waxman.

JEZ:
Who?

BEV:
The boy next door.

JEZ:
Ah. Pray continue.

BEV:
I found him in bed with my younger sister, Joey.

JEZ:
Ah. Did you smite him with a look? Bury the body and conveniently forget where?

MEL:
OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!

BEV:
[SMILES RUEFULLY] He went on to become a big deal comedy writer out in Los Angeles.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Sweetie, we have got to talk about the ABCs of revenge.

MEL:
A DISH BEST SERVED COLD.

JEZ:
[NODS] Or, alternatively, with a flamethrower.

BEV:
Then he showed up in my life again, acting as if we were meant to be together.

JEZ:
Hmm. Good looking?

BEV:
Hot as hell.

JEZ:
[PERKS UP] Well then, that’s a ringing endorsement.

BEV:
I’m seriously thinking about going for it. But I can’t help wondering if he still has a thing for Joey.

JEZ:
Aw. Don’t let that stop you.

BEV:
There’s one more minor complication: we found a dead body under his house, and his father might be the murderer.

JEZ:
Technically, I think that’s two complications. But enough about his dad; let’s get back to the man of the hour. When you and Kenny were getting Biblical, who was on top?

BEV:
Mostly him. Sometimes me. I’ll take it any which way. Have I mentioned that he’s hot?

JEZ:
[GRINS] You might have. You and Kenny: what’s your romantic fantasy?

BEV:
I never thought I’d be into that kind of thing, but the day Kenny ripped my nightie off—and I mean ripped—was about as steamy as it gets.

JEZ:
You might want to invest in Velcro. Which is better, sex or chocolate?

BEV:
Seriously, Jezebel–you have to ask?

JEZ:
Actually, yeah. It’s in my contract.

MEL:
[SNORTS] READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

JEZ:
Don’t mind Melpomene. She’s still a bit pissed with me for forging her signature when it was time to renew. So, in THE SMART ONE, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Ellen, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

BEV:
I mostly ignored her. She can be a terrible pain in the ass.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

BEV:
A terrible pain in the ass.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about THE SMART ONE?

BEV:
Even though she gets on my nerves, I think the author’s name should go on top of the title. ELLEN MEISTER. THE SMART ONE

JEZ:
If you could make Ellen do anything, what would it be?

BEV:
Stop checking her Amazon ranking.

JEZ:
Yeah, good luck with that. Dear Creators seem to have a problem with that. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

BEV:
Would be pretty cool if they re-opened that Krispy Kreme Donuts on the corner. World peace, too.

JEZ:
Mel, order a cup of world peace, would you?

MEL:
PEACE IS ITS OWN REWARD.

JEZ:
Thank you, Gandhi. Bev, if THE SMART ONE goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

BEV:
I think Jennifer Aniston or Gwyneth Paltrow could play my role, as they could pull off the sarcasm.

JEZ:
Ooh, I do so love sarcasm. What about Kenny?

BEV:
The toothsome Kenny Waxman could be played by Matt Damon, Johnny Depp or the charismatic Edward Norton.

JEZ:
Yum. Okay, last question—

BEV:
Wait. You asked who would play me in the movies, but you didn’t ask Ellen what she would wear to the Oscars.

JEZ:
Er. Okay, sure. Hey, why not mix it up a little? Boys and girls, give a round of applause to Bev’s Dear Creator, Ellen Meister!

[APPLAUSE]

[Yes, that's right--Bev's Dear Creator herself, Ellen Meister!]

JEZ:
Heya, Ellen!

ELLEN:
Oh, dear. You can see me? I thought I was well hidden. Hello everyone. [WAVES]

JEZ:
Okay, Ellen, this one’s from Bev. What would you wear to the Oscars?

ELLEN:
Hm … how about George Clooney?

JEZ:
Hee! And there you have it—from the words of the Creator herself!

You can buy THE SMART ONE at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Borders, your favorite local indie, and at fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.