JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we know of) that’s run completely by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak in clichés and pop culture references…the Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest is simply too yummy for words. In a four-star review, Romantic Times calls THE BLACK SHIP “a high-seas adventure with descriptions so vivid you may feel seasick” and goes on to say: “The world building is detailed and gives you a feeling of being there. The characters are multilayered, with flaws and weaknesses, and the plot is well crafted.”

Boys and girls, give a huge round of applause to the star of Diana Pharaoh Francis’ latest Crosspointe novel, THE BLACK SHIP…Thorn!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Thorn!

THORN:
[BOWS WITH A FLOURISH] Greetings, beautiful . . . um, slightly clad . . . ladies.

JEZ:
Mmm. Flattery. Yum! Tell us all about what happens in THE BLACK SHIP. Twenty words or less. Go!

THORN:
We become accidental pirates, accidental traitors, and oh, we inadvertently become heroes as well. At least, in our own minds.

JEZ:
Pirates and traitors and heroes, oh my! Which is the worst?

THORN:
[SIGHS] Do you know how awful it is to be trapped on board ship with people you don’t like in the dead of winter? There’s no getting away from them.

JEZ:
Heh. Sort of like family. Or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

THORN:
And on top of that, I had to have help to take a piss.

JEZ:
Yikes.

THORN:
By the gods, sometimes I wanted to throw myself into the sea just to have a moment of silence and privacy.

MEL:
THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE.

JEZ:
Surely, it couldn’t have been all bad…

THORN:
As it turns out, I became more fond of my companions than I thought I thought possible.

JEZ:
I’m sure this has nothing to do with you needing help going potty…

THORN:
When I first boarded the ship, I had been kidnapped.

JEZ:
Ooh – a kidnapped-by-pirates fantasy!

MEL:
YO HO HO.

THORN:
[LAUGHS] I believed the captain insane—which, it can be argued, he was and maybe still is—and I thought his a cursed ship. Imagine my surprise when it turned out that the captain and crew are some of the bravest I’ve ever served with.

JEZ:
Yeah, well, much of bravery comes down to desperate people doing insane things. You said you were an accidental pirate. I don’t see you sporting either an eye patch or a parrot. So what does a pirate wear in your world?

THORN:
Generally, I wear serviceable sailing clothes that are majicked against the weather. A top coat, a cotton shirt, a vest, trousers, heavy boots, and a cloak.

JEZ:
Mmm. Pirate vest. Beneath which lies a pirate chest.

MEL:
FIFTEEN MEN ON A DEAD MAN’S CHEST.

JEZ:
So what does any self-respecting pirate avoid like a fashion plague?

THORN:
[SNORTS] The ridiculous frilly things that seem to be the fashion in court. Do you know that the trousers have begun to be worn so tight that you can see the outlines of the legs?

JEZ:
Heh. Oh, the horror.

THORN:
And let me tell you, the physique of all too many men cannot stand up to such scrutiny. It’s enough to turn my stomach.

JEZ:
And yet, there are those who wear it oh so well…Let’s back up a second. You’d mentioned that you’d needed help peeing. What happened?

MEL:
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.

THORN:
[BLUSHES] Well, I managed to hurt my hands, enough that I could not untie my own trousers or hold my prick to piss.

JEZ:
Oh wow. Poor sweetie.

THORN:
Halford was assigned to help me—which was as much a punishment for me for getting hurt as him for being, well, Halford.

JEZ:
Heh.

THORN:
I suspect that if I were not the only thing keeping the ship from sinking, he’d have tossed me overboard in a heartbeat.

JEZ:
Based on my notes, you don’t swing that way. Let’s see… [SCANS NOTES] Right, here we go. Your honeypot is someone named Savaiu. Sounds exotic! Tell me, who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

THORN:
[SMILES] Alas, I do not yet know.

JEZ:
Aw. Poor sweetie.

THORN:
I am hoping there are many positions and many, many years of pleasure. But I will take what I can get and be a happy man. I suspect, however, that she shares my erotic imaginings. It is only a matter of time until I find out for myself.

JEZ:
Well then, what’s your romantic fantasy?

THORN:
At this point, to be warm, safe, and behind a locked door with Savaiu. I simply want to be skin to skin with her and hear her heart still beating. After all that has happened, that will be enough.

JEZ:
Bless me, a true romantic! Which is better: sex or chocolate?

THORN:
Why not both together?

JEZ:
Heh. Why not, indeed? So, in THE BLACK SHIP, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Diana, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

THORN:
Oh, dear—you mean some bitch is responsible for the hell that I went through?

JEZ:
Um…

THORN:
Excuse me. I must be off to consult a majicar. I need to buy a curse . . .

JEZ:
Wait, wait! Last question, then you can go off on your righteous crusade against your Creator! If you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

THORN:
I would curse my parents with an illness that makes them unable to speak or move, yet their body rots from the inside out with all the things that make them so truly evil.

JEZ:
[GIGGLES] Creative!

THORN:
[PAUSES] I suppose that would be considered heroic, really, given what they’ve done, and no doubt what they will do.

JEZ:
Change your answer?

THORN:
I would certainly give my enemies a permanent and unending case of lice.

JEZ:
Perfect!

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Diana Pharaoh Francis’ latest book, THE BLACK SHIP…Thorn!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Thorn. But it is his Dear Creator, Diana Pharaoh Francis, with two furry friends.]

You can get THE BLACK SHIP at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, love your inner demon.