JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run completely by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the producer of Cat and Muse—the cliché-speaking, pop-culture-referencing Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse knows all about choosing between a rock and a hard place. POISON STUDY won the 2006 Compton Crook Award for best debut novel from the Baltimore Science Fiction Society. And it won the 2006 Reader’s Choice Award from the Salt Lake County Library System. And it was a Locus magazine 2005 recommended reading selection. And a Book Sense October 2005 pick. And a finalist in the Romance Writers of America’s Rita award in the Best First Book Category. And it was nominated for an Alex Award by the American Library Association.

Not enough for you? How about this starred review from Publishers Weekly? “Shivers, obsession, sleepless nights—these are the results not of one of the milder poisons that novice food-taster Yelena must learn during her harrowing job training but of newcomer Snyder’s riveting fantasy that unites the intelligent political focus of George R.R. Martin with a subtle yet potent romance….The first in a series, this is one of those rare books that will keep readers dreaming long after they’ve read it.”

Avid Fans, give a hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Maria V. Snyder’s FIRE STUDY, MAGIC STUDY, and the book that started it all, POISON STUDY…Yelena!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Yelena!

YELENA:
Hello, Jezebel and Melpomene. Thanks for inviting me on to your show!

JEZ:
Thrilled you could join us. So, in POISON STUDY, you’re a poison taster for Commander Ambrose, the military dictator for the Territory of Ixia. I’m thinking that as long as you don’t actually have to eat food laced with poison, that’s a pretty sweet deal, no?

YEL:
I’ve been poisoned with Butterfly’s Dust!

JEZ:
Is that like basil?

YEL:
[GRIMACES] If I don’t show up for work EVERY day, I’ll die.

JEZ:
Ah. Man, I thought Hell had some strict rules…

YEL:
Every morning my boss, Valek—the Security Chief—gives me enough antidote to keep me alive for the day. Miss one day and I’ll be dead by the next. [SIGHS] The Commander and Valek don’t trust me.

JEZ:
You think?

YEL:
I don’t blame them. I was in the dungeon waiting to be executed for murder.

JEZ:
Ooh.

YEL:
They’re not taking any chances on my commitment to my new job. And truth be told…I would have escaped at the first opportunity if it wasn’t for the poison.

JEZ:
Smart man, your boss.

YEL:
At least, it’s better than being in the rat-infested dungeon.

MEL:
A SILVER LINING.

JEZ:
Yeah—at least you have some perks.

YEL:
And I have a little freedom when I’m not needed to taste the Commander’s food.

JEZ:
How so?

YEL:
Freedom to explore the castle…and perhaps find the recipe to the antidote.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

MEL:
GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.

YEL:
Also I’ve been helping Valek with a few problems.

JEZ:
Oh?

YEL:
I should probably hate him, but he treats me like an equal, and seems to value my opinion.

JEZ:
[SMILES] Ah. One of those bosses.

YEL:
The job is dangerous, but I’ve seen the Commander in action and he’s not all bad, considering he’s the most powerful man in Ixia.

JEZ:
So Ambrose is a military dictator, right? That explains why you’re in a spiffy uniform, no? By the way, I love the red shirt and black pants. Very evil Christmasy. And the black diamonds on your sleeves are like a skier’s wet dream.

YEL:
Double black diamonds, baby –- all the way. [WINKS]

JEZ:
Heh.

YEL:
In Ixia, everyone wears a uniform. After the Commander and Valek assassinated the entire monarchy, he divided Ixia into eight military districts, each ruled by a General.

JEZ:
The entire monarchy? Mel, we’ve got notes on the Commander and Valek, right?

MEL:
THE DEVIL’S IN THE DETAILS.

JEZ:
Just checking. [COUGHS] Sorry, Yelena. So, you were saying about the clothes. What wouldn’t you be caught dead in?

YEL:
Civilian clothes! If a person is out of uniform, they’re chained naked to a post in the market square for three days!

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] Bless me, your Commanders sounds like my kind of man! How does he feel about, you know, former demons? Or magic over all?

YEL:
Magic is forbidden in Ixia.

JEZ:
Alas.

YEL:
[WHISPERS] Besides being poisoned, I’m starting to display some…unusual powers.

JEZ:
Oh? [LEANS IN] Do tell. And speak clearly into the microphone, would you?

YEL:
I’m freaking out about it. If Valek finds out, it’s another death sentence for sure!

JEZ:
That doesn’t sound too bad. Look how the first death sentence turned out.

YEL:
Well….I think I’m falling for Valek, which is suicide.

JEZ:
[GRINS] Okay, spill. You and Valek. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

YEL:
We’ve only had a short time together. So far, Valek has taken the lead.

JEZ:
Imagine that, a military man taking the lead. Heh. What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

YEL:
Insist all you want, sweetheart, but I’m not the graphic type.

JEZ:
Humph.

MEL:
[LAUGHS] MY LIPS ARE SEALED.

JEZ:
Back off, Muse.

YEL:
Actually, I’d really love a nice normal date with Valek. I would like to wear my dress uniform, have dinner, sip wine without testing for poisons, and go dancing with Valek—pall without any worries. Like a normal couple.

JEZ:
What worries?

YEL:
[TICS OFF POINTS] Being poisoned, dealing with unwelcome magical flare-ups and back-stabbing friends, having General Brazell after me—

JEZ:
Say who now?

YEL:
I killed the man’s son.

JEZ:
A GRUDGE IS HARMFUL TO THE BEARER.

JEZ:
And worse for the one who gets a knife in the back. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

YEL:
Since Criollo—that’s chocolate in your world—is a powerful magical substance, I’ll have to go with sex on this one. [GRINS] Besides, have you seen Valek??

JEZ:
No, but I want to! So, in POISON STUDY, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Maria, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

YEL:
In sync? No way—she tortures me!

JEZ:
Yeah, Creators are damn good at that. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

YEL:
From page one I don’t get a break. When Valek and I finally get together, we’re hiding in a dark, smelly cell, waiting for all the soldiers to leave.

MEL:
WORTH THE WAIT.

YEL:
She had me strangled, poisoned, incarcerated and dealing with illegal magic. And I wouldn’t use the word, sweetie either – more like Maria, you bitch!

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] I so know what you mean. Mine had me shot, screwed with my memories, [BLEEP] me to death and then sent me to Hell and back. Bless me, Creators are evil. If you had your way, what would you change about POISON STUDY?

YEL:
I would not have magic, so I can stay in Ixia with Valek.

JEZ:
If you could make Maria do anything, what would it be?

YEL:
Hello? Did you hear my previous answer?

JEZ:
I know, I know. But there’s a template I have to follow…

YEL:
[SMILES] I would swap places with her so I can sit in that beautiful office her husband built her, with a hot cup of tea, and heap lots and lots of problems on her.

JEZ:
Yeah!

YEL:
Let’s see her get off her butt and climb through the trees while being chased!

JEZ:
Yeah! Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

YEL:
Doctors! They’re great and can heal people, but I would give them the magical power to heal everything!

JEZ:
Ooh. That would give Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” whole new meaning… [COUGHS] If POISON STUDY goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

YEL:
Since I’m way too busy to watch movies or TV, I don’t know any of the popular young actors. But I’ve been talking with a friend and have caught a few episodes of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I think Summer Glau would do a good job of playing me.

JEZ:
Nice. What about Valek?

YEL:
Henry Cavil could play Valek. I also think Brian Austin Green would make a great Valek too.

JEZ:
Yum.

YEL:
They’ll need to wear color contacts, but I’m sure Hollywood won’t have any trouble with that.

JEZ:
Hollywood definitely has its own brand of magic. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] There’s a message here about a public-service announcement.

YEL:
My story is all about empowerment, and not letting yourself become a victim. Doing what it takes to survive. Maria might have tortured me, but I learned how to defend myself and fight. I learned how to pick a lock and not sit around and wait for someone to rescue me. Sure, Valek saved my butt a couple times, but once I learned how to fight, we worked more as a team. Take control and take karate. It’s a great way to build confidence in yourself. And there is always, always hope. Always!

MEL:
HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.

JEZ:
So does this public-service announcement.

YEL:
According to Maria, my story inspired a couple readers. One girl decided NOT to kill herself after reading POISON STUDY. Maria may have won awards for her books and been on the New York Times bestsellers list, but that beautiful living girl is the real prize.

JEZ:
I have to step in here and say that even though suicide is a sin and technically, I should be all about the sin, I absolutely back Yelena on this. Suicide is stupid. It’s much better to choose to live, and show those [BLEEP] who get you down just how fantabulous you are.

MEL:
ALWAYS LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE.

JEZ:
Finally, Yelena, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

YEL:
Doing evil has no real appeal to me.

JEZ:
Not even a teensy little bit?

YEL:
I’d rather be able to curse litterbugs.

JEZ:
Curses count! Yay, you’re evil! Tell us more about the curse!

YEL:
My curse would cover every person who tries to toss trash onto the ground. Instead of falling to the ground, the trash would stick to the person’s body until it decomposes!

JEZ:
[GIGGLES] Bless me, I love it!

YEL:
Imagine someone covered with cigarette butts. Ha!

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

YEL:
Think about it people! How difficult is it to dispose of trash properly? Consider having to deal with poisons, psychopaths and magicians in comparison. Not very difficult is it?

JEZ:
Boys and girls, give a standing O to the star of Maria V. Snyder’s award-winning Study series…Yelena!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Yelena. But it is her Dear Creator, Maria V. Snyder.]

You can get POISON STUDY, MAGIC STUDY and FIRE STUDY at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other bookstores near you. And coming April 28, 2009: STORM GLASS.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.