JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we know of) that is by and about author characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak in clichés and pop-culture references…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
And now, for all of you readers out there who ever wanted to live happily ever after, our next guests could tell you it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Romantic Times, in a 4.5-star top pick review, says “Hines’ strength in his brilliantly plotted, cleverly imaginative book is character concepts and interactions. The action never stops, and the characters are painstakingly real. Readers will laugh and find the tale is over before they’re ready to finish reading.” And Esther Friesner, author of Nobody’s Princess, says: “THE STEPSISTER SCHEME is not your Grandma’s fairy tale. Action, intrigue, romance, action, treachery, and did I mention action? These princesses will give Charlie’s Angels a serious run for the money, and leave ‘em in the dust. Read it!”

Avid Fans, give a standing ovation to the three stars of Jim C. Hines’ latest novel, THE STEPSISTER SCHEME…Danielle De Glas, Snow White, and Talia!

[APPLAUSE]

Welcome, your majesties! What a thrill to have you here!

DANIELLE:
Thank you so much. What a lovely little studio. And so clean, too.

SNOW:
Reminds me a little of my mom’s old place, actually. Not so much the decor, but the demonic feel brings back memories.

TALIA:
[TO SNOW] You had a bizarre childhood.

JEZ:
This is going to be a fun interview! Ladies, if you had to give a one-line description of THE STEPSISTER SCHEME, what would it be?

DANIELLE:
Well, Mr. Hines keeps describing us as “Fairy tale princesses crossed with Charlie’s Angels.”

SNOW:
[SMILES] Of course, some of us are more angelic than others.

TALIA:
The book starts when someone decides to invite her stepsister in for a chat [SLIDES A LOOK AT DANIELLE], never thinking that the stepsister who’s tormented her for most of her life might be planning more than a quick “Congratulations on your wedding!”

DANIELLE:
I wanted to try to fix things between us. And besides, it’s not like I knew they had already kidnapped my husband.

SNOW:
[TO DANIELLE] Don’t listen to Talia. She’s still cranky because Charlotte got the best of her that day.

TALIA:
[GLOWERS]

SNOW:
[BRIGHTLY] Now, if you’d had me and my magic up there, this would have been a short story at best.

TALIA:
[TO SNOW] I remember how well your magic worked when we finally caught up with Stacia and Charlotte. If not for me–

DANIELLE:
[SIGHS] Would you believe they were like this for the whole book?

JEZ:
Heh. This is why I prefer first-person. Less competition. By the way, I love the gown.

DANIELLE:
[BLUSHES] I’m still getting used to all this luxury. Silk and pearls and gold, gowns that cost more than my family earned in a year … to be honest, I was much more comfortable traveling in disguise, just blending in with the crowd.

JEZ:
Anything you wouldn’t be caught dead in?

TALIA:
Pretty much anything from Snow’s wardrobe.

SNOW:
[BLOWS A RASPBERRY] Just because I like the way I look. Though I suppose there are those who appreciate the “armed to the teeth” style you’ve got there. I know a man who would love that little whip you carry. He used to–

DANIELLE:
[TO JEZ] The. Whole. Book.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] So what would you say was the worst thing about your situation in the book? Other than sharing the spotlight?

DANIELLE:
Mr. Hines wanted to stay true to the older stories about us.

MEL:
AGE BEFORE BEAUTY.

JEZ:
[SWEETLY] You mean that Disney doesn’t stay true to the source material? Shocking…

DANIELLE:
If you read the Sleeping Beauty and Snow White stories, you’ll know what Talia and Snow had to endure.

JEZ:
[SMILES] Sweetie, you’re talking to a former demon. Grimm’s Fairy Tales are Hell’s primer books. Up until the happily ever afters, that is.

DANIELLE:
[BLUSHES] The Cinderella tales aren’t quite as bad, but none of us needed to be reminded of those torments.

JEZ:
Like?

DANIELLE:
Snow’s own mother hired a man to cut out Snow’s heart, and Talia–

TALIA:
Say another word, and princess or no, I’ll stuff this entire chair down your throat.

JEZ:
Ooh! Cat fight!

DANIELLE:
[TO TALIA] You know I wouldn’t share your secrets, Talia. I was only going to say you had a harder time than some of the stories make it seem.

JEZ:
Heh. Of course you were. Anything good happen to you in the book?

DANIELLE:
Meeting Snow and Talia and Queen Beatrice. I always dreamed about the kind of family I might have had if my mother had lived, or if my father had married someone else. This … well, it’s not exactly what I imagined.

SNOW:
[ARCHES AN EYEBROW]

DANIELLE:
All right, it’s not even close. But I love these women, and I’m so glad to have found them.

SNOW:
Well, I was going to talk about this cute gnome I met, but how am I supposed to follow that?

JEZ:
Cute gnome? Isn’t that an oxymoron? [GLANCES AT NOTES] Okay, hit me with one ridiculous thing that happens in the book.

TALIA:
Riding a rat.

SNOW:
Troll hair!

DANIELLE:
[SIGHS] Listening to these two arguing while storming a fairy tower.

JEZ:
Okay Danielle, spill. You and Prince Armand. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

DANIELLE:
Preferred positions? Wait, are you talking about–

JEZ:
[WAGGLES EYEBROWS] Yeppers.

DANIELLE:
[HORRIFIED] You can’t ask me that!

SNOW:
[LAUGHS] Poor Danielle. She has so much to learn….

MEL:
IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

JEZ:
But experience is orgasmic.

SNOW:
[TO DANIELLE] You know, I have a number of books, several of which include illustrations. I’d be happy to lend you–

TALIA:
Next question!

JEZ:
Well, if you won’t kiss and tell, at least share your romantic fantasy.

SNOW:
How much time do you have?

JEZ:
For you? All the time in the world.

SNOW:
I was reading about mermaids, and how the women of the royal line secrete a taste into the water during breeding time that drives the entire tribe into a frenzy.

JEZ:
Ooh!

SNOW:
I’m not exactly sure how that would affect humans, but I thought a trip to the beach might be in order. Just me and three or four friends swimming and splashing together….

JEZ:
Did I give you my business card?

MEL:
FOCUS POWER.

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Right. Next question. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

SNOW:
Why is this an either/or question?

JEZ:
[SHRUGS] You’d be amazed by some of the answers I get. So, in THE STEPSISTER SCHEME, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jim, sweetie, what the Hell are you making us do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

DANIELLE:
I wish my stepsisters had chosen differently, but a part of me understands why they made those choices.

TALIA:
[TO DANIELLE] Because they’re evil and more than a little mad? Not to mention being the most spoiled bitches I’ve ever had the good fortune to pummel?

DANIELLE:
[PRIMLY] The point is, we did what we had to do in order to stop them.

SNOW:
Everything worked out, so why dwell on it? If I spent all of my time thinking about things I’d change, everything from that silly apple to that fling I had with Prince Armand, I’d–

DANIELLE:
[SPLUTTERS] What? Armand never said anything about that…When did you–

SNOW:
[WINKS] Gotcha.

JEZ:
Um, princess, put the sword down please. If you had your way, what would you change about THE STEPSISTER SCHEME?

SNOW:
I’d get some foil on the cover. I love the embossing, but I think a little gold and silver trim would make the whole thing perfect.

TALIA:
Some of the villains got what they deserved at the end of the story. Some, but not all. I’d love an extra chapter that gives me an hour in a locked room with the rest.

JEZ:
Ooh. Violence. Yum! If you could make Jim do anything, what would it be?

TALIA:
Jim needs to hurry up and finish our third book, RED HOOD’S REVENGE. He left me in a very uncomfortable place at the end of chapter four, and if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll wrap things up without any more unpleasant surprises.

DANIELLE:
[TO TALIA] I’m sure Mr. Hines knows what he’s doing.

SNOW:
[TO DANIELLE] You think so? Have you seen his first drafts?

JEZ:
Must be a Creator thing. Jackie’s first drafts are scary. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

DANIELLE:
[SMILES] I feel so fortunate. I had a mother who loved me, who was able to stay with me even after her death, and who helped me to meet a wonderful man and discover a new family. I wish more people could have those gifts.

TALIA:
[TO JEZ] And she was like that for the whole book.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

SNOW:
[TO TALIA] Danielle’s a sweet girl, that’s all. A few more books with you, and I’m sure she’ll be drinking and grumbling and beating up everything in her way.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. What about in the publishing world? What would you change?

SNOW:
More books! When I first came to Lorindar, I spent months hiding away in the royal library. There’s nothing in the world better than the feel of a good, long, hard … book in your hands.

JEZ:
Heh.

DANIELLE:
We need more support for independent bookstores, the ones who are competing with the industry giants and struggling to keep their dreams alive. The world needs those cozy stores, where a purring cat greets you at the door and the staff are so full of love and passion for their books.

TALIA:
[ROLLS EYES] The. Whole. Book.

JEZ:
So, there’s rumors of THE STEPSISTER SCHEME going Hollywood. Care to comment?

DANIELLE:
If we’ve learned anything from Mr. Hines’ book, it’s that you can’t believe every story you hear.

SNOW:
I think it would be fun. Mickey could play one of Danielle’s rats, and Tinkerbell could be the drunk pixie from chapter eight.

TALIA:
The rumors have tripled Hines’ web site hits, so he’s not complaining. I’m just waiting to see who they pick to play me.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

TALIA:
When I was born, I received certain “gifts” from the local fairies, but there was one who cursed me to die on my 16th birthday. Can these powers help me find that fairy, if she’s still alive?

JEZ:
Yeppers.

TALIA:
Let’s talk after this interview is over.

DANIELLE:
[TO TALIA] Talia, you can’t. My stepsisters had the chance to use “spiffy” evil powers, and look what it did to them.

TALIA:
[TO DANIELLE] Look what they did to us! Besides, your stepsisters are idiots.

JEZ:
[GIGGLES] Well put! Mel, rustle up the paperwork, would you?

Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the stars of Jim C. Hines’ fabulous THE STEPSISTER SCHEME, Danielle, Snow and Talia!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Danielle. Or Snow. Or Talia. But it is their Dear Creator, Jim C. Hines.]

You can get THE STEPSISTER SCHEME at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.