JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we know of) that’s run completely by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak in clichés and pop culture references…the Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
If the supernatural doesn’t kill our next guest, paperwork certainly will. Says Romantic Times: “In this next chapter of the offbeat adventures of psychometrist Simon Canderous, Strout returns to the concealed world of the supernatural hiding in plain sight in New York. One of his strengths is his ability to create a sympathetic character and show Simon’s wacky world through his woefully overworked eyes.” Green Man Review says “Really, this is good stuff, and a great read.” And Urban Fantasy Land calls DEADER STILL “a fun, interesting and witty read.”

Boys and girls, give a standing ovation to a very daring, very adorable return guest to Cat and Muse…the star of Anton Strout’s DEAD TO ME and DEADER STILL…Simon Canderous!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Simon!

SIMON:
[RAISES BAT, STARTLED] Oh…hello. [LOWERS BAT TENTATIVELY] You two again.

JEZ:
Been a while, sweetie. How’s things with you since we last spoke?

SIMON:
Well, let’s just say that for me to get all full-fledged in the Fraternal Order of Goodness, I had to get lowered into a magical oubliette, where I was forced to survive whatever peril was launched at me with whatever limited weaponry was selected.

JEZ:
See, the problem is the whole “goodness” thing. Evil would never lower you into a magical oubliette.

MEL:
THROW HIM IN HEAD FIRST.

JEZ:
Hush, Muse. I’m working here. Simon, what was the peril you had to survive?

SIMON:
You ever been stuck in a well, neck deep in rats?

JEZ:
Hmm. No, can’t say as I have.

SIMON:
Not pretty, especially with all the biting and gnawing going on.

JEZ:
Heh. Now, I can relate to biting. And gnawing. And…well, I’m getting ahead of myself. What would you say DEADER STILL is about? The hook, if you will.

SIMON:
Man with bat wants to do Good. I think that covers it…?

JEZ:
I’m telling you, you should do Evil. Preferably, multiple times a day. Now, about this big…bat…of yours…

SIMON:
[BLUSHES] Ah. [QUICKLY] Actually, another thing about DEADER STILL. It’s been about 737 days since the last vampiric incursion in NYC.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] About 737 days?

SIMON:
[NODS] But when a boatload of dead lawyers show up on the Hudson River, it looks like that streak may be over.

JEZ:
So are vampires the worst thing that happens to you in DEADER STILL?

SIMON:
[LAUGHS] Not even close.

JEZ:
So spill. What’s the worst thing?

SIMON:
Have you seen my desk?

JEZ:
Um. No.

SIMON:
Me, either. That’s the point. It’s buried in a mountain of paperwork. I can’t file a simple ghost spotting without filling out the same form three times, as well as the filling out another report saying I just filled out a ghost spotting report. [SHAKES HEAD] Way too much paperwork!

JEZ:
Huh. Maybe there’s not that much difference between Good and Evil after all…

SIMON:
Anyone got a lighter?

JEZ:
Heh. By the way, congrats on another yummy book cover.

SIMON:
Thanks! According to the book covers, I have these neat little electric bolts shooting out of my fingers. [GRINS] That’s kind of keen, although my power is a little more subtle than that in real life.

JEZ:
I think it’s keen that the book covers show you looking like Jerry McConnell. [DREAMY SIGH] But I see you don’t dress like Jerry.

SIMON:
I’m pretty much wearing the outfit I expect to be found dead in.

JEZ:
Jeans, Resident Evil t-shirt, and a black leather coat?

SIMON:
Of the Angel variety. I love that show. And the leather’s pretty good at protecting me against things that like to claw at me, but offers me some mobility when running away.

JEZ:
Speaking of clawing at you…what’s the sitch on your love life? [WAGGLES EYEBROWS]

SIMON:
Remember that temp from the cultists office that was supposed to kill me in DEAD TO ME?

JEZ:
Yeah. Jane. The milksop blond-haired, blue-eyed all-American girl who can’t hold a candle compared to a succubus with 4,000 years of sexual skills. I remember her.

SIMON:
Yeah, well, we’re kinda dating.

JEZ:
Oh. How nice for you.

MEL:
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE…

JEZ:
So tell me, who wears the pants in your little romance? Is she on top? Or is it all you, sweetie?

SIMON:
I’m not really one to kiss and tell.

JEZ:
Of course not.

SIMON:
[GRINS] But let’s just say Jane more than passes her equivalency test in the Love Division.

JEZ:
Uh huh. So, given how equivalent your sweetheart is, what’s the big fantasy that spurs you onto new romantic heights?

SIMON:
I’m a simple man. I’d just love a quiet night where my powers don’t trigger off my girlfriend, no one calls in a zombie threat down in Chinatown, and Jane and I get to sleep in late.

JEZ:
How…equivalent.

MEL:
YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD. I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.

JEZ:
[GLARES AT MELPOMENE]

SIMON:
Yes, we’d sleep in late, because we’re barely able to walk from the previous night of horizontal hokey-poking. That’s my romantic fantasy.

JEZ:
How…lovely. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

SIMON:
One good thing about living near Greenwich Village: there’s this shop that sells a wide variety of edible panties…

JEZ:
[PERKS UP] Oh?

SIMON:
I’ve said too much.

JEZ:
Of course you haven’t! After the show, perhaps you’ll show me where the store is? And we can sample the inventory…?

MEL:
FOCUS POWER.

JEZ:
I swear, Muse, you’re no fun at all. Simon, were you any more in sync with Anton Strout in DEADER STILL than you were in DEAD TO ME? Or is he still putting you through the ringer, like all Dear Creators seem to prefer?

SIMON:
Let’s get something straight. I’m NEVER in sync with that madman running the show. It’s trauma after trauma after trauma that he throws at me.

JEZ:
It’s a Creator thing. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

SIMON:
[NODS] Dude should be locked up. I’ve got the perfect little oubliette out there to throw him in, too.

JEZ:
Perfect! If you had your way, what would you change about DEADER STILL?

SIMON:
Look, I know I don’t really have a lot of experience with women, thanks to my psychometric touch. [SHOWS JEZEBEL HIS GLOVED HANDS] But it would be nice to not feel this insane high-school level of jealousy once things start going good, you know?

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

SIMON:
It’s like every guy I see talking to Jane, I think they want her and I want to beat them with my bat. I gotta get a grip on my HULK SMASH attitude, you know?

JEZ:
Mmm. Alpha male. Yum! If you could make Anton do anything, what would it be?

SIMON:
That Strout guy needs to get LAID.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

SIMON:
I mean, how frustrated must a guy be to rain all this [BLEEP] down on me?

JEZ:
Bless me, that’s the funniest answer I’ve gotten in a long time. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

SIMON:
I wish there were less things in the real world that went bump in the night. Humanity needs a break, especially all the normal people out there.

JEZ:
Good point. What about in the publishing world?

SIMON:
I think they should pay that Strout guy a little more. Maybe he’d stop taking it out on me and getting my ass kicked so much if he were happier by way of financial compensation.

JEZ:
Doubtful. Creators just have a stick up their butts. Let’s see. We did the Hollywood question in the previous interview. But maybe you’ve changed your mind about this one: if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

SIMON:
[SIGHS] Listen, lady. I don’t do the Evil thing, remember? I’m a member in good standing with the Fraternal Order of Goodness. It’s against my nature.

MEL:
METHINKS THE MAN DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH.

JEZ:
For serious.

SIMON:
Not that I’m an angelic goodie two-shoes, mind you. But Evil ain’t on my dance card.

JEZ:
Heh. We’ll just have to keep on testing you, won’t we? [WINKS]

Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot round of applause for the scrumptious, sexy stud of Anton Strout’s DEAD TO ME and DEADER STILL…Simon Canderous!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Simon Canderous. But it is his Dear Creator, Anton Strout. Sorta. In "Get Offa My Lawn" mode.]

You can get DEAD TO ME and DEADER STILL at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, love your inner demon.