JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we know of) that’s run by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the cliché-speaking, pop-culture-referencing producer of Cat and Muse…the Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse would be the first to tell you that leather and latex are tres overkill on vampires. Bitten by Books says that “ROAD TRIP [OF THE LIVING DEAD] is a fantastic read and you will not be disappointed.” ParaNormal Romance says: “Mr. Henry does an outstanding job with this follow-up to his debut novel.” And Romantic Times declares in its four-star review: “Henry has dark and raunchy comedy nailed!”

Nailed? Ooh. I love getting nailed. Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the uber-sexy, uber-undead vampire in Mark Henry’s ROAD TRIP OF THE LIVING DEAD…Gil!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Gil!

GIL:
Hello. Lovely to meet you.

JEZ:
Thanks, sweetie. Likewise. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] ROAD TRIP, from what I hear, is about celebrity zombies on the lam, luxury resurrection services, ghostly hood ornaments, elder gods with speech impediments, shaman gangstas, an Ozzie and Harriet family from the pit of Hell, a masochist named Fishhook, and Hindu goddesses farming hallucinogenic mushrooms.

GIL:
And one mother-effin’ sexy vampire. [GRINS] That’d be me.

JEZ:
Heh. With all that going on, what could possibly be bad?

GIL:
Being on the road doesn’t really gel with the whole aversion to light thing.

JEZ:
Ouch.

MEL:
HELLO, DARKNESS, MY OLD FRIEND.

GIL:
I’m stuck in the [BLEEP] RV john through half of the trip. It sucked.

JEZ:
A vampire joke!

GIL:
[GLARES] You try traveling vamp-style. Gone are the days when you just pack up a steamer trunk and set sail on moonlight cruises.

JEZ:
Alas. So daylight is the worst thing that happens to you in the book?

GIL:
Um…[TAPS CHIN] The worst thing is that this guy, the Beaver King, is hunting me with his weregoons.

JEZ:
Beaver. King. [BLINKS] Really?

GIL:
I don’t mean Beaver King in a fantasy kind of way.

JEZ:
[GRINS] Of course you don’t.

GIL:
I probably shouldn’t have let that ghost piss on him the night I vamped him for cash. Probably not the smartest decision I’ve made.

JEZ:
Sounds fairly ridiculous, sweetie.

GIL:
There’s nothing NOT ridiculous about my situation. Or anyone’s in the whole story. It’s insane.

MEL:
CRAZY LIKE A FOX.

JEZ:
So does anything good happen to you in ROAD TRIP? Or does it all suck? And not in the yummy blood-filled goodness sort of way?

GIL:
[GRINS] Occasionally, I get out of the box and get to meet new friends and then tap them. I mean, unless they’re family.

JEZ:
Tapping: a game the whole family can enjoy.

GIL:
I can’t wait for everyone to meet Honey. She’s a sweetheart…once you wrestle the gun away from her.

JEZ:
Sounds precious.

GIL:
Oh, wait. I changed my mind. The best thing about being locked up so frequently is not having to listen to Amanda and Wendy’s bickering. That’s a welcome reprieve.

JEZ:
Amanda was on the show last year. That was fun. The girl knows a thing or two about fashion.

GIL:
[ROLLS EYES]

JEZ:
I’m sensing you have a thing or two to say on the subject. What’s your favorite outfit?

GIL:
I’ve got this awesome Jil Sander suit in gunmetal that really frames my body well. Definitely my favorite.

JEZ:
What wouldn’t you be caught dead in?

GIL:
Running shorts. The kind with the slits up to the waistband? What are those even about?

JEZ:
Don’t ask me; I always thought those were stripper outfits. Okay, spill. You and your [BLEEP] buddy. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

GIL:
I’m definitely a top. In fact, give the book a read, and you might just catch me plugging one of my taps.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

GIL:
[SMILES] Just sayin’.

JEZ:
What’s your romantic fantasy?

GIL:
Hmm. Romance.

JEZ:
Come on, don’t say it like that.

GIL:
I do enjoy it from time to time. A smoky piano bar, a bottle of Megan Fox and a hot stranger.

JEZ:
Ooh!

MEL:
[PUTS ON BARRY WHITE CD]

GIL:
After the niceties and obligatory question and answer period, we’d proceed back to his place for some hot hole pounding…

JEZ:
His place? Not yours?

GIL:
He’s not coming back to my place. I hardly know the guy.

JEZ:
[NODS] Wise.

GIL:
And here’s a secret: I like for my lovers to suck on my fingers while I’m nailing them. Just wrap my hands around his face from behind, and feel his tongue on the tips of my fingers…the tiny sucking…

JEZ:
Mmm.

GIL:
Mmm.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

GIL:
Uh…sex. [EYES JEZEBEL] Are you kidding?

JEZ:
[SHRUGS] Sweetie, you’d be surprised by some of the answers I get. So, in ROAD TRIP OF THE LIVING DEAD, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Mark, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

GIL:
I’m not sure what that guy’s been telling everyone, but he’s just a ghostwriter.

JEZ:
Heh. I’m sure.

GIL:
Amanda writes all this [BLEEP] down and then feeds it to him like candy.

JEZ:
Sounds like a good support system.

GIL:
The sniveling [BLEEP] is probably working on the next one right now. Which, I’ll have you know, features a Gil love triangle.

JEZ:
Bless me, no!

GIL:
[WAGGLES EYEBROWS] Oh yeah. BATTLE OF THE NETWORK ZOMBIES. Make a note.

JEZ:
Duly noted. Love the plug. If you had your way, what would you change about ROAD TRIP OF THE LIVING DEAD?

GIL:
More me, less annoying zombie bitches.

JEZ:
Hah! If you could make Mark do anything, what would it be?

GIL:
Well, this is a bit of a secret.

JEZ:
You can trust me, sweetie. Just speak clearly into the microphone.

GIL:
I’m having Mark outline a proposal for my own standalone memoir, set in the early years of my creation, the hedonistic 70s. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] At least, he better be.

JEZ:
Sounds delicious! Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

GIL:
Nope. I’m good.

JEZ:
What about in the publishing world?

GIL:
I know somebody needs to buy a Gil book.

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES]

GIL:
That’s it.

JEZ:
If ROAD TRIP OF THE LIVING DEAD goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

GIL:
I was watching Quarantine the other night—the zombie one in the apartment building—and I kind of think I look like Jay Hernandez. He’d be good.

JEZ:
Nice. What about Wendy?

GIL:
Wendy totally looks like Evan Rachel Wood. So that’s a no-brainer.

JEZ:
And what about the narrator of HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED and ROAD TRIP OF THE LIVING DEAD? Who’d play Amanda Feral?

GIL:
Amanda’s tricky. [PURSES LIPS] I’ll go with Jessica Biel. Though older, obviously.

JEZ:
Heh. Don’t tell Amanda that.

GIL:
By the way… [GRABS MICROPHONE] If you want to catch Amanda’s ghostwriter, Mark Henry, he’s going on “tour,” or something. It’s probably on his website. Though I can’t imagine why that’d be interesting.

JEZ:
Humans can be surprising. Last question: If you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

GIL:
You asked Amanda this too.

JEZ:
I did. It’s in the contract.

GIL:
I don’t remember what she said—frankly, sometimes when she’s venting, I tune her out entirely. But here’s what I say: evil or not, who cares?

JEZ:
Ah, I love it when there’s no moral ambiguity…

GIL:
In fact, I’m not even sure there’s a distinction. Humans do worse than any demon, vampire or zombie ever could on a daily basis.

JEZ:
Especially in bed.

Boys and girls, give another huge round of applause to the vampiest vampire in all the literary world…one of Mark Henry’s amazing characters…the vampire Gil!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't the vampire Gil. But it is his Dear Creator, the inimitable Mark Henry.]

You can buy HAPPY HOUR OF THE DAMNED and ROAD TRIP OF THE LIVING DEAD at Barnes and Noble, Borders, University Bookstore, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent booksellers, Amazon, and fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.