JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we know of) that is by and about author characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak in clichés and pop-culture references…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest is probably the nicest undead girl you’ll ever meet. “Hysterical laughs are the hallmark of this enchanting paranormal debut,” raves Publishers Weekly in a starred review. “Harper keeps the quips coming without overdoing the sarcasm, and her take on vampire lore will intrigue and entertain even the most jaded paranormal fan.”

Jaded? That’s me to a T…oh, no, sorry. I thought that was “jade,” not “jaded.” [COUGHS] And lookie: NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS is a Romantic Times Top Pick! The review says, “Jane is an everygirl with a wonderful sense of humor and quick sarcasm. Add in the mystery and the romance and you have your next must-read novel!”

Avid Fans, please say hello to the star of Molly Harper’s debut novel…Jane Jameson!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Jane!

JANE:
Hey everybody. I’m happy to be here. Molly rarely lets me interact with people besides her. Probably because I live inside her head…

JEZ:
So I’m hearing fabulous things about NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS. How would you sum up the novel? What’s the oooooh about the book?

JANE:
Girl gets fired, gets hammered, meets boy, gets mistaken for deer, gets shot, gets turned into a vampire.

JEZ:
There’s a whole lot of getting going on.

JANE:
[GRINS] I’m a librarian, not a grammarian.

JEZ:
Heh. Given all the getting without any of the begating, what would you say is the worst thing that happens to you?

JANE:
Having to lie to my parents and pretend that I’m still human. I’m a terrible liar. There’s a lot of stuttering and involuntary eyelid-fluttering involved.

JEZ:
[GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] Huh. I thought that in your cannon, vampires aren’t a dirty little secret.

JANE:
[SIGHS] Even though people say they don’t have a problem with vampires coming out of the coffin and living among them, I just don’t trust the people in my small Kentucky town not to show up on my front lawn with, say, pitchforks and torches.

JEZ:
See, here’s where you have to be creative. Pitchforks, torches and evil humans? Think barbecue.

MEL:
[NODS] WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.

JANE:
[BLUSHES] My parents have enough to deal with, what with the “spinster daughter fired in an embarrassing, very public manner” thing. I just don’t think they’re ready to join the Friends and Family Of The Undead just yet.

JEZ:
So does it completely suck to be you? I swear, no vampire joke intended…

JANE:
My story–because I’m not pretentious enough to call it my “journey”–is about living in my hometown, where I’ve lived since birth, as a completely different person. Nothing is the same. For example, my pre-vampire social life was pretty much limited to my childhood best friend, Zeb. But I’ve met so many great people since being turned into a vampire. There’s Gabriel Nightengale, my tall, dark and yummy vampire sire.

JEZ:
Ooh!

JANE:
Exactly. And there’s Dick Cheney.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] The former Vice President?

JANE:
No. The vampire. Serves at the local center for not-quite-legitimate commerce.

JEZ:
Ah.

JANE:
And then there’s Jolene McClaine, Zeb’s new girlfriend, who has some supernatural issues of her own to deal with. [SMILES] I didn’t think of myself as lonely before, but now, I’m grateful to have such a big, weird surrogate family.

JEZ:
You know…sweetie, forgive me, but I have to ask. You don’t strike me as the usual vampy vampire. More of a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl than a vixen in leather.

JANE:
[LAUGHS] Why is it that as soon as vampires are turned, they start hating cows? I didn’t like pants that left me with a permanent wedgie before I died. I’m pretty sure I won’t start anytime soon.

JEZ:
So…why were you turned into a vampire?

JANE:
I was mistaken for a deer and shot by drunk-driving hunter.

JEZ:
Is this another Dick Cheney reference?

JANE:
[SHRUGS] My author has a distinct sense of the perverse.

JEZ:
Any other examples? I don’t suppose your lair isn’t observable on Google Earth…

JANE:
Hmm… it would be pretty cool to have a lair. I have to settle for a Civil War era farmhouse. It’s not exactly the Batcave.

JEZ:
Heh. Come on, dish. What else does your Dear Creator do to you that’s perverse?

JANE:
How am I humiliated by Molly’s evil brain? Let me count the ways. I get my ass kicked on my first night out as a vampire by Walter, who spends his time selling pirated Knight Rider DVDs from his trunk. And then Walter is locked in his truck and set on fire, and I become the prime suspect in his murder.

JEZ:
Hmm.

JANE:
And I find work as a telemarketer.

JEZ:
Bingo!

JANE:
I haven’t decided which is scarier.

JEZ:
Sweetie…no contest. Switching gears. You and Gabriel. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

JANE:
There’s a bit of tussling involved, so there’s rarely an established top. [PAUSES] Why did I become British all of the sudden?

JEZ:
Heh. What’s your romantic fantasy?

JANE:
Is it wrong that it involves Gabriel and Dick?

JEZ:
[SMILES] Anything that involves dick isn’t wrong…

JANE:
Nice. [LAUGHS] It involves Gabriel and Dick coming over to clean my windows and fix my roof.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Er. Is fixing your roof a euphemism? See, if it were fixing your box, that might make more sense…

JANE:
You’ll know when I’m using naughty entendres!

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] Duly noted.

JANE:
I’m a woman living alone in a 150-year-old house. I would find them doing repairs pretty romantic.

JEZ:
Ah.

JANE:
[BRIGHTLY] They could be naked when they do it, if that makes it more graphic.

JEZ:
Ooh! Okay, yes! Which is better: sex or chocolate?

JANE:
Well, I’ve had some really bad sex, but I’ve never had bad chocolate. So… there you go.

JEZ:
Well put.

JANE:
Plus, I’m a vampire, so my diet is now sadly lacking in chocolate.

JEZ:
Alas.

JANE:
If there was a just and merciful deity in control of the universe—namely, not Molly—my last meal would not have consisted of Mudslides and potato skins.

JEZ:
Speaking of just and merciful deities…in NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Molly, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

JANE:
Again, there is an unfortunate incident in which I take a job as a telemarketer. I have a feeling Molly was just using me as way to vent her post-traumatic feelings about her own two-week stint as a telemarketer in college. It would explain why the responses from my potential customers were so accurately hurtful.

MEL:
WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW.

JEZ:
[TO MEL] Easy for you to say. You know about shtupping poets and playwrites.

JANE:
Ooh! Are you allowed to name names? Because I’ve always wondered if those Elizabethan playwrites were trying to compensate for something by wearing those big lacy collars.

JEZ:
[SINGSONGS] I’ll never tell…

JANE:
Anyway, I demanded a sexy smooching scene with Gabriel immediately following the telemarketing trauma, to make up for my pain and suffering.

JEZ:
Agreed!

JANE:
And I could have lived without the inquisition at the Cracker Barrel.

JEZ:
The say what now?

JANE:
That, you will just have to read for yourself.

JEZ:
Heh. Touche.

JANE:
Like I said, Molly is a perverse, occasionally sadistic, writer.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS?

JANE:
I wish there could be hilarious antics that didn’t involve me making a complete jackass out of myself.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

JANE:
If I couldn’t have that, would it be too much to ask for Christian Bale to show up in full Batman gear? There wouldn’t have to be a plotting reason for it. It would just make me happy.

JEZ:
And it’s important to be happy. If you could make Molly do anything, what would it be?

JANE:
I would let Molly fall on her face a couple of times, since she thinks it’s so freaking funny. Seriously, do you know how many times she re-wrote the “Jane falls face down in a ditch” paragraph for maximum humiliation?

JEZ:
I’m afraid to ask.

JANE:
Five. Five times! And can you tell me why it was necessary to let me get mistaken for a deer and shot?

JEZ:
Maybe to allow Christian Bale nurse you back to health?

JANE:
[SIGHS HAPPILY]

JEZ:
If NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

JANE:
I’m so glad you asked! When Molly writes, she finds it helpful to imagine actors playing out the scenes in her head. She was watching The Office a lot when she started writing the book, so I share some characteristics with Jenna Fischer. I think Jenna has just the right amount of humor and approachability to play me.

JEZ:
That’s sweet. How about Gabriel? Do I sense John Krasinski?

JANE:
[LAUGHS] Aw. That would be so cute. “Jim” acting all sexy and mysterious. And then Rainn Wilson could play Dick.

JEZ:
And we have a winner!

JANE:
Actually, Gerard Butler would play Gabriel, because Molly is slightly obsessed with him.

JEZ:
What about Dick Cheney—the vampire, not the former Vice President?

JANE:
Josh Holloway, Sawyer from Lost, is the only man alive with the smirky, sexy charm needed to play Dick.

JEZ:
[GIGGLES] Bless me, I just bet he is.

JANE:
[BLUSHES] Pay no attention to the way I am blushing right now! It’s just a trick of light!

MEL:
THAT’S HER STORY, AND SHE’S STICKING WITH IT.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

JANE:
Well, Molly created vampires with weird powers, like being able to find lost objects or talk to squirrels.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with talking to squirrels…

JANE:
I like my power, which is being able to read humans’ minds. Some humans… some of the time.

JEZ:
That’s nice…

JANE:
But I guess if I was really going to go all evil and powerful, I would want to be able to create illusions, like Candace on Heroes.

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

JANE:
Think about how much easier life would be if you could make people see what you wanted them to.

JEZ:
Hmm. Yeah, okay. I get that.

JANE:
Or…[WICKEDLY] I would want the power to strike my Mama and Grandma Ruthie mute.

JEZ:
Oh? Why?

JANE:
I have my reasons.

JEZ:
Hah! Cue evil music! Jane, thank you so much for joining us!

JANE:
This has been great. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to talk to readers.

JEZ:
Avid Fans, once again, give a huge round of applause for the star of Molly Harper’s debut novel, NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS…Jane Jameson!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Jane Jameson. But it is her very nice, very talented Creator, Molly Harper.]

You can get NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, love your inner demon!