JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome back to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk radio show (that we know of) that’s by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy…producer of Cat and Muse, the cliché-speaking, pop-culture referencing Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
I was all sorts of giddy when we scheduled this next interview for Cat and Muse. Our wonderful guest has been a very busy vampire since she was first BITTEN & SMITTEN. What’s she been up to lately? Romantic Times says: “Über-talented Rowen is back and once again combining the weird and the wacky as only she can. There’s plenty of humor and a touch of danger; truly a biting good time!” And from LovesVampires.com: “Be warned if reading in public that outbreaks of spontaneous laughter are likely. STAKES & STILETTOS is the strongest book of the series so far and is recommended reading for romance fans. Hugely good fun!”

MEL:
REQUIRED READING.

JEZ:
Damn straight. “Michelle Rowen’s books never fail to thrill,” declares Bitten by Books: “STAKES & STILETTOS is delightfully charming and keeps the wonderful mixture of tongue-in-cheek (is that tongue-in-fang?) humor and well-fleshed-out plot that made her earlier books so entertaining. The story keeps you guessing, always twisting in unexpected ways.”

Boys and girls, give a standing O to the star of Michelle Rowen’s amazing Immortality Bites series…the fanged and fabulous Sarah Dearly!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Sarah!

SARAH:
Hey there! Thanks for having me as a guest today. I appreciate it!

JEZ:
So glad you could join us! [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] If you had to sum up what’s happening with you in STAKES & STILETTOS, what would you say the book’s about?

SARAH:
Okay, let me think… uh… It’s about me trying to be a normal, happy vampire and failing miserably when I attend my high school reunion and get cursed to want to suck everybody’s blood within a hundred mile radius. More than I normally do.

JEZ:
Wow. See, I would have said that the high school reunion thing would be a curse in and of itself. But you’re talking about a literal curse, right? Either of the witch or gypsy variety?

SARAH:
[SIGHS] Never pick on anyone in high school. You never know when they’ll grow up to be a psychotic witch who’s mastered the black arts and go all revenge happy and try to ruin your life just because they can.

MEL:
[NODS] A WORD TO THE WISE.

JEZ:
Ouch. Talk a little about the curse. Do you, like, get warts all over your body? Or maybe you suddenly have no sex drive? [SHUDDERS]

SARAH:
The curse makes me into a “nightwalker.”

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

SARAH:
Those are the nasty, evil vamps back in the day that originally made hunters start carving those unfriendly wooden stakes.

JEZ:
Ah.

SARAH:
Everything people think about vampires – the undead thing, the evil thing, the “sunlight will kill you” thing – that’s nightwalkers, not vampires. And in the book, that’s the experience I get to have.

JEZ:
Evil? Come on. Like that’s so bad.

SARAH:
[SNORTS] Imagine going outside for two seconds and ending up with a sunburn from hell.

JEZ:
Been there. Done that.

SARAH:
Oh, well I guess that’s true. But imagine wanting to chomp your best friend’s neck when they get too close.

JEZ:
Now, when you say “chomp,” that’s not a euphemism for “suck,” right? Because a little necking between friends can be kinda nice…

SARAH:
Uh, no, it’s not nice. MY LIFE IS RUINED.

JEZ:
Aw. [PATS SARAH’S HAND]

SARAH:
I have no idea why some people laugh at this. It’s the worst tragedy of my life. Even more than when a bad blind date couldn’t keep his fangs to himself, which is what turned me into a vamp in the first place.

JEZ:
Anything redeeming about the whole nightwalker thing?

SARAH:
Well, there really isn’t much that’s good about it. But if I had to pick something…when I’m in “nightwalker-mode,” I stop overthinking everything. I’m not paranoid. I’m not naïve. And I get all sexy, practically throwing my master vampire boyfriend down on any flat surface and having my way with him.

JEZ:
[PAUSES] And this is a curse again why?

SARAH:
[CLEARS THROAT] I think he kind of likes that, even though it scares him a bit.

JEZ:
What scares him about it?

SARAH:
My nightwalker brings out his dark side too. If there weren’t all the potential victims around us, plus lots of angst to deal with, we might be having a really good time.

JEZ:
Ah. Angst and ethics. A deadly combo.

SARAH:
Dude, the whole thing is ridiculous. I’m not saying that I blame my author or anything—[GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]—but that bitch seriously has it in for me. From the first moment we met.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

SARAH:
She keeps putting me in these crazy, dangerous situations and you know what? Sometimes I have to make questionable choices. Like walking through parks at night. Alone. Or down dark alleys. [SNIFFS] I cannot be held responsible for these seemingly T.S.T.L. actions.

JEZ:
Okay, let’s talk about some fun things. First, fashion. What’s the modern cursed vampire wearing these days?

SARAH:
Recently, I lost my entire wardrobe when my apartment was bombed by vampire hunters. So I’ve been slowly replenishing as best I can on a crap budget.

JEZ:
Wow, you weren’t kidding. Your Dear Creator really does hate you.

SARAH:
[NODS] She really does. But as far as clothing, I like to be fairly fashionable, a nice mix of casual and dressy, depending on the occasion.

JEZ:
What wouldn’t you be caught dead—or undead—in?

SARAH:
I used to say I’d never wear “sensible” shoes, but since stilettos are damn hard to run (for my life) in, I’ve had to make some adjustments. It’s been very difficult, not to mention very unflattering to my ankles.

JEZ:
Ack. Poor Sarah. Okay, spill. You and Thierry. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

SARAH:
Wow, you’re nosy.

JEZ:
Uh huh.

SARAH:
You’re a succubus, right?

JEZ:
Uh huh.

SARAH:
Can’t you use your imagination? Does everything have to be about sex with you demons?

JEZ:
Uh huh.

SARAH:
I have a friend, Amy, and all she ever wants to know is about my sex life. It’s like, subscribe to Cinemax, okay? Grandmas and teenagers read my memoirs.

JEZ:
Heh.

SARAH:
Honestly, I prefer staying in my very PG, family-friendly world. Well, except for a couple moments in my latest adventures, but hey, me and Thierry have been together for three books, so a few extra details are a-okay. Next question, please!

JEZ:
All righty. What’s your romantic fantasy?

SARAH:
Okay, this is going to sound pretty lame, but my major happy-place fantasy is a dream wedding.

JEZ:
Deets, please.

SARAH:
My perfect, dove-infested, confetti-drenched church wedding with a big-ass expensive Vera Wang dress and decidedly not sensible stilettos. Family and friends in attendance — both human and vampire. And Thierry waiting for me at the front of the church in a gorgeous Armani tuxedo, smiling — a rare expression for him, but because of the occasion I’m sure he could summon up a happy face — as he watches me walk toward him. Traditional vows, a nice three-carat rock on my finger, a honeymoon in Tahiti, and all is well with the world.

JEZ:
Mmm. Tahiti.

SARAH:
[GRINS] Whew. I need a cigarette. That was a good one.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

SARAH:
[ARCHES EYEBROW] Geez, you’re a horny little devil with these questions, aren’t you? Somebody needs to buy some new batteries for their electronic boyfriend, methinks.

JEZ:
Is it my fault I keep breaking the blessed things?

SARAH:
Okay, well, this one is actually easy. Some vamps can eat. But some vamps can’t, and they end up hurling whatever they try to chow down on all over their new cashmere sweater.

JEZ:
Speaking from experience?

SARAH:
I’ll never tell. [CLEARS THROAT] I’m the unlucky kind — big effing surprise — who can’t eat. Therefore, my darling old friend chocolate is off the menu. Which, of course, leaves me with door number two.

JEZ:
For you, sweetie, I will stay away from the obvious rear-entry joke. So, in STAKES & STILETTOS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Michelle, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

SARAH:
I loathe Rowen. Loathe her. She has been extremely cruel to me and isn’t finished yet. But the funniest thing is I can totally control her.

JEZ:
Really?

SARAH:
[NODS] She tells me I’m her most difficult character ever, because she’s worked with me for so long I’ve developed this independent and stubborn personality. If she tries to get me to do something I totally disagree with, I refuse to budge.

JEZ:
Like what?

SARAH:
In BITTEN & SMITTEN, the first book in my memoirs, she had plans to kill Thierry and have me end up with Quinn. It was in her freaking outline. And I said, hello? KILL THIERRY, AND YOU, TOO, WILL DIE, WRITER GIRL. I don’t care if he was an emotionless jerk and we were barely in that particular book all that much together considering it’s in the romance section. I LOVE HIM. And you know what? If I hadn’t done that, there wouldn’t be a series of books about my life, there would just be one!

JEZ:
[LAUGHING] So your stubbornness is better for your Dear Creator’s bottom line.

SARAH:
Me and Quinn probably would have lived happily ever after, and I wouldn’t have had to deal with five books of torture, pain, angst, and curses. [PAUSES] Oh…wait a minute. Hmm…

JEZ:
Okay, I have to ask. Thierry over Quinn? Why?

SARAH:
I’m asked this a lot. It’s kind of like that Team Edward or Team Jacob thing…only, you know, with a lot fewer people who give a damn.

JEZ:
No, really. Why?

SARAH:
I can only say it comes down to the fact that Thierry is my opposite, and opposites attract. Quinn and I had a lot in common, even though he was originally a vampire hunter — and there was that friend vibe there. When he wasn’t trying to kill me, of course. And that vibe got in the way of true romance for me. Thierry’s that strange mix of standoffish and protective that just does it for me. He had me at hello, let’s jump off this bridge together.

JEZ:
Yeah, I hear suicide attempts are quite the bond between vampires.

SARAH:
I’m hoping that anyone who doesn’t appreciate Thierry as much as I do will come around with the last two books in the series, which really delve deeper into his admittedly enigmatic master vampire brain.

JEZ:
Who are better kissers: humans or vampires?

SARAH:
I know this is hard to believe, but vamps and humans kiss the same. It’s impossible to tell the difference. However, I do find that the older the vampire, the better the kisser they are. Like, let’s say they’ve had six hundred years of practice as opposed to my twenty-eight. I really don’t want to do the math, but let’s just say practice makes perfect.

JEZ:
Does “BFF” have a whole new meaning when you live forever?

SARAH:
I’ll let you know in fifty years.

JEZ:
Heh. You’re on. If you had your way, what would you change about STAKES & STILETTOS?

SARAH:
I would have had it set in the Bahamas. Rowen keeps insisting on setting books in the Toronto area (probably because she’s too lazy to do any research outside of her own backyard) where it seems to be freezing cold all the time.

JEZ:
If you could make Michelle do anything, what would it be?

SARAH:
I’d have her be nicer to me. [SNIFFS] I have bruises and serious paranoia now.

MEL:
JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE PARANOID DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE NOT OUT TO GET YOU.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

SARAH:
The economy. I’d have people who wait tables and tend bar to make as much as the CEOs of big companies. My Visa bill would be very grateful.

JEZ:
What about in the publishing world?

SARAH:
I would have had my adventures come out much closer together. Happily, the last story in the Sarah Dearly Memoirs (Rowen prefers to call it Immortality Bites for some strange reason) TALL, DARK & FANGSOME is out in September 2009, only four and a half little months from now. Which is probably a good thing, since S&S ends on a bit of a . . .

[CLANGING SOUND DROWNS OUT THE REST OF SARAH’S REPLY]

JEZ:
Mel, for [BLEEP] sake, shut off the Spoilalert!

[MELPOMENE TURNS OFF SPOILALERT AND PUTS ON SOME SOOTHING ENYA]

JEZ:
Sorry about that. The blessed thing’s hypersensitive. If STAKES & STILETTOS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

SARAH:
Rowen always had Sandra Bullock in mind to play me in the movie version, but also thinks Anna Friel from Pushing Daisies has a good look to portray me properly, if perhaps, not enough of a sarcastic edge.

JEZ:
What about Thierry?

SARAH:
Thierry has only been one actor ever in Rowen’s mind and that’s Hugh Jackman. The broody Hugh, not the Broadway one.

JEZ:
Mmmm. Hugh.

SARAH:
Oddly enough, Thierry actually does look exactly like that hunky actor, so I must approve!

JEZ:
You know, I wind up my interviews with a hypothetical question about being evil for a day. But the complication here is first, you already know about evil thanks to the curse, and second, you’re only evil at night. So…tell me true: Isn’t allowing yourself to be evil rather refreshing? You know, like you’ve just taken a long nap in which you dreamed you were a repressed goody two-shoes, and now, thankfully, you can live your undead life to its evil fullest? [COUGHS] Just wondering.

SARAH:
Goody two-shoes? I resent that.

JEZ:
It’s a hypothetical.

SARAH:
Uh huh. Well…to be quite frank, it is…freeing…to be evil.

JEZ:
Hah! Knew it!

SARAH:
That pesky conscience does get in the way a lot of the time. There’s a reason why evil characters are always shown to be cackling with laughter. It’s because they’re having fun!

JEZ:
[GRINS] Yeppers.

SARAH:
So yeah, it is refreshing. But at the same time, it’s not me. [SMILES] I may be a goody two-shoes, but no humans were harmed in the making of this vampire.

JEZ:
Heh. Well played.

Avid fans, give another standing ovation to the star of Michelle Rowen’s amazing Immortality Bites series…Sarah Dearly!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Sarah Dearly (or Sandra Bullock), but it is Sarah's gorgeous and talented Dear Creator, Michelle Rowen.]

The books in the Immortality Bites series are:

BITTEN & SMITTEN
FANGED & FABULOUS
LADY & THE VAMP
STAKES & STILETTOS
TALL, DARK & FANGSOME

You can purchase (and, for TD&F, preorder) all of the books at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Chapters, Powells, independent booksellers, Amazon and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.