JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we know of) that is by and about author characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy, forced to speak in clichés and pop-culture references…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse has had a run of very bad luck, which probably has nothing to do with her being the ruler of a city in a fantasy novel. Nothing at all. [GRINS] Bestselling author Tamora Pierce calls the SKEWED THRONE “A gritty, edgy, unsettling book” and declares of its heroine: “This tough young woman makes her choices in a world where good and evil often look like twins. I was riveted by her story!”

Avid Fans, give a huge round of applause to the star of Joshua Palmatier’s THE SKEWED THRONE series…Varis!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Varis!

VARIS:
Hey, Jez. Thanks for having me at Cat and Muse.

JEZ:
For our viewers who are new to your series, give us a one-line description about it. What’s a big “Ooooh” about the third book in the trilogy, THE VACANT THRONE?

VARIS:
I get to leave the city!

MEL:
[CUES RIMSHOT SOUND EFFECT]

JEZ:
Er. Hah?

VARIS:
[SMILES] Actually, that’s not much of a joke. In THE VACANT THRONE, the city of Amenkor, over which I rule, has survived—barely—an attack by the blue-skinned sea-demons called the Chorl.

JEZ:
Ooh. Demons!

VARIS:
During the attack, the Skewed Throne—the source of my power in Amenkor, but also the chain that ties me to the city—was destroyed. But it’s discovered that a second throne exists in our sister city, called Venitte. In an attempt to stop the Chorl from seizing control of this second throne and using its powers to take over the entire coast, I travel to Venitte with a covey of fellow Servants—all with the power of the Sight—and an army at my back.

JEZ:
Sweet. But you know that’s more than the one-line description I asked for, right?

VARIS:
I don’t tend to follow the rules. [GRINS] That’s how I’ve survived.

JEZ:
So I’m guessing there’s a lot of badness that happens in the third book. What’s the worst thing?

VARIS:
The worst thing? Let’s run through what’s bad. [COUNTS OFF POINTS ON FINGERS] Amenkor has been mostly destroyed, a lot of the army gone with it. It hasn’t had to defend itself significantly from threats from the sea for ages, so there’s no wall around the majority of the city. Its greatest defense—the Skewed Throne, the nexus of magical power in the city—has been destroyed. It’s dead, literally. So we’re trying to pick up the pieces while watching the skyline for the sign of sails, since the Chorl weren’t defeated, just pushed back. We expect them to return at any moment.

JEZ:
Of course. Because that’s how our Dear Creators roll. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

VARIS:
And then we discover this other throne is out there, called the Stone Throne. Lost, supposedly. But somehow, the damn Chorl find out about it as well, and so they’re heading to Venitte with their army.

JEZ:
Now what’s Venitte again?

VARIS:
Our sister city. Totally unprepared for them. And that’s if they even know that the Chorl exist in the first place.

JEZ:
Gotcha.

VARIS:
When we finally get to Venitte to warn them of an impending attack, we aren’t exactly treated like saviors. In fact, we’re essentially imprisoned within our own embassy.

JEZ:
[STRUGGLES NOT TO LAUGH]

VARIS:
So, as you can see, everything sucks.

JEZ:
That’s an understatement.

MEL:
[NODS] AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES.

VARIS:
And I haven’t even mentioned the traitors, the prostitute, or the fact that the Chorl already seem to be in the city and have begun their search for the throne.

JEZ:
[PERKS UP] Prostitute?

VARIS:
[NODS] But the worst thing?

JEZ:
Hold the phone. None of what you just mentioned was the worst thing that happens to you in THE VACANT THRONE?

VARIS:
[SIGHS] Honestly, all of the above is rather typical for me.

JEZ:
[WHISTLES IN APPRECIATION]

VARIS:
The worst thing is watching my mentor and father figure, Erick, as he suffers through some kind of magical torture that the Chorl placed on him when he was captured. We thought we’d saved him when we got him back, but no one in Amenkor seems to be able to help. In fact, the only person who might be able to help is in Venitte . . . and we might not be able to get to him before Erick dies.

JEZ:
See, I don’t get the big deal about dads. I have one, and let me tell you, I try to avoid His notice. He sort of scares me.

VARIS:
Erick taught me everything I know about being an assassin.

JEZ:
Oh. Well now. I can see that…

VARIS:
He practically raised me, or at least saved me from the slums and the slow death I would have found there eventually. He saw something in me, something worth saving, and helped me escape, training me to be one of the assassin Seekers. And then, once I’d found my way to the palace and taken over the Skewed Throne, he became my personal bodyguard.

JEZ:
[NODS] Nepotism.

MEL:
MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND.

VARIS:
And how did I repay him? I sent him on a virtual suicide mission. I sent him out as bait in an attempt to find out who or what had been attacking the city’s trading ships. Naturally, the plan worked. His ship was attacked and I thought he’d been killed. The horror of losing him nearly destroyed me.

JEZ:
But he’s still alive.

VARIS:
Whatever the Chorl have done to him—whatever spell they cast over him—isn’t healing, even with our best healers and Servants working on it. He’s dying, and the only hope we have lies in Venitte, with the Servants who live there. And now we’ve arrived, but have been shut away in our own embassy, unable to contact anyone in the city. Knowing that the help he needs is just outside the immaculate walls of our prison, and yet not being able to reach it . . . definitely the worst part of the situation.

JEZ:
With all the bad, surely there’s got to be some good. What’s the best thing that happens to you?

VARIS:
[STARES BLANKLY]

JEZ:
Hello? Is this thing on?

VARIS:
Umm . . . hold on a moment, let me think. . . . The best thing, the best thing . . . [PICKS UP DAGGER AND BEGINS PLAYING WITH IT]

JEZ:
Mel, I thought I asked you to do a weapons search before the interview.

MEL:
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

JEZ:
I am if you want that bonus you’ve been angling for.

[MELPOMENE CAUTIOUSLY REMOVES VARIS’S DAGGER]

VARIS:
I’d say there are two good things about the situation. When the Chorl attacked the city, we managed to capture a few of them while they retreated—thirteen of the fierce Chorl warriors and one of their Servants, a woman like me who can use the Sight. The thirteen warriors managed to kill themselves in their cell, unfortunately, but I kept the Servant separated. We don’t know anything about the Chorl—where they come from, what they want, what they can do—although we do know they have a few powers with the Sight that we don’t. I wanted to learn what the Chorl know from the Servant, intended to take it from her if necessary.

JEZ:
Okay, good.

VARIS:
But I couldn’t.

JEZ:
Not so good.

VARIS:
When I tried, I discovered that this Servant—Ottul is her name—was more like me than I might have imagined. Instead, I began to teach her the coastal language, and began to learn a little of the Chorl language as well. In the process, I’ve learned more about the Chorl than I would have found by seizing it forcefully, and I think I’ve found a connection to Ottul. I think she trusts us, enough to help us. Or so I hope.

JEZ:
Yeah, let us know how that works out, will you?

VARIS:
If we can find common ground with one of the Chorl, there’s hope we can find common ground with the others as well. They’re a fierce and violent people, not unlike those that surrounded me in the slums. And they’re desperate. But Ottul gives me hope. The other good thing is William.

JEZ:
[GRINS] William?

VARIS:
Ah, yes, William.

JEZ:
Details. Now.

VARIS:
[SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY, TAKES OUT ANOTHER DAGGER] Well, you see, he and I didn’t get off to a great start. He had . . . issues.

JEZ:
Issues?

VARIS:
With me coming from the slums and . . . and being an assassin. He didn’t like the fact that I kill people.

JEZ:
Some people can be so judgmental.

VARIS:
It took a good while with me being in the palace, no longer hunting for marks, before he settled down on that score.

JEZ:
Speaking of score… [WAGGLES EYEBROWS]

VARIS:
[LAUGHS] We haven’t exactly had a lot of time to . . . get to know each other. That’s why the trip to Venitte was so nice. It took weeks, and during that time we managed to sneak a little time to ourselves on the ship . . . although you’re never really alone on a trading ship, but you know what I mean.

JEZ:
I do! I do! And? How was it?

VARIS:
[SMILES] It was nice.

JEZ:
Nice?

VARIS:
[SIGHS HAPPILY] Nice. Some of the other Servants are dying to know exactly what happened during our little excursions to the deck, but I don’t intend to tell them anything. That’s my business. Let them wonder. It will give them something to do. [GRINS]

JEZ:
Let’s say you weren’t on a boat. Where would you and William be? What’s your romantic fantasy?

VARIS:
I guess what I’d like is to have a long stretch of uninterrupted time with William, somewhere outside the city, alone, with no servants hanging around, no guardsmen within twenty paces of me at all times. Somewhere with a pool of water or a stretch of soft grass. And sunlight, like the fountain near the slums where my mother used to take me when I was a child. We could just . . . sit in the grass by the water, not think about anything. Not worry about whether the Chorl are coming, or whether the city is being protected, or if we’ll have enough food for everyone for the upcoming winter. Or maybe it would be nice if William and I could just head out on a boat and anchor in the harbor, just the two of us. That would be nice.

JEZ:
Nice?

VARIS:
[SIGHS HAPPILY] Nice.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

VARIS:
Chocolate. Definitely.

JEZ:
My my. Either someone’s never experienced an orgasm, or…

VARIS:
[BLUSHES] I’ve only just found out about the pleasures of chocolate. There wasn’t any in the slums, of course, and we had a rough winter this past year, so stores were rather low. Luxury items were scarce, mostly hoarded by the prosperous merchants in the city. I didn’t get to taste chocolate until Venitte. One of the Lords there had some at one of the many dinners and it was . . . delicious. [SHIVERS IN ECSTASY]

JEZ:
Heh. And all is explained! So, in THE VACANT THRONE, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Joshua, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

VARIS:
Oh, if I had just one minute in an empty room with Joshua. . . . [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Don’t think I can’t hear you laughing out there, Joshua!

JOSHUA:
[OFF CAMERA] Are characters always this testy?

JACKIE:
[OFF CAMERA] Always. Unless you give them a few sex scenes.

JEZ:
Go on, Varis.

VARIS:
He forced me to send Erick out on that ship, didn’t he? And what’s more, the ship gets attacked and he makes me think Erick dies, only to bring him back in the end. But does he let me off the hook? Does he let Erick come out of the coma and heal from the torture the Chorl put him through? No!

JEZ:
Of course he doesn’t.

VARIS:
Instead, he puts some kind of spell over him so that Erick is in constant pain, made worse when anyone attempts to help him, and then—and THEN—he arranges things so that not only do I know that Erick’s in pain but I can speak to Erick and can feel exactly what he’s feeling and how horrendous it is! We knew we could get help for Erick in Venitte. But what does he do when we get there? He imprisons us. So I have to find a way to get Erick help somehow, which means of course that I have to use the Seekers, which violates the laws set up between Amenkor and Venitte, and ask William to help, and he knows how much I hate asking anyone else for help.

JEZ:
Creators can really suck.

VARIS:
And then there was that damn dress! I can handle all of the rest, but . . . [LEANS FORWARD] . . . he made me wear a dress. Did you hear that? HE MADE ME WEAR A DRESS. [FUMES] I’d kill him for just that.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about THE VACANT THRONE?

VARIS:
Umm . . . I’d have to say the ending. I can’t say much about it without spoiling it, but—

[CLANGING SOUNDS]

JEZ:
Mel! Turn off the Spoilalert!

[MELPOMENE FIDDLES WITH SWITCHES; THE CLANGING STOPS]

JEZ:
I guess people will need to read the book. Varis, if you could make Joshua Palmatier do anything, what would it be?

VARIS:
Live for a day in the slums of Amenkor. I’m not sure he’d survive, but I’d like to see him try.

JEZ:
Nice!

VARIS:
Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t find it quite so cool or humorous or exciting when he sets up some of those “plot elements” and “twists” he throws at me on a regular basis.

JEZ:
If THE VACANT THRONE goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

VARIS:
Oh, I’d have to say Christina Ricci would work well. You’d have to find someone small and light of frame (I have to squeeze through a few tight spots after all), someone who looks rather innocent and yet can pull of the darker side of being an assassin. Someone who could play hard and work even harder.

JEZ:
I could totally see that. What about Erick?

VARIS:
I’d like to say Harrison Ford, but he’s a little too old for the role at the moment. He would have been perfect about 10 or 15 years ago. As for someone who could play the role now . . . actually Daniel Craig could pull it off rather well I think. Hot and rugged, with a palpable sense of danger surrounding him. Yeah, Daniel Craig could be Erick in a heartbeat.

JEZ:
Yum. Speaking of which, what about William?

VARIS:
William is a little bit more difficult. I’d need someone who’s a little bit geeky, scruffy, with untameable darker hair that just wants to be ruffled. He’d have to be about my age, so around 17 or so, or at least be able to pull that age off believably. Hmm . . . any suggestions? I’m willing to do interviews. [GRINS]

JEZ:
Heh. We’ll talk after the show. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

VARIS:
Wait, I’m not evil? I thought I said I was evil earlier on. And I already have spiffy evil powers—I call the powers the “river” but most everyone else in Amenkor calls them the Sight—and I’ve been trying to use them to bring Amenkor back from the brink of madness and death.

JEZ:
And this is evil how?

VARIS:
Not everything I do in order to achieve this would be considered “good” and not everything that I do that isn’t “good” is considered “evil.” I find that life isn’t always that easy to classify, and that right and wrong isn’t always easy to determine. Sometimes, you just have to do something, and your options aren’t always nice.

JEZ:
True.

VARIS:
So when I need to be evil, I’m evil. I did a few things in THE VACANT THRONE that would classify as evil to most people. I considered it justice. And I certainly made some questionable decisions and choices in THE SKEWED THRONE that some would consider evil acts. So I’ve been evil, for more than a day. And I’m certain I’ll be evil again. And there’s nothing wrong with that. [GRINS]

JEZ:
Well put!

Avid Fans, give another round of applause for the star of Joshua Palmatier’s THE SKEWED THRONE series…Varis!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Varis. But it is her Dear Creator, Joshua Palmatier.]

And now, an important word from our sponsor: Each of the books in the series—THE SKEWED THRONE, THE CRACKED THRONE, and THE VACANT THRONE—can be read individually, although you’ll get more out of the books if you read them in order. If you don’t read them in order, you’ll miss some of the in-jokes and such, but they each have their individual stories more or less independent of the other books.

That being said, you can purchase all three books in the series from Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy and other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon. (Even if it’s blue and attacking your sister city.) Ciao!