JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run completely by fictional characters. (At least, as far as we know.) I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel. With me, as always, is the terrifically tragic producer of Cat and Muse…the Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
So every once in a while, we’re lucky to get repeat performers. You know the ones—those guests who just have to come back for more. Like multiple orgasms, they’re the gifts that keep on giving!

We first met the delicious Ravirn when he was promoting his first book, WEBMAGE. Since then, he’s become an agent of Chaos, has pissed off more gods than you can shake a stick at, and has learned that sleeping with a Fury can have unforeseen consequences.

MEL:
LOVE, ACTUALLY?

JEZ:
Hush, Muse. We’re not allowed to give anything away. Says Huntress Book Reviews of MYTHOS: “As always, this author writes a smooth flowing tale that entices the imagination and leaves me hungry for more.”

Oh yeah. Ravirn always leaves me hungry for more! Boys and girls, give a standing, O for the return of Kelly McCullough’s star of WEB MAGE, CYBERMANCY, CODESPELL and MYTHOS…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, sweetie!

RAVIRN:
[GRINNING] Jez. And lovelier than ever. It’s always a pleasure to see you.

JEZ:
Oh bless me, I’ve missed such flattery. [FANS SELF]

RAVIRN:
[TURNS AND WAVES] Melpomene, Thalia sends her best.

MEL:
[SINGS] WE ARE FAMILY. I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME.

RAVIRN:
[TO JEZ] When Grandma heard I was coming on the show, she made me promise to say hello to her sister, though her original request included a squirting flower. [ROLLS EYES] Muse of Comedy, what can you do?

JEZ:
I hear you. If your grandmother ever appeared on the show, it would give “dramedy” a whole new meaning.

RAVIRN:
Life must be treating you well, because really, you look great.

JEZ:
You know how it goes. Star in a book or two, get some time off to do naughty things, then gear up for another romp between the sheets. Of paper, of course. [WINKS] So, gorgeous, because you’ve already gone through all the questions before…something different for you. For our listeners, be warned: spoilers follow.

MEL:
[DISABLES SPOILALERT]

JEZ:
Ready? Here we go. Black or white?

RAVIRN:
I’m not a big fan of black and white. Neither as worldview nor in terms of being entirely on either side.

JEZ:
As long as you still buy the book, my Dear Creator will be happy. But why nothing so stark, sweetie? Are you only shades of gray?

RAVIRN:
[SNORTS] I’m definitely getting there. I’ve lived my life on the extremes in many ways. I went from the family of Fate, who are all law and order all the time, into the arms of Chaos, where the only rule is do as thou wilt.

JEZ:
And the problem is?

RAVIRN:
Both sides are too quick to throw rocks. Unfortunately, that leaves me standing out in the middle of the field with all those rocks zipping by.

JEZ:
Hmm. Best learn to duck, then. Or get better armor. Next question: Cerise or Tisiphone?

RAVIRN:
That’s really a question of past and future. I will always love Cerice on some level. She was one of the few members of my generation of the Greek pantheon whom I actually liked. She’s brilliant and beautiful. She even saved my life.

JEZ:
Uh huh.

RAVIRN:
At the same time, we’re really, really bad for each other.

JEZ:
You say that like it’s a bad thing. [GRINS] What about Tisiphone?

RAVIRN:
Tisiphone…what to say about Tisiphone? Perhaps “She’s not just a date, she’s an adventure?”

JEZ:
Heh. I don’t think so.

RAVIRN:
[SMILES] How about, “I was born to play with fire?”

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES] Yep, that’ll do it. Next question: Greek or Norse?

RAVIRN:
I’m currently leaning toward atheism.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

RAVIRN:
If I could just get them not to believe in me, I’d be there in a heartbeat. But since we know that’s not going to happen, I’m going to reluctantly express a slight preference toward Norse.

JEZ:
Why?

RAVIRN:
The odds that I can convince them to leave me alone are better.

JEZ:
Ah. Abandonment issues.

RAVIRN:
More like abandonment fantasies. Even if I could talk my Greek peeps into leaving me out of all the inter-pantheonic sniping, there are simply too many gods and goddettes who have a personal stake in my appearance on the cosmic obituary page. And yes, I know Eris is going to kill me for “goddettes,” but I couldn’t resist.

JEZ:
And who could blame you? Speaking of agents of Chaos…Eris or Loki?

RAVIRN:
Eris, no question. For all that she’s a dangerous manipulative psycho on some levels–I know, I know: goddess, duh–she can still occasionally see people for themselves, not for how she can use them.

JEZ:
Obviously, she’s not into politics.

RAVIRN:
Loki is simply too bitter. I’m not saying he doesn’t have reason to be what he is, just that what he is is someone I’d really rather not spend too much time with.

JEZ:
Fair enough. Mel or Laginn? [ASIDE] And no, Mel, not you. I’m referring to Melchior. Because of course Ravirn would pick you.

MEL:
[SMILES] FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES.

RAVIRN:
Oh, definitely Mel, if for no other reason than he can lend me two hands when I step in it again.

MEL:
COLD HANDS, WARM HEART.

RAVIRN:
Really, that doesn’t do him enough justice. As much as I like Laginn’s style–how can you not love the undead hand of a god?–Mel is virtually another part of my brain. The part that actually thinks.

JEZ:
And with that, we segue into thinking with the other head. Sex or chocolate?

RAVIRN:
Normally, I say chocolate with sex, but things have changed now that I’m dating a woman who has to be careful not to start things on fire with her hair. When you heat chocolate up the way Tisiphone does, it starts to cross the line from “sexy” to “scalding.” At that point, it’s no question at all. Sex. Definitely sex. With chocolate after.

JEZ:
Mmm. Sweetie, if you didn’t have a girlfriend who could rend me into itsy bitsy demon pieces in the blink of an eye, I’d do very bad things with you. Raven or Ravirn?

RAVIRN:
Ravirn. While Raven’s really starting to grow on me, it’s in the manner of an unfortunate rash.

JEZ:
Aw. You know, I’d be happy to rub some ointment where it burns…

RAVIRN:
[COUGHS, BLUSHES] Let’s not talk about burns. Tisiphone’s…well, never mind. What was the question? Oh, right. Look, as much as I like the powers that come with the Raven brand, it’s simply not me. I hope.

JEZ:
Alas. Order or Chaos?

RAVIRN:
Go team Chaos, rah? [PAUSES] We’re not as bad as the other guy?

MEL:
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.

RAVIRN:
Hey, what I lack in enthusiasm for Chaos, I make for with ambiguity in my opposition to Order. [SHRUGS] Well, there’s no question which side of that equation has a little picture of my face on it. But again, I’m not big on extremes.

JEZ:
If you could tell your Dear Creator one thing, what would it be?

RAVIRN:
The number of an abandoned Swiss bank account holding a large fortune.

JEZ:
Really?

RAVIRN:
Why are you giving me that look? It’s not like I like the guy. I’m just hoping that a big enough cash disbursement might convince him to retire. Or at least go pick on some other central character for a while.

JEZ:
Ah. Bribery. [NODS] That I can understand.

RAVIRN:
Writers are all about the shiny, right? It’s pretty much a given that if they didn’t have bills and deadlines focusing their attentions, they’d keep getting distracted.

JEZ:
Some writers manage to get distracted, even with the deadlines and bills. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Hear that, Kessler?

JACKIE:
[OFF CAMERA] You want me to write this short story about you, or you want to just bitch some more?

JEZ:
[MUTTERS] Bless me, one day she’ll actually write that [BLEEP] story, and then she won’t have anything to hang over my head. [COUGHS] Last question: Half empty or half full?

RAVIRN:
Time to get a bigger bottle, because there’s clearly space for more single malt in that glass. [SMILES] Which is to say, I like what I’m drinking so far, but there’s definitely room for bigger portions.

JEZ:
Mmm. I love a challenge. Hang on, sweetie–after I wrap this up, you and me are going bar hopping.

RAVIRN:
Have I mentioned that I love this show?

JEZ:
[WINKS] You can tell me again and again.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Kelly McCullough’s WEB MAGE series…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t the scrumptious Ravirn. But it is his Dear Creator, Kelly McCullough. Apparently, hiding.]

The WEB MAGE series includes:

WEB MAGE
CYBERMANCY
CODE SPELL
MYTHOS
And in June 2010: SPELLCRASH

You can get the books at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Mysterious Galaxy, Flights of Fantasy, other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.