MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Sweetie, it is SO good to see you again! I thought you’d be back ages ago. I lost a bet with Daun, you know. He had you pegged for staying away for a long time. [EYES MEL] He knows you well, huh?

MEL:
[SHRUGS] ANY FRIEND OF YOURS IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

JEZ:
In Daun’s case, more like a fiend than a friend. But never mind about him–Jackie’s been a freaking mess since you’ve gone. She’s done some drastic things. Drastic, I tell you. And she didn’t write a damn thing, not counting the blogging. And then boom, you come back, and now Jackie can’t be separated from her keyboard. It’s almost kinky. She claims that the Muse is whispering to her again.

MEL:
I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE.

JEZ:
Avid Fans, for those who haven’t met Mel before–or who have forgotten all about her–she’s forced to speak only in cliches and pop culture references. Talk about tragic…

MEL:
THERE ARE ONLY TWO TRAGEDIES IN LIFE: ONE IS NOT GETTING WHAT ONE WANTS, AND THE OTHER IS GETTING IT.

JEZ:
[CLAPS] Quoting! You’re quoting! Bless me, how I’ve missed that…Did you miss me too?

MEL:
[GRINS] TRAGEDY IS WHEN YOU’VE GOT SEX IN THE HEAD INSTEAD OF DOWN WHERE IT BELONGS.

JEZ:
Awwww….that’s so sweet! It’s so good to have you back. And just in time for our next guest!

Next up on Cat and Muse is the star of a Redbook editor’s choice novel. The Tampa Tribune calls THE DEPARTMENT OF LOST AND FOUND “funny and frank” and says it’s a “serious comedy that shines light into the darkness.” Booklist says the novel is “An impressive debut.” Publishers Weekly calls it “A bonbon of a book”—and really, if they’re equating it with ice cream AND chocolate, you know it’s got to be fabulous.

MEL:
SWEETS FOR THE SWEET.

JEZ:Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Allison Winn Scotch’s THE DEPARTMENT OF LOST AND FOUND…Natalie Miller!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Natalie!

NATALIE:
Thanks for having me!

JEZ:
So, an ambitious, headstrong, upwardly mobile 30-year-old woman is diagnosed with cancer and finds her whole world turned on its head. My, my. Pathos, much?

NATALIE:
But it’s funny, really!

JEZ:
[GRINS] Funny? Sweetie, you’ve got a Hell of a sense of humor.

MEL:
GALLOWS HUMOR.

NAT:
Er, yeah.

JEZ:
The timing really sucked for you. There you were, at the top of your game. Picture-perfect health.

NAT:
[NODS] The future ruler of the free world. And blammo! Cancer.

JEZ:
And worse, you lost your health and your boyfriend on the same day, proving that Fate is a royal [BLEEP]. Which was worse—finding yourself newly single, or finding yourself cancer-infested?

NAT:
That would be the cancer.

JEZ:
I can see that.

NAT:
But not just the nefarious cells that have infiltrated my body: really, it’s more the damage that cancer has left in its wake.

JEZ:
Like?

NAT:
[TICS OFF POINTS ON FINGERS] I can’t rely only on myself. I’m forced to a standstill at work. Everything that I once deemed important is slowly slipping away.

JEZ:
Hooboy. So, um, where’s the funny?

NAT:
The whole damn thing is ridiculous, and if I weren’t so busy fighting the cancer and tracking down my ex-loves to figure out what went wrong in my life and my prior relationships, I’d surely find a way to sue myself over it.

JEZ:
I know a couple of lawyers I could recommend…

NAT:
[GRINS] I’ll see myself in court!

JEZ:
Now, you said that in the book, you track down your ex-boyfriends?

NAT:
[NODS]

JEZ:
Well then. Name one of them.

NAT:
[SMILES] Jake.

JEZ:
Okay, spill. You and Jake. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

NAT:
Seriously?

JEZ:
I’m always serious when it comes to nookie.

NAT:
I know that Jake wants to, but I can’t even think about sex right now.

JEZ:
Whoa. Now that’s sick.

NAT:
[SHRUGS] Sorry, Jake. You crawled back to me, and now you gotta wait.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

NAT:
These days? Chocolate.

JEZ:
Poor girl. What’s your favorite outfit?

NAT:
Sweats. Now that I don’t have to don my power suits for work, I spend much of the day lounging around watching The Price Is Right, walking my newly adopted mutt Manny, or sulking on my couch, feeling sorry for myself.

JEZ:
Ack.

MEL:
NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I’VE SEEN…

JEZ:
Now this is a loaded question, given the circumstances. Were there any parts of THE DEPARTMENT OF LOST AND FOUND where you were like, Allison, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

NAT:
I had some serious reservations about that whole Price Is Right plot line. I mean, come on, do people really get addicted to TV shows?

JEZ:
Uh huh. It’s one of Hell’s worst kept secrets.

NAT:
I wouldn’t know, because I spent so much of my life in the office. Ultimately, I had to trust Allison, even though I thought it was a little silly and inane. And guess what? Man, I love The Price Is Right now! And evidently, so do a lot of readers!

JEZ:
Very crafty, Natalie’s Creator! Well played! Sounds like Allison is a clever one. If you could make her do anything, what would it be?

NAT:
Oh, I had a blast tracking down the five ex-loves of my life–learned a lot, and actually found a lot of relief and catharsis in it. So maybe I’d have Allison do that, though unlike me, she’s pretty happy with her lot in life.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about THE DEPARTMENT OF LOST AND FOUND?

NAT:
Well, truth told, I’m a teeny-tiny bit of a [BLEEP].

JEZ:
This is a bad thing?

NAT:
Can’t I appear a little nicer at the beginning? I mean, just because I might be lacking some social graces, do we really need to highlight them so much?

JEZ:
I hear it makes for excellent reading…

NAT:
[HUMPHS]

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

NAT:
No one would get cancer. Ever. Cancer would be a made-up, make-believe disease, like aliens or UFOs.

JEZ:
I’m just glad you didn’t say, “Or demons.” If THE DEPARTMENT OF LOST AND FOUND goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

NAT:
I’d think that Jen Garner or Keri Russell would be aces. There was a while when we thought that Reese Witherspoon might be interested, and of course, she’d also rock the role, but everyone seems to want a piece of Reese these days. Ha! Reese’s pieces!

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

NAT:
I think that there are others who would be similarly fabulous. I also love me some Anne Hathaway.

JEZ:
What about one of your other exes, Zach? Who should play him?

NAT:
Patrick Dempsey would be the embodiment of my dream come true, though I think Mark Ruffalo would be a fine choice as well. And since I’m naming names, I’ll also throw in Michael Vartan, because, well, I’ll watch him in anything.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] I so hear you. What about the crawling, begging Jake?

NAT:
Unquestionably, Scott Speedman, who should be getting a lot more work than he does these days. Didn’t anyone out there watch Felicity???

JEZ:
The girl with the hair, who cut it short and then lost the series, right? Never saw it. I was on probation that decade.

NAT:
Not a bad cast, right?

JEZ:
A fine selection! Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

NAT:
Oh, geez. I work for a top senator. I think that I’ve already spent a fair amount of my days using my powers for evil already!

JEZ:
Who told? Mel?

MEL:
[MIMES ZIPPING LIPS SHUT]

JEZ:
Avid fans, give another round of applause for the star of Allison Winn Scotch’s THE DEPARTMENT OF LOST AND FOUND…Natalie Miller!

[This isn't Natalie, but it is her Dear Creator, Allison Winn Scotch.]

[APPLAUSE]

You can buy THE DEPARTMENT OF LOST AND FOUND at Amazon, B&N.com, and fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Read lots, have fun—and love your inner demon.