MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Um…sweetie, what’s with your face?

MEL:
A FACE ONLY A MOTHER COULD LOVE.

JEZ:
Why’s it frozen in a mask of horror?

MEL:
AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION IS WORTH A POUND OF CURE.

JEZ:
Oh, no. Tell me you didn’t botoxisize your face…

MEL:
BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP.

JEZ:
Aw, sweetie, it’s also in the eye of the beholder. You don’t need that stuff. You’re gorgeous the way you are.

MEL:
SAVE YOUR BREATH.

JEZ:
Well…I’m just saying that no matter what you do, even if you go all Britney, you’re still gorgeous. In a tragic way, of course.

MEL:
SILVER-TONGUED DEVIL.

JEZ:
I bet our next guest will cheer you up. Give us one about nymphs. Something with love.

MEL:
SWEETEST NYMPH, THAT LIV’ST UNSEEN WITHIN THY AIRY SHELL…

JEZ:
Hmm. Air doesn’t work. This particular nymph hails from Atlantis.

MEL:
Atlantis! EMERALD TOWERS SUNK A HUNDRED FATHOMS BENEATH THE WAVES.

JEZ:
Yep, that’s the one. Our next guest isn’t just any old nymph, might I add. It’s a BOY nymph. With boy parts, and everything! You know how the female nymphs can seduce a man with a look? Well, this guy can make a woman’s panties damp just by blinking. He redefines sex appeal. He’s the epitome of sensuality. And coming from a former succubus, that’s saying something.

MEL:
[BLUSHES] LOVE IS MANY A SPLENDORED THING.

JEZ:
Tell me about it, sweetie. Avid Fans, I’m thrilled to welcome to Cat and Muse the stunningly sexy hero of Gena Showalter’s sizzling paranormal romance, The Nymph King…Valerian!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, handsome!

KING VALERIAN:
Hello. I am so happy to be here.

MEL:
[DROOLS] HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS…

JEZ:
Down, girl. He’s taken. Happily in love.

MEL:
[POUTS] ALL’S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR!

JEZ:
If you’re going to sulk, go have a smoke or something. Write some bad poetry. But don’t crack your face.

MEL:
[SIGHS] LOVE HURTS.

[MELPOMENE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING]

JEZ:
Sorry about that. Bet you get that sort of thing a lot.

VAL:
Oh, yes. But you get used to it after a few hundred years.

JEZ:
So, your majesty. King of the nymphs. My my. And to think I thought nymphs were all female. You’re most definitely, deliciously male. Why all the female-heavy nymph hype?

VAL:
Legends are meant to confuse humans and hide the truth from them. The gods are bastards like that.

JEZ:
Heh, can I tell them you said so?

VAL:
[WINKS] Just don’t be surprised if you are met with famine and plague.

JEZ:
Female nymphs don’t even make an appearance in The Nymph King. Was this your Dear Creator’s way of thumbing her nose at mythology? Or did she do it just to [BLEEP] with you?

VAL:
Even though she put me through hell, I’m feeling magnanimous toward her. I threw her over for Shaye, after all. So I’ll just say she was airing the truth and leave it at that.

JEZ:
Let’s talk about Shaye. From sexin’ any woman with a heartbeat to lusting for your true mate only. My, my. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make. What was the worst part about going from wide receiver to tight end?

VAL:
With Shaye, there is no worst part. I would rather fight with her than be inside any other woman.

JEZ:
Ooh, you sweet talker! Tell me true, is being mated worth losing the ability to enjoy sex with multiple partners?

VAL:
Shaye is worth anything and everything, and I am happier for it.

JEZ:
She must be damn flexible…

VAL:
She has “mad skills” in bed, I think mortals would say. And her wit constantly amuses me. As does her creativity. . .

JEZ:
Shaye is one lucky [BLEEP]. How did you know that she was your true mate?

VAL:
First, her frosty scent pleased me as nothing else in the world ever had.

JEZ:
Ah, sexual aromatherapy.

VAL:
Then, the more time I spent with her, the more she made me crave more than just sex. She made me crave forever.

JEZ:
You, sir, have it bad. What should a fellow do when he finds his true mate?

VAL:
At one time, I would have said “Run.”

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] Yeah, but now you know better. So what should men do when they find The One? How does a guy win her over?

VAL:
Groveling comes to mind. As does begging and pleading.

JEZ:
You can basically seduce any female of any species, right? Is it like a switch you have to flip?

VAL:
Please tell me you are kidding. Flip a switch? Woman, all I must do is enter a room.

JEZ:
Yeah, Hell knows that if not for my infernal system, I’d definitely be all hot and bothered just being this close to you. Yum! Is a perpetual state of horniness uncomfortable?

VAL:
Hardly. There is always satisfaction to be found.

JEZ:
Someone’s bragging…

VAL:
Just stating a fact.

JEZ:
Uh huh. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

VAL:
I had just reached what mortals refer to as their teen years when my mother’s servant—actually, servants, plural—invaded my. . . bath.

JEZ:
[GRINS] Must have been horrific.

VAL:
I did not stop smiling for weeks.

JEZ:
I can imagine. You must have had your fair share of lovers. Who was the best?

VAL:
My Shaye, of course.

JEZ:
Of course. Who was the worst?

VAL:
The worst? Do not tell my Shaye, but…

JEZ:
Ooh, spill! I can keep a secret.

VAL:
This one time, at bang camp, I experimented with a demon.

JEZ:
Hey!

VAL:
Dear gods! That woman’s horns nearly flayed me alive. And I will not tell you where those horns were located, either. Sometimes I throw up blood just remembering.

JEZ:
Fine, that’ll teach me. Ask a silly question… Speaking of which, is Mel Brooks right when he says it’s good to be the king?

VAL:
I know not this Mel Brooks, but yes, he is right. Does he have a sister? (I ask for my men, of course.)

JEZ:
Let’s talk Atlantis. With all the fizznucking there, do you have to worry about STDs?

VAL:
I am sorry. I do not understand the question. STD?

JEZ:
Do you guys even know about condoms?

VAL:
[BLINKS] Condoms?

JEZ:
Moving on…Best buds with a vampire, huh? That’s got to suck. Or do you really get along with the King of the Vampires?

VAL:
Layel and I have been friends for many, many years. We are brothers, though we share no blood. Not all of my people feel as I do, however. Vampires tend to get…mouthy during sex.

JEZ:
Heh. What about the other species? Give me five words that describe dragons.

VAL:
A few months ago I would have said: Bastards, demons, [BLEEP]—I learned that word through Shaye—depraved, and dead. Today, I will just say that I am rethinking it.

JEZ:
How about your five favorite sexual positions?

VAL:
I only have one: inside a woman.

JEZ:
Bless me, do you have a brother? No, never mind, I’m happily in love. Anyway. Who’re better lovers: nymphs, dragons, vampires, or mortals?

VAL:
There is no better lover than my Shaye, a mortal.

JEZ:
Sounds like every man’s dream.

VAL:
If anyone dares try and seduce her, they will die by my hand. And it will not be quick. It will be slow and painful. She is mine.

JEZ:
Mental note: nymphs are insanely jealous. So, do nymphs prefer to eat virgins, like dragons do? Or are you more about the actual [BLEEP]?

VAL:
[SMILES] We do like to eat virgins, yes, though not in the way the dragons do. And by “virgins,” I also mean experienced women, tall, short, lean, round, beautiful, and plain. We are equal opportunity eaters.
JEZ:
Who can hold a grudge more: a pissed off ocean god, or a woman scorned?

VAL:
There is no question: a woman scorned. I am shuddering now even thinking of it.

JEZ:
In The Nymph King, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Gena, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Dear Creator in sync the entire time?

VAL:
I did not like the way that woman kept Shaye from me.

JEZ:
Creators live to torment us, don’t they?

VAL:
My mate actually turned a weapon on me, and I blame Gena for that—sexy though she is.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about The Nymph King?

VAL:
Shaye would strip for me on page one and we would not get up from bed. Ever.

JEZ:
Nice. If The Nymph King went the way of Hollywood, who would you want to play you?

VAL:
Brad Pitt.

JEZ:
Of course.

VAL:
[SHRUGS] Muscles and extreme good looks are a must.

JEZ:
Who would play Shaye?

VAL:
Scarlett Johansson, for my mate’s beauty is beyond breathtaking. And they would not get up from bed. Ever.

JEZ:
I’m sensing a theme. Finally, if you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your nymphly powers for?

VAL:
Actually, I think I would like Shaye to be Evil for a day.

JEZ:
Oh?

VAL:
I would like her to tie me up and cut the clothing from my body. I would like…Excuse me. I must go and find Shaye.

JEZ:
Heh, definitely a nymph with a one-track mind. Shaye, wherever you are, you are one lucky minx. Avid Fans, once again give it up for the heart-stoppingly gorgeous hero of Gena Showalter’s sensual novel, The Nymph King…Valerian!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for Cat and Muse today. Stay tuned later this week for the Fury Megaera’s infernal tag.

[SNEAK PROMO]

MEGAERA VOICE OVER:
I know, I’m a big, bad Fury and am supposed to be all about the vengeance. But when I’m not busy smiting, I really love curling up with a good book.

JEZ:
And remember, if you want more supernatural sexpots–specifically, me, the succubus Georgina, the werewolf Luna, the elf Gwen, the vampire Sarah, and the demon hunter Gina–check out Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a lifestyle.

Smooches!