[BLEEP], what do you mean, we’re on?

[COUGH, COUGH]

Heya, avid fans. Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show run by a fictional character. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the cliche-speaking Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene! Hi, Mel!
MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Getting ready for Harry Potter insanity?

MEL:
THE END IS NIGH.

JEZ:
Yeah, but when it’s time, it’s time. You know how it’s going to end, don’t you?

MEL:
DO TELL, DO TELL.
JEZ:
Well, Harry’s going to be in a diner, waiting for the others to join him. Sitting alone, he puts a dime in the jukebox, and on comes Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” The bell over the door jingles, and in walks Hermione, who slides across from Harry in the booth.

MEL:
IT’S HAUNTINGLY FAMILIAR.
JEZ:
As they chat, other people filter into the diner, the bell jingling every time — regular folks, maybe, but some who seem to radiate “Death Eater” menace. The bell jingles, and in walks Ron, who sits next to Hermione. The bell jingles again, but it’s just another person. As the three of them talk, outside we see Ginny trying to park her car, but because she hasn’t even got her learner’s permit, she’s having a [BLEEP] of a time trying to get into a spot. The bell jingles, and one creepy-looking person gets up to use the loo. Ginny parks, finally, and dashes over to the diner so that she won’t be too late. Ron suggests they order the Everlasting Gobstoppers: “The best in all of Madagascar!” Ginny bolts to the door, the bell jingles, Harry looks up…cut to black.

MEL:
THE REST IS SILENCE.

JEZ:
Exactly. What do you think?

MEL:
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

JEZ:
So I plagiarized from The Sopranos. I’m a demon; sue me.
Well, avid fans, we have changes to announce. Big changes here. But I’m going to let my Dear Creator be the one to fill you in.

MEL:
[CHICKEN CLUCKING NOISES]

JEZ:
What? I am not chicken. She’s the one who’s making the call. She can be the one who gets the boos.

MEL:
DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER?

JEZ:
Exactly. So, without further ado, here’s my Dear Creator…author of HELL’S BELLES and THE ROAD TO HELL…Jackie Kessler.

[APPLAUSE]

JACKIE:
Hey, everyone. Thanks for having me on Cat and Muse, Jez.

JEZ:
Not like I had much of a choice.

JACKIE:
Oh, come on. Don’t be like that.

JEZ:
Like what?

JACKIE:
You sound bitter.

JEZ:
Me? Sweetie, I’m a creature of Lust, not Envy. I’m not bitter. Confused, yeah. Pissed off? You bet. Bitter? Not so much.

JACKIE:
Look, I’m sorry, all right? But I just couldn’t keep up with two blogs, plus the writing, plus the promotion, plus my day job and family…

MEL:
[PULLS OUT VIOLIN AND BEGINS TO PLAY]

JACKIE:
And Mel, you can stop that right now, if you ever want me to write THE WILD MUSE CHASE.

MEL:
MEA CULPA.

JEZ:
So you’re killing Cat and Muse because you couldn’t handle it.

JACKIE:
No! I’m not killing it at all! I’m merging the two blogs. If anything, I’m killing Insert Witty Title Here.

JEZ:
Okay, see the above about me being confused.

JACKIE:
Here’s the deal: From now on, there is one blog only. This one. Here, on my website. And the name of this blog is now “Insert Witty Title Here.” And it’s my blog…which I will share with you. You can still do “Cat and Muse” here. Please, still interview characters from other authors’ books. And I’ll be here too, interviewing authors from the Girlfriend’s Cyber Circuit, from Backspace, from all over. And, you know, posting about stuff.

JEZ:
So…you’ll be posting, and I’ll be posting, right here, under one blog? So readers don’t have to go to more than one blog anymore?

JACKIE:
Right.

JEZ:
And between the two of us, we’ll be blogging more regularly?

JACKIE:
Right.

JEZ:
And I believe you why?

JACKIE:
Because you’re the demon, not me.

JEZ:
Ah. Point. Okay, then. Um…shake, partner.

MELPOMENE:
THIS IS THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

JEZ:
Don’t push your luck, Muse.

My Dear Creator wouldn’t shut up about how I’m not the only one getting interviewed; she is, too. So, in an effort to muzzle Jackie, come to the Good Girls Kill For Money Club and read Jackie’s interview. One thing I’ll say about her: she asks some interesting questions at the end.

Coming up soon on Cat and Muse: an interview with Isabella, heroine of Jacki Frank’s JACOB.

Smooches!

Many thanks to all the Avid Fans who entered the “I’m Giving Away Jackie’s Book, Don’t Tell Her” contest. Winners have been notified by email — and if you didn’t get your copy of HELL’S BELLES by now, go ahead and complain to Jackie, who, in turn, will probably complain to the USPO.

Cat and Muse returns next week — Mel will be all rested and tanned, and I’ll be in the booth with demon hunter Gina Bliss, star of Jaci Burton’s SURVIVING DEMON ISLAND. What, me worry? Nah — Gina’s already sworn not to try to kill me. And you know, we Hellish types take the swearing thing VERY seriously…

Smooches!

Heya, avid fans! While Mel and I are coming up with questions to ask the lovely, sexy Gina Bliss (heroine of Jaci Burton‘s hot-hot-hawt Surviving Demon Island), I thought I’d do something evil.

(What do you expect? Maybe I’m not a succubus any longer, but I sure as Hell ain’t an angel.)

I’m going to give away some of Jackie’s author copies of Hell’s Belles.

That’s right. Not an advance reading copy. The real thing. Jackie just got a whole [BLEEP]load of copies. She won’t notice if, say, six were to go (cough) missing…just in time for the holidays (well, squeaking in there, if you do the menorah thing).

So…here’s a pop quiz. First six people to answer correctly get free copies. Hint: If you read the first chapter of Hell’s Belles (in the Books section of Jackie’s website) and if you’ve been a fan of Cat and Muse (read: you can check out the archives), you can get everything right.

Rules: Do NOT post the answers here as comments to this post. That will piss me off and will disqualify you. Don’t do it. Instead, email me directly at j a x AT j a c k i e k e s s l e r DOT c o m with the subject of “For Jezebel.” Put the answers in the email message.

Even if you won an advance reading copy, you can enter the contest. Enter as many times as you want, but you can win only once. (That is, limit of one prize per person. Hey, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere…)

Ready? Set? Go!

1. What does Jezebel ask of Caitlin?
2. What else does she wind up taking from Caitlin?
3. What form does Jezebel first appear as?

4. Who was the first guest interviewed on Cat and Muse? (character name, not author name)

5. What’s Melpomene’s role on Cat and Muse? (multiple choice):

A: Announcer
B: Host
C: Producer
D: None of the above
E: Trick question: there is no Melpomene in Cat and Muse

6. What’s the last thing Jezebel does at the end of chapter 1 of Hell’s Belles?
Bonus question — answer NOT in the first chapter OR on Cat and Muse. (If you get this one right as well, I’ll throw in something from Jackie’s Swag Bag when she’s not looking. You know, maybe one of those sweet phone thongs. So what if supplies are running out? Only ONE person can win the bonus prize, so first come, first served. You must be one of the six winners to qualify for the bonus question.):

What’s Melpomene’s role in Hell’s Belles? (multiple choice):

A: Jezebel’s best friend
B: Jezebel’s love interest
C: Caitlin’s love interest
D: Bounty hunter
E: Trick question: there is no Melpomene in Hell’s Belles
There you go, Avid Fans! Contest is open…NOW, and closes on December 15, 2007, at 11:59 pm EST. First six people to answer all six questions correctly win.

Have at it!

See, she just finished the chapter outline for the third HELL ON EARTH book, Hotter Than Hell. But the problem is, she needs a name for an important character, who happens to be a demon of Lust. Yep, Dear Creator needs a name for an incubus. (The name “Daunuan” is taken, as preview readers of Hell’s Belles already know.) Jackie wants a name before US Thanksgiving this year (next Thursday, yo), so the deadline for entries is Wednesday, November 22.

So here’s the deal: You can either comment on this post with your suggestion for an incubus name, or you can email your suggestion to Jackie directly (click over to the “Contact” section for the info), and put “Incubus” in the subject line. No restrictions on the number of times a person may enter.
The winner (yep, only one) gets another character named after him or her, as well as the incubus character name in the book, an acknowledgment in Hotter Than Hell, and something from Jackie’s swag bag.

Have at it!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
That a new toga?

MEL:
Dressed to the nines.

JEZ:
I prefer the sixty-nines.

[RIM SHOT]

Hey, when did we get our own soundtrack?

MEL:
Music soothes the savage breast.

JEZ:
Is that a comment about my boobs?

MEL:
Say what you will…

JEZ:
Anyway…

This week’s episode is a placeholder. A scheduling glitch has delayed the studio appearance of MaryJanice Davidson’s vampire queen, Betsy Taylor. We should go live with her interview by this time next week.

MEL:
Fingers crossed.

JEZ:
Indeed. Since we’re just filling space here, I thought I’d mention my Dear Creator. I know I sound hard on her. But she’s just as hard on me. You should see some of the things she puts me through in HELL’S BELLES. She makes me dance in four-inch heels for HOURS. People, that’s murder on the calves and feet! And the running from Hell thing? Talk about stress.

But I have to give props when props are due. Jackie found out yesterday that one of her short stories was accepted for publication in Realms of Fantasy. In chocolate speak, this is like the Godiva of fantasy magazines. It’s also been a dream of hers for years.

So…congrats, sweetie.

[APPLAUSE]

To show how proud of you I am, I’ll try not to be so bitchy to you. For, you know, a little bit.

MEL:
One good turn deserves another.

JEZ:
That’s it for now, Avid Fans. Until next week…or until Betsy comes to the Cat and Muse studio. Whichever’s faster. Until then, remember: Lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It also hides wrinkles.

Smooches!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
During the last show, Mel, you were a bit…inebriated.

MEL:
Hit me with the dog that bit me.

JEZ:
Sweetie, are you working on a drunk now? Are you going to dive into showtunes?

MEL:
Clean and sober.

JEZ:
Excellent. Because you know, as Chef once said, there’s a time and a place for things like that. It’s called “college.”

Avid Fans, I have to apologize for the delay in posting. I could say it was a technical glitch. I could say it was due to someone in the Underworld bemoaning how Pluto ain’t a planet anymore, and Hades is downright pissed. (You try being a god that has to deal with dwarf planet jokes from the other celestials. See how much of a sense of humor you’d have.)

But the truth is, it’s all Jackie Kessler’s fault.

That’s right, Jackie. I’m calling you down to the field. You screwed up, Dear Creator. You were supposed to update Cat and Muse last week. But did you get an interview prepared in time? Hell no! Did you bother asking me for help? Hell no! Did you get all caught up in the “Oh, I’m so busy because I have to prep two synopses of upcoming books for my editor,” and all “Oh, I have to finish the YA urban fantasy that I haven’t even shown my agent yet”? Puh-leeze! As if those are excuses! Who cares if you’ve started two new writing projects and barely have time to sleep?

You’ve got a commitment here, Creator. You owe it to the fans.

MEL:
Do it for the Gipper.

JEZ:
Hell with that, you owe it to me. You made me, damn it—you can’t leave me hanging for a week without updating the content! I’ll forgive you this time. But don’t let it happen again.

MEL:
Forgive and forget.

JEZ:
Screw the forgetting. We demons (and former demons) have long memories. Don’t mess with me, Creator. Clear?

And now, a quick Dirty Thought. When Bryan Adams sings about the “Summer of ’69,” is he talking about the year or the position? I know what my answer is…

Well, Avid Fans, there’s no interview today. Two are on the way—Richard Jones’ very funny former god Tom Sure will be talking to me about…well, whatever he wants to, and MaryJanice Davidson’s vampire queen Betsy Taylor will give us the skinny on sex, vampire style. Things to look forward to!

MEL:
Anticipation…

JEZ:
That’s this week’s episode, short and sweet. Before we go, a little tidbit about my Dear Creator. She can’t pronounce the word “street” correctly. She says it as if it’s “shtreet.” Hey, at least she knows how to spell it. Until next time, Avid Fans! And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a brand of clothing.

Smooches!