Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
You know, angels give me a headache on the best of days, but the next guest on Cat and Muse has me beat.

MEL:
WITH WHIPS? AND CHAINS?

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Are you allowed to quote the studio audience from The Rocky Horror Picture Show? I thought it’s just cliches and pop-culture references.

MEL:
SO SUE ME.

JEZ:
Ahem. All righty. Where was I? [READS CUE CARD] Right. Angels. Me, I’ve never been charged by an angel with a quest to save the universe. But our next guest? Not so lucky.

SF Reviews calls 2004 Campbell winner Jay Lake’s MAINSPRING “a grand and glorious adventure, an epic journey of imagination the likes of which I haven’t often seen.” And Cory Doctorow of Boing Boing declares “There’s zeppelin battles, demented theology, and lots and lots of clocky, mechanical goodness here. This is blasphemy at its finest.”

Demented theology and blasphemy at its finest? You know I’m all over that.

MEL:
LIKE WHITE ON RICE.

JEZ:
Avid Fans, give a blisteringly hot welcome to the star of Jay Lake’s MAINSPRING…Hethor Jacques!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Hethor!

HETHOR:
Um, hello…? [LOOKS AT HANDS]

JEZ:
So, the way I understand it, you and I come from different worlds. Or different parallel universes. Mine is run on the whole God versus Devil, Good versus Evil thing. But I hear yours is a wee bit different.

HETH:
It’s a clockwork Earth, which God has placed to orbit the sun on a brass track of His design.

JEZ:
Technology as theology?

HETH:
Well, yes. Looking back on Mater Browlee’s lessons, I would have to say that we have mechanism, determinism, Newtonian mechanics, and indisputable Young Earth Creationism, all rolled into one. I understand your world is not so simply contrived.

JEZ:
Bless me, I’d say you can’t make that [BLEEP] up, but your Dear Creator would take me to task for that. What’s your role in all of this? Are you just one of the cogs on the wheel?

HETH:
I’m a clockmaker’s apprentice. A lowly lot in life, though I’m set out to save the world. [BRIGHTENS] I do meet my true love on the way. I believe you would refer to her as an Australopithecine.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] And here I thought I was old. Dang.

HETH:
Trust me, the lads back at Boston Latin are laughing up their sleeves at me for this.

JEZ:
So…you go for older women? Okay, four thousand is a piss in the ocean compared with someone who’s 2.5 million, give or take a million years. But still…

MEL:
AGE BEFORE BEAUTY.

JEZ:
Heh. So, Hethor, besides having an experienced woman at your side, what other cool things happen to you in MAINSPRING?

HETH:
I get to fly up one side of the 100-mile-high wall around the equator in a steam-powered zeppelin.

JEZ:
Ooh. So you’re a member of the 100-mile-high club…

HETH:
No, you don’t get it. Cities of ancient legend and lost empires are spread across a vertical continent the size of half the world.

JEZ:
Okay…

HETH:
[GRINS] I get to pass over their heads, making mock of them.

JEZ:
Heh. What’s the worst thing that happens to you in the book?

HETH:
When I fall off the other side of that 100-mile-high wall, descending from an orbital altitude to sea level.

JEZ:
Yeah, that’s got to suck.

HETH:
I get lost on the way down too.

JEZ:
Poor sweetie!

HETH:
[SHRUGS] It’s pretty much a bummer. But then, I’m afraid of falling.

JEZ:
Okay, new topic. What’s better: sex or chocolate?

HETH:
Why is this a dualism? Sex and chocolate mix so very well, in so many ways.

JEZ:
Couldn’t agree with you more. But let’s focus on the sex.

MEL:
ONE-TRACK MINDED.

JEZ:
Damn straight. Hethor, tell me, when you and your Australopithecine sweetheart are getting sweaty, who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

HETH:
Ladies’ choice, always.

JEZ:
Bless me, you are just too delicious for words.

HETH:
I can back stroke, breast stroke or Australian crawl with the best of them.

JEZ:
Oooh…

HETH:
But then, I have ambitions of being a lifetime switch-hitter.

JEZ:
Well then, sweetie, what’s your romantic fantasy?

HETH:
Mmm. [LOOKS AROUND] Shore leave, hot buttered buns and a sweet crumpet spread before me. Not that I’d have ever said that in print, mind you.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] Mel, is it getting hot in here, or is it just Hethor?

MEL:
[PUTS ON ISAAC HAYES MUSIC]

HETH:
[BLINKS] Wait, I’m sorry. Romantic fantasy?

JEZ:
Yes indeedy.

HETH:
You mean sex, not food. Right?

JEZ:
[BATS EYELASHES] As you say…

HETH:
In that case, erm, shore leave, hot buttered…

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

HETH:
Never mind.

JEZ:
Unholy Hell, I just want to lap you up with a spoon. [COUGHS] Okay, moving on. In MAINSPRING, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jay, dude, what the Hell are you making me do?

HETH:
Hah! Constantly. Why is am I in that prison made of candles surrounding a railway locomotive? Why are the Neanderthals Buddhist? He’s not going to make me eat that, is he?

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES]

HETH:
My Creator is always about seventeen steps ahead of me.

JEZ:
So they say. Me, I think they just like [BLEEP] with us. If you had your way, what would you change about MAINSPRING?

HETH:
I’d get what I want sooner, and easier.

JEZ:
Hey, Mel—make a note that Hethor might be one for Sloth. [COUGHS] Sorry, you were saying?

HETH:
[GRUMBLES] Lake made me work too damned hard.

JEZ:
Aw. Poor sweetie.

HETH:
The world is pretty, but life is difficult.

MEL:
LIFE’S A [BLEEP], THEN YOU DIE.

JEZ:
And then the party starts. If you could make Jay do anything, what would it be?

HETH:
Try jumping over the side of a ship hanging 100 feet in the air. That stupid bastard thinks it’s so easy for us characters just to do stuff. “Go here, do this, go there, do that.” Like he’s the boss or something.

JEZ:
Tell me about it. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN.] Like they would survive five minutes, doing what they make us do. Hethor, if MAINSPRING goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

HETH:
I, personally, think I should be played by Elijah Wood. But not as a hairy-footed midget.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with hairy-footed midgets.

HETH:
My lover could be played by Helena Bonham Carter in her sexy ape getup.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS]

HETH:
In fact, Mistress Carter could just come round in that getup any time she wants…

MEL:
DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

HETH:
I would want evil powers of Urban Renewal, so I could rationalize the landscapes of our world’s cities.

JEZ:
That’s different…

HETH:
I mean, have you tried to find a restaurant in Boston? Even the cabbies get lost.

JEZ:
[SNORTS] And you’re blaming Evil for that? Evil is very orderly. It’s Good that has a tendency toward chaos…

Boys and girls, give another hotter than hot round of applause for Jay Lake’s hero of MAINSPRING…Hethor Jacques!

[No, this isn't Hethor. But it is his Dear Creator, Jay Lake.]

[APPLAUSE]

The mass-market reissue of MAINSPRING will be available starting on April 29, 2008, through Barnes & Noble, Amazon, Mysterious Galaxy, and other fine bookstores near you! That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.