[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest knows the difference between hinky and kinky. Romantic Times says THE BRASS BED is filled with “many fascinating characters,” and points out the “abundance of sex.” Like I need any more motivation! Avid Fans, say hello to the heroine of Jennifer Stevenson’s THE BRASS BED…Jewel Heiss!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Jewel!

JEWEL:
Hey, there!

JEZ:
Sweetie, you’re working that navy pantsuit.

JEWEL:
[LAUGHS] At the office, it keeps men from climbing all over me. I hate the polyester, but it’s protective coloration. Your basic bodybag. [SHRUGS] I have so many ex-boyfriends littered all over Chicago that I never know when I’m going to run into one. I mean, I used to be a busy girl. My little black book is a foot thick.

JEZ:
Nice! So when you’re not worried about bumping or grinding against an ex, what do you wear?

JEWEL:
On my night to prowl, which used to be four or five nights a week, it’s too-tight spandex tops and low-rider jeans.

JEZ:
Love it!

JEWEL:
[SIGHS] But I haven’t been prowling lately. I realized six months ago I was getting into kinkier and kinkier scenes and dating scarier and scarier guys, so I went cold turkey. [SHUDDERS] What a bad idea.

JEZ:
Poor sweetie. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] So you’re a fraud cop working undercover to bust a fake sex therapist when you accidentally release a sex demon from his “treatment bed.” [GRINS] There is so much awesomeness about that, I don’t know where to begin.

JEWEL:
[COUGHS] The sex demon was once a normal guy who was bad in bed, and then his mistress cursed him.

JEZ:
Bless me, this is hysterical. What’s the curse?

JEWEL:
“You don’t get out of the bed until you satisfy a hundred women.” [PAUSES] I’m the hundredth woman.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

JEWEL:
And Randy can’t seem to stay out of a bed.

JEZ:
Randy?

JEWEL:
The sex demon.

JEZ:
Heh. Of course. Wonder if I know him…

JEWEL:
I mean, it seems like every day or two he zaps into a bed somewhere, and he can’t get out. So the hundredth woman, who is me, I have to find the bed and, uh, give him a chance to satisfy me.

JEZ:
[SMILES] Oh, the horror.

MEL:
SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL.

JEZ:
Damn straight.

JEWEL:
Picture me hiding under a sofa in the home furnishings department of Marshall Fields, waiting until closing time, so I can sneak from bed to sofabed to La-Z-Boy, trying to find where he’s trapped. Ay-yi-yi!

JEZ:
[GIGGLES]

JEWEL:
And praying there’s no security cams, because when Randy gets me into demonspace and works his wiles on me, the first thing is my clothes go flying fifty feet in all directions.

JEZ:
I take it you’re not into exhibitionism.

JEWEL:
[SHAKES HEAD] I come screaming every time.

JEZ:
Ooh!

JEWEL:
Randy is compulsive about making every woman he meets have the orgasm of a lifetime. It’s magical. It’s different every time.

JEZ:
Muse! Cue music!

MEL:
[PUTS ON BARRY WHITE CD]

JEWEL:
He can sneak into the deepest, kinkiest recesses of your mind—well, my mind anyway—and dig out fantasies I never imagined I had!

JEZ:
Details!

JEWEL:
[BLUSHES] I’m afraid of heights. We’ve done it flying a hundred feet over Lake Shore Drive in the rain. We’ve done it flying with him as a giant swan—did you know a swan’s thing is corkscrew shaped? Big surprise to me.

JEZ:
[GRINS] There’s a reason why Zeus liked to take the form of a swan…

MEL:
SHAPE OF…AN EAGLE! FORM OF…WATER!

JEWEL:
We’ve done it in the clouds, we’ve done it as flying dragons. If I scream, he just whispers in my ear, “Are you afraid because you’re aroused, or aroused because you’re afraid?”

JEZ:
[SIGHS DREAMILY] Sounds like my kind of demon…

JEWEL:
I’d spank him, only I think he’d probably love that.

JEZ:
Would you love it?

JEWEL:
Honestly? [NODS] Does that make me sick?

JEZ:
Not at all! So…you and Randy. who’s on top?

JEWEL:
He’s always on top, even when he’s not! But you know, after Randy’s pyrotechnics—sex on horseback with him behind, sex in the air with him a swan—it’s refreshing to hang with Clay.

JEZ:
Ooh. Who’s Clay?

JEWEL:
Such a sweet, regular guy. And kind of adorable and harmless in bed. For a criminal, I mean.

JEZ:
Bless me, you do demons AND criminals? Sweetie, we could practically be sisters!

JEWEL:
Well, the trouble with Clay is that he’s crooked about sex. After six months of abstinence, that is exactly what I’m starving for. [SMILES] If he ever falls off the suspect list, Randy is gonna have some serious competition.

MEL:
EAT YOUR CAKE AND HAVE IT TOO.

JEZ:
Really. Can’t you have both? Or are you more of a monogamous sort of human?

JEWEL:
[PRIMLY] I am not a boyfriend kind of girl.

JEZ:
Heh. No offense meant.

JEWEL:
Randy’s just this…this sex demon who’s like rooming with me until I can break his curse. [LAUGHS] After six months of cold turkey, I have more sex than I know what to do with. And that’s not something I’m used to saying.

JEZ:
What’s your romantic fantasy?

JEWEL:
Are you talking “romantic” or “sexy”?

JEZ:
Yes.

JEWEL:
If you ask Randy, I’m a 500-foot-deep well of sex fantasies. Me, I don’t do romance. I do sex, and I’m not fussy how I get it. It’s the “r” word that gives me the shivers.

JEZ:
[NODS] So you’re more about the wham-bam-thank you ma’am than about the flowers and softly spoken lies.

JEWEL:
Sometimes I think Clay is trying to figure me out, get emotional with me. He is a con artist, after all. Getting the upper hand is his thing. And he’s so good at it, so seductive, and he knows when to quit pushing and pull back. That’s Randy’s problem. He’s always pushing all the time.

MEL:
CAN’T GET NO SATISFACTION.

JEZ:
I don’t know. Sounds pretty damn satisfying to me. One lover’s all about the sex, the other’s all about the verbal foreplay. What’s not to like?

JEWEL:
Clay kind of tempts me to go ahead and let him get under my skin. All I have to do is not fight back so hard once in a while. On the other hand, Clay is such a compulsive liar. That’s annoying.

JEZ:
Only if you need honesty in a relationship.

JEWEL:
I’m still trying to get laid regularly without getting romantic.

JEZ:
Heh. Noted. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

JEWEL:
Sex. Are you nuts?

JEZ:
Hey, some chocolate can be positively orgasmic. Let’s see. In THE BRASS BED, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jennifer, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

JEWEL:
I had to fight tooth and nail to get through to Jennifer that I’m not this soppy romantic girly-girl who will die happy if she gets a diamond and a poz on her preggers test.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

JEWEL:
Took a few months, but she got the picture. But then, in THE VELVET CHAIR, she wanted me to be all giggly and thrilled if men were drooling down my cleavage all the time. Did we fight over that!

JEZ:
I can see that. Love the plug, by the way.

JEWEL:
[WINKS] And in THE BEARSKIN RUG, she wanted me to decide whether I wanted Clay or Randy, get serious about him, and I had to make up my mind right away. I think we drove each other crazy, ‘nameen?

JEZ:
Bless me, yes, I do. If you had your way, what would you change about THE BRASS BED?

JEWEL:
More sex, please. But Jennifer won’t let me.

JEZ:
She’s just jealous. If you could make Jennifer do anything, what would it be?

JEWEL:
Quit pushing me into a relationship! [TO COMPUTER SCREEN] You’re scaring me to death! I mean…I guess I’m willing. I guess I want it. But sheesh. Authors are so pushy.

JEZ:
They are. If THE BRASS BED goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

JEWEL:
Well, I know she’s too short, but I want Drew Barrymore to be me—sexy, tough, vulnerable.

JEZ:
A couple months in the rack would stretch out her legs. Or, barring that, some spiffy high heels should do the trick. Who should play Randy?

JEWEL:
[GRINS] Hugh Jackman would make a red-hot Randy the sex demon.

JEZ:
What about Clay, the con artist?

JEWEL:
Owen Wilson is a natural.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

JEWEL:
[PRIMLY] I am an officer of the law, you know.

JEZ:
Yeah. Your point?

JEWEL:
[PAUSES] Really evil?

JEZ:
Yeppers.

JEWEL:
Okay, hm, well. I would get Randy and Clay into bed together. I’d like to see them have sex. Is that too kinky?

JEZ:
Ah…no, not too kinky at all. Failing to see the evilness, though…

JEWEL:
It would be way disrespectful of me to demand that of them.

JEZ:
I see.

JEWEL:
In fact I could probably get Randy to fake that, in demonspace. Randy can become anything I want—a dragon, a cloud, an old boyfriend, the defensive line of the Chicago Bears—and he can be more than one guy at once, oh, yes. Oh baby. Omygod yes. But I would never ask that of him. So it would be pretty evil of me to ask.

JEZ:
Gotcha.

JEWEL:
[SMILES] But it would be fun, huh?

JEZ:
Heh. You bet, sweetie.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Jennifer Stevenson’s THE BRASS BED…Jewel Heiss!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Jewel. But it is her Dear Creator, Jennifer Stevenson.]

You can get THE BRASS BED, THE VELVET CHAIR and THE BEARSKIN RUG at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, love your inner demon.