[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest knows all about second chances. Speaking of seconds, DRIVING SIDEWAYS is well into its second printing, huzzah! The book has been hailed as “hugely entertaining and genius” by bestselling author Marian Keyes. And Booklist has this to say about it: “Smart and funny without being forced, sentimental without being maudlin, Riley’s funny, picaresque vision of America will make readers wish they could go along with Leigh on her next trip.” Author Kristy Kiernan calls this Target Break-Out Book “brilliant” and says: “Jess Riley proves herself a huge new talent.”

Give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Jess Riley’s debut novel, DRIVING SIDEWAYS…Leigh Fielding!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Leigh!

LEIGH:
[WAVES HELLO]

JEZ:
[GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] So you start things off by being terminally ill at twenty-eight. Ugh, that sucks.

LEIGH:
My daily medication regimen is a drug rep’s wet dream.

JEZ:
So I assume it can only get better from there, right?

LEIGH:
Where to begin? I’m on a cross-country road trip with a seventeen year-old hitchhiker, who conned her way along for the ride by stealing my purse—and medication—at a roadside rest area.

JEZ:
Ouch.

LEIGH:
One of my parents is dead; the other, who knows where. My overprotective brother James is suffocating me, and I can’t even have a beer when I have a bad day.

JEZ:
Yikes.

LEIGH:
What’s more, while a wife with the lifespan of a fruit fly might appeal to some men, most prefer a partner with a bit more staying power when they settle down for the long haul. So most dates I’ve encountered over the last few years have been of the edible variety.

JEZ:
Bless me, someone needs a hug.

MEL:
FALLEN ON HARD TIMES.

JEZ:
For real. Leigh, has anything good happened to you? I mean, getting a root canal without Novocain would be cake compared to the [BLEEP] that you go through…

LEIGH:
My recent kidney transplant gave me one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. I finally feel well enough to LIVE, to achieve the things I always wanted to do. I have the best friends in the world, and I’m breaking out of my bubble. So what if I had to convince myself I was channeling the traits of my unknown kidney donor to do it?

JEZ:
Say what now?

LEIGH:
My New Age best friend Jillian talked me into thinking I was channeling the characteristics of my dead kidney donor.

JEZ:
Oh my.

LEIGH:
I DO listen to some new music, and I HAVE taken up some new hobbies, and I AM eating new foods…but is this all in my head?

JEZ:
Could be. Or maybe some of your meds are screwing with you.

LEIGH:
This is one reason why I need to meet my donor’s family. I have to find out if I’m simply finally embracing life, or if I’m just a fool.

MEL:
A FOOL’S PARADISE?

JEZ:
Who cares, as long as it’s working? Okay, enough with the sadness and the possibility of a mental breakdown. Let’s talk sex. According to my notes, you’re a prime candidate for a ménage a trois. Sweet! Let’s have some details on the men in your life. Any preferred positions?

LEIGH:
Well, I just met Chris, but he does look like the kind of guy who really knows his way around a vagina.

JEZ:
Hee, that’s an excellent start. But the question is, can he follow through?

LEIGH:
I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Seth? Now he was a little freaky—a nurse I know once made the comment, “What’s with Midwestern boys sticking objects into their rectums or penises?” Seth could probably give you all kinds of answers to that question.

JEZ:
Hah! So what’s your romantic fantasy?

LEIGH:
My fantasy? Other than living past the age of thirty?

JEZ:
Romantic fantasy, sweetie. Pretend there’s a happily ever after.

LEIGH:
Well, since I haven’t gotten laid since the Pleistocene Era and simply sitting next to an attractive man is nearly enough to give me an orgasm that could warp space and bend a beam of light, let’s focus on baby steps.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

LEIGH:
Just falling in love.

JEZ:
Really?

LEIGH:
Yeah, I’m one of those girls, I guess. And then getting laid.

JEZ:
Bingo! Which is better: sex or chocolate?

LEIGH:
Sex. Definitely.

JEZ:
[GRINS] So, in DRIVING SIDEWAYS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jess, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

LEIGH:
Jess is all right. But that bit about the kiss on the Ferris wheel? I could have done without.

JEZ:
Ooh…

LEIGH:
And really, one automobile mishap would have been more than enough for me.

JEZ:
Er. I take it there’s more than one?

LEIGH:
Also, I was pretty pissed when she destroyed my kayak.

JEZ:
Hah! Sounds like you really pissed your Creator off in another life. Good for you! If you had your way, what would you change about DRIVING SIDEWAYS?

LEIGH:
Well, if I told you, I’d give away a major plot point, and control freak Ms. Riley might not like that.

JEZ:
Heh. Spoilsport.

LEIGH:
[WHISPERS] Between you and me, it might be fun to get back at her for the kayak incident that way.

JEZ:
So if you could make Jess do anything, what would it be?

LEIGH:
Lighten the hell up! And give me a cameo in the next book.

JEZ:
[SMILES] Good luck with both of those, sweetie. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

LEIGH:
I wish the ice-cream truck would stop playing “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” It’s about to make me stab my ears with pencils.

JEZ:
It’s a little-known secret that demons actually program all ice-cream truck music. Their devious plan is working! Bwahahahah! [COUGHS] Anyway…clothing time! Where do you shop?

LEIGH:
I’m pretty broke, so I buy most of my clothing at Target. I’d hit thrift stores, but I don’t want to accidentally catch crabs from a pair of pants.

JEZ:
Bless me, you are the most adorable thing. What’s your standard outfit?

LEIGH:
Driven by comfort: shorts, flip-flops, a soft and lived-in T-shirt.

JEZ:
Nice. What wouldn’t you be caught dead in?

LEIGH:
Anything that cost more than my weekly salary—which, if I told you what that was, you’d laugh ’til you puked.

MEL:
MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU HAPPINESS.

JEZ:
But it can buy lots of other things. Sparkly things. But I digress. Leigh, If DRIVING SIDEWAYS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

LEIGH:
Ellen Paige might make a good Leigh. Or Lauren Ambrose.

JEZ:
What about Chris, who knows his way around a vagina?

LEIGH:
Rainn Wilson would make an excellent Chris.

JEZ:
That image is going to stay with me the next time I catch an episode of THE OFFICE. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

LEIGH:
Well, I was raised Catholic in the Midwest. It’s nearly beyond my imagination to imagine spiffy evil powers. Tempting, but the guilt afterwards would be a high price to pay.

JEZ:
Heh. That’s sort of the point.

LEIGH:
Between you and me, I like the idea of all current and former bullies being struck with chronic low back pain. Or herpes.

JEZ:
Attagirl!

Ladies and gentlemen, give another round of applause to the star of Jess Riley’s debut novel, DRIVING SIDEWAYS…Leigh Fielding!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Leigh, but it is her Dear Creator, Jess Riley.]

A note from Jess Riley about Polycystic Kidney Disease: It’s a bitch of a condition, and more people need to know about it, because it’s more common than cystic fibrosis, Down syndrome, muscular dystrophy, and sickle cell anemia COMBINED—the most common life-threatening genetic disease worldwide, yet there is no cure, and no Labor Day telethon to raise funds for research. So we need to start with raising awareness. To learn more, go to: www.pkdcure.org.

You can buy DRIVING SIDEWAYS at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Target, your favorite independent bookseller, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.