[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
And now, for all of you readers out there who ever wanted to live happily ever after, our next guests could tell you it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Romantic Times, in a 4.5-star top pick review, says “Hines’ strength in his brilliantly plotted, cleverly imaginative book is character concepts and interactions. The action never stops, and the characters are painstakingly real. Readers will laugh and find the tale is over before they’re ready to finish reading.” And Esther Friesner, author of Nobody’s Princess, says: “THE STEPSISTER SCHEME is not your Grandma’s fairy tale. Action, intrigue, romance, action, treachery, and did I mention action? These princesses will give Charlie’s Angels a serious run for the money, and leave ‘em in the dust. Read it!”

Avid Fans, give a standing ovation to the three stars of Jim C. Hines’ latest novel, THE STEPSISTER SCHEME…Danielle De Glas, Snow White, and Talia!

[APPLAUSE]

Welcome, your majesties! What a thrill to have you here!

DANIELLE:
Thank you so much. What a lovely little studio. And so clean, too.

SNOW:
Reminds me a little of my mom’s old place, actually. Not so much the decor, but the demonic feel brings back memories.

TALIA:
[TO SNOW] You had a bizarre childhood.

JEZ:
This is going to be a fun interview! Ladies, if you had to give a one-line description of THE STEPSISTER SCHEME, what would it be?

DANIELLE:
Well, Mr. Hines keeps describing us as “Fairy tale princesses crossed with Charlie’s Angels.”

SNOW:
[SMILES] Of course, some of us are more angelic than others.

TALIA:
The book starts when someone decides to invite her stepsister in for a chat [SLIDES A LOOK AT DANIELLE], never thinking that the stepsister who’s tormented her for most of her life might be planning more than a quick “Congratulations on your wedding!”

DANIELLE:
I wanted to try to fix things between us. And besides, it’s not like I knew they had already kidnapped my husband.

SNOW:
[TO DANIELLE] Don’t listen to Talia. She’s still cranky because Charlotte got the best of her that day.

TALIA:
[GLOWERS]

SNOW:
[BRIGHTLY] Now, if you’d had me and my magic up there, this would have been a short story at best.

TALIA:
[TO SNOW] I remember how well your magic worked when we finally caught up with Stacia and Charlotte. If not for me–

DANIELLE:
[SIGHS] Would you believe they were like this for the whole book?

JEZ:
Heh. This is why I prefer first-person. Less competition. By the way, I love the gown.

DANIELLE:
[BLUSHES] I’m still getting used to all this luxury. Silk and pearls and gold, gowns that cost more than my family earned in a year … to be honest, I was much more comfortable traveling in disguise, just blending in with the crowd.

JEZ:
Anything you wouldn’t be caught dead in?

TALIA:
Pretty much anything from Snow’s wardrobe.

SNOW:
[BLOWS A RASPBERRY] Just because I like the way I look. Though I suppose there are those who appreciate the “armed to the teeth” style you’ve got there. I know a man who would love that little whip you carry. He used to–

DANIELLE:
[TO JEZ] The. Whole. Book.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] So what would you say was the worst thing about your situation in the book? Other than sharing the spotlight?

DANIELLE:
Mr. Hines wanted to stay true to the older stories about us.

MEL:
AGE BEFORE BEAUTY.

JEZ:
[SWEETLY] You mean that Disney doesn’t stay true to the source material? Shocking…

DANIELLE:
If you read the Sleeping Beauty and Snow White stories, you’ll know what Talia and Snow had to endure.

JEZ:
[SMILES] Sweetie, you’re talking to a former demon. Grimm’s Fairy Tales are Hell’s primer books. Up until the happily ever afters, that is.

DANIELLE:
[BLUSHES] The Cinderella tales aren’t quite as bad, but none of us needed to be reminded of those torments.

JEZ:
Like?

DANIELLE:
Snow’s own mother hired a man to cut out Snow’s heart, and Talia–

TALIA:
Say another word, and princess or no, I’ll stuff this entire chair down your throat.

JEZ:
Ooh! Cat fight!

DANIELLE:
[TO TALIA] You know I wouldn’t share your secrets, Talia. I was only going to say you had a harder time than some of the stories make it seem.

JEZ:
Heh. Of course you were. Anything good happen to you in the book?

DANIELLE:
Meeting Snow and Talia and Queen Beatrice. I always dreamed about the kind of family I might have had if my mother had lived, or if my father had married someone else. This … well, it’s not exactly what I imagined.

SNOW:
[ARCHES AN EYEBROW]

DANIELLE:
All right, it’s not even close. But I love these women, and I’m so glad to have found them.

SNOW:
Well, I was going to talk about this cute gnome I met, but how am I supposed to follow that?

JEZ:
Cute gnome? Isn’t that an oxymoron? [GLANCES AT NOTES] Okay, hit me with one ridiculous thing that happens in the book.

TALIA:
Riding a rat.

SNOW:
Troll hair!

DANIELLE:
[SIGHS] Listening to these two arguing while storming a fairy tower.

JEZ:
Okay Danielle, spill. You and Prince Armand. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

DANIELLE:
Preferred positions? Wait, are you talking about–

JEZ:
[WAGGLES EYEBROWS] Yeppers.

DANIELLE:
[HORRIFIED] You can’t ask me that!

SNOW:
[LAUGHS] Poor Danielle. She has so much to learn….

MEL:
IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

JEZ:
But experience is orgasmic.

SNOW:
[TO DANIELLE] You know, I have a number of books, several of which include illustrations. I’d be happy to lend you–

TALIA:
Next question!

JEZ:
Well, if you won’t kiss and tell, at least share your romantic fantasy.

SNOW:
How much time do you have?

JEZ:
For you? All the time in the world.

SNOW:
I was reading about mermaids, and how the women of the royal line secrete a taste into the water during breeding time that drives the entire tribe into a frenzy.

JEZ:
Ooh!

SNOW:
I’m not exactly sure how that would affect humans, but I thought a trip to the beach might be in order. Just me and three or four friends swimming and splashing together….

JEZ:
Did I give you my business card?

MEL:
FOCUS POWER.

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Right. Next question. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

SNOW:
Why is this an either/or question?

JEZ:
[SHRUGS] You’d be amazed by some of the answers I get. So, in THE STEPSISTER SCHEME, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jim, sweetie, what the Hell are you making us do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

DANIELLE:
I wish my stepsisters had chosen differently, but a part of me understands why they made those choices.

TALIA:
[TO DANIELLE] Because they’re evil and more than a little mad? Not to mention being the most spoiled bitches I’ve ever had the good fortune to pummel?

DANIELLE:
[PRIMLY] The point is, we did what we had to do in order to stop them.

SNOW:
Everything worked out, so why dwell on it? If I spent all of my time thinking about things I’d change, everything from that silly apple to that fling I had with Prince Armand, I’d–

DANIELLE:
[SPLUTTERS] What? Armand never said anything about that…When did you–

SNOW:
[WINKS] Gotcha.

JEZ:
Um, princess, put the sword down please. If you had your way, what would you change about THE STEPSISTER SCHEME?

SNOW:
I’d get some foil on the cover. I love the embossing, but I think a little gold and silver trim would make the whole thing perfect.

TALIA:
Some of the villains got what they deserved at the end of the story. Some, but not all. I’d love an extra chapter that gives me an hour in a locked room with the rest.

JEZ:
Ooh. Violence. Yum! If you could make Jim do anything, what would it be?

TALIA:
Jim needs to hurry up and finish our third book, RED HOOD’S REVENGE. He left me in a very uncomfortable place at the end of chapter four, and if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll wrap things up without any more unpleasant surprises.

DANIELLE:
[TO TALIA] I’m sure Mr. Hines knows what he’s doing.

SNOW:
[TO DANIELLE] You think so? Have you seen his first drafts?

JEZ:
Must be a Creator thing. Jackie’s first drafts are scary. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

DANIELLE:
[SMILES] I feel so fortunate. I had a mother who loved me, who was able to stay with me even after her death, and who helped me to meet a wonderful man and discover a new family. I wish more people could have those gifts.

TALIA:
[TO JEZ] And she was like that for the whole book.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

SNOW:
[TO TALIA] Danielle’s a sweet girl, that’s all. A few more books with you, and I’m sure she’ll be drinking and grumbling and beating up everything in her way.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. What about in the publishing world? What would you change?

SNOW:
More books! When I first came to Lorindar, I spent months hiding away in the royal library. There’s nothing in the world better than the feel of a good, long, hard … book in your hands.

JEZ:
Heh.

DANIELLE:
We need more support for independent bookstores, the ones who are competing with the industry giants and struggling to keep their dreams alive. The world needs those cozy stores, where a purring cat greets you at the door and the staff are so full of love and passion for their books.

TALIA:
[ROLLS EYES] The. Whole. Book.

JEZ:
So, there’s rumors of THE STEPSISTER SCHEME going Hollywood. Care to comment?

DANIELLE:
If we’ve learned anything from Mr. Hines’ book, it’s that you can’t believe every story you hear.

SNOW:
I think it would be fun. Mickey could play one of Danielle’s rats, and Tinkerbell could be the drunk pixie from chapter eight.

TALIA:
The rumors have tripled Hines’ web site hits, so he’s not complaining. I’m just waiting to see who they pick to play me.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

TALIA:
When I was born, I received certain “gifts” from the local fairies, but there was one who cursed me to die on my 16th birthday. Can these powers help me find that fairy, if she’s still alive?

JEZ:
Yeppers.

TALIA:
Let’s talk after this interview is over.

DANIELLE:
[TO TALIA] Talia, you can’t. My stepsisters had the chance to use “spiffy” evil powers, and look what it did to them.

TALIA:
[TO DANIELLE] Look what they did to us! Besides, your stepsisters are idiots.

JEZ:
[GIGGLES] Well put! Mel, rustle up the paperwork, would you?

Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the stars of Jim C. Hines’ fabulous THE STEPSISTER SCHEME, Danielle, Snow and Talia!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Danielle. Or Snow. Or Talia. But it is their Dear Creator, Jim C. Hines.]

You can get THE STEPSISTER SCHEME at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

Our friend Jig, the cutie goblin hero from Jim C. Hines’ GOBLIN series, told me that his Dear Creator is giving away free copies of GOBLIN QUEST!

Here’s the official post. Looks like all you have to do is leave a comment to convince the man why you should get your grubby hands on his book for free. My own Dear Creator has read GOBLIN QUEST and howled with laughter.

So go on. You know you want one. All the cool kids are doing it. It’s practically stealing…without all the Hellish repercussions.

Stay tuned to Cat and Muse for an interview later today! And remember: love your inner demon. (And goblin.)

Smooches!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
So, it’s the day after midterm elections in the United States. A huge huzzah to Nancy Pelosi, who in January 2007 will be the first-ever female Speaker of the House.

MEL:
Girl power.

JEZ:
You know it, sweetie. That being said, I’m not at all surprised to see that even with Nancy moving in, these other two ladies have made it to the spotlight.
First, the lovely Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, also known as K-[BLEEP].

MEL:
[SINGS] Oops, you think I’m in love.
JEZ:
And let’s not forget the inimitable Faith Hill, who, when losing the Country Music Award’s coveted Best Female Vocalist award to Carrie Underdog—er, Underwood, mouthed “WHAT???” before storming off.

MEL:
[SINGS] Hello, oh no, goodbye.

JEZ:
Heh. Next up on Cat and Muse is one of my favorite creatures. I adore goblins. They’ve been in legends almost as long as demons have, and they make terrific bad guys who fight Spider-Man. They’ve been in tons of movies and, of course, poems.

MEL:
“Morning and evening, maids heard the goblins cry: “Come buy our orchard fruits, come buy, come buy.”

JEZ:
Bless me, I get positively giddy whenever I hear Mel’s version of “Goblin Market.” She puts just the right purr into the appropriate words.

MEL:
“She sucked and sucked and sucked the more, fruits which that unknown orchard bore; she sucked until her lips were sore, then flung the emptied rinds away.”

JEZ:
Ooh, shivers! Avid Fans, please give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Jim C. Hines’ debut novel, Gobin Quest—Jig!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, sweetie!

JIG:
Are you a real demon?

JEZ:
In a manner of speaking.

JIG:
Please don’t eat me.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] Sweetie, first of all, I try to limit all my eating to take place in bed. And second, you’re here for an interview, not dinner. No worries.

JIG:
I’m a runt. No meat. Let me go, and I’ll bring you a much better goblin to eat. Maybe Trok. He’s big and dumb, and he never makes it to the privy in time after drinking klak beer, so I always have to clean up his—

JEZ:
Jig, honey, as much as I go for the big and dumb types, I promise that I’m not going to eat Trok. Or you.

JIG:
Actually, if you wanted to eat Trok, that would be okay.

JEZ:
Tell you what: let’s get right into the questions. In Goblin Quest, you get stuck leading a band of adventurers into dangerous mountain passages. What’s the worst part about being a goblin Boy Scout?

JIG:
Well, some nights I have nightmares about the lizard-fish.

JEZ:
Lizard-fish?

JIG:
Other nights it’s the Necromancer. And the dragon, of course.

JEZ:
Of course.

JIG:
And the adventurers too. And last night, I woke up from a nightmare where all I had to eat was human bread. Have you ever eaten bread? With that hard, nasty crust, and that dirty dry foam inside the shell?

JEZ:
Sounds even worse than milk.

JIG:
The adventurers spread yellow grease on it to help it slide down their throats, but I didn’t get any. Awful, nasty stuff.

JEZ:
Aw, poor guy. Is there anything decent about your mountain adventure? Or does it all pretty much suck to be you?

JIG:
[HOISTS ONE FOOT] I got these boots! Blue with white fur fringe and orange flames inked onto the side. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?

JEZ:
Ooh. Is that going to be part of the Jimmy Choo’s winter lineup?

MEL:
These boots are made for walking.

JEZ:
No doubt. Tell me, Jig, what smells better: rotting fish, or goblin cooking?

JIG:
That depends on how the goblin is prepared. Golaka did a smoked jerky out of the last chief, with blue fungus flakes and klak sauce.

JEZ:
I do so lovee the guests with a sense of humor…

MEL:
It’s a dog-eat-dog world.

JEZ:
So to speak.

JIG:
Some of the other goblins added fire-spider eggs, but I don’t eat those anymore, and—wait, is that not what you meant?

JEZ:
Er. Speaking of fire-spiders, in Goblin Quest you’re best friends with one, a guy called Smudge. It’s nice to see that not all spiders are doomed to be evil creatures that eat people. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) How did you and Smudge become friends?

JIG:
I was on muck duty, when a goblin named Ropak threw a fire-spider at my head. If a scared fire-spider hit my muck spoon, it would have been bad, so I caught him. I still have the burn scars on my hand.

JEZ:
Ouch.

JIG:
Later, Ropak and I had to go fight some Cloudlings and their magic birds. Actually, Jim wrote all about it in a story called “Goblin Hero.”

JEZ:
You mean your Dear Creator, Jim Hines?

JIG:
He says it’s going to be published in something called Bash Down the Door and Slice Open the Badguy. I don’t know why he wrote about it. Authors are weird.

JEZ:
They are. And so demanding…

JIG:
He’s pretty good at telling me what he wants, though.

JEZ:
Who, your Creator?

JIG:
No, Smudge. When he’s scared, he gets hot and hides. When he’s hungry, he bites me. When he’s mad, or when he’s really scared, he sets me on fire. He’s very easy to understand.

JEZ:
Sounds like an ideal friendship. Moving on: describe three uses for muck.

JIG:
Well, it burns really well without a lot of smoke, which is why we use it to light the lair. And there’s a byproduct called turgog powder that’s good for slipping into other goblins’ food. It makes the worst rash. Lately I’ve been using it to train Smudge. He eats muck like it’s pudding. I’m trying to teach him not to set me on fire, but it’s not working very well yet.

JEZ:
Stick with it, sweetie. Tell me, which is more frightening: getting caught trespassing by lizard-fish, or getting caught stealing food from Golaka?

JIG:
You’ve never met Golaka, have you?

JEZ:
Ah. Right, then. So in Goblin Quest, there’s a powerful item called the Rod of Creation. Me, I’m used to rods of a different nature. Care to explain what this uber magic item is?

JIG:
Darnak had a great song about the Rod. I sang it to some of the goblins back at the lair, and they loved it.

JEZ:
Ooh! Would you do us the honors?

JIG:
[SINGS]

There was a mage named Ellnorein, who lived in times long past.
A merrier man was rarely seen, for he made magic last.
One day he met a lonely queen, a lass as pure as gold.
His eye for beauty was quite keen, so he said in this bold.
“A wizard am I, whom many dread, with power like a God.
So come with me to yonder bed and see my mighty rod.”

JEZ:
[CLAPS] Awesome!

JIG:
I don’t think that’s right, though, because the Rod of Creation just transforms things into other things. Unless Ellnorein was going to transform the queen, maybe into a good blanket?

JEZ:
Heh. Or something.

MEL:
Size doesn’t matter.

JEZ:
You lie, Muse.

MEL:
Good things come in small packages.

JEZ:
Well, I agree with you on that point. Jig here is a so-called runt, but I think he’s pretty damn terrific. Okay, sweetie, here’s a scenario for you. You’re leading your band of intrepid adventurers down unexplored caverns, and you walk into a dragon’s den. Do you stand and fight, shriek like a girly girl and hide, or use a human as a living shield and pray the others will kill the beast?

JIG:
You shouldn’t shriek when you hide. But if someone else shrieks, that’s good, because they’ll distract the dragon and you can run away.

JEZ:
[GRINS] Duly noted. In Goblin Quest, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jim, dude, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

JIG:
Mostly he made me do stuff, and I plotted what I would do to him if I ever got the chance. I don’t like Jim very much.

JEZ:
I so hear that. Damned Creators. If you had your way, what would you change about Goblin Quest?

JIG:
Oh, that’s easy. It would be some other goblin getting sucked into that stupid adventure. And while he struggled to survive, I’d stay safe in the lair and steal his stuff.

JEZ:
What about in the publishing world? Anything you or Jim wish could be different?

JIG:
I’m told the book is selling pretty well. Everybody, please STOP BUYING IT! I don’t care how much fun it is to read. It wasn’t fun for me! And if the book does well, he’ll write more, and I’ll keep getting dragged into these stupid adventures.

JEZ:
Oh, poor sweetie.

JIG:
He’s already put me through a second adventure in a novel called Goblin Hero, which is supposed to come out in May. That one was even worse! But it’s not too late! No matter what you do, DON’T BUY THIS BOOK!

JEZ:
If Goblin Quest went the way of Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

JIG:
Jim said something called Dreamworks was talking about doing that.

JEZ:
Really?

JIG:
What a horrible idea.

JEZ:
Really?

JIG:
Bad enough I have nightmares every night. I don’t want to see everything again when I’m awake. So I prayed to Tymalous Shadowstar, and he made sure Dreamworks passed. If I had to be in a movie though, I’d want to be played by Yoda.

JEZ:
You mean the character from Star Wars?

JIG:
He had the best sword ever, and he’s got great goblin ears, even if they are green.

JEZ:
I’m more of a Star Trek gal. Probably because Jim Kirk banged every female creature he encountered. Final question: if you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your powers for?

JIG:
Well, most people say goblins are evil, but we don’t get much power. But if I did have power like Straum the dragon or Ryslind the wizard, I think I’d use it to make a nice hat to go with my boots. Something that would protect my hair from Smudge. Maybe with a shiny dragon scale on the front.

JEZ:
I love the way you think, you fashion-conscious creature! Avid Fans, give it up for Jig, the star of Jim C. Hines’ Goblin Quest, on sale now!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me and my fellow Kensington Succubus Diva, Georgina, at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It also comes in five fantastic fruit flavors.

Smooches!