[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
So every once in a while, we’re lucky to get repeat performers. You know the ones—those guests who just have to come back for more. Like multiple orgasms, they’re the gifts that keep on giving!

We first met the delicious Ravirn when he was promoting his first book, WEBMAGE. Since then, he’s become an agent of Chaos, has pissed off more gods than you can shake a stick at, and has learned that sleeping with a Fury can have unforeseen consequences.

MEL:
LOVE, ACTUALLY?

JEZ:
Hush, Muse. We’re not allowed to give anything away. Says Huntress Book Reviews of MYTHOS: “As always, this author writes a smooth flowing tale that entices the imagination and leaves me hungry for more.”

Oh yeah. Ravirn always leaves me hungry for more! Boys and girls, give a standing, O for the return of Kelly McCullough’s star of WEB MAGE, CYBERMANCY, CODESPELL and MYTHOS…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, sweetie!

RAVIRN:
[GRINNING] Jez. And lovelier than ever. It’s always a pleasure to see you.

JEZ:
Oh bless me, I’ve missed such flattery. [FANS SELF]

RAVIRN:
[TURNS AND WAVES] Melpomene, Thalia sends her best.

MEL:
[SINGS] WE ARE FAMILY. I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME.

RAVIRN:
[TO JEZ] When Grandma heard I was coming on the show, she made me promise to say hello to her sister, though her original request included a squirting flower. [ROLLS EYES] Muse of Comedy, what can you do?

JEZ:
I hear you. If your grandmother ever appeared on the show, it would give “dramedy” a whole new meaning.

RAVIRN:
Life must be treating you well, because really, you look great.

JEZ:
You know how it goes. Star in a book or two, get some time off to do naughty things, then gear up for another romp between the sheets. Of paper, of course. [WINKS] So, gorgeous, because you’ve already gone through all the questions before…something different for you. For our listeners, be warned: spoilers follow.

MEL:
[DISABLES SPOILALERT]

JEZ:
Ready? Here we go. Black or white?

RAVIRN:
I’m not a big fan of black and white. Neither as worldview nor in terms of being entirely on either side.

JEZ:
As long as you still buy the book, my Dear Creator will be happy. But why nothing so stark, sweetie? Are you only shades of gray?

RAVIRN:
[SNORTS] I’m definitely getting there. I’ve lived my life on the extremes in many ways. I went from the family of Fate, who are all law and order all the time, into the arms of Chaos, where the only rule is do as thou wilt.

JEZ:
And the problem is?

RAVIRN:
Both sides are too quick to throw rocks. Unfortunately, that leaves me standing out in the middle of the field with all those rocks zipping by.

JEZ:
Hmm. Best learn to duck, then. Or get better armor. Next question: Cerise or Tisiphone?

RAVIRN:
That’s really a question of past and future. I will always love Cerice on some level. She was one of the few members of my generation of the Greek pantheon whom I actually liked. She’s brilliant and beautiful. She even saved my life.

JEZ:
Uh huh.

RAVIRN:
At the same time, we’re really, really bad for each other.

JEZ:
You say that like it’s a bad thing. [GRINS] What about Tisiphone?

RAVIRN:
Tisiphone…what to say about Tisiphone? Perhaps “She’s not just a date, she’s an adventure?”

JEZ:
Heh. I don’t think so.

RAVIRN:
[SMILES] How about, “I was born to play with fire?”

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES] Yep, that’ll do it. Next question: Greek or Norse?

RAVIRN:
I’m currently leaning toward atheism.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

RAVIRN:
If I could just get them not to believe in me, I’d be there in a heartbeat. But since we know that’s not going to happen, I’m going to reluctantly express a slight preference toward Norse.

JEZ:
Why?

RAVIRN:
The odds that I can convince them to leave me alone are better.

JEZ:
Ah. Abandonment issues.

RAVIRN:
More like abandonment fantasies. Even if I could talk my Greek peeps into leaving me out of all the inter-pantheonic sniping, there are simply too many gods and goddettes who have a personal stake in my appearance on the cosmic obituary page. And yes, I know Eris is going to kill me for “goddettes,” but I couldn’t resist.

JEZ:
And who could blame you? Speaking of agents of Chaos…Eris or Loki?

RAVIRN:
Eris, no question. For all that she’s a dangerous manipulative psycho on some levels–I know, I know: goddess, duh–she can still occasionally see people for themselves, not for how she can use them.

JEZ:
Obviously, she’s not into politics.

RAVIRN:
Loki is simply too bitter. I’m not saying he doesn’t have reason to be what he is, just that what he is is someone I’d really rather not spend too much time with.

JEZ:
Fair enough. Mel or Laginn? [ASIDE] And no, Mel, not you. I’m referring to Melchior. Because of course Ravirn would pick you.

MEL:
[SMILES] FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES.

RAVIRN:
Oh, definitely Mel, if for no other reason than he can lend me two hands when I step in it again.

MEL:
COLD HANDS, WARM HEART.

RAVIRN:
Really, that doesn’t do him enough justice. As much as I like Laginn’s style–how can you not love the undead hand of a god?–Mel is virtually another part of my brain. The part that actually thinks.

JEZ:
And with that, we segue into thinking with the other head. Sex or chocolate?

RAVIRN:
Normally, I say chocolate with sex, but things have changed now that I’m dating a woman who has to be careful not to start things on fire with her hair. When you heat chocolate up the way Tisiphone does, it starts to cross the line from “sexy” to “scalding.” At that point, it’s no question at all. Sex. Definitely sex. With chocolate after.

JEZ:
Mmm. Sweetie, if you didn’t have a girlfriend who could rend me into itsy bitsy demon pieces in the blink of an eye, I’d do very bad things with you. Raven or Ravirn?

RAVIRN:
Ravirn. While Raven’s really starting to grow on me, it’s in the manner of an unfortunate rash.

JEZ:
Aw. You know, I’d be happy to rub some ointment where it burns…

RAVIRN:
[COUGHS, BLUSHES] Let’s not talk about burns. Tisiphone’s…well, never mind. What was the question? Oh, right. Look, as much as I like the powers that come with the Raven brand, it’s simply not me. I hope.

JEZ:
Alas. Order or Chaos?

RAVIRN:
Go team Chaos, rah? [PAUSES] We’re not as bad as the other guy?

MEL:
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.

RAVIRN:
Hey, what I lack in enthusiasm for Chaos, I make for with ambiguity in my opposition to Order. [SHRUGS] Well, there’s no question which side of that equation has a little picture of my face on it. But again, I’m not big on extremes.

JEZ:
If you could tell your Dear Creator one thing, what would it be?

RAVIRN:
The number of an abandoned Swiss bank account holding a large fortune.

JEZ:
Really?

RAVIRN:
Why are you giving me that look? It’s not like I like the guy. I’m just hoping that a big enough cash disbursement might convince him to retire. Or at least go pick on some other central character for a while.

JEZ:
Ah. Bribery. [NODS] That I can understand.

RAVIRN:
Writers are all about the shiny, right? It’s pretty much a given that if they didn’t have bills and deadlines focusing their attentions, they’d keep getting distracted.

JEZ:
Some writers manage to get distracted, even with the deadlines and bills. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Hear that, Kessler?

JACKIE:
[OFF CAMERA] You want me to write this short story about you, or you want to just bitch some more?

JEZ:
[MUTTERS] Bless me, one day she’ll actually write that [BLEEP] story, and then she won’t have anything to hang over my head. [COUGHS] Last question: Half empty or half full?

RAVIRN:
Time to get a bigger bottle, because there’s clearly space for more single malt in that glass. [SMILES] Which is to say, I like what I’m drinking so far, but there’s definitely room for bigger portions.

JEZ:
Mmm. I love a challenge. Hang on, sweetie–after I wrap this up, you and me are going bar hopping.

RAVIRN:
Have I mentioned that I love this show?

JEZ:
[WINKS] You can tell me again and again.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Kelly McCullough’s WEB MAGE series…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't the scrumptious Ravirn. But it is his Dear Creator, Kelly McCullough. Apparently, hiding.]

The WEB MAGE series includes:

WEB MAGE
CYBERMANCY
CODE SPELL
MYTHOS
And in June 2010: SPELLCRASH

You can get the books at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Mysterious Galaxy, Flights of Fantasy, other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
We’re thrilled by the return of our next guest. We first met him last year, and I have to say, I haven’t stopped thinking about him. [SIGHS HAPPILY] He’s just so yummy.

MEL:
SEXY BEAST.

JEZ:
You said it, Mel. He is. And he’s in another novel! Here’s what Romantic Times has to say about CODESPELL: “This third book featuring hacker extraordinaire Ravirn is every bit of a fast-paced, energetic, page-turner as its predecessors. Ravirn continues to be a fascinating protagonist, and the chaotic twists of the plot carry the reader through to the end.”

And he is fascinating, all right. And gorgeous. And powerful. And…[FANS SELF]

MEL:
GETTING OFF TRACK.

JEZ:
Whoops. Where were we? Oh, right. Reviews. [READS CUE CARDS] From Publishers Weekly: “A hint of cyberpunk, a dollop of Greek mythology and a sprinkle of techno-magic bake up into an airy genre mashup. Lots of fast-paced action and romantic angst up the ante as Ravirn faces down his formidable foes.”

Ooh, romantic angst! Poor Ravirn. Heh.

MEL:
LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD.

JEZ:
Boys and girls, give a standing, screaming O for the return of Kelly McCullough’s fantabulous star of WEBMAGE, CYBERMANCY and now CODESPELL…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE, AND SOME DROOLING FROM THE HOST]

Heya, sweetie!

RAVIRN:
Hey, Jez. It’s great to be back on the show.

JEZ:
Thanks, sweetie. Love having you. [WINKS] It’s been a while since we’ve last spoken. Are you still pissing off Fate?

RAV:
Well, at this point, pissing off Fate is a function of my breathing. As long as I’m doing it, Fate’s pissed off.

JEZ:
Bless me, you’re still witty. And still gorgeous. [SIGHS DREAMILY] Last book, you were flitting off to the underworld to do the hero thing and save the world, yada yada. Is there more of the same in CODESPELL?

RAV:
No underworld, thank all the gods. Hades has made it clear that if he ever catches me there again, it’s all over.

JEZ:
Literally. So what’ve you been doing? Playing Nintendo?

RAV:
Actually, I’ve mostly been working on the next book, the one that comes out a year after CODESPELL. It’s called MYTHOS. It turns out the gods have been lying about the way the universe works. Gods lying…now there’s a surprise.

JEZ:
I’m shocked. So, details. What happens in MYTHOS?

RAV:
I can’t say much, since it’s still under wraps.

JEZ:
Heh. A plug **and** a taunt. Well played! Now, enough with the disclaimers. Gotta give me something. And take that as you will. [WAGGLES EYEBROWS]

RAV:
Picture one of those Mac vs. PC ads, with Eris and Loki in the speaking roles. [PAUSES] Okay, so that’s really more of Mac vs. Mac ad, but you get the picture.

JEZ:
Gorgeous and geeky. Yum…

MEL:
FOCUS POWER.

JEZ:
Yeah, yeah, I’m focused. I’m focused on Ravirn. By the way, I love the look, sweetie. Have you gotten sexier since I last saw you?

RAV:
[BLUSHES] Depends. Is scar tissue sexy?

JEZ:
Unholy Hell, yes…

RAV:
Well, I am getting kind of fond of the glow-in-the-dark eyes, but they’re not so popular with Cerice.

JEZ:
Oh, right. [SNIFFS] The girlfriend. Well, maybe. [PERKS UP] And then there’s Eris, goddess of discord and the sworn enemy of Fate, as well as your mentor. Maybe. And there’s Tisiphone, one of the three Furies and thus one of the most powerful entities in any author’s universe, who just happens to have a crush on you. And that’s a definitely. [GRINS] Let’s go the Paris route: which of the three is the most fair?

RAV:
That’s an easy one. Tisiphone. She’s smoking hot, both literally—hair and wings of fire will do that—and figuratively—yummy. Too say nothing of the fact that of the three she’s the one most likely to kill me if I pick one of the others.

JEZ:
Heh. So this is probably a no-brainer, but which of the three gals has the worst temper?

RAV:
Believe it or not, Cerice. Tisiphone gets mad a whole lot faster, but she calms down just as quick. Cerice takes a grudge and freeze-dries it for later use.

JEZ:
[SNORTS] I bet. What about Eris?

RAV:
What can I say about Discord? She doesn’t get mad so much as have an enormous amount of fun getting even.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

RAV:
It can be scarier than either of the others, but it’s not really a temper thing, if you know what I mean. It’s not personal.

JEZ:
Which one do you want to spend the rest of your immortal life with?

RAV:
Well, that seems likely to be a rather short span, considering the trouble McCullough gets me into. Since I’m not technically immortal, just really slow to age, I figure I’ll be lucky to see out the year. On that time scale, Tisiphone seems like the most fun, burning the candle at both ends and all that.

MEL:
BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN TO FADE AWAY.

RAV:
On the other hand, Cerice and I have been through a lot together. Tough call. Well, that part of it. I love Eris, but you couldn’t pay me enough to date her.

JEZ:
Who said anything about dating? So, Cerice. Tisiphone. Eris. Tell me true: you’re thinking “orgy,” aren’t you?

RAV:
Well…it has crossed my mind, once or twice. Or, well, rather more times than that.

JEZ:
I do so enjoy the honest ones.

RAV:
It’d never work, but a man can fantasize, can’t he?

JEZ:
You bet, sweetie. You know, some people curse their fate. You’re in a prime position to understand exactly what that entails, aren’t you? Or are you fateless now?

RAV:
I’m not entirely sure actually. My personal Fate, Lachesis—my grandmother, who disowned me—no longer has a grip on my thread. That’s good, because she’d cut it in a heartbeat. Isn’t family fun?

JEZ:
Not the word I’d use.

RAV:
Necessity is called the Fate of the Gods, and now that I’m a power, I suppose I’m somewhere in her address book.

JEZ:
You certainly like to play with the big boys and girls. Okay, a question for the web goblin fans out there. Melchior: electronic PETA supporter or just a PITA?

RAV:
More like PETM—People for the Extravagant Treatment of Melchior.

JEZ:
Hah!

RAV:
Actually, Mel’s got a heart of gold. (No really, I built it. Gold’s a great conductor.)

MEL:
I ALWAYS DEPEND ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.

JEZ:
Wrong Mel, Mel. He’s talking about Melchior, his web goblin, sidekick, and comic relief. Ravirn, some kids like to get their own apartment when they’re out of college. You didn’t even finish school, and already you have your own house: House Raven. Discuss.

RAV:
I’m still not sure how I feel about House Raven myself. It does take some of the sting out of being booted from House Lachesis by my grandmother, but it also raises my profile to an alarming extent.

JEZ:
How so?

RAV:
I’m getting party invites from Zeus.

JEZ:
[WHISTLES] Not bad!

RAV:
I do have to admit that the perks are nice. Raven House, for example, is one heck of a nice place to live. But what do you expect from the physical manifestation of my subconscious desire for the perfect home?

JEZ:
And the housewarming party is when?

RAV:
I hadn’t really thought about a housewarming in the bigger sense. But now that you mention it, I’ll have to see about putting something on the schedule. [GRINS] In the meantime, you’re welcome to come by and warm a corner up any old time.

JEZ:
Ooh. You’re a sweet talker, Ravirn of House Raven. See, I’ve already asked you about sex and chocolate in the previous interview. So for you, something different. Which is better: sex or whipped cream?

RAV:
I think I have to answer the same way, sex **with** whipped cream. I guess I’m just a sucker for culinary carnality.

JEZ:
Mel, pencil me in for going to House Raven for…oh, the better part of the near future.

MEL:
HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT TOO?

JEZ:
Only if I’m very, very lucky. Bless me, I do so love…cake. [COUGHS]

Your Dear Creator has done it again, Ravirn. Kelly McCullough wrote another book about you. This one’s CODESPELL. Give us the summary.

RAV:
Well, after the mess with Hades, Necessity is glitching all over the place. Bad with a normal computer, nightmare if it’s the one that runs the universe.

JEZ:
I can only imagine.

RAV:
I won’t go into all the details, but I will say that Persephone wasn’t the only goddess Necessity was keeping on a short leash. Some of the others are really not the kind of folks you want to see free to do as they please.

JEZ:
Yikes.

RAV:
Worse, with Necessity under the weather, a lot of really powerful folks are wondering if there might be some way to keep her there. Think tug-of-war, with yours truly playing the role of the rope.

JEZ:
I’m biting back the urge to make a bondage joke now.

RAV:
Then there’s the personal side of things. Cerice and Tisiphone get along like a couple of cats in a suitcase. I wouldn’t mind that so much if they didn’t both want me in there with them.

JEZ:
So you prefer your sex in a more spacious environment. Noted.

RAV:
And family, bleah. Take my mother…please. You may not know her, but being from hell, you’d recognize the type.

JEZ:
Heh. Sounds like my kind of gal.

RAV:
She doesn’t play a big part, but man, she can get under my skin. Dad’s better, and his mom, who I’d never met until this book is…different, but in a good way. Actually, your producer knows her a hell of lot better than I do, them being sisters and all.

JEZ:
Oh, no way. You don’t mean…

RAV:
[GRINS] Can I get a drumroll before I pull out the name?

MEL:
[BREAKS OUT SOUND MACHINE; DRUMROLL]

RAV:
Thanks! I’m talking about…Thalia, Muse of Comedy. Or, in my case, grandmother of slapstick.

MEL:
[KILLS SOUND EFFECT, SNORTS, LEAVES THE STUDIO]

JEZ:
Don’t mind her, sweetie. She gets a little funny about her sisters. I think some of them owe her money. Grandmother of slapstick, huh?

RAV:
Turns out those cream-pie-to-the-face moments I keep having might be genetic.

JEZ:
Sounds like everyone should pre-order CODESPELL.

RAV:
[NODS] It’s a rocking action adventure romp, with a big old dollop of dark and sarcastic humor. And I might cry if you don’t. Okay, that’s a lie, but it’s in a good cause…paying my rent.

JEZ:
More like paying your Dear Creator’s rent. Any luck on getting him to do what you want, for a change?

RAV:
Riiiight. You know how authors are, always dumping [BLEEP] on your head when you’re hoping for flowers.

JEZ:
Yuh-huh. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

RAV:
Well, no, that’s not entirely true. Don’t let him know, but I find that McCullough does have a certain amount of vulnerability to the “please don’t throw me in that briar patch” school of persuasion.

JEZ:
Seriously? That works?

RAV:
If he thinks I’m going to hate something enough, he’s usually willing to give it a whirl. That’s part of why I’ve been so vocal about being afraid of Tisiphone. “Oh please don’t throw me at the incredibly sexy Fury, I’d really hate that…”

JEZ:
Hah! Okay, reverse psychology on the Creators. Bless me, I’m so going to do that. What would you change about CODESPELL if you could?

RAV:
That’s easy. More surfing and sex, less getting the crap beat out of me.

JEZ:
You are so incredibly hot right now. You know that, right? And you’re like the god of your own universe.

RAV:
I wish. I’m more the punchline of my universe.

JEZ:
Heh, another Thalia reference. You’re good, sweetie. In the past, you’ve basically given Fate the finger, you hacked into Hell, you helped a goddess and pissed off a god, and you’ve managed to either fight or talk your way out of permanent death. All of this, in the name of Necessity. So tell me: is Necessity really the mother of invention?

RAV:
She’s a mother all right. She actually goes on the list right behind McCullough.

JEZ:
Damn. And not in a good way.

RAV:
I didn’t like having an ordinary kind of Fate, and I’m not thrilled about having one of the god kind, either.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] More surfing and sex, less getting the crap beaten out of you.

RAV:
What I really want is to spend about ten years surfing and laying Tisi…low. Laying low.

JEZ:
You were so not going to say that.

RAV:
No adventures. No saving the universe. No pissing off real gods who can crush me with a thought. Just big waves, white sand, and a soft bed at the end of the day.

JEZ:
With a soft body waiting for you. Let’s pretend you have a soundtrack. What’s on it?

RAV:
Well, it probably starts dramatic with the Mission Impossible theme. Then about halfway through that, there’s a horrible static burst as the CD jumps to the Pink Panther, with me in the Closeau role for about ten beats before settling into “Live and Let Die.” After that, a whole lot of Clash, some Yellow, and the odd bit of Violent Femmes. Think John Cusack dark comedy/action flick.

JEZ:
I have it on good authority that certain demonic types want to be John Cusack. Along with the soundtrack, you now have one “do over” card to play, for any of your three books. What would you change, without worrying about the Butterfly Effect?

RAV:
I’d figure out some way to save my cousin, Laris. He didn’t turn me in to my aunt Atropos when he could and should have. I’d owe him my life it stopped there, but it didn’t. He tried to help me out when he didn’t have to, and it bought him a one-way ticket across the Styx. He was a good guy and I’d give a lot to be able to bring him back.

JEZ:
Death sucks. What about Chaos? Is it evil?

RAV:
Chaos is change. It can have evil effects; it can have good ones. Though I may not always like it, I think change is absolutely necessary. Without change you stagnate, and stagnation and death are very close cousins.

JEZ:
Enough with the serious. You can go on vacation anywhere. Where do you go?

RAV:
Anyplace with warm water, great waves, and no one trying to kill me.

JEZ:
More important: who to you take with you?

RAV:
Besides Mel, that is? Part of me says anyone but Cerice or Tisiphone.

JEZ:
Ooh…friction!

RAV:
Love ‘em both, but I don’t know that I’d call either of them restful. Maybe Isla Fisher? I’ve always thought she’d be a great choice to play Tisiphone if they ever make a movie of my adventures. That’d be kind of like having Tisiphone along, only she could turn it off once in a while.

JEZ:
Sounding kind of focused on the lady with the burning bush, aren’t you?

RAV:
Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve got a real thing for that Fury these days. I’ll say Tisiphone. Though if you ask me tomorrow, I might say Cerice.

JEZ:
Have I mentioned that I love how you’re honest?

RAV:
[GRINS SLYLY] Maybe I should just invite you, and we could both hide out from our Dear Creators for a bit.

JEZ:
[PACKING UP] Gosh, look at that. We’re out of time already! Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the super sexy star of Kelly McCullough’s WEBMAGE series…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Ravirn hiding out in some castle. But it is his Dear Creator, Kelly McCullough. Um, hiding out in some castle. Sort of.]

RAV:
Thanks for having me on. It’s been a blast.

JEZ:
Oh, I am so not done with you yet. Hang on, more pimping first.

The WEBMAGE series includes:

WEBMAGE
CYBERMANCY
CODESPELL
And, coming next year, MYTHOS.

Go. Buy. You can get the books at Mysterious Galaxy, Uncle Hugo’s, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse. I’m off to a lovely island with a lovely guest. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon. Or, in this case, love this particular demon.

Ciao!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
MMMPH.

JEZ:
[BLINKS]Excuse me?

MEL:
MMMPH!

JEZ:
Ah. someone’s been eating the peanut butter again without anything to wash it down, eh?

MEL:
[SIGHS]MMMPH.

JEZ:
That’s okay, sweetie. Talking with your mouth full is a huge no-no…in any situation.

MEL:
[CHUGS MILK]

JEZ:
Without further ado, let’s bring out today’s guest! He’s the star of Kelly McCullough’s CYBERMANCY, which Romantic Times awarded four stars, saying: “This is the second book in McCullough’s series that fuses hacking culture with ancient gods, and it’s every bit as charming, clever and readable as its predecessor. His writing style is easy, his character and his worldbuilding unique and engaging.” And VOYA lavishes praise upon praise: “McCullough combines tropes from cyberpunk, contemporary fantasy, and Greek myth with dazzling proficiency and great good humor, combining scenes that evoke a legitimate sense of wonder with witty repartee and just a touch of sexiness in a manner that recalls both Roger Zelazny’s Amber series and the earlier mythological romps of Thorne Smith. Although not for the prudish, this is a genuinely lovely book.”

And Hell knows, I’m a sucker for lovely books. Ladies and gentlemen, give a huge welcome to the star of CYBERMANCY…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Ravirn!

RAVIRN:
Howdy, all. Great to be here, Jezebel. Melpomene, good to see you someplace other than an Olympian party.

MEL:
[SPLUTTERS MILK]

JEZ:
I have to hear more about that after the show. So…hacking into Hell, computers, magic and Hades. My, my. I could have told you that Hell is not a place you want to hack. Ever. Tell me, what’s the worst thing about trying to break into the Underworld?

RAVIRN:
When the god of death hates you and wants to spend eternity tormenting you, then death becomes the proverbial fate worse than, well…death.

JEZ:
Ouch. Why does he hate you so much?

RAVIRN:
Let’s just say that he doesn’t like the way I took Persephone’s side over his. She’s gotten the ultimate raw deal, and that really burns my heart.

JEZ:
Aw, you’re a softie!

MEL:
DON’T SQUEEZE THE CHARMIN.

JEZ:
That’s okay. We love softies. Especially the gorgeous ones. Yum! Tell us something about you.

RAVIRN:
I’m young and hot and having the time of my life.

JEZ:
[SMILES]And you’re exceptionally modest.

RAVIRN:
And if I can just avoid the whole death or dismemberment thing, I’m potentially immortal.

JEZ:
What’s not to like?

RAVIRN:
Unfortunately, the avoidance part of the plan isn’t working quite as well as I might like.

JEZ:
Yeah, that seems to be par for the course in urban fantasy. Bad [BLEEP] happens to the protagonists in urban fantasy. It’s this unwritten rule. Bad [BLEEP] happens to you in CYBERMANCY, right?

RAVIRN:
[ROLLS EYES]Fate hates me.

JEZ:
Aw, poor sweetie. What did you ever do to it?

RAVIRN:
No really. Worse, it’s a family dispute.

JEZ:
[ARCHES EYEBROW]Do tell.

RAVIRN:
My great-grandmother is the Greek Fate who measures the threads, Lachesis.

JEZ:
Ouch. The Fates aren’t known for their sense of humor.

RAVIRN:
Oh, and I think one of the Furies has a crush on me.

JEZ:
[JAW DROPS]

RAVIRN:
Which could make for an odd situation when she’s ordered to literally crush me, as I’m quite certain she will be.

JEZ:
Ohhhh, honey. I so feel for you. I’m actually best friends with one of the Fates—well, I was, until this little thing happened. But that’s my story, not yours. Wow. It really sucks to be you. Here, a happy question: Which is better, sex or chocolate?

RAVIRN:
Sex WITH chocolate, of course.

JEZ:
[GRINS]Of course. Let’s talk sex for a moment. What’s your favorite position?

RAVIRN:
All I’m going to say is one word: Trapeze.

JEZ:
Ooh, nimble! Me like! So what’s your favorite fantasy?

RAVIRN:
You promise this won’t get back to Cerice?

JEZ:
[BLINKS INNOCENTLY]Who?

RAVIRN:
Well, you remember that Fury I mentioned earlier? Her name is Tisiphone and her element is flame.

JEZ:
I know her. Megaera’s told me lots about her over the years.

RAVIRN:
[SMILES WISTFULLY]Her hair is on fire…literally…all the time. Let’s just say it lends a whole new meaning to burning bush and leave it at that.

JEZ:
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

MEL:
SOME LIKE IT HOT.

JEZ:
So, in CYBERMANCY, were there any parts of the story where you were like, “Kelly, dude, what the Hell are you making me do?” Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

RAVIRN:
In my case it’s more like “Yo, McCullough, can we stop with the dumping crap on my head for a bit? How about an interlude with nymphs?” But, no, it’s never nymphs, it’s always Fates and Furies and Cerberus, dread guardian of the underworld, all the time. What’s up with that?

JEZ:
Bless, me, I know! These damn Creators think that they’re God or something. [GLARES MEANINGFULLY AT THE COMPUTER]

RAVIRN:
I’m a hacker, all I want to do is noodle around with Melchior—my webgoblin/laptop familiar—write code, and chill. Well, and maybe, you know, crack into the occasional defense system just to keep the skillz in tune.

JEZ:
[NODS]Good to have goals.

RAVIRN:
But it’s a never-ending parade of irritated divinities with McCullough.

JEZ:
So if you had your way, what would you change about CYBERMANCY?

RAVIRN:
Less death, more sex.

JEZ:
Aw. Can’t you have both?

RAVIRN:
[SHRUGS]I know the one adds flavor to other, but you don’t need to put the whole spice jar in every dish.

JEZ:
Fair enough. If you could make Kelly do anything, what would it be?

RAVIRN:
Ooh, sweet. [RUBS HANDS GLEEFULLY] I want to change jobs for a book. McCullough can come down here and play with the giant three-headed dogs and the goddess of discord for a while, and I can go mess around on the laptop and pet the cats in peace.

JEZ:
Heh. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

RAVIRN:
Bigger print runs and better sales all the way. I’m busting my butt out there, and I’d love it if more people could see that. Or is that too self-centered?

JEZ:
Sweetie, I’m a former demon. I live for being self-centered.

RAVIRN:
Can I try something else? World peace maybe?

JEZ:
If that’s how you want to go. But we’ve already got you on the record as self-centered. Right, Mel?

MEL:
I’M ALL EARS.

RAVIRN:
Oh well, it’s really McCullough’s problem. Let him handle the fallout for a change.

JEZ:
Let’s talk about the publishing world, since you brought it up. What would you change about that?

RAVIRN:
I’d love to kill the industry practice of stripping and returning books in no time flat. The whole thing was supposed to be a six-month promotional by one publisher, but it snowballed and then everyone was afraid to stop. Think how much more fun bookstores would be if they didn’t have all those titles constantly going out of print.

JEZ:
Hey Mel, take notes. We’ve got us a new angle to get some authors to sell their souls for…[COUGHS] Right, Mel, let’s discuss after the show. Ravirn, what’s your standard outfit?

RAVIRN:
Motorcycle leathers, the kind with a Kevlar lining. Sexy and bullet resistant, what’s not to love?

JEZ:
I love the whole sexy/dangerous look, but I prefer it if there’s more flesh showing. If CYBERMANCY goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

RAVIRN:
A younger Kurt Russell or Michael Douglas, if I could have anyone—someone who can play the action hero and the absurdity of the action hero simultaneously. John Cusack wouldn’t be bad, either.

JEZ:
What about Cerice?

RAVIRN:
I’d totally want Gwyneth Paltrow for Cerice.

JEZ:
And Melchior?

RAVIRN:
Melchior’s tough, with the shapechanging and the fact that he’s not human. He’d have to be CGI. I think Denis Leary would be a great voice for him; they’ve got a lot of the same attitude. Oh, and I just have to add that Eris, the Goddess of Discord, is clearly Angelina Jolie.

JEZ:
[STARES]Who told? Mel?

MEL:
[MIMES ZIPPING LIPS SHUT]

JEZ:
Well, she’s not really that subtle about it. No one believes that the do-gooder stuff is anything but an act. Finally, if you could be Evil for one day, how would you use your powers?

RAVIRN:
Who says I’m not evil? You’re tarnishing my cracking cred there.

JEZ:
You’re a cutie. And you’re funny and sexy as Hell. But you’re not Evil. Trust me. I have an innate sense for these things.

RAVIRN:
Okay, so yeah I’m as close to being a boy scout as any hacker is likely to get. I think I’d want the power to extend my run at being evil, first off. Have you ever noticed how it’s always the villains who get the great lines?

JEZ:
I’ve noticed.

RAVIRN:
More than that though…I really don’t know. I already do pretty much as I want in defiance of the rules. If I didn’t, Fate wouldn’t hate me. I guess I’m just not cut out to be an evil genius. Maybe there’s still a tiny bit of idealist down under all the sarcasm and cynicism? Nah.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS]He said cynically.

RAVIRN:
Thanks for the chance to hang out and gab. It’s been a whole lot more fun than my usual gig being chased by monsters and devils.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with devils.

RAVIRN:
Unfortunately, I have to get back to that. McCullough’s working on book four, MythOS.

JEZ:
Woot—blatant self-promotion!

RAVIRN:
Last I checked, the script called for me to go through one of those ominous doors—you know, the ones where the audience is screaming “Don’t do it, you idiot.” [SIGHS]

JEZ:
Good luck to you, sweetie. Avid Fans, give it up for Kelly McCullough’s code-cracking mage, the star of WEBMAGE and the new CYBERMANCY…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

You can get CYBERMANCY at Amazon, B&N, and fine bookstores near you. That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Coming on Friday: the wicked witch of the East — sorta! Meanwhile, be sure to Hit the ROAD for a chance to win an Apple iPod.

And remember: Love your inner demon.