[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest makes me long for home…or, specifically, long for an incredibly hot, sexy, smoking demon to come inhabit my body. Publisher’s Weekly calls Michelle Rowen’s latest book “funny, suspenseful, and frequently hot paranormal series launch.” And RT Magazine declares in a 4.5 star review: “The Living in Eden series starter is funny, sexy and completely entertaining. Rowen writes charming, believable and seriously funny heroines and then weaves a dark tale of intrigue around them. Watching Eden resolve her internal conflicts while struggling to stay alive and manage her attraction to the demon that possesses her is just magic. Can’t wait for more! It promises to be a fantastic series.”

Avid fans, give a huge round of applause to one of the stars of Michelle Rowen’s latest novel, THE DEMON IN ME…the demon Darrak!

[APPLAUSE]

Hellllllllllllllllo, Darrak! Come here often?

DARRAK:
Is that a real question or are you hitting on me? I’m fine either way.

JEZ:
This is going to be a terrific interview. I have a knack for knowing these things. So, sweetie, why don’t you tell us what THE DEMON IN ME is about. Other than you, of course.

DARRAK:
I’ll try my best, although that might be difficult. A psychic gets possessed by a really demon — a really hot demon, if I do say so myself.

JEZ:
Agreed!

DARRAK:
They need to find a way to live and work together to find a mutually beneficial solution to their problem, or there’ll be hell to pay.

JEZ:
Ooh, a plug! Hell to Pay, a serialized novel right here on my Dear Creator’s website! Ooh, you’re a clever demon, aren’t you?

DARRAK:
[WINKS] And proud of it, thank you very much.

JEZ:
So tell me more about yourself. How does a hot thing like yourself come to be trapped in a human psychic’s body? And is she willing sign you over for a time-share?

DARRAK:
Don’t know about that. Let’s see… it all started 300 years ago when I was cursed by a vengeful witch.

JEZ:
Are there any other kind?

MEL:
ARE YOU A GOOD WITCH, OR A BAD WITCH?

JEZ:
Any other kind outside of Oz, that is?

DARRAK:
Witches come in the good and evil categories in my world. This was a bad one. Ever since, I’ve been forced to possess human bodies.

JEZ:
I have to tell you, I never was able to do possession when I was a demon. I feel sort of deprived.

DARRAK:
Don’t be. The movies always show possession from the humans’ point of view, like “Wah wah, I’m possessed by an evil demon. I need to get it out by any means possible.” But they never show the demon’s point of view. You think this situation is pleasant in any way?

JEZ:
[BLINKS] It’s not?

DARRAK:
Nope. It blows not being in control of your existence, and having to rely on a succession of humans — most of whom can’t even hear me enough to get scared.

JEZ:
Oh. Yeah, that would take the fun out of it. If you can’t scare them, then what’s the point? Unless you can force them to do things, like masturbate in public…

DARRAK:
[LAUGHS] No comment on that. However, Eden’s way different.

JEZ:
She’s your latest possessee, right?

DARRAK:
[NODS] Uh huh. She can hear me. She can do more than hear me. For the first time in three centuries I’m possessing someone who knows I exist and isn’t freaking out about it.

JEZ:
Seriously?

DARRAK:
Yeah. Okay, she did freak out to begin with, but she’s starting to, uh, settle down a bit. She wants to help me — mostly because I begged her to and made a few deals about how I could help her out in her life.

MEL:
DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.

JEZ:
Hey, business is business. It doesn’t sound so bad — right, Darrak?

DARRAK:
Since Eden is psychic, I’m somehow — and don’t ask me how — able to draw on that energy to take solid form during daylight hours, even though I’m still bound to her side and can’t wander off too far.

MEL:
ATTACHED AT THE HIP.

JEZ:
Bless me, if I were her, I’d stay in bed all day. All day.

DARRAK:
[GRINS] With Eden, this is a chance for me to fix the mess I’ve gotten into once and for all, and I’m not going to waste it.

JEZ:
For a cursed demon who’s forced to possess a woman’s body every night, you sound quite all right with the situation.

DARRAK:
She’s gorgeous. If I have to stare at a human’s face every time Eden looks in the mirror, I’m surprisingly okay with it being hers.

JEZ:
Heh, gotcha! So what does a trendy demon who isn’t me wear these days?

DARRAK:
Being that half the time I’m incorporeal and resemble a much more charming version of the smoke monster from Lost, any clothing is a bonus. I usually conjure jeans and a T-shirt, since that’s relatively simple and doesn’t drain my energy reserves too much. [SHRUGS] Eden wants to take me shopping for new threads, but I’ve resisted so far. Otherwise, she might turn me into a total clothes-whore metrosexual.

MEL:
NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

JEZ:
Okay, spill. You and Eden. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

DARRAK:
Well, I can tell you who’s inside. Me. Frequently.

JEZ:
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

DARRAK:
[LAUGHS] Eden hates that joke, but it’s true. Hell, after 300 years without a body or any sex, I’ll take any position I can get. Standing, sitting, on my head. Bring it.

JEZ:
Now we’re talking! What’s your romantic fantasy, sweetie?

DARRAK:
Romantic fantasy? [PAUSES] Every morning, I’m able to take human form in Eden’s bed, and she immediately reaches for me in her sleep, even though she claims she isn’t interested in me like that and she’s hot for another guy. For the few minutes before she wakes up and realizes that she’s molesting a naked demon is romantic fantasy enough for me.

JEZ:
Bless me, a demon after my own sex drive! All right, here’s the tough question. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

DARRAK:
Sex. However, I’ve recently discovered chocolate donuts, and I have to say that’s a close second.

JEZ:
You, Darrak, may be the perfect demon. [FANS SELF] So, in THE DEMON IN ME, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Michelle, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

DARRAK:
I’ve heard from some others that Rowen is a merciless hell-bitch when it comes to torturing her characters. And that everything she’s learned from her previous books she’s applied to my situation. [PAUSES] And she has. I’m tortured, emotionally and physically. Just because she lets me have a little bit of fun now and then doesn’t mean that I’m totally okay with everything. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Hey, Rowen — just know that pissing off a demon isn’t a good idea, mm’kay?

JEZ:
[SIGHS] Sweetie, trust me, they don’t listen. They never listen. If you had your way, what would you change about THE DEMON IN ME?

DARRAK:
More sex. Less pain.

JEZ:
I did mention you’re basically the perfect demon, didn’t I? If you could make your Creator, Michelle Rowen, do anything, what would it be?

DARRAK:
Write more books about me and Eden so I can explore my softer side.

JEZ:
Heh. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

DARRAK:
Fewer exorcists.

JEZ:
Good call. What about in the publishing world?

DARRAK:
That THE DEMON IN ME would become the next Twilight. I’m already in talks with some old friends downstairs to see if I can make that happen. [GLANCES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Rowen, you’re not afraid to barter part of your soul to facilitate this, are you?

MICHELLE:
[OFF SCREEN] I’m okay with that. Let’s do lunch.

JEZ:
Score! Let’s say your negotiations are hugely successful and THE DEMON IN ME goes Hollywood. Who should play you in the movie?

DARRAK:
I’m not sure anyone can play me properly. Maybe a bit of Ryan Reynolds — his charming and amusing manner, plus his ripped abs — and a dash of Johnny Depp’s dark good looks.

JEZ:
Yum. What about Eden?

DARRAK:
For Eden, an actress like Cameron Diaz might be able to partially encompass her beauty, personality, and deliciously possessable body.

JEZ:
Nice. Okay, last question…now, understand that I’m contractually obligated to ask this.
If you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

DARRAK:
[BLINKS] I’m a demon.

JEZ:
[SIGHS] I know, I know. It’s in the fine print. Got to ask. Roll with it, would you?

DARRAK:
[GRINS] Whether or not I’m actually evil and what I can do with my powers is something you’re just going to have to read the book to find out.

JEZ:
Hah — touché!

Avid Fans, once again give a round of applause to one of the stars of Michelle Rowen’s new novel THE DEMON IN ME…the demon Darrak!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Darrak. But it is his Dear Creator, Michelle Rowen.]

THE DEMON IN ME, which recently hit the shelves, is available at Barnes and Noble, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent bookstores, Amazon.com, and other fine bookstores near you.

Until next time, remember: love your inner demon. Especially if they’re as hot as Darrak.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
I was all sorts of giddy when we scheduled this next interview for Cat and Muse. Our wonderful guest has been a very busy vampire since she was first BITTEN & SMITTEN. What’s she been up to lately? Romantic Times says: “Über-talented Rowen is back and once again combining the weird and the wacky as only she can. There’s plenty of humor and a touch of danger; truly a biting good time!” And from LovesVampires.com: “Be warned if reading in public that outbreaks of spontaneous laughter are likely. STAKES & STILETTOS is the strongest book of the series so far and is recommended reading for romance fans. Hugely good fun!”

MEL:
REQUIRED READING.

JEZ:
Damn straight. “Michelle Rowen’s books never fail to thrill,” declares Bitten by Books: “STAKES & STILETTOS is delightfully charming and keeps the wonderful mixture of tongue-in-cheek (is that tongue-in-fang?) humor and well-fleshed-out plot that made her earlier books so entertaining. The story keeps you guessing, always twisting in unexpected ways.”

Boys and girls, give a standing O to the star of Michelle Rowen’s amazing Immortality Bites series…the fanged and fabulous Sarah Dearly!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Sarah!

SARAH:
Hey there! Thanks for having me as a guest today. I appreciate it!

JEZ:
So glad you could join us! [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] If you had to sum up what’s happening with you in STAKES & STILETTOS, what would you say the book’s about?

SARAH:
Okay, let me think… uh… It’s about me trying to be a normal, happy vampire and failing miserably when I attend my high school reunion and get cursed to want to suck everybody’s blood within a hundred mile radius. More than I normally do.

JEZ:
Wow. See, I would have said that the high school reunion thing would be a curse in and of itself. But you’re talking about a literal curse, right? Either of the witch or gypsy variety?

SARAH:
[SIGHS] Never pick on anyone in high school. You never know when they’ll grow up to be a psychotic witch who’s mastered the black arts and go all revenge happy and try to ruin your life just because they can.

MEL:
[NODS] A WORD TO THE WISE.

JEZ:
Ouch. Talk a little about the curse. Do you, like, get warts all over your body? Or maybe you suddenly have no sex drive? [SHUDDERS]

SARAH:
The curse makes me into a “nightwalker.”

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

SARAH:
Those are the nasty, evil vamps back in the day that originally made hunters start carving those unfriendly wooden stakes.

JEZ:
Ah.

SARAH:
Everything people think about vampires – the undead thing, the evil thing, the “sunlight will kill you” thing – that’s nightwalkers, not vampires. And in the book, that’s the experience I get to have.

JEZ:
Evil? Come on. Like that’s so bad.

SARAH:
[SNORTS] Imagine going outside for two seconds and ending up with a sunburn from hell.

JEZ:
Been there. Done that.

SARAH:
Oh, well I guess that’s true. But imagine wanting to chomp your best friend’s neck when they get too close.

JEZ:
Now, when you say “chomp,” that’s not a euphemism for “suck,” right? Because a little necking between friends can be kinda nice…

SARAH:
Uh, no, it’s not nice. MY LIFE IS RUINED.

JEZ:
Aw. [PATS SARAH’S HAND]

SARAH:
I have no idea why some people laugh at this. It’s the worst tragedy of my life. Even more than when a bad blind date couldn’t keep his fangs to himself, which is what turned me into a vamp in the first place.

JEZ:
Anything redeeming about the whole nightwalker thing?

SARAH:
Well, there really isn’t much that’s good about it. But if I had to pick something…when I’m in “nightwalker-mode,” I stop overthinking everything. I’m not paranoid. I’m not naïve. And I get all sexy, practically throwing my master vampire boyfriend down on any flat surface and having my way with him.

JEZ:
[PAUSES] And this is a curse again why?

SARAH:
[CLEARS THROAT] I think he kind of likes that, even though it scares him a bit.

JEZ:
What scares him about it?

SARAH:
My nightwalker brings out his dark side too. If there weren’t all the potential victims around us, plus lots of angst to deal with, we might be having a really good time.

JEZ:
Ah. Angst and ethics. A deadly combo.

SARAH:
Dude, the whole thing is ridiculous. I’m not saying that I blame my author or anything—[GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]—but that bitch seriously has it in for me. From the first moment we met.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

SARAH:
She keeps putting me in these crazy, dangerous situations and you know what? Sometimes I have to make questionable choices. Like walking through parks at night. Alone. Or down dark alleys. [SNIFFS] I cannot be held responsible for these seemingly T.S.T.L. actions.

JEZ:
Okay, let’s talk about some fun things. First, fashion. What’s the modern cursed vampire wearing these days?

SARAH:
Recently, I lost my entire wardrobe when my apartment was bombed by vampire hunters. So I’ve been slowly replenishing as best I can on a crap budget.

JEZ:
Wow, you weren’t kidding. Your Dear Creator really does hate you.

SARAH:
[NODS] She really does. But as far as clothing, I like to be fairly fashionable, a nice mix of casual and dressy, depending on the occasion.

JEZ:
What wouldn’t you be caught dead—or undead—in?

SARAH:
I used to say I’d never wear “sensible” shoes, but since stilettos are damn hard to run (for my life) in, I’ve had to make some adjustments. It’s been very difficult, not to mention very unflattering to my ankles.

JEZ:
Ack. Poor Sarah. Okay, spill. You and Thierry. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

SARAH:
Wow, you’re nosy.

JEZ:
Uh huh.

SARAH:
You’re a succubus, right?

JEZ:
Uh huh.

SARAH:
Can’t you use your imagination? Does everything have to be about sex with you demons?

JEZ:
Uh huh.

SARAH:
I have a friend, Amy, and all she ever wants to know is about my sex life. It’s like, subscribe to Cinemax, okay? Grandmas and teenagers read my memoirs.

JEZ:
Heh.

SARAH:
Honestly, I prefer staying in my very PG, family-friendly world. Well, except for a couple moments in my latest adventures, but hey, me and Thierry have been together for three books, so a few extra details are a-okay. Next question, please!

JEZ:
All righty. What’s your romantic fantasy?

SARAH:
Okay, this is going to sound pretty lame, but my major happy-place fantasy is a dream wedding.

JEZ:
Deets, please.

SARAH:
My perfect, dove-infested, confetti-drenched church wedding with a big-ass expensive Vera Wang dress and decidedly not sensible stilettos. Family and friends in attendance — both human and vampire. And Thierry waiting for me at the front of the church in a gorgeous Armani tuxedo, smiling — a rare expression for him, but because of the occasion I’m sure he could summon up a happy face — as he watches me walk toward him. Traditional vows, a nice three-carat rock on my finger, a honeymoon in Tahiti, and all is well with the world.

JEZ:
Mmm. Tahiti.

SARAH:
[GRINS] Whew. I need a cigarette. That was a good one.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

SARAH:
[ARCHES EYEBROW] Geez, you’re a horny little devil with these questions, aren’t you? Somebody needs to buy some new batteries for their electronic boyfriend, methinks.

JEZ:
Is it my fault I keep breaking the blessed things?

SARAH:
Okay, well, this one is actually easy. Some vamps can eat. But some vamps can’t, and they end up hurling whatever they try to chow down on all over their new cashmere sweater.

JEZ:
Speaking from experience?

SARAH:
I’ll never tell. [CLEARS THROAT] I’m the unlucky kind — big effing surprise — who can’t eat. Therefore, my darling old friend chocolate is off the menu. Which, of course, leaves me with door number two.

JEZ:
For you, sweetie, I will stay away from the obvious rear-entry joke. So, in STAKES & STILETTOS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Michelle, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

SARAH:
I loathe Rowen. Loathe her. She has been extremely cruel to me and isn’t finished yet. But the funniest thing is I can totally control her.

JEZ:
Really?

SARAH:
[NODS] She tells me I’m her most difficult character ever, because she’s worked with me for so long I’ve developed this independent and stubborn personality. If she tries to get me to do something I totally disagree with, I refuse to budge.

JEZ:
Like what?

SARAH:
In BITTEN & SMITTEN, the first book in my memoirs, she had plans to kill Thierry and have me end up with Quinn. It was in her freaking outline. And I said, hello? KILL THIERRY, AND YOU, TOO, WILL DIE, WRITER GIRL. I don’t care if he was an emotionless jerk and we were barely in that particular book all that much together considering it’s in the romance section. I LOVE HIM. And you know what? If I hadn’t done that, there wouldn’t be a series of books about my life, there would just be one!

JEZ:
[LAUGHING] So your stubbornness is better for your Dear Creator’s bottom line.

SARAH:
Me and Quinn probably would have lived happily ever after, and I wouldn’t have had to deal with five books of torture, pain, angst, and curses. [PAUSES] Oh…wait a minute. Hmm…

JEZ:
Okay, I have to ask. Thierry over Quinn? Why?

SARAH:
I’m asked this a lot. It’s kind of like that Team Edward or Team Jacob thing…only, you know, with a lot fewer people who give a damn.

JEZ:
No, really. Why?

SARAH:
I can only say it comes down to the fact that Thierry is my opposite, and opposites attract. Quinn and I had a lot in common, even though he was originally a vampire hunter — and there was that friend vibe there. When he wasn’t trying to kill me, of course. And that vibe got in the way of true romance for me. Thierry’s that strange mix of standoffish and protective that just does it for me. He had me at hello, let’s jump off this bridge together.

JEZ:
Yeah, I hear suicide attempts are quite the bond between vampires.

SARAH:
I’m hoping that anyone who doesn’t appreciate Thierry as much as I do will come around with the last two books in the series, which really delve deeper into his admittedly enigmatic master vampire brain.

JEZ:
Who are better kissers: humans or vampires?

SARAH:
I know this is hard to believe, but vamps and humans kiss the same. It’s impossible to tell the difference. However, I do find that the older the vampire, the better the kisser they are. Like, let’s say they’ve had six hundred years of practice as opposed to my twenty-eight. I really don’t want to do the math, but let’s just say practice makes perfect.

JEZ:
Does “BFF” have a whole new meaning when you live forever?

SARAH:
I’ll let you know in fifty years.

JEZ:
Heh. You’re on. If you had your way, what would you change about STAKES & STILETTOS?

SARAH:
I would have had it set in the Bahamas. Rowen keeps insisting on setting books in the Toronto area (probably because she’s too lazy to do any research outside of her own backyard) where it seems to be freezing cold all the time.

JEZ:
If you could make Michelle do anything, what would it be?

SARAH:
I’d have her be nicer to me. [SNIFFS] I have bruises and serious paranoia now.

MEL:
JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE PARANOID DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE NOT OUT TO GET YOU.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

SARAH:
The economy. I’d have people who wait tables and tend bar to make as much as the CEOs of big companies. My Visa bill would be very grateful.

JEZ:
What about in the publishing world?

SARAH:
I would have had my adventures come out much closer together. Happily, the last story in the Sarah Dearly Memoirs (Rowen prefers to call it Immortality Bites for some strange reason) TALL, DARK & FANGSOME is out in September 2009, only four and a half little months from now. Which is probably a good thing, since S&S ends on a bit of a . . .

[CLANGING SOUND DROWNS OUT THE REST OF SARAH’S REPLY]

JEZ:
Mel, for [BLEEP] sake, shut off the Spoilalert!

[MELPOMENE TURNS OFF SPOILALERT AND PUTS ON SOME SOOTHING ENYA]

JEZ:
Sorry about that. The blessed thing’s hypersensitive. If STAKES & STILETTOS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

SARAH:
Rowen always had Sandra Bullock in mind to play me in the movie version, but also thinks Anna Friel from Pushing Daisies has a good look to portray me properly, if perhaps, not enough of a sarcastic edge.

JEZ:
What about Thierry?

SARAH:
Thierry has only been one actor ever in Rowen’s mind and that’s Hugh Jackman. The broody Hugh, not the Broadway one.

JEZ:
Mmmm. Hugh.

SARAH:
Oddly enough, Thierry actually does look exactly like that hunky actor, so I must approve!

JEZ:
You know, I wind up my interviews with a hypothetical question about being evil for a day. But the complication here is first, you already know about evil thanks to the curse, and second, you’re only evil at night. So…tell me true: Isn’t allowing yourself to be evil rather refreshing? You know, like you’ve just taken a long nap in which you dreamed you were a repressed goody two-shoes, and now, thankfully, you can live your undead life to its evil fullest? [COUGHS] Just wondering.

SARAH:
Goody two-shoes? I resent that.

JEZ:
It’s a hypothetical.

SARAH:
Uh huh. Well…to be quite frank, it is…freeing…to be evil.

JEZ:
Hah! Knew it!

SARAH:
That pesky conscience does get in the way a lot of the time. There’s a reason why evil characters are always shown to be cackling with laughter. It’s because they’re having fun!

JEZ:
[GRINS] Yeppers.

SARAH:
So yeah, it is refreshing. But at the same time, it’s not me. [SMILES] I may be a goody two-shoes, but no humans were harmed in the making of this vampire.

JEZ:
Heh. Well played.

Avid fans, give another standing ovation to the star of Michelle Rowen’s amazing Immortality Bites series…Sarah Dearly!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn't Sarah Dearly (or Sandra Bullock), but it is Sarah's gorgeous and talented Dear Creator, Michelle Rowen.]

The books in the Immortality Bites series are:

BITTEN & SMITTEN
FANGED & FABULOUS
LADY & THE VAMP
STAKES & STILETTOS
TALL, DARK & FANGSOME

You can purchase (and, for TD&F, preorder) all of the books at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Chapters, Powells, independent booksellers, Amazon and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
One day, I’m going to introduce you as Rocky Balboa.

MEL:
[SINGS] Stuck between a rock and a hard place…

JEZ:
Oh boy. You’re singing. That can’t be good.

MEL:
[SINGS] Goodnight, sweetheart, well, it’s time to go, da DA da, da-DAHHHH…

JEZ:
Alrighty, Bowser. (Settle. I’m guessing you had one too many swigs of NyQuil. Avid Fans, let me tell you, never mix a Muse and over-the-counter remedies. The results ain’t pretty.

MEL:
[SINGS] It ain’t pretty after the show…

JEZ:
And, on that INXS note, let’s dive into Love Notes. First, a note from Stevie, back at the beginning of August. “Wow,” says Stevie, “I am overjoyed with how unbelievably talented you are.” Aw, thank you, sweetie. I’m overjoyed with your overjoyment. Smooches!

Here’s one more, from J. Steinman. Hey, Mel, this one’s for you! And oh, isn’t this perfect for you today! Ahem. “My dead ringer for love, it’s all coming back to me now, our paradise by the dashboard lights! For crying out loud, you know I’d do anything for love (but I won’t do that!) It’s a total eclipse of the heart, an original sin and the future just ain’t what it used to be when I’m left in the dark! Read ’em and weep, I want you, I need you and two out of three ain’t bad! Heaven can wait, babe, I’m bad for good. Life is a lemon and I want my muse back! I’ll love you for the both of us!”

MEL:
[SINGS] And you can tell everybody this is your song.

JEZ:
Wait, there’s more. “If only is the saddest words I’ll ever know and a kiss is a terrible thing to waste! Is nothing sacred when tire tracks and broken hearts is all you’re leaving behind? We’re still the children we once were! What part of my body hurts the most without you? If I’m not allowed to love, then I’m out of the frying pan and into the fire!!!
Hurry back because like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone with the morning light, like a bat out of hell, I’ll be gone by morning light. Good girls go to heaven, but bad muses go everywhere!”

MEL:
[SINGS] Heaven, I’m in heaven…

JEZ:
Last part here: “Angels arise and god has left the building, in the land of the pig I cry to heaven! Carpe noctum babe and give me Ewigkeit! This vampire’s in love!”

MEL:
[SINGS] Call me, call me anytime.

JEZ:
Hooboy. J., whoever you are, you should know that there’s a very inebriated Muse here in the studio who’s now staring at the telephone, waiting for it to ring.

Well, Avid Fans, we’ve got a terrific interview for you today! We have joining us in the Cat and Muse studio the heroine of Michelle Rowen’s Angel With Attitude, a one-time angel who learns all about falling in love…well, at least, in lust…the hard way! Please give a hot, hot, hot welcome to the flaxen, the fallen, the fabulous Valerie Grace!

VALERIE:
Hi, Jez. Thanks for inviting me.

JEZ:
Tell me, what was the worst part about getting used to being a mortal?

VAL:
Well, being that I’ve been working as a maid at a motel, cleaning toilets is the worst thing. Followed closely by absolutely everything else.

JEZ:
[SNORTS] Sweetie, I so hear you.

MEL:
[SINGS] And the work seemed harder, the days seemed longer, than she ever thought they’d be…

JEZ:
Oh boy. Mel’s on a Poison streak…

MEL:
[SINGS] Win big, Mama’s fallen angel…

JEZ:
I apologize profusely for the Muse in the booth. Okay, so. A fallen angel, slumming as a human. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make.

VAL:
Being in Heaven was really easy. I never had to worry about anything. Ever. You might say that that existence was “heavenly.”

JEZ:
[GROANS]

VAL:
On Earth it’s cold, and lonely and generally icky. I honestly don’t know how humans have managed for so long without globally going insane.

JEZ:
Who says they haven’t? Okay, tell me true: in Heaven, do you need to wear a bra with underwire?

VAL:
Nope. Perky breasts. All the time.

JEZ:
What about shaving? Or are you angels naturally hairless on your body?

VAL:
There is no excessive body hair in Heaven. Unless you like excessive body hair. In which case, you can have as much as you like.

MEL:
[SINGS] Give me down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer…

JEZ:
Hooboy. We’re up to showtunes now. Hey, I heard that your Dear Creator, Michelle Rowen, used a soundtrack to help her groove on certain scenes. Jackie did the same damn thing for Hell’s Belles. How much influence did you play on some of Michelle’s picks?

VAL:
I had no influence on her selections. The playlist, Michelle changed monthly in order to find just the “right” songs.

JEZ:
Which song is your favorite?

VAL:
Let’s see… I like “Mr. Vain” by Culture Beat. That describes Nathaniel to a tee, that’s for sure, and also it’s got a good beat that Michelle grooved to in her car during her endless commutes to the day job. “You Make Me Sick” by Pink describes how much I fought my feelings for the damn demon. Also, it’s a song that Michelle knows all the words to, so also… much car grooving.

JEZ:
Any of Michelle’s song picks make you gag?

VAL:
No, all the songs are quite good. And a little Retro 80’s goes a long way toward a heavenly soundtrack.

JEZ:
Fair enough. Onto the good stuff. Nathaniel. Yummmmm. So, you fought him tempting you…why, exactly?

VAL:
Well… Jez… he is very good looking, yes. Of course. But he is a demon. Which is, you know, like the total opposite of an angel. Therefore, I fought him because I didn’t want to go to Hell.

JEZ:
Why ever not?

VAL:
Duh. The Earthly realm is definitely hellish enough for me.

JEZ:
You know, just because Nathaniel’s a demon, that doesn’t mean he’s, you know, bad. And plus, he’s hot. So why fight the urge to get sweaty with him?

VAL:
Hot, yes he is. But ulterior motives up the yazoo? Not so hot.

JEZ:
What does a yazoo have to do with anything? I’m talking sex. Do angels even have sex?

VAL:
No. Not in any conventional sense, anyhow. Fallen angels? A different story altogether.

JEZ:
Uh huh. I’m guessing you don’t even know what an orgasm is.

VAL:
My, that’s a little personal, isn’t it? What kind of an interview is this, anyhow?

JEZ:
Fine, sweetie. No need to get your feathers ruffled. I’ll tone it down. Who’re better kissers, angels or demons?

VAL:
I’ve never kissed an angel or a demon before the events of my story. And my experience is still greatly limited. I would have to say…depends on the demon.

JEZ:
I’d have to agree with you there. So, in Angel With Attitude, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Michelle, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do?

VAL:
Well, in the first draft, I’m not sure if Michelle really knew what the heck she was doing, frankly. She allowed me to have full rein, which was cool. The book was written from my point of view, in first person. But Michelle tilted my personality way too sarcastic. I ended up sounding just like that silly vampire from her first book.

JEZ:
Whoops.

VAL:
That’s probably one of the reasons she changed it to third person in a later draft. Also, hello? I’m an angel. How am I supposed to know what everything on Earth is? I had to remind her to make me somewhat freaked out instead of totally accepting about all the “new things” I was coming in contact with: killer whales, cars, common colds, etc.

JEZ:
I hear chicken soup’s a surefire cure-all for the common cold.

MEL:
[SINGS] Eating chicken soup with rice…

JEZ:
[GLARES AT MEL] Sweetie, you’re killing me, here…

MEL:
[SINGS] Killing me softly…with his song…

JEZ:
You are SO cut off from the cough syrup. So, Val, how’d Michelle get Angel With Attitude back on track?

VAL:
Luckily, her editor helped streamline a lot. Michelle also planned to include my tempter demon Nathaniel’s point of view, but decided against it. Personally, I think she was just being lazy.

JEZ:
Yeah? If you had your way, what would you change about AWA?

VAL:
Michelle puts me through a lot of stuff. And not all of it was good. Not for me, anyhow. And she gave Reggie the rat all the good lines.

MEL:
[SINGS] With love we’ll find a way, just give it time…

JEZ:
Mel, you’re pushing it here. “Reggie the rat” isn’t even close to Ratt the rock group.

MEL:
[SHOUTS] P-push it REAL GOOD!

JEZ:
Pay no attention to the Muse behind the curtain. Chocolate: sinful, or proof of all things Good?

VAL:
Chocolate is one of the only heavenly things on Earth that I’ve found. And McChickens. But that’s a given.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

VAL:
In relation to the previous question, I wish chocolate had no calories. And that there was world peace. Stuff like that.

JEZ:
Heh, what about in the publishing world? Anything you or Michelle wish could be different?

VAL:
I have nothing to do with publishing, though I have started reading romance novels by the dozens. Trixie L’Amour is my fave author. Michelle wishes that writing books paid millions of dollars. Yearly. And that it wasn’t so hard. And that all reviewers would be really, really nice to her. All of the time.

JEZ:
Halos: Fashion statements or secret weapons, like those spiffy throwing plates in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series?

VAL:
Halos don’t really exist. It’s the heavenly light behind angels that make it look like we have halos. I haven’t read this Stephen King person yet. Does he write regency romances like Trixie?

JEZ:
Well, one of his characters is an über-huge romance writer. Wrote the Misery series. Me, I’m not into the bodice rippers; I’m more of a lingerie kind of demon. Ooh, by the way, loved the white thigh-highs on the cover of AWA. Those your legs on the cover?

VAL:
No, those are my author Michelle Rowen’s legs. Or that’s what she wants me to tell everyone.

JEZ:
With legs like that, she could play you in the movie version of Angel With Attitude.

VAL:
Michelle had a blonde Charisma Carpenter—Cordelia from Buffy—in mind for me. But I’m not sure that’s right. Perhaps Cameron Diaz? Or Charlize Theron? [COUGHS] Both actual fallen angels, might I add.

JEZ:
What about [SLURPING SOUNDS] Nathaniel?

VAL:
Nathaniel would probably want to play himself. Michelle had Jude Law in mind for him, but I don’t know. Michelle would make a horrible casting agent.

JEZ:
Would you insist on a body double for the s-e-x scenes?

VAL:
As far as sex scenes, you obviously haven’t read Michelle’s books.

JEZ:
Have too!

VAL:
Fade to black, my dear! No body double required.

JEZ:
Last question: If you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your angel abilities for?

VAL:
Well, since I’m a fallen angel, I don’t have any abilities. But hypothetically speaking… bloodthirsty revenge against my enemies. And creating a chocolate fountain-o-love.

JEZ:
Ooh, blood AND chocolate? I’m so there! Avid Fans, a huge round of applause for fallen angel and current star of Michelle Rowen’s Angel With Attitude, Valerie Grace! Angel With Attitude, available now in fine bookstores everywhere. Thank you, Valerie!

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, Avid Fans, before we go, a little tidbit about Jackie. She finally finished her next book in the Hell series, The Road to Hell. About time. Lazy [BLEEP]. She’s mailing it to her agent today. If you’re so inclined, wish her some luck over on her blog. Don’t bother with the (shudder) good wishes here. Because Jackie, sweetie?

[RASPBERRY]

Back at you! Humph. Flippin’ Creators and their God complexes…

MEL:
[SNORES]

JEZ:
Hey, look at that. The NyQuil finally kicked in. Fare thee well, sweeties. Until next week. And remember: lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It’s also a specialty soap.
Smooches!