MELPOMENE:
…

JEZ:
I said, HI, MEL!

MEL:
Oh. Yo.

JEZ:
Whatcha doing there, Mel? Reading?

MEL:
It keeps me from the street.

JEZ:
Is the story anything good?

MEL:
…

JEZ:
I’ll take that as a yes.

Some news on the Jackie Kessler front. Now Hell’s Belles is available for pre-order at Amazon, Powells, Borders, and Buy.com. Huzzah! Of course, they all seem to have different release dates. But what’s a minor thing like that, eh?

Before we welcome our guest for today, I want to read last week’s love letters.

Carla says, “Love this interview. Great series.” And Linda agrees: “Too funny!! Love the whole interview. Quirky idea—well done. Love the Undead series.”

Smooches, ladies. Having Betsy here was a blast—we went out to a coffeehouse after the show, and she filled me in on how the wedding plans are going. Gah. Remind me never to get married. Too much work. Remember, you can purchase any of the Undead books at fine bookstores…well, everywhere.

Here’s a note from Emma: “Great interview! Can’t wait for the next one!” Aw, thanks, sweetie! Glad you’re enjoying our show. We love hearing from our readers. Heck, we love knowing that someone’s reading the scripts besides us. Right, Mel?

MEL:
…

JEZ:
Boy, the last time she was this distracted, she was up to her elbows in popcorn, watching a Battlestar Galactica marathon on the SciFi Channel. By the way, my Dear Creator, Jackie Kessler, is practically foaming at the mouth over the third season of BG and of Lost starting in October. That’s it—she’ll never get any writing done…

And finally, from Terri: “Oh, this blog is just too hilarious! How clever! I bow to your evil genius!” Thanks, Terri. You’re a fabulous Hellion. Smooches!

Hey, Mel, help me out here. MEL!!!

MEL:
Yo!

JEZ:
What’s that spiffy saying about procrastination?

MEL:
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

JEZ:
That’s the one. Well, the next Cat and Muse guest is the living proof of why that cliché just doesn’t work. His name is Tomorrow For Sure, and he’s the embodiment of procrastination. No wonder it took forever to book him on the show!

[RIM SHOT]

So Avid Fans, let’s give a hot Cat and Muse welcome to the hero of Richard Jones’s upcoming urban fantasy, Until Tomorrow: Tom F. Sure!

[APPLAUSE]

It’s a pleasure to have you here, Tom.

TOM:
Thanks, Jez. It’s a pleasure to be her. Uh, here, I mean. Say, what’s Mel doing over there? Is it hot in here? No, never mind. Uh, questions. You said you had questions. Let’s her—HEAR them.

JEZ:
A one-time godling now running errands for the Greek gods while trying to make ends meet as a private eye. That must have been a Hell of an adjustment to make. Tell me, what was the worst part about getting used to being a godly errand boy?

TOM:
Mostly the pay sucks, but I can set my own hours. Unless they need something done right away, and I have to drop everything and do whatever crappy thing they’ve got that needs doing, because they’re the only ones who can make sure I haven’t dropped dead of old age the next time they need some damned piece of work done. I mean, that really pisses me off.

JEZ:
Never would have guessed it.

TOM:
Where do those bastards get the sheer balls to pull that kind of crap? Keeping mankind down so they can continue existing? And using me to do it? That kind of. . . Um, you did say this was going to be seen everywhere, right?

JEZ:
Well, it’s live on the Internet.

TOM:
Damn. All right, that last bit was off the record, all right? Just say I enjoy my work very much.

JEZ:
Heh. Sure thing, sweetie. Talk about your powers—that is, when you have the oomph to tap into them. What’s the best part?

TOM:
eBay. You know eBay, right?

JEZ:
Sure I do.

TOM:
Here’s the thing. That time you got beat out for the tea coaster with the stain of Jim Morrison’s face on it? You wanted that thing more than life itself, but you figured no one else would bid on it so you kept putting off checking on it?

JEZ:
Yeah…

TOM:
That was me.

JEZ:
Dang.

TOM:
Then some [BLEEP] had to go and invent software that bids for you. Story of my life, really.

JEZ:
What’s the downside of your powers?

TOM:
They’re about as dependable as an Apple Newton.

JEZ:
A what?

TOM:
Don’t remember that? Not surprised, because it sucked. Apply that standard to what is laughingly called my gift, and you’ll get the idea.

JEZ:
Tell me true: Do your powers of procrastination translate into having phenomenal staying power in the sack?

TOM:
Staying power? Sure, I can hit the snooze alarm with the best of them. Hell, I’d sleep all day if I didn’t have to try and scratch out a living.

JEZ:
Sweetie, I was talking about the good kind of staying power.

TOM:
Forget it. My luck’s so bad that way, I had people choose to go on the Titanic rather than take my luck with the dames.

JEZ:
Aw, poor Tom. Here, this question always cheers me up. What’s better: a golden apple, or chocolate?

TOM:
The golden apple, hands down. Because, as the old joke goes, with one of those I can get as much chocolate as I want. If that went right over your head, then good for you. At least you didn’t learn your sense of humor in the gutter dodging drunken projectile vomit, which, as you might guess, does have its drawbacks.

JEZ:
Er, yeah, I can imagine. Your father is Baccus, god of wine, drink, and alcohol-induced orgies. Right?

TOM:
In a manner of speaking, yeah. That’s what the Romans called him. The Greeks knew him as Dionysus. I think he changed his name to get away from Mom. Not much of a brilliant thinker, Da, but he was fun at festivals. Hell of a da. I remember one party where we emptied the last wine skin seventy-three days after the party started. I think I turned three somewhere in there, but it gets kind of fuzzy.

JEZ:
What about your mom? Who’s she?

TOM:
Da liked to travel with a posse. I think he invented that sort of thing. His girls were called Maenads, the wild women. Mom did like her drink. Da and Mom stayed together for a while, but Mom could see the end coming. He isn’t a stay-put kind of guy, Da. When he started sneaking off for a weekend here and there, Mom saw the writing on the wall and stashed me in his travel bag. The amazing thing is not that I survived, but that he never noticed how heavy his bag was until he got to what’s now called Italy.

JEZ:
I love characters with a sense of history. Say, you know some pretty famous entities. How’d you meet the Tooth Fairy?

TOM:
Chris? Chris and I go way back. The number of belief-powered supernatural entities who can pass for human in today’s world is smaller than you might think. It’s a small community. At least I used to think so.

JEZ:
The Tooth Fairy has an interesting…affliction, doesn’t he? And that’s all due to belief. How powerful is belief?

TOM:
It’s not powerful. It is power. Individually, belief’s not worth a bucket full of snot. But put enough people together and get them all believing the same damn-fool thing and you can really do some damage. Ask Chris the next time he has to go bra shopping.

JEZ:
Your Dear Creator, Richard Jones, and my own DC, Jackie Kessler, both decided to include the Furies in our stories. A case of great minds thinking alike, or are our Creators both seriously in need of psychiatric help?

TOM:
I’m pretty sure Jones ripped her off. He hasn’t had an original thought in that bald head since the time he thought pickles would go good with peanut butter. I think you know where that ended up.

JEZ:
Finally, another character who isn’t afraid to tear into his Creator! In Until Tomorrow, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Richard, dude, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

TOM:
Creator? Hah! I’ve known creators. I’ve worked with creators. And that Jones clown is no creator. Chronicler. At best. Still, there were a few embellishments in the final product. I think he gets a kick out of making me look bad. Worse. Whatever.

JEZ:
I’m sensing some serious bitterness. If you had your way, what would you change about Until Tomorrow?

TOM:
Mostly the hardship. And the hitting. And the torture. And the sex. I wouldn’t cut them out, just make sure they weren’t happening to me. Wait. That last one isn’t happening to me. Typical.

JEZ:
Sweetie, when the show is done, let’s you and me talk. Until then, who’s scarier: the god of war, or the Kindly Ones?

TOM:
That depends. Which one is closer to me and how much of a head start can I get when I run? They’re all of them scary enough to make a dead man roll over in his grave and dig deeper just to get away. The worst part about the Kindly Ones is they just don’t ever stop. No matter what. The god of war can be subtle or explosive, so you never know where you’re going to get hit next. Of course, mostly he just likes blowing stuff up.

JEZ:
What a guy. How lucky are you that you pissed off the Kindly Ones AND the god of war in Until Tomorrow?

TOM:
I don’t know if I’d call crossing them lucky, good or bad. It’s just my life. Yeah. Sucks to be me.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

TOM:
Personal Digital Assistants. Those and cell phones. I’d make sure they never existed. Spawn of the Underworld, the lot of them.

JEZ:
Take it from me, sweetie, we had nothing to do with it.

TOM:
If you say so, but I always smell brimstone around the things. They never work for me. Or when they do, they actually remind people to do stuff on time. I mean, really. What’s the point?

JEZ:
What about in the publishing world—anything you or Richard wish could be different?

TOM:
Sure. I wish editors and publishers were telepaths. They could just go peeping into people’s heads to find good stories. That way I wouldn’t have to depend on Bald-Boy here to get anything done on time. I mean, I try to help, but he keeps putting off polishing my story. Wait a minute, I just had a thought. I. . . Nope. It’s gone. Never mind. Next question.

JEZ:
Is the Cyclops in your story the same guy who played Mongo in Blazing Saddles?

TOM:
You have excellent taste in movies. You busy Saturday?

JEZ:
Yum. Let’s talk after the show.

TOM:
Where was I? Right. Phemus. Naw, old Phemus tried for a career in Hollywood, but they wouldn’t pay him in sheep. He said they kept saying something about loving sheep being illegal. That and he kept offering people his special stew. People thought it was in bad taste what with all the stuntmen and extras that kept disappearing.

JEZ:
Speaking of Hollywood, if Until Tomorrow became a movie, who should play you in the film?

TOM:
I’d have to say Danny DeVito. He’s not good-looking enough, but he’s the only actor I can think of who’s my height. Still, I’m sure they can make him look better with the right special effects.

JEZ:
What about Thalia? Who’d play her?

TOM:
Thalia’d have to be played by somebody funny, good looking and smart, only dumb enough to hang around with the wrong type. [COUGH] I’m thinking somebody like. . . I dunno. Why not go with the obvious? Cameron Diaz. Only minus the unfortunate hair gel.

JEZ:
This is a question from Mel. Hey Mel. MEL!

MEL:
Yo!

JEZ:
We’re up to your question, sweetie. You sure you don’t want to ask this yourself?

MEL:
Melpomene has left the building.

JEZ:
Alrighty. Mel says, Please let Thalia know that she owes Melpomene for that time with the hot dog. Thalia will understand. [SHRUG] Don’t ask me; Muses are downright weird.

TOM:
You know, when I told Thalia where I’d be today, she said something about “Never mind the mustard,” and then doubled over laughing.

MEL:
[SIGHS] Let sleeping hot dogs lie…

TOM:
I’m not sure I want to know what that’s about.

JEZ:
You and me both, sweetie. Finally, if you could be Evil for one day, what would you use your godly powers for?

TOM:
To start with, I’d make sure to work my evil ways on the dude in charge of making me evil. “One day? Why not a year? Hell, why not just let it go? I’ll get around to it sooner or later.” Then I’m off. Actually, you know, I’m not sure there’s all that much evil I could do through procrastination. Why don’t you give me some time to think about it?

JEZ:
How much time do you need?

TOM:
I’ll get back to you next week? The week after okay with you?

JEZ:
Anything for you, sweetie. Avid Fans, give it up for Tom F. Sure, star of Richard Jones’s wonderfully funny urban fantasy, Until Tomorrow. Hey, show Tom the love and let Jones know he has to start querying agents about this story now, now now. Tom Sure, everyone!

[APPLAUSE]

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Me, I’ve got to talk to Tom about Saturday night. See you next time. And remember, if you can’t wait a week (or so) for the next episode, you can visit me and my fellow Kensington Succubus Diva, Georgina, at Magical Minxes. And remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It also comes in yummy fruit flavors.

Smooches!

MELPOMENE:
Yo.

JEZ:
Chipper as ever, Mel.

MEL:
Happy as a clam.

JEZ:
For those just tuning in, Melpomene is the Muse of tragedy. Thanks to too much television, she’s stuck speaking in clichés and quoting lines from popular culture. Not that that’s a bad thing. A bit stupid, maybe, but hey, what can you do?

MEL:
Stupid is as stupid does.

JEZ:
Sweetie, if you’re going to go all Tom Hanks on me, can you focus on his Sleepless in Seattle period? He was a cutie in that. Or maybe something from Philadelphia. Loved those lesions. Looked good enough to slurp—I bet they had a yummy cream filling!

[SLURPING SOUNDS]

Mmm, Tom’s wonderful. He can do a Woody for me any day. Ooh, Tom, I’ll be the Toy in your Story any day! Howdy, howdy, howdy! Haven’t seen Tom in The Da Vinci Code yet. Jackie read the book, so I peeked over her shoulder along the way. You know I was rooting for the albino, right? Give me them bad boys any day. By the way, Jackie liked the story, but hated the writing. Can you see my eyes rolling? Freaking authors. Them and their word fixations.

MEL:
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

JEZ:
Exactamundo. Before diving into this week’s Dirty Thought, I wanted to read some of the love notes that Mel and I got last week. Let’s see, first from Jon Clinch. He says we’re off to a “hell of a start.” Heh, humor! Me digee the humor! Thanks, sweetie. You’re off to a damn good start as well, Mr. Super Big Title From Random House! Finn, hitting bookstores in early 2007. Of course, Papa Finn did all the work, and Jon’s stealing all the credit. But I have a soft spot for thieves. Smooches, Jon.

Next, from Lauren Baratz-Logsted, editor of This Is Chick Lit and author of Vertigo. She says…Hmmm. Avid Fans, Lauren actually addressed this to my Dear Creator, Jackie. Let’s see. “Congratulations, Jackie. The site looks great.” If Jackie were here right now, Lauren, I’m sure she’d thank you whole-heartedly. Of course, I need to point out that this is my blog, not hers. So, like, if you want to tell me how sexy I am, or how tragic Melpomene is, this is the place for it.

MEL:
We’re all ears.

JEZ:
Definitely appreciate the thought, Lauren. Next up, DementedM says, “You had me at the blurb you posted at Absolute Write. Can’t wait for the book to come out!” Aw, Demented, you say the sweetest things. January will be here before you know it. Technically, Jackie posted the blurb at AW, not me. But I’ll let that slip, because there’d be no Hell’s Belles without me. Kiss kiss, Demented.

Camy says she surfed over from the ChickLit Loop. “Great site,” she says, and “it totally fits your books!” First, a huge huzzah to the gremlins that run the Yahoo Groups. Me and gremlins, we’re thisclose. Second, the second book Camy’s referring to is The Road to Hell, which Kensington/Zebra Books will publish in January 2008. No worries, my sweets, I’ll remind you as the, er, year gets closer.

MEL:
[SNORT] Good intentions.

JEZ:
Be nice, Mel. And finally, we have a lovely rant from A Misused Character! Misused is looking for some advice. Well, sweetie, Auntie Jezebel is happy to don her Dear Abby hat. Misused says: “I’m an abused character myself, in a novel by R.P., and I’m not sure if I like the idea of R.P. trying to publish this novel.”

Ooh, sweetie, that’s a bitch, innit? Don’t you hate it when your Creator does stupid [BLEEP] to you, all for the so-called goal of making a quote-better-story-unquote? Let’s see. Misused rants for a bit—apparently, his Creator killed one of his friends off-screen, forced Misused to dwell on it for a ridiculous amount of pages, sets a phantom grandmother character on him, and even has him crucified by his own wife. Ouch.

MEL:
We always hurt the ones we love.

JEZ:
If there’s ever an argument for staying single, folks, that’s it. Misused continues: “What should I do about this? What avenues do I have, as a character, to prevent this story from getting out?” Good question, Misused. Well, there are a number of tools we novel characters have at our disposal. First, dig your heels in and fight the words. Yeah, there’s only so much you can do, and eventually you’ll be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the nether regions of creativity. But if you fight long enough, your Creator may throw his hands up and declare “Writer’s Block.” And that, my sweet, means it’s Miller Time at Character Central.

A second thing you can try is diversion. Concentrate on one thing you really, really, REALLY want your Creator to write about, whether or not it involves you. Sure, go along with the stupid crap your Creator is demanding of you, no matter how demeaning it is. But keep on thinking about that one thing you really want. And I promise, soon your Creator will stop forcing you to do that dreaded tap dance and will start toying around with you shtupping your neighbor’s wife. There may be some tap dancing involved in the shtupping. But as my pal Machiavelli once wrote, the ends justifies the means.

Finally, and this one’s really only if you’re desperate…start singing Britney Spears lyrics. Loudly. You may lose your mind, but at least you won’t lose your dignity on the page. Thanks for writing, Misused—and good luck, sweetie. I’m rooting for you!

MEL:
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder.

JEZ:
Mel’s right. I always root for the Underdog.

Now, this week’s Dirty Thought, brought to you by the former succubus Jezebel. Lingerie. The gift that keeps on giving, the wrapping that’s also the present. Let me tell you, folks, no matter what you look like, no matter what your size, there’s nothing that a little bit of lingerie can’t make even sexier. Because you know what? Sometimes, hinting at lust is more desirable than flaunting it in the buff. Lingerie lets your honey’s imagination run wild, and encourages fingers to do a lot of walking. And exploring. And tickling. And, of course, unwrapping. So do yourself and your honey right. Go to the story and buy yourself something particularly slinky. It doesn’t have to be naughty to be nice.

Well, Avid Fans, there’s no interview this week. See, this is what happens when Jackie hangs out at the Backspace Conference in New York City. Sure, she has a blast, learns a lot, meets tons of people and, all in all, can’t wait to do it again next year. But does she stick to schedule and line up an interview for me? Does she? Huh? Hah? Huh?

Priorities, Dear Creator. Your priorities are [BLEEP]ed up.

Well, I can tell you that Melanie Lynne Hauser’s Birdie Lee, A.K.A. Super Mom, is getting ready to meet me in the studio, hopefully next week. Cleaning tips from Birdie, sex tips from me. Dirty talk, in a squeaky clean package. What’s not to like?

MEL:
Out, out, damn spot.

JEZ:
Mel, you’re making me all tingly with your innuendos.

Now, last thing on the agenda: A little-known tidbit about Jackie. When she was little, she had a huge doll collection. When her dad would travel, he’d bring her a doll from wherever he’d been. And Jackie, precious tyke that she was, would cut off all the dolls’ hair. Something about her mother giving her a rather short haircut when she was about four, and how all the kids called her a boy.

MEL:
Kids. What’s the matter with kids today?

JEZ:
Nothing’s wrong with them, as long as you remember to stuff them with chocolate before you sauté them over a low flame. Crispy outside, gushy inside. Yum!

That’s all for this week’s episode of Cat and Muse! Remember, lust isn’t just a deadly sin. It also fights cavities.

Smooches!