[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse can make Sydney Bristow cry like a girly girl. Darque Reviews says of BITTEN TO DEATH: “The characters are strong, their enemies are vicious, the chemistry is delicious, and their assignments are packed with danger in every direction.” Over at Book Bitch, they’re saying “Always fun and entertaining, this unique urban fantasy series could be the start of a whole new sub-genre: Spy-Fi.”

Spy-Fi? So awesome. But wait, there’s more from Book Bitch: “Cool gadgets, creepy crawlies like you’ve never seen, action, romance, and a healthy mix of humor make this series one of my absolute favorites.”

Sounds absolutely yummy. Boys and girls, give a huge hello to the star of Jennifer Rardin’s terrific Jaz Parks series…the titular heroine, Jaz Parks!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Jaz!

JAZ:
What’s up, Jez?

JEZ:
For those new to Cat and Muse, a disclaimer. Contrary to what you might be thinking, your name and your Creator’s name don’t have to begin with a J to appear on the show. Bless me, this is something out of a bad David Letterman sketch. Jaz, Jez. Jez, Jaz. Jackie, Jen. Jen, Jackie.

MEL:
[ROLLS EYES] JOY.

JEZ:
I have to say, Avid Fans, never piss Jaz Parks off. Sure, she looks all demure, even fragile. But she’s freaking deadly. She has a fifth degree black belt in taekwondo, as well as advanced training in aikido, southern Shaolin-style king fu, ju-jitsu, and mystic fong chen. To say nothing about being an expert sharpshooter. And she can detect vampires without seeing them first.

JAZ:
And I can’t be hypnotized by them, and I’m kina immune to vampiric powers in general. [SMILES SWEETLY] Which makes me an ideal candidate to assassinate the undead.

JEZ:
As long as you’re focused on vampires, and not cute former demons, we’re good. So I hear that in your latest. BITTEN TO DEATH, the CIA is paying you to eliminate one of the world’s most dangerous killers.

JAZ:
[GRINS] Talk about your sweet gigs! [RUBS HANDS GLEEFULLY]

JEZ:
Is it the whole death, doom and destruction thing that turns you on, or is it more personal?

JAZ:
Finally, we’re getting a clear shot at Edward “The Raptor” Samos. This son of a bitch has already attempted mass murder, which we only narrowly averted and at a cost we’re still counting. He’s tried to start a war between America and China. And he’s managed to ally so many usually feuding factions of others that it’s only a matter of time before he pulls a global stunt that could wipe out half the damn planet!

JEZ:
Others? You don’t mean that Nicole Kidman movie, do you?

JAZ:
Weres. Witches. Vamps.

JEZ:
Ah. Sounds like he’s got an Evil Overlord complex.

MEL:
[NODS] ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL.

JEZ:
For real. So Jaz, safe to assume that the Raptor is the worst thing that happens to you in BITTEN TO DEATH, yeah?

JAZ:
[SHAKES HEAD]

JEZ:
Oh? What’s worse?

JAZ:
I’ll give you that in one word: Disa.

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

JAZ:
She and Vayl have history I can’t even begin to dent. Which makes me want to put a big old crease in her forehead every time I talk to her.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS]

JAZ:
Probably not the best instinct to follow considering she’s in charge of the Vampere community we’ve come to save. And by “in charge” I mean in a whiny, foot-stomping way that makes me wonder why the other vamps don’t just thump her so hard that her head disappears into her torso!

JEZ:
[SNORTS] Sounds like a real peach. Including the poison pit. Vayl’s your sweetie, huh?

JAZ:
My boss.

JEZ:
What does one thing have to do with another? Okay, okay. So tell me, what’s Assassin Chic these days?

JAZ:
I usually wear black boots and a matching leather jacket that’s been tailored to mask my shoulder holster.

JEZ:
[NODS] Tailoring. Very important to disguise a girl’s flaws. Or illegal weapons. What else is in your wardrobe?

JAZ:
Jeans. Shirts vary from graphic tees to mock turtlenecks, depending on what part of the world we’ve traveled to. Since occasionally I have to throw on a costume for my job, there’s very little I won’t wear. Maybe one of those T-shirts that make you look like you’re running around topless.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with running around topless. Let’s get back to Vayl.

JAZ:
[BLEEP]

JEZ:
Heh. Really now. I’m sensing some hostility there. What about you, Mel?

MEL:
PISSED OFF AND PUT OUT.

JEZ:
Fess up, Jaz. What’s got you all hot under the collar about Vayl?

JAZ:
I’ll tell you what it is, and I’m getting so pissed as I think about it, I may have to go hit somebody!

JEZ:
Um, sweetie, just remember, you signed that waiver before the show. No attempts to hurt the host. [COUGHS] You were saying…?

JAZ:
Vayl has told me so little about the Vampere community to begin with. [SNORTS] Oh yeah, I have the map he drew of this rambling mansion. And the names and faces of its inhabitants. But I still know almost nothing about what went on in the decades he lived among the Vampere. Why the hell does he have to be so mysterious?

MEL:
MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

JAZ:
You know what I think? I think he’s worried that if I knew the low-down, I’d turn it into blackmail.

JEZ:
[ARCHES EYEBROW] Would you?

JAZ:
At the least, I’d turn it into prime teasing material. Which is possible. [BLEEP] He may know me too well.

JEZ:
Okay, spill already. You and Vayl. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

JAZ:
Since it’s all taking place in my vivid fantasy life right now…

JEZ:
Aw…

JAZ:
I can say unequivocally that neither one of us is on top. Read: him standing; me, not so much.

JEZ:
[GRINS] See, now we’re getting somewhere! What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

JAZ:
[LAUGHS] You are aptly named, are you not, Jezzy?

JEZ:
So my Dear Creator says…

JAZ:
My fantasy involves a huge tub fulla hot water, bubbles, and my favorite vampire. Beer—since champagne sucks—and peanuts—since chocolate doesn’t work with beer—and a silk washcloth.

JEZ:
Which is better, sex or chocolate?

JAZ:
Since I haven’t had any in well over a year—SEX!

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Over a year? Oh bless me, we’ve got to get you laid. I know this one incubus…no, wait. On second thought, bad idea. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] So, in BITTEN TO DEATH, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jennifer, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

JAZ:
Jennifer’s like a freaking five-year-old on a steady diet of Oreos and Red Bull.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

JAZ:
I swear to God, if I didn’t slap her upside the head once in a while, she’d be bouncing off the walls with tangents and boo-hoo back stories and information dumps so big she’d have hemorrhoids the size of Mount Olympus!

JEZ:
[WIPES TEARS FROM EYES] I think I love you.

JAZ:
I will say she’s gotten better at listening to me. But would you believe she thought I was going to do one of the best fight scenes without Vayl? What a nimrod.

JEZ:
Heh. If you had your way, what would you change about BITTEN TO DEATH?

JAZ:
I’d take out the part in the middle where I confront Disa. Makes me look bad.

JEZ:
If you could make Jennifer do anything, what would it be?

JAZ:
I would stick her in a hotdog costume, stand her outside a greasy spoon and make her wave at cars all day. After all, she did make me belly dance that one time.

JEZ:
Hah! Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

JAZ:
I wish I could remove the calories from doughnuts. There’s something fundamentally wrong about lusciousness of that caliber making you fat.

JEZ:
Mmm. It’s one of Hell’s better plans. What about the publishing world? What would you change there?

JAZ:
Holy crap, have you any idea how slow this sucker moves? I’ve killed ten people in the time it takes for half a book to be written. And that’s not easy!

JEZ:
What, writing the book, or killing ten people?

JAZ:
Yes!

JEZ:
Heh. If BITTEN TO DEATH goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

JAZ:
Emma Watson, who played Hermione in the Harry Potter movies, if she can pull off an American accent.

JEZ:
What about Vayl?

JAZ:
Either Gerard Butler or Ioan Gruffudd should play Vayl.

JEZ:
Nice. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

JAZ:
I’d go straight to hell, dress all the demons in three-inch heels and make them dance the cha-cha while the residents judged them by throwing rotten cabbage at the losers. Then, right before I left, I’d make it rain marshmallows.

JEZ:
[FALLS OUT OF CHAIR, HELPLESS WITH MIRTH]

MEL:
HEAVEN…I’M IN HEAVEN…

JAZ:
I would also give everybody curly hair in ninety percent humidity for twenty-four hours. You gotta live it to sympathize!

JEZ:
Sweetie, I so hear you!

Avid Fans, once again give a round of applause to the star of Jennifer Rardin’s latest book, BITTEN TO DEATH…Jaz Parks!

[APPLAUSE]

[Sure, this could be Jaz Parks in one of her numerous disguises. But it’s really Jaz’s Dear Creator, Jennifer Rardin.]

The books in the Jaz Parks series are:

ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST
BITING THE BULLET
BITTEN TO DEATH

BITTEN TO DEATH, which just hit the shelves, is available at Mysterious Galaxy, other independent bookstores, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and other fine bookstores near you.

JAZ:
Also, Jen never gets company and she’s addicted to the Internet, so definitely tell everyone to drop her a line. You can reach her at any of the following addresses: jennifer@jenniferrardin.com, www.myspace.com/jenniferrardin, and at www.facebook.com/pages/Jennifer-Rardin/19356585468. And while you’re surfing, check out her website. You can see excerpts of my past missions and other cool items at www.jenniferrardin.com.

JEZ:
There’s nothing better than ending with a public-service announcement. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Love the Batman shirt. Is that Adam West?

MEL:
POW!

JEZ:
Heh. Careful, or I’ll start humming the theme music from the television show. More addictive than the Jaws theme.

MEL:
HOLY UNDERWEAR, BATMAN!

JEZ:
I’m glad you’re in a superhero sort of place, because today’s guest came all the way from the city of Bigtime, NY, to talk superhero shop. Entertainment Weekly calls the Bigtime series “snappy and diverting,” and Romantic Times says that JINX “is packed with action, humor, romance, a touch of sorrow and just plain fun.” Boys and girls, say hello to the star of JINX, the third book in Jennifer Estep’s terrific Bigtime series…Bella Bulluci!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Bella!

BELLA:
Hi, there! Thanks so much for having me on the show.

JEZ:
Before we start, I have to say this: you look amazing. Love the tailored black suit. The crisp, white shirt really pops. Very classy. What wouldn’t you be caught dead in?

BELLA:
Anything you’d find on your typical Vegas showgirl. Sequins, rhinestones, leopard print, feather boas. [SHUDDERS]

JEZ:
[GRINS] Basically, my working clothes.

BELLA:
Classy, not trashy. That’s my motto.

JEZ:
And a good one it is, too. I’ve heard lots about the Bigtime books. Sex, lies and superheroes. Yum!

BELLA:
[LAUGHS] What could be cooler than all that?

JEZ:
I had powers for a long, long time, but bless me, I wasn’t a superhero. If anything, I would have played for the other team.

MEL:
SWING BATTER BATTER, SWING BATTER.

JEZ:
No, not like a switch hitter. I mean, I would have been an ubervillain. Besides, they get all the good lines. I’m guessing being a superhero isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

BELLA:
[NODS] My luck superpower goes haywire more often than not.

JEZ:
Ooh. ‘Splain, please.

BELLA:
I can crack diamonds just by looking at them, which puts a serious damper on jewelry shopping.

JEZ:
You poor girl. [PATS BELLA’S HAND]

BELLA:
And I’ve been almost brained in the head by falling air conditioners, anvils, and chandeliers more times than I care to count.

JEZ:
Worse than Wile E. Coyote?

BELLA:
Seriously. He looks graceful compared to me.

JEZ:
Ouch.

BELLA:
Then there’s the fact I get kidnapped by a sexy art thief and taken to his, ahem, Lair of Seduction.

JEZ:
Details!

BELLA:
[COUGHS] And have I mentioned the ubervillains yet?

JEZ:
Heh. I see you’re playing the “Read the Book” card. Well done, sweetie. Okay, I’ll bite. Tell me about the baddies.

BELLA:
Two ubervillains, Hangman and Prism, want me dead, so a mad bomber gives me an explosive charm bracelet to wear to fight them off.

JEZ:
Villains, kidnappings, shattering diamonds, mad bombers. Talk about your bad luck. What’s the worst thing that happens to you?

BELLA:
My hair. Definitely my hair.

JEZ:
Really?

BELLA:
You see, like so many folks in Bigtime, NY, I’m cursed with a superpower: luck. Which we all know can be either good or bad.

JEZ:
Uh huh…

BELLA:
Basically, my power makes me feel like I’m standing inside the world’s biggest ball of static electricity—which raises my hair to sky-high heights.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

MEL:
GIMME DOWN TO THERE, HAIR, SHOULDER LENGTH OR LONGER…

BELLA:
I haven’t met a conditioner yet that can tame my frizzy locks for more than a few minutes. And I’ve tried them all. At once. [SIGHS].

JEZ:
Poor sweetie. Let’s talk about something happier. Tell us about the love of your life, Debonair.

BELLA:
[SIGHS DREAMILY] He’s smart, suave, funny, sweet, and just a tad shy. And the way that man fills out his leather superhero suit … yummy!

JEZ:
Ooh!

BELLA:
[GRINS] It’s practically criminal how good he looks in it.

JEZ:
Okay, spill. You and Debonair. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

BELLA:
Well, in Bigtime, just about everybody has a superpower of some sort. Debonair’s happens to be teleportation, or moving people and objects through space. So, he can–and does–pop! us into any position we want, whenever we want…if you know what I mean.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] Oh, bless me, the possibilities are endless! What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

BELLA:
I’m a simple girl at heart. I like a nice guy who treats me to a nice night out – a romantic comedy movie and a wonderful, carb-heavy dinner at Quicke’s. Pasta, potatoes, wine, chocolate cake.

JEZ:
Okay…

BELLA:
[SMILES] We take a slow walk through the moonlight down by the marina and Bigtime Bay, then sit on a bench a while and just watch the waves crash into the pier.

JEZ:
Uh huh…

BELLA:
Then we go back to my place and do things that make my toes curl–and my hair reaches new, gravity-defying heights.

JEZ:
Bingo! [LAUGHS] Which is better: sex or chocolate?

BELLA:
Sex that involves chocolate whipped cream. The best of both worlds.

JEZ:
Now we’re talking! So, in JINX, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jennifer, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

BELLA:
[ROLLS EYES] Don’t even get me started on Jennifer! She knows how much I hate superheroes and ubervillains and the whole hero lifestyle, and what does she do? Makes me the star of her book, where I not only fall in love with a sexy superhero but also have to dodge ubervillains right and left. [SIGHS]

JEZ:
Yeah, I hear you on Creators not listening to us. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] If you had your way, what would you change about JINX?

BELLA:
My hair. Definitely my hair.

JEZ:
Heh.

BELLA:
Why did Jennifer have to make it so big? I also wish she’d let me wise up a little sooner, instead of almost waiting until it’s too late to tell Debonair that I love him.

JEZ:
Let’s say the shoe’s on the other foot: if you could make Jennifer do anything, what would it be?

BELLA:
Wear a nice, fitted suit and low-heeled pumps for a change, instead of those grubby T-shirts, jeans, and sneakers she schleps around in. The girl really needs a fashion makeover. She needs to do something with her hair, too. It looks almost as frizzy and big as mine does.

JEZ:
Hee. If JINX goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

BELLA:
Hmm. This is a toughie. I think Ashley Judd is lovely, and her hair is just exquisite.

JEZ:
What about Debonair?

BELLA:
I’d say Pierce Brosnan. He has the most beautiful blue eyes, although they still pale in comparison to Debonair’s. [SIGHS DREAMILY]

JEZ:
Heh. Someone’s got it baaaad…

MEL:
AIN’T LOVE GRAND?

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, how would you use your power for evil?

BELLA:
If I could, I’d transfer my power to others. Specifically, mean people. And let them have a run of bad luck.

JEZ:
Hah! Love it!

BELLA:
Maybe if they got brained by a couple of falling anvils they’d wise up and change their evil ways. Wha-ha-ha!

JEZ:
Bwa-ha-ha back atcha!

Avid Fans, once again, give a round of applause to the star of Jennifer Estep’s latest Bigtime novel, JINX…Bella Bulluci!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Bella. But it is her alter ego, the super Jennifer Estep.]

You can get the first two Bigtime books, KARMA GIRL and HOT MAMA, in mass market now. JINX, also in mass market, is available for pre-order at Mysterious Galaxy, other terrific independent bookstores, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and other fine stores near you. JINX hits the shelves on September 2, 2008.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

Which is a terrific place to segue into introducing the next guest! Author Jaci Burton calls him a “steaming studmuffin incubus,” and online reviewer Mrs. Giggles says he’s “such an adorable bad boy with an ego to match the size of his, er, talent.” Publishers Weekly calls HOTTER THAN HELL “sexy and bold.” Romantic Times, in a 4.5-star top pick review, says “Kessler has outdone herself by giving readers a glorious book three of her deliciously sinful series, Hell on Earth. Daunuan’s sexy supernatural antics make sparks fly, and if you’re not careful you’ll singe your fingers as the pages speed by.” ParaNormalRomance selected HOTTER THAN HELL as one of its July 2008 staff picks, calling the book “not only heartfelt and engaging but one that is also a sensuous and adventurous tale” and goes on to say “Kessler clearly is staking her claim in the urban fantasy genre as an author that is here to stay–and we’re only too glad to have her.” And bestselling author Cheyenne McCray says “Jackie Kessler is firmly on my list of favorite authors. HOTTER THAN HELL is edgy and filled with hot temptation–in the form of an incubus so sexy, daring, and delicious that you’ll be offering him your own soul. Fast paced and clever, Kessler’s writing shines.”

Boy, my Dear Creator better watch it, or some demons of Pride are going to start eyeballing her the way a hooker does a freshly scrubbed lad straight off the bus from the Bible belt. Boys and girls, give a, say it with me, hotter than hot welcome to the incubus extraordinaire…Daunuan!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, sweetie!

DAUN:
Babes. [GLANCES AROUND] Nice place you have here. Lots of space.

JEZ:
Thanks.

DAUN:
Where’s your other half?

JEZ:
Mel? She’s on paid time off.

DAUN:
[SMILES] Took one look at the guest list and hightailed it out of here, huh?

JEZ:
Can you blame her, after what happened back in England?

DAUN:
[BLINKS] Enlighten me.

JEZ:
You, Mel, the Black Plague…

DAUN:
Ahhh. [GRINS] Yeah, that Muse knows how to turn tragedy into foreplay…

JEZ:
Anyway. You look good. I like the tall, dark and handsome thing. Channeling Christian Bale?

DAUN:
I put the “dark” into the Dark Knight.

JEZ:
Actually, that would be Clairol. All righty. Let’s do this. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] So you finally get what’s coming to you in HOTTER THAN HELL.

DAUN:
If you mean lots of sex, you bet.

JEZ:
I meant you learning the hard way about what it means to love.

DAUN:
[SNORTS] As if. Demons don’t love.

JEZ:
Come on, now. You don’t have to toe the company line here. It’s me, sweetie.

DAUN:
[ARCHES BROW] And your gajillion viewers.

JEZ:
Ooh, you think we have a gajillion viewers? Sweet!

DAUN:
Focus, Jez. We were talking about me.

JEZ:
Right, your favorite subject.

DAUN:
Actually, that would be sex.

JEZ:
[SMIRKS] Daun, bad enough you think with the wrong head as a matter of course. But this conversation’s supposed to be about business. You know, promote your new book. Let’s not talk about sex.

DAUN:
So you mean you’re not going to ask me about who’s on top? Or my romantic fantasy? Babes, I’m hurt.

JEZ:
[ROLLS EYES] We really don’t have to go there.

DAUN:
Oh, but we should. First, my position on positions. For the record, I greatly enjoyed SUCCUBUS ON TOP.

JEZ:
Heh. Nice Richelle Mead plug. Our Dear Creator would be pleased.

DAUN:
Hey, Bastien’s my kind of incubus. And I’d do Georgina in a heartbeat.

JEZ:
You’d do anything in a heartbeat.

DAUN:
Well. Yeah. This is true. [SMILES] Want to know what my fantasy is?

JEZ:
No.

DAUN:
Why not? You star in it.

JEZ:
All the more reason to say no.

DAUN:
Chicken.

JEZ:
Am not.

DAUN:
Are too. You’re a big fat chicken.

JEZ:
Fat? Now you’re calling me fat?

DAUN:
Never. You’re juicy. You’re delicious. You’re finger…[RUBS FINGERS TOGETHER]

JEZ:
…

DAUN:
…licking… [FINGERS MOVE SLOWER]

JEZ:
[THROATY PURR] Ooh…

DAUN:
…good. [MAKES “COME HERE” GESTURE]

JEZ:
[SQUEALS] STOP THAT!!!

DAUN:
[INNOCENT SMILE] Stop what?

JEZ:
[CLEARS THROAT] In HOTTER THAN HELL, you’re supposed to seduce a woman meant for Heaven, even though she’s impervious to your devilish charm.

DAUN:
Wait, you were serious about being all business?

JEZ:
[GLARES] Yes.

DAUN:
Huh. I guess that’s refreshing. Okay, sure. Undivided attention. Go.

JEZ:
You’re too kind. Where was I?

DAUN:
Babbling about me learning about love.

JEZ:
Right. And then there’s the little matter of demons after that hot ass of yours.

DAUN:
Not in the way I prefer, either.

JEZ:
Of course not. What would you change about HOTTER THAN HELL?

DAUN:
Less fighting, more sex.

JEZ:
What a stretch. If you could make Jackie do anything, what would it be?

DAUN:
Less writing, more sex.

JEZ:
Okay, that’s just disturbing.

DAUN:
How so?

JEZ:
She’s our Creator. That sort of makes her our parent. Parents aren’t supposed to have sex.

DAUN:
Anyone ever tell the parents that?

JEZ:
HOTTER THAN HELL becomes a movie. Who plays you?

DAUN:
Christian Bale.

JEZ:
Really?

DAUN:
[SHRUGS] I’m in a mood. He nailed Batman.

JEZ:
Heh. “Nailed.” What about me? Who plays me?

DAUN:
Christina Ricci.

JEZ:
The gal who played Wednesday Addams?

DAUN:
And who was chained to a radiator in nearly nothing but her panties in Black Snake Moan.

JEZ:
[BRIGHTENS] Oh, right! Sounds good to me. Okay, last question. If you were forced to be good for a day, what would you do?

DAUN:
Probably slit my wrists out of boredom.

JEZ:
Heh.

DAUN:
We done? Can we have sex now?

JEZ:
Sweetie, you sure know how to charm the pants off a girl.

DAUN:
[GRINS] Actually, I do.

JEZ:
[SMILES] You’re such a cocky bastard.

DAUN:
Heh. You said “cocky.”

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

DAUN:
[SMILES] Come on, babes. Let’s get out of here.

JEZ:
Hang on, let me wrap this up.

You can get our Dear Creator’s latest novel, HOTTER THAN HELL, at–

DAUN:
[DOES SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNMENTIONABLE]

JEZ:
[QUICKLY] For more info on where to get the book, check out the website, since you’re here already. [SOFTLY] Stop that, just wait a blessed minute!

DAUN:
Tick tick, Jez.

JEZ:
Until next time, remember, love your inner demon.

DAUN:
Heh. I’ll love your inner demon for you.

JEZ:
Ooh! [CUE CARDS GO FLYING; FADE TO BLACK, WITH MUCH SQUEALING AND MOANING]

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest knows all about second chances. Speaking of seconds, DRIVING SIDEWAYS is well into its second printing, huzzah! The book has been hailed as “hugely entertaining and genius” by bestselling author Marian Keyes. And Booklist has this to say about it: “Smart and funny without being forced, sentimental without being maudlin, Riley’s funny, picaresque vision of America will make readers wish they could go along with Leigh on her next trip.” Author Kristy Kiernan calls this Target Break-Out Book “brilliant” and says: “Jess Riley proves herself a huge new talent.”

Give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Jess Riley’s debut novel, DRIVING SIDEWAYS…Leigh Fielding!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Leigh!

LEIGH:
[WAVES HELLO]

JEZ:
[GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] So you start things off by being terminally ill at twenty-eight. Ugh, that sucks.

LEIGH:
My daily medication regimen is a drug rep’s wet dream.

JEZ:
So I assume it can only get better from there, right?

LEIGH:
Where to begin? I’m on a cross-country road trip with a seventeen year-old hitchhiker, who conned her way along for the ride by stealing my purse—and medication—at a roadside rest area.

JEZ:
Ouch.

LEIGH:
One of my parents is dead; the other, who knows where. My overprotective brother James is suffocating me, and I can’t even have a beer when I have a bad day.

JEZ:
Yikes.

LEIGH:
What’s more, while a wife with the lifespan of a fruit fly might appeal to some men, most prefer a partner with a bit more staying power when they settle down for the long haul. So most dates I’ve encountered over the last few years have been of the edible variety.

JEZ:
Bless me, someone needs a hug.

MEL:
FALLEN ON HARD TIMES.

JEZ:
For real. Leigh, has anything good happened to you? I mean, getting a root canal without Novocain would be cake compared to the [BLEEP] that you go through…

LEIGH:
My recent kidney transplant gave me one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. I finally feel well enough to LIVE, to achieve the things I always wanted to do. I have the best friends in the world, and I’m breaking out of my bubble. So what if I had to convince myself I was channeling the traits of my unknown kidney donor to do it?

JEZ:
Say what now?

LEIGH:
My New Age best friend Jillian talked me into thinking I was channeling the characteristics of my dead kidney donor.

JEZ:
Oh my.

LEIGH:
I DO listen to some new music, and I HAVE taken up some new hobbies, and I AM eating new foods…but is this all in my head?

JEZ:
Could be. Or maybe some of your meds are screwing with you.

LEIGH:
This is one reason why I need to meet my donor’s family. I have to find out if I’m simply finally embracing life, or if I’m just a fool.

MEL:
A FOOL’S PARADISE?

JEZ:
Who cares, as long as it’s working? Okay, enough with the sadness and the possibility of a mental breakdown. Let’s talk sex. According to my notes, you’re a prime candidate for a ménage a trois. Sweet! Let’s have some details on the men in your life. Any preferred positions?

LEIGH:
Well, I just met Chris, but he does look like the kind of guy who really knows his way around a vagina.

JEZ:
Hee, that’s an excellent start. But the question is, can he follow through?

LEIGH:
I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Seth? Now he was a little freaky—a nurse I know once made the comment, “What’s with Midwestern boys sticking objects into their rectums or penises?” Seth could probably give you all kinds of answers to that question.

JEZ:
Hah! So what’s your romantic fantasy?

LEIGH:
My fantasy? Other than living past the age of thirty?

JEZ:
Romantic fantasy, sweetie. Pretend there’s a happily ever after.

LEIGH:
Well, since I haven’t gotten laid since the Pleistocene Era and simply sitting next to an attractive man is nearly enough to give me an orgasm that could warp space and bend a beam of light, let’s focus on baby steps.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

LEIGH:
Just falling in love.

JEZ:
Really?

LEIGH:
Yeah, I’m one of those girls, I guess. And then getting laid.

JEZ:
Bingo! Which is better: sex or chocolate?

LEIGH:
Sex. Definitely.

JEZ:
[GRINS] So, in DRIVING SIDEWAYS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jess, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

LEIGH:
Jess is all right. But that bit about the kiss on the Ferris wheel? I could have done without.

JEZ:
Ooh…

LEIGH:
And really, one automobile mishap would have been more than enough for me.

JEZ:
Er. I take it there’s more than one?

LEIGH:
Also, I was pretty pissed when she destroyed my kayak.

JEZ:
Hah! Sounds like you really pissed your Creator off in another life. Good for you! If you had your way, what would you change about DRIVING SIDEWAYS?

LEIGH:
Well, if I told you, I’d give away a major plot point, and control freak Ms. Riley might not like that.

JEZ:
Heh. Spoilsport.

LEIGH:
[WHISPERS] Between you and me, it might be fun to get back at her for the kayak incident that way.

JEZ:
So if you could make Jess do anything, what would it be?

LEIGH:
Lighten the hell up! And give me a cameo in the next book.

JEZ:
[SMILES] Good luck with both of those, sweetie. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

LEIGH:
I wish the ice-cream truck would stop playing “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” It’s about to make me stab my ears with pencils.

JEZ:
It’s a little-known secret that demons actually program all ice-cream truck music. Their devious plan is working! Bwahahahah! [COUGHS] Anyway…clothing time! Where do you shop?

LEIGH:
I’m pretty broke, so I buy most of my clothing at Target. I’d hit thrift stores, but I don’t want to accidentally catch crabs from a pair of pants.

JEZ:
Bless me, you are the most adorable thing. What’s your standard outfit?

LEIGH:
Driven by comfort: shorts, flip-flops, a soft and lived-in T-shirt.

JEZ:
Nice. What wouldn’t you be caught dead in?

LEIGH:
Anything that cost more than my weekly salary—which, if I told you what that was, you’d laugh ’til you puked.

MEL:
MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU HAPPINESS.

JEZ:
But it can buy lots of other things. Sparkly things. But I digress. Leigh, If DRIVING SIDEWAYS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

LEIGH:
Ellen Paige might make a good Leigh. Or Lauren Ambrose.

JEZ:
What about Chris, who knows his way around a vagina?

LEIGH:
Rainn Wilson would make an excellent Chris.

JEZ:
That image is going to stay with me the next time I catch an episode of THE OFFICE. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

LEIGH:
Well, I was raised Catholic in the Midwest. It’s nearly beyond my imagination to imagine spiffy evil powers. Tempting, but the guilt afterwards would be a high price to pay.

JEZ:
Heh. That’s sort of the point.

LEIGH:
Between you and me, I like the idea of all current and former bullies being struck with chronic low back pain. Or herpes.

JEZ:
Attagirl!

Ladies and gentlemen, give another round of applause to the star of Jess Riley’s debut novel, DRIVING SIDEWAYS…Leigh Fielding!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Leigh, but it is her Dear Creator, Jess Riley.]

A note from Jess Riley about Polycystic Kidney Disease: It’s a bitch of a condition, and more people need to know about it, because it’s more common than cystic fibrosis, Down syndrome, muscular dystrophy, and sickle cell anemia COMBINED—the most common life-threatening genetic disease worldwide, yet there is no cure, and no Labor Day telethon to raise funds for research. So we need to start with raising awareness. To learn more, go to: www.pkdcure.org.

You can buy DRIVING SIDEWAYS at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Target, your favorite independent bookseller, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse understands the concept of family values. The Los Angeles Times says that the Amy Wallen “capably illustrates that it is not only possible but also compelling to be funny, captivating, and compassionate, all in the same book.” And Booklist declares: “Wallen launches a funny, touching, and bittersweet ride in search of family, but what her characters find is bigger than Texas and better than MoonPies.”

Boys and girls, give a round of applause for the heroine of Amy Wallen’s MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS…Ruby Kincaid!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Ruby!

RUBY:
Howdy, howdy!! [WAVES BIG AND HEARTY]

JEZ:
So, the owner of six-lane bowling alley in Devine, Texas, spots her runaway daughter on a ButterMaid commercial, then sets off for Hollywood to find her and make her own up to her responsibilities—specifically, her two children she left behind.

RUBY:
Sweetest little kids. Don’t make no sense.

MEL:
IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD.

JEZ:
What’s worse: having your daughter Violet run away, or having to put up with your daughter’s star-struck mother in law, Imogene?

RUBY:
Violet has been missing for four years. That’s the worse thing that can ever happen to a momma, I suppose. But Imogene, she never wanted to have anything to do with Violet until she sees her on the TV and now she’s acting like she’s a star-in-law.

JEZ:
“Star-in-law.” Heh, I like that. Even in the midst of such a hard time, was there anything about it that didn’t utterly suck?

RUBY:
Well, for me, none of it was all that great. Anxiety about this and that, worrying that my grandkids will grow up to be crazy people after the pain their momma caused them.

JEZ:
I can see that.

RUBY:
But for my sister, Loralva, who came along on the trip in the Winnebago because she has a huge crush on Bob Barker…

JEZ:
Mmm. Sexy man, who appreciates the value of a dollar.

RUBY:
Well, she got to be on The Price is Right, and I got to get dressed up in fancy clothes, and that was all fun. That whole day. At least until I punched Imogene in the parking lot.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Say what, now?

RUBY:
[COUGHS] Usually, I prefer a simple outfit. Something comfortable and almost always it’s polyester, and most definitely bowling shoes.

JEZ:
Heh. I see we’re taking the fifth on the random act of violence and have focused on the fancy clothing portion of your answer.

RUBY:
[WINKS] I get too many scratches and scuffs on my maple floors at the bowling alley to warrant ever wearing anything but the right shoes.

JEZ:
Deep in your heart, you’re a Blahnik babe, aren’t you?

RUBY:
[SNORTS] You get a pair of heels on my floors and I’m having to buff for a week and a half.

JEZ:
What other fashion faux pas make you roll your eyes?

RUBY:
I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of Loralva’s crazy outfits: white fringed mini-dresses, red satin halter tops that show all. [PAUSES] She’s got the figure for it, though.

JEZ:
So with all the insanity going on in MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS, what was the most ridiculous part of the story?

RUBY:
That there are five of us in that damn Winnebago.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] At least it’s not a compact car. Okay, let’s talk sex!

RUBY:
Oh my.

JEZ:
You and your sweetie. Who’s on top?

RUBY:
I’ve never told anybody this, but after my husband Rascal died, and I went over to Earl Glidden’s house one evening, just to have a beer and pick up some goat meat for the barbecue at the bowling alley the next day, well, we ended up in the goat pen on a pile of hay and come to find out, there was a rattlesnake in the same pile of hay.

JEZ:
[GRINS] So that’s what the kids are calling it these days…

RUBY:
While I won’t go into details, let’s just say he was on top, I was on top, then everybody was all topsy turvy and I think the snake was more frightened than we were. [PRIMLY] And I don’t mean anything naughty about saying “snake.” It was the real thing. Both of them. [WINKS]

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

MEL:
COLD-HEARTED SNAKE.

JEZ:
I get the feeling there wasn’t anything cold about that particular snake. Ruby, what’s your romantic fantasy?

RUBY:
I never had one before…but the goat pen sure stirs up a lot of feelings for me, even if I’m just spraying deodorizer in the rental shoes and happen to let it slip across my mind. Those tingly kinds of feelings you get “down there.”

JEZ:
[GRINS] So, while we’re talking about it, which is better: sex or chocolate?

RUBY:
Well, I don’t see why they have to be separated. Plenty of things you can do with chocolate, especially when it’s melted.

JEZ:
Bless me, yes. And when it’s dribbled all over the body, especially in the—

MEG:
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY.

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Sorry, getting off topic. So, in MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Amy, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

RUBY:
When I hit Imogene in The Price is Right parking lot.

JEZ:
Okay, no wiggling out of this one. Tell, tell!

RUBY:
[BLUSHES] I didn’t want to do it.

JEZ:
Of course you didn’t.

RUBY:
But Amy said if I didn’t haul off and slug that Imogene and let her have it right then and there that no one would want to read any further, and she’d put her pen down because she was just sick and tired of my nicey nice everybody-gotta-get-along attitude. And to be quite honest, I was kind of tired of being nice and getting nothing in return, if you know what I mean.

JEZ:
I sure do.

RUBY:
So I hauled off and let Imogene know what I really thought. And maybe a little more. Felt damn good. Should have done it sooner.

JEZ:
The important thing, slugger, is that you did it.

MEL:
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

JEZ:
Damn straight. If you had your way, Ruby, what would you change about MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS?

RUBY:
Suddy Wilson, the preacher’s wife, wouldn’t have sold all my neon beer signs that I had hanging around the bowling alley and replaced them with neon lines of the Lord’s Prayer that blinked on and off as the congregation recited the lines.

JEZ:
Hold the phone. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] I thought you said you owned a bowling alley.

RUBY:
[NODS] She’d turned the bowling alley into a chapel while I was out of town and left Suddy in charge. She was the league captain, after all.

JEZ:
Heh. I see. If you could make Amy do anything, what would it be?

RUBY:
Finish the next book in the series, where my sister Loralva is the main character.

JEZ:
Ooh! A plug! Sneaky gal!

RUBY:
[BLUSHES] It’s a good story and a lot of fun.

JEZ:
I’m sure it is, sweetie. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

RUBY:
That loving somebody really could be enough.

MEL:
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

JEZ:
If that were the case, Hell would go out of business. And so would all the therapists the world over. If MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

RUBY:
I want that Kathy Bates to play me. And Jessica Lange should be Loralva and Olympia Dukakis should be Imogene. But I don’t want to punch Olympia.

JEZ:
You could get a stunt double for that. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

RUBY:
Oh, that just sounds like no fun at all.

JEZ:
[WAGGLES BROWS] You never know until you try.

RUBY:
I’d probably give my powers to Loralva, who would do all sorts of things to Imogene that would be fun to watch.

JEZ:
Heh. Well played.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Amy Wallen’s MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS…Ruby Kincaid!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Ruby. But it is her Dear Creator, Amy Wallen.]

You can get MOONPIES & MOVIE STARS at Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, your favorite independent bookstore, Target, Amazon, and other fine stores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse knows that it’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you. Romantic Times calls NIGHT CHILD an “absorbing paranormal detective tale” and says that “the stubborn, rule-breaking heroine keeps the tension high and the risk palpable.” And SFRevu says that “Tess and Derrick may go down as the new Cagney and Lacey—competent officers with heart, courage, and integrity.”

Stubborn and courageous? I’m there. Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot round of applause to one of the stars of Jes Battis’s NIGHT CHILD…Derrick!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Derrick!

DERRICK:
[WAVES HELLO]

JEZ:
So you’re a Vancouver-based Occult Special Investigator.

DER:
[NODS] We analyze demon DNA, process mystical crime scenes, and sometimes even prosecute warlocks at the supreme-court level. Our occult investigations start where most urban fantasies end: with the dirty details.

JEZ:
Sort of like the human police’s Homicide division—their day begins when someone’s ends. And Hell knows, I like it dirty. [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] And it says here you’re a mind reader. What number am I thinking of?

DER:
Well, I’m not one of those cool telepaths like Jean Grey. I mostly just get stuck reading the thoughts of dead demons. And they don’t exactly think about kitties and sunshine.

JEZ:
Shocker.

DER:
More like, I canz haz yer yummy soul?

JEZ:
[GIGGLES]

MEL:
SOUL FOOD.

DER:
My partner, Tess, is the hot one, and I’m the sensible sidekick.

JEZ:
That would be the Cagney to her Lacey, huh?

DER:
[NODS] But I still know how to party. Once, I invited a bunch of telekinetics over to help me move. That was a party.

JEZ:
Hah! So what rocks about your job?

DER:
I get to work with my best friend and make fun of her when she dates the undead.

JEZ:
Heh. Not that there’s anything wrong with dating the undead. As long as they’re not rotting. Because seriously? Ew.

DER:
I love my job. I help solve crimes that normal people don’t give two [BLEEP] about. Who wants to fight for justice for a dead demon? Hello, we do.

JEZ:
The former demon in me is thrilled about equal opportunity death benefits.

DER:
Instead of doing Tarot, I get to analyze mystical crime scenes and help put the pieces of the forensic puzzle together. And I get to wear awesome shoes.

JEZ:
Ooh! Shoes!

DER:
Tess hates fashion. But let’s be honest: I’m a gay man, and I like to dress well.

MEL:
THE CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN.

DER:
Sure, it all gets covered by an industrial Tyvek biohazard suit, but we can at least look hot when we’re interrogating subjects, like the pretty people on CSI Miami. Note: you cannot scrub blood and viscera out of a white Armani jacket, so don’t wear it to a crime scene.

JEZ:
Duly noted. So what’s your usual look?

DER:
Most days, I rock the classic urban outfit: Mavi jeans (loose fit—I’m no model), Diesel shoes or Campers, Ted Baker button-up shirt, Kenneth Cole trench or sometimes a kicky little jean-jacket from Mexx, and my silver bracelet with a bit of classy rainbow flair. Yeah, I’m queer. Get over the shock.

JEZ:
Hee, I love it! You absolutely must go shopping with me. Have you gotten any flak for your orientation?

DER:
My partner broke a guy’s arm in three places once because he asked if we were both homos. Her exact words? “Thanks for the compliment, but I’m straight, Derrick’s gay, and you’re—well—in need of some medical attention, now.”

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

MEL:
LOVE HURTS.

JEZ:
Indeed! Speaking of which, how’s your love life, Derrick?

DER:
[SIGHS] I never get to date. The love of my life bailed on me when he found out that I was a telepath, and I almost lost my job (and a lot more) just for telling him about it. Tess doesn’t fare any better than I do. Luckily, things are starting to look up.

JEZ:
Forget the dating. Let’s talk sex. Who’s on top?

DER:
Normally, I’m a top.

JEZ:
Mmm hmmm.

DER:
[LAUGHS] Yeah, yeah, I know guys always say that, and it sounds like they’re compensating, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes.

JEZ:
Fair enough.

DER:
Bottoming just takes more effort, and I don’t have a whole lot of square footage in that area, if you know what I mean. I can’t have a lot of guests over for a relaxing brunch up my ass.

JEZ:
So in this case, the more is not the merrier.

DER:
But I’ll bottom for the right guy. Why do we have to go straight to ‘who’s on top’ anyways?

JEZ:
Just a standard question. Happy to hear about any other activities or positions you prefer. In fact, I’ll take notes!

DER:
I love kissing. I love blowjobs. I love finding all those funny little areas on a guy’s body that never get the attention they deserve.

JEZ:
Bless me, you’re a romantic at heart. So what’s your romantic fantasy?

DER:
I’m standing at the sink washing dishes. It’s been a long day. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. I lean into the crook of his neck. He kisses my shoulders and then my back. Slips off my shirt. Gets down on his knees. Undoes my jeans. Tongues the elastic band of my briefs and kisses my treasure trail.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] Mel! Cue music!

MEL:
[TURNS ON BARRY WHITE CD]

DER:
I get down on the floor with him. I sit in his lap and wrap my legs around him. He sweeps a hand up my leg, stroking the soft hair, then up my thigh. He smells like the air outside—like summer. I read his thoughts, and they’re all the right ones. I kiss the top of his head. He whispers in my ear: “I love cooking for you.” Then we kill the next few hours on the linoleum floor, while the leaky tap drip-drip-drips quietly above us.

JEZ:
Bravo! Oh, sweetie, that’s marvelous! Tell me, which is better: sex or chocolate?

DER:
Chocolate. Particularly, Ben & Jerry’s Fish Food ice cream.

JEZ:
Ah, sweetie. I do so have to introduce you to a certain incubus, who might get you to change your answer. [PAUSES] On the other hand, no I don’t. He’s evil. You’re delicious. No incubus nookie for you. So, in NIGHT CHILD, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jes, dude, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

DER:
A bit of both. I was happy that I got to get stoned and joke with Tess about sea turtles. I didn’t enjoy having to watch her go through so much dramatic [BLEEP] with her job. And Jes did manage to piss me off a few times.

JEZ:
Ooh! Tell, tell!

DER:
Like, the times I had to play errand-boy, or when Tess got to have a sexy make-out session and all I got was a night watching reruns of Battlestar? Thanks a lot.

JEZ:
Yeah, Creators can really suck, can’t they? [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

DER:
But trust me, he made up for it in HEXSTACY.

JEZ:
Ooh, I love the sneaky plug for the next book! Well played, sir. If you had your way, what would you change about NIGHT CHILD?

DER:
I’d like to have more sex.

JEZ:
[STANDS UP AND CHEERS] Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!

DER:
Seriously. [TO COMPUTER] Are you listening, Jes? I’m a horny telepath. Mama needs a visit from Zachary Quinto, stat.

JEZ:
Can I watch?

DER:
[TO COMPUTER] Also, can we get my powers sorted out? Why are they so wonky? Would it kill you to give me Dark Phoenix hair?

JEZ:
Oh, bless me. [FANS SELF] Sweetie, I think I love you. If you could make Jes do anything, what would it be?

DER:
Stop calling us in to mystical crime scenes at 3 am. Couldn’t we get a call, like, around lunchtime? Maybe somewhere close to a mall?

JEZ:
[SNORTS] Yeah, good luck with that. Our Creators live to torment us. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

DER:
On February 12, 2008, 15-year-old student Lawrence King—from Oxnard, CA—was shot in the head by a fellow classmate for being gay. You can’t change hate. There are no editorial techniques for that.

JEZ:
You’re right.

DER:
But if it were possible, I would grab every parent in the world by the shoulders, shake them, and say: “Teach your kids to love and respect others. Teach them not to be afraid of people who are different. And please, for the sake of all those terrified queer, marginalized, and at-risk kids out there, teach them to be allies, advocates, and heroes rather than the people pulling the trigger.”

JEZ:
Amen, brother.

MEL:
[EYES JEZEBEL]

JEZ:
What? You didn’t see the “former” part of me being a former demon? I’m all for tolerance.

MEL:
MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR.

JEZ:
Exactly. Derrick, If NIGHT CHILD goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

DER:
I must, must be played by Zachary Quinto.

JEZ:
Mmmm. Okay, I won’t argue that. [WIPES DROOL FROM MOUTH] What about Tess?

DER:
Tess could be played by Lauren Ambrose.

JEZ:
Nice. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

DER:
The necromancers in NIGHT CHILD can use necroid materia to take apart matter at the molecular level. If I had those kinds of powers, I’d make all of my ex-boyfriends disintegrate. Slowly. While I ate popcorn and watched.

JEZ:
Bless me, I love it. Sweetie, hang out after the show’s done. We must, must, must hit the bar and continue chatting about what you would, er, hypothetically do if you were evil. [ASIDE] Mel, get the contract paperwork started.

MEL:
[DASHES OFF TO PRINT OFF COPIES OF MAMA JEZZIE’S SOUL SIGN-AWAY]

Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the sexy sidekick of Jes Battis’s novel, NIGHT CHILD…Derrick!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Derrick. But it is his Dear Creator, Jes Battis. Um, maybe. It’s all I could find online. Mysterious, ain’t he?]

You can buy NIGHT CHILD at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Hey, I love your POLKA WILL NEVER DIE t-shirt! Looks like you knew about our next guest, huh?

MEL:
[GRINS] THE CAT’S OUT OF THE BAG.

JEZ:
Indeed! Well then, without further ado…

Our next guest tonight came all the way from Chicago to speak to us. You’ve certainly heard of him, and not just because he’s the only wizard in the phone book. Praised by Publishers Weekly, Booklist, and pretty much everyone in the known universe, Jim Butcher’s DRESDEN FILES continues to hit bestseller lists, as well as dive into roleplaying games and comic books.

Boys and girls, let’s give a standing ovation to Jim Butcher’s trenchcoated protagonist…Harry Dresden!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Harry! Before we get started, first things first: I am a former demon. I’m just a plain ol’ mortal now, complete with a squishy soul. There will be no attempts to slaughter the host.

DRESDEN:
What?

JEZ:
I mean, that would be rude, don’t you think?

DRESDEN:
Yeah, um. I don’t know what you’ve heard about m—

JEZ:
[SMILES SWEETLY] And very bad PR for you. Okay, sweetie?

DRESDEN:
Ah. Sure. Okay. I mean, when in Rome, right?

JEZ:
Exactly! Let’s see. In eight short years, you’ve picked fights with werewolves, vampires, mages, faeries, ghosts, demons, a talk show host, fallen angels…and the list is only getting longer.

DRESDEN:
Hey, that’s not fair.

JEZ:
No?

DRESDEN:
The talk show host started it, not me.

JEZ:
Heh. Of course. You’ve certainly come a long way since you opened up shop as Chicago’s only wizard who advertised in the phone book. Tell me, what’s the hardest part about being a wizard?

DRESDEN:
Public appearances, apparently.

JEZ:
Hah! What about the best part?

DRESDEN:
Well. All the time you get to meet new, um, people?

JEZ:
Loosely speaking, of course. Magic Johnson: false advertising, or was the man truly a wizard on the court?

DRESDEN:
It isn’t Magic’s fault that he played in LA, not Chicago. And that he wasn’t Michael Jordan. Jordan, now there’s a freaking mystery.

JEZ:
Do tell.

DRESDEN:
I never did figure out how he did that stuff without being an immortal or making a bargain with dark powers. Uh, no offense meant.

JEZ:
None taken. You started off not having any family when the DRESDEN FILES kicked off, and now you have a half-brother, a place in the Carpenter household, and an omniscient entity with a penchant for kitties who considers you someone dear. So, is family all it’s cracked up to be?

DRESDEN:
It’s freaking complicated, is what it is. There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more . . . secure.

JEZ:
[ARCHES EYEBROW] Sounds like family is really just collateral that can be used against you.

DRESDEN:
Not by anything that likes having entrails instead of extrails.

JEZ:
Ooh, I love it when you get all menacing! [FANS SELF]

DRESDEN:
[BLUSHES]

JEZ:
You’ve fought side by side with Knights of the Cross. You’ve seen ghosts in action. You’ve had brushes with divine entities. What’s your theory on the afterlife? Or are you more of a Live For the Now sort of fellow?

DRESDEN:
Are you kidding me? Like the world isn’t big and complicated enough all by itself?

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES] No, really. Fess up.

DRESDEN:
Maybe I just have a limited attention span, but life is keeping me pretty busy. I’m going to be dead a lot longer than I’m alive. Plenty of time to figure out the afterlife then.

MEL:
WHY DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW?

JEZ:
That’s our Harry: always practical. Why do you think everyone from fallen angels to the Winter Queen wants to claim your soul? Is it just an Evil Overlord thing, or do you think there’s something special about your particular soul that makes all the uberpowerful entities go “Oooh, yum”?

DRESDEN:
Nah. Every soul is special. They’re all beautiful. They’re all far more significant than anyone on this rock realizes. I think when people are at their best, they’re acting in accordance with their soul.

JEZ:
What about serial killers, or thieves, or politicians?

DRESDEN:
The ones who have gone bad don’t have bad souls. They’ve just given up on keeping in touch with them.

JEZ:
Aw. You sound like a romantic. So what is it about your soul that attracts the big bad entities to it, and you?

DRESDEN:
Truth be told, I don’t think those entities can really put a claim on anyone’s soul.

JEZ:
[SMILES] Aren’t you just the cutest thing?

DRESDEN:
Maybe they all just have big holes in them where a soul should be, and think that they can somehow fit mine in, like swapping out an old alternator or something.

JEZ:
Maybe. I guess we’ll have to keep reading the series to find out more. Speaking of the books, sex magic comes up in STORM FRONT. Tell us true, Harry: is the nookie mojo the real reason you decided to become a wizard?

DRESDEN:
Um. No.

JEZ:
Really? So why did you advertise about being a wizard?

DRESDEN:
I mostly did that because, you know, I wanted to eat and live in a building and stuff. I mean, that’s why I do it professionally.

JEZ:
But that’s not why you started working with magic?

DRESDEN:
I didn’t have a whole lot of choice in the matter. When the power is in you, it’s in you. I could try to not use it for a few decades until it went away, I guess, but that’d put a serious cramp in my investigating style.

JEZ:
Heh. Yeah, I can see that. Speaking of sex—hey, I may be a former succubus, but I’m not dead—you’ve had a chance to get physical with Susan Rodriguez both when she was human and when she was a vampire. Which was better?

DRESDEN:
[BLUSHES] Uh. It, um. Is it a little warm in here?

JEZ:
Just you blushing, sweetie.

MEL:
SOME LIKE IT HOT.

JEZ:
And then there’s Elaine Mallory. Former…what, sister? Is it true that incest is best?

DRESDEN:
Oh dear God.

JEZ:
What about the fabulous Karrin Murphy? You know that she’s basically perfect for you, right? So what’s keeping you from taking your relationship with her to the next step?

DRESDEN:
Perfect except for the fact that she doesn’t want to be with me. Not . . . [TAKES A DEEP BREATH] Look, it’s complicated. All right?

JEZ:
Fine, fine. And then there’s Anastasia Luccio. [EYES DRESDEN] Really? REALLY?

DRESDEN:
She’s funny. She isn’t threatened by the fact that I’ve got these abilities. She knows the risks of the world I move in. We share some of the same interests. And she likes me. Both of us had kinda been dateless for a while. Like, years. [PAUSES] Her more than me, maybe.

JEZ:
So you go for the older, more experienced sort of woman, is that it?

DRESDEN:
It’s nice to . . . just be with someone. Not alone. We see each other sometimes. We like and respect one another. We don’t ask anything of each other. [GLARES] And why the hell couldn’t you ask me some less personal questions?

JEZ:
But sweetie, where’s the fun in that?

DRESDEN:
[CLENCHES TEETH] Please.

MEL:
THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

JEZ:
Well, since you said “please”… [GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] Let’s talk about Thomas Raith. How does it feel, having a brother who’s more handsome and has far more sexual prowess than you?

DRESDEN:
More . . . ?

JEZ:
Or does that not matter, because of the whole “yeah, but he’s an incubus” thing?

DRESDEN:
Look, it isn’t like anyone’s ever gone out and measured our, uh, prowess.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

DRESDEN:
Okay, granted, for a while there he was getting with more women in a week than I have in my entire life, but quantity isn’t everything.

MEL:
QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY.

JEZ:
Well, that depends…

DRESDEN:
Besides, I wouldn’t trade places with Thomas for the world. Oh sure, his abilities sound great on paper, but when you apply it to real life? It makes for a lot more trouble than anything else. And there’s a price tag. There always is.

JEZ:
This is very true. Okay, monster time! There are three courts of vampires: the White, where all the nookie is; the Red, with beasties that try to pass themselves off as human; and the Black, with…well, yuck. Which court is most terrifying?

DRESDEN:
The White Court. Hands down.

JEZ:
Wow. I wouldn’t have picked that one.

DRESDEN:
They aren’t the real heavyweights in a fight, but . . . Hell’s bells, you should see what they can do to people.

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

DRESDEN:
A Black Court vampire might kill you. A Red Court vampire might drink some of your blood, maybe even turn you into one of them. But the White Court… they eat you alive. One bite at a time, until they hollow you out, leave a pretty shell and blank eyes with nothing inside it. They can get into your head, make you think things, feel things, do things. With the other vamps, at least you get to feel afraid. With the Whites, you feel what they want you to feel. Let them in, and they can change who you are. That’s scary.

JEZ:
Yeah, it is. [PAUSES] So what the Hell were you thinking, starting a freaking war with the Red Court?

DRESDEN:
What can I tell you, Jez? They had my girl. I took her back. I’d do it again.

JEZ:
[NODS] Good. Let’s see. You’ve had your fair share of evil in your life. No wonder I find you so damn attractive.

DRESDEN:
[BLUSHES]

JEZ:
And it all started when you killed your mentor, Justin DuMorne. Was that an Oedipus fantasy come to life, or was there more to it than that?

DRESDEN:
Self defense.

MEL:
THAT’S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

DRESDEN:
I don’t know what he had in mind for me, exactly, but I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life playing his version of Mister Hendricks. I refused to let him do that to me. He had no intention of letting me go my own way.

JEZ:
So you decided to kill him? Kudos on the permanent solution!

DRESDEN:
If I hadn’t killed him, Justin would have killed me. At the end of the day, that’s all there is to it.

JEZ:
Gotcha. What about Bob? And no, I don’t mean the movie. Is he your assistant? Slave? Tool? Friend?

DRESDEN:
Bob the Skull is . . . friend probably isn’t the right word. He’s a spirit of intellect. He’s never had things like a body, or a metabolism, or a conscience. I mean, there’s a limited amount of empathy he can have for a mortal meat sack like me. And I’m just one more wizard in a long line of them that he’s worked with.

JEZ:
“Mortal meat sack.” Hee, hee, hee…

DRESDEN:
But all that said, I’m his friend, even if he won’t ever understand why. He’s stood by me when I’ve needed him, given me advice, and he’s always honest. That’s a hell of a rare thing.

JEZ:
So along with keeping him eye-socket-deep in romance novels—good man, by the way—if he needed help, you would drop everything to help him?

DRESDEN:
[NODS] Bob is family. What I said before, regarding entrails.

JEZ:
Excellent. What’s better: sex or chocolate?

DRESDEN:
Depends on your viewpoint, I guess. Chocolate is a hell of a lot easier to market. And get.

JEZ:
Aw, poor sweetie. I could, you know, help you in that regard…

DRESDEN:
[QUICKLY] On the other hand, I’ve gone a while without chocolate before and managed just fine. You go short of sex and you kind of notice.

JEZ:
You’ve had your fair share of pain, haven’t you? Growing up with Justin Dumorne…learning the truth about Ebenezar McCoy’s role in the White Council…losing Susan to the vampires. Is it true that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Or is that basically [BLEEP], and pain really and truly sucks? Or do you think there’s a Grand Plan at work?

DRESDEN:
Pain is a byproduct of life. That’s the truth. Life sometimes sucks. That’s true for everyone. But if you don’t face the pain and the suck, you don’t ever get the other things either. Laughter. Joy. Love. Pain passes, but those things are worth fighting for. Worth dying for.

JEZ:
Spoken like a true hero. Don’t worry. I won’t hold that against you.

DRESDEN:
I don’t know about a Grand Plan. I’m pretty sure that there might be some Grand Intentions. But we know all about good intentions.

JEZ:
Heh. Yeah, we do.

DRESDEN:
I think there’s more out there than we can easily see or understand. And I think that at least some of whatever’s out there is on our side. And I know damned well that some of it isn’t.

JEZ:
Oh yeah. Absolutely. And I in no way, shape, or form am referring to me. Promise.

DRESDEN:
I’m sure there’s an Almighty out there somewhere. I just have got less of a clue than ever about what the Almighty might be like.

JEZ:
He’s a quiet one, that’s for sure. You live with Mister, the tom of all tom cats, and Mouse, the silent but studly super dog. Dogs and cats, living together. Does this mean that human sacrifice and mass hysteria come next?

DRESDEN:
Not in my town.

JEZ:
See, this is why you don’t live in New York City. Moving on.…You’ve survived some pretty terrifying things—wrath of fae queens, power-hungry necromancers, rabid FBI agents, more vampires than you can shake a blood bank at, fallen angels clamoring for your immortal soul. You still owe a favor to the Queen of Air and Darkness. And perhaps worst of all, you have a teenager as an apprentice. Really, Harry…does your Dear Creator hate you?

DRESDEN:
Somebody does. Or somebody’s having one hell of a good time at my expense. I’m not sure which.

JEZ:
So, in any of the DRESDEN FILES series, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jim, dude, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

DRESDEN:
Oh, that nutball. The one having a good laugh at my expense. If you see him, would you let me know? I’m going to punch him in the nose.

JEZ:
You bet. If you had your way, what would you change about any of the DRESDEN FILES books?

DRESDEN:
I’m not sure. Maybe I’d go get myself a cool hat, like everyone keeps expecting me to have.

JEZ:
Probably due to the awesomely cool covers on your hardcover books.

DRESDEN:
[SHRUGS] I’ve got an overly large head, apparently. It’s hard to find hats that fit.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

DRESDEN:
I’d like everyone to see the result when they turned away and did nothing. People have a stunning ability to pretend that things don’t exist if they can look somewhere else.

JEZ:
[NODS] They do indeed.

DRESDEN:
I think if more folks had to own up to what they were busy denying, we might have made the world a nicer place by now. Or, hell, at least a little cleaner.

JEZ:
Word association time! Tell us the first thing that pops into your mind when I say…Fairy godmother.

DRESDEN:
Popsicle.

JEZ:
Pizzeria Uno.

DRESDEN:
Bribe money.

JEZ:
Senior Council.

DRESDEN:
The Godfather.

JEZ:
The SciFi Channel.

DRESDEN:
There’s a SciFi Channel?

JEZ:
Heh. Nice reissued covers for your series. Love the trench coat. So seriously now, are you going to start wearing a hat?

DRESDEN:
Like I said, maybe I should. I mean, it worked for Indy, right? You could tell when he was in really serious danger. The hat would come off.

JEZ:
Damn straight. And he always got it back. Quick: deathmatch between Johnny Marcone and Kincaid. Who wins?

DRESDEN:
With my luck? Marcone pays Kincaid off, and they both come after me.

JEZ:
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

MEL:
MAKE YOUR OWN LUCK.

JEZ:
The Black Council: serious threat from evil wizards, or a red herring? What do you really think your Creator is up to?

DRESDEN:
“Red herring.” Gosh, that would be nice. Nah, they’re real. And I suspect that at least some of them are people I already know.

JEZ:
Yikes. That sucks. Let’s switch gears. What’s your romantic fantasy? [WAGGLES EYEBROWS] You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

DRESDEN:
Um. Yeah. Really, really warm in here. Could you just stop with the crossing of the legs, please?

JEZ:
Heh, heh, heh…Finally, if you could be evil for one day—you, not an evil entity pretending to be you just to destroy all those you hold dear—what would you use your powers for?

DRESDEN:
If I was really evil? I’d stay home.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] For real?

DRESDEN:
I’d figure out a good way to have a TV and hot showers. Lie to girls to get them to sleep with me. Ignore everyone’s problems that didn’t somehow benefit me by being solved. Ignore my responsibilities. [PAUSES] Evil’s about which way you’re focused.

JEZ:
Hmm. I hadn’t really thought about it like that before.

DRESDEN:
The worst people you run into never really think that they’re evil.

JEZ:
True.

DRESDEN:
They tell themselves that they’re doing what is necessary, or making hard choices, or whatever the hell justification they have for doing what they do. Or they’re just broken, somehow. They just never work out that other people are real, not just cardboard cut-outs to be played with.

JEZ:
Trust me when I say that actions speak louder than words. Everyone gets what’s coming to them in the end.

DRESDEN:
Evil isn’t the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it’s a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference.

JEZ:
Sign me up, Harry. Stupidity isn’t a sin, but it should be. And I’m not just saying that because you’re sexy and powerful and the thing of which dreams are made. Thank you so much for being here. Is there anything I can do for you before you go? [MEANINGFUL PAUSE] Anything at all?

DRESDEN:
Well, now that you mention it… can you validate parking? Because I’m… sort of between paychecks at the moment.

JEZ:
Heh. You bet, sweetie. You bet.

Once again, a huge round of applause for Chicago’s only wizard in the book, the star of Jim Butcher’s DRESDEN FILES…Harry Dresden!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Harry Dresden. But it is his Dear Creator, Jim Butcher.]

The DRESDEN FILES include:

STORM FRONT
FOOL MOON
GRAVE PERIL
SUMMER KNIGHT
DEATH MASKS
BLOOD RITES
DEAD BEAT
PROVEN GUILTY
WHITE NIGHT
SMALL FAVOR

You can get the books in the DRESDEN FILES at Mysterious Galaxy, Flights of Fantasy, Barnes and Noble, Borders, Amazon, and…well, as Harry would say, hell’s bells, anywhere books are sold.

And don’t forget about BACKUP, Thomas’s novelette, coming out in October 2008, and WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, the first story arc in the comic book prequel for the DRESDEN FILES.

There are also the Omnibus editions, including WIZARD FOR HIRE, WIZARD BY TRADE, WIZARD AT LARGE, and WIZARD UNDER FIRE. I have no idea where these are available, but Wikipedia says they’re out there.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest’s Creator, Charles Stross, has been touted as being part of a new generation of British authors who write hard science fiction and space opera. He’s also a multiple award winner, including the Hugo in 2005 and the 2007 Locus Award for best novella. Along with numerous nominations and placing in the final rounds for the Nebula and the John W. Campbell Memorial Award, Charlie recently received the Edward E. Smith Memorial Award at Boskone 2008. The New York Times says that Charlie is “peerless at dreaming up devices that could conceivably exist in 6, 60, or 600 years’ time,” and SF Revu says “Charles Stross may be the science fiction field’s most exciting writer.”

As incredibly impressive as that is, we know Charlie wouldn’t be anywhere without his fabulous characters. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to introduce the star of Charles Stross’s latest novel, SATURN’S CHILDREN…Freya Nakamichi!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Freya!

FREYA:
Hi, Jez! I’m so pleased to be here!

JEZ:
So you’re a model-47 femmebot, designed by Nakamichi Heavy Industries. Do you have any spiffy femmebot powers?

FREYA:
[NODS] I never have a coordination problem, because I can change my skin and hair, color and texture, at will. I can even change my body shape, given a head start and a good reason. And, being artificial, I don’t need a silly old-fashioned space suit.

MEL:
THE CLOTHING MAKES THE MAN.

JEZ:
Or, in this case, femmebot. Ooh, the power of fashion! Is there anything you wouldn’t be caught dead in?

FREYA:
Clothing that talks back to me.

JEZ:
Seriously?

FREYA:
I hate that stuff. I once had to go to a posh party, so I rented this gown. And would you believe it started telling me off the morning after?

JEZ:
Ouch.

FREYA:
So what if I was a couple of hours late taking it back to the shop? [GROWLS] I HATE clothing that talks back!

JEZ:
But other than the occasional snarky accessory, it sounds like it’s pretty sweet being you. Or is there something that’s not so great?

FREYA:
I…Um, this is hard to admit.

JEZ:
We’re here for you, Freya. Just speak clearly into the mike.

FREYA:
[SIGHS] I’m obsolete.

JEZ:
Whoa.

FREYA:
The thing is, my template was trained to be a grande horizontale, but I’m a late model—I came off the production line the year after my One True Love’s species was declared extinct.

JEZ:
Huh. So there’s no such thing as a one true love anymore? Romance readers everywhere are going to lead the revolution, you know.

FREYA:
To make matters worse, body fashion changed.

JEZ:
Body fashion?

FREYA:
These days, all the important people are about eighty centimeters tall and have giant heads and big glistening eyes.

JEZ:
Considering you look like a human female, that’s got to suck.

FREYA:
Twice as tall as everybody else, with a small head and close-set, tiny, dark eyes. [SIGHS] I get really tired of munchkins following me down the street, shouting “Ogre!”

JEZ:
Okay, happier topics. SATURN’S CHILDREN is about how you got out from under the shadow of your elder sisters…

FREYA:
My insane, murderous elder sisters.

JEZ:
…and found true love.

FREYA:
True satisfaction!

JEZ:
Heh. So what’s the worst part of the story for you?

FREYA:
Space travel.

JEZ:
See, I would have gone with the insane, murderous sisters.

MEL:
[NODS] BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.

FREYA:
Space travel is utter [BLEEP], and I had to do lots of it! One of the journeys took nearly five years, and because I’m not human, they couldn’t even sedate me!

JEZ:
So you’re saying it’s boring.

FREYA:
You want to know how bad space travel is? Imagine spending five years in a straitjacket tied to the outside of a skyscraper—that’s your typical spaceship—with only a couple of dozen lunatics for company.

JEZ:
Huh.

FREYA:
Even with slowtime, it’s going to feel like months. You’re wearing a blindfold, which is probably appropriate because every couple of days, just to break the monotony, a not-very-accurate cosmic sniper fires a random shot at the building.

JEZ:
Wow.

FREYA:
Of course, that’s nothing compared to interstellar travel, where they freeze you and chop off your limbs to save weight—and grow you new ones at the other end IF you arrive sufficiently intact after decades and centuries in the vasty deep.

JEZ:
So space travel sucks. What’s the best thing that happens to you in the book?

FREYA:
I made it onto a starship.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] You’re [BLEEP] with me, aren’t you?

FREYA:
And I made enough money along the way that I could even pay to take my arms and legs with me!

JEZ:
[SNORTS] Okay then…let’s talk about sex.

FREYA:
As a model-47 femmebot, I am proficient in all traditional sexual positions, and quite a few that would be fatal to an unmodified human.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

FREYA:
It’s my job, after all!

JEZ:
So you’re a robotic…blow-up doll? Call girl? Bless me, that’s awesome.

FREYA:
Shame I don’t get much call for it these days.

JEZ:
Right, because you’re obsolete. Ouch. That sounds pretty lousy.

FREYA:
And I have nightmares about meeting my One True Love.

JEZ:
Oh?

FREYA:
I’m sort of designed to fall for him. Hard. Luckily—or unluckily—his species has been extinct for nearly two centuries, so I still have free will. It’s very frustrating!

JEZ:
Poor sweetie. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

FREYA:
That’s easy: sex! Chocolate is a greasy mixture of long-chain fatty acids spiked with xanthine alkaloids. I can digest it, and I can tune my taste subsystem to appreciate it, but why bother when you can get the energy from neat methanol instead? But sex is SPECIAL.

JEZ:
Bless me, that might be the best answer I’ve ever gotten on that question. So, in SATURN’S CHILDREN, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Charlie, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

FREYA:
I hate him! I wanted to scream at him to leave me alone—preferably with that hunky gigolo bot my elder sister travels with—instead of sending dwarf space ninja assassins to kill me and messing with my sex life.

JEZ:
Yeah, Creators seem to have it in for us. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]

FREYA:
But you know what’s worst? He called me a vacuous tart!!!

JEZ:
That bastard. If you had your way, what would you change about SATURN’S CHILDREN?

FREYA:
I’d make it a happy, fun romance in which nobody is killed and I don’t have to travel anywhere unpleasant and I find, if not True Love, then at least a medium-sized brothel full of under-utilized gigolo-bots.

JEZ:
Can you give me a hallelujah?

FREYA:
And I’d ditch the politics and all those annoying lectures. I just want to have fun, basically.

MEL:
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN.

JEZ:
If you could make Charlie do anything, what would it be?

FREYA:
Suffer!!!

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING, AGAIN]

FREYA:
That’s for calling me a vacuous tart.

JEZ:
If SATURN’S CHILDREN goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

FREYA:
What’s Hollywood? Is that somewhere on Earth?

JEZ:
Heh. Never mind. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

FREYA:
That’s easy! I’d be just like my elder sisters! [SHUDDERS]

MEL:
WE ARE FAMILY. I’VE GOT ALL MY SISTERS AND ME.

JEZ:
Boys and girls, give another round of applause for the star of Charlie Stross’s latest novel, SATURN’S CHILDREN…Freya Nakamichi!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, I promise, this isn’t Freya. But it is her Dear Creator, Charlie Stross.]

SATURN’S CHILDREN is available at Barnes & Noble, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Today’s guest knows all about the power of feminine wiles, and isn’t afraid to use them. She’s a sexual creature, she’s powerful, and she’s unapologetic. Can you give me a huzzah?

MEL:
I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR.

JEZ:
Damn straight. Publishers Weekly calls the Sisters of the Moon series “engrossing.” Romantic Times calls it “Vivid, sexy, and mesmerizing.” And Booklist praises the “well-crafted fantasy” and the “great character chemistry.” [GRINS] Fantasy and chemistry—two of my favorite subjects.

Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to one of the three lovely D’Artigo sisters…star of USA Today bestselling author Yasmine Galenorn’s WITCHLING and DRAGON WYTCH…Camille!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Camille!

CAMILLE:
Thanks for having me! Well, you haven’t had me, but hey, the night’s young.

JEZ:
[GRINS] Oh, sweetie, this is going to be a great interview.

CAM:
I was really excited when you asked me to be here–so often it’s Yasmine who gets interviewed. About time one of us got our say!

JEZ:
Hey, that’s why Cat and Muse is here. We know that without us, our Dear Creators would all be washing dishes for a living. Before we start, I have to say, you look delicious. I adore your clothes! Black chiffon long skirt, plum-colored bustier…oh, those spiked heels…

CAMILLE:
I’m a gurly gurl, you know. Makeup, dresses, skirts, and hey—when you’ve got boobs like mine, they’re not going to just disappear so you might as well flaunt them. [GRINS] I could outfit a fetish club.

JEZ:
Bless me, I think I’m in love. So, for those readers new to the Otherworld, give us a run-down.

CAM:
Hmmm… [CLEARS THROAT, HUMS] “In the fourth book of Otherworld, the author gave to us: three sisters fighting demons, the third spirit seal discovered, three Fae Queens rising, a bunch of nasty goblins, two dubba-trolls, one unicorn bearing gifts, and a gorgeous dragon dude!”

How’s that?

JEZ:
[APPLAUDS]

MEL:
ENCORE! ENCORE!

JEZ:
Let’s see. [READS CUE CARDS] Says here that the Otherworld Intelligence Agency sent you and your sisters Earthside to keep you out of trouble. How’s that working out for you?

CAM:
[SNORTS] Because of that, we’ve ended up being the vanguards against the demon menace!

JEZ:
Heh. “Demon menace.” I want that on a tee-shirt.

CAM:
[LAUGHS] Really, my sisters and I are Murphy’s Law in action.

JEZ:
What’s the worst thing that happens in DRAGON WYTCH?

CAM:
Let’s just say we don’t always come out on top in a battle.

JEZ:
And you’re not referring to a battle in bed.

CAM:
[CHUCKLES] Things have been heating up with the demon lord Shadow Wing. Between you and me, I think he’s realized that—even if we don’t have anywhere near the firepower he does, we’re a definite a thorn in his side. And he doesn’t like thorns. And in DRAGON WYTCH, we find out just how much he doesn’t like thorns.

JEZ:
Ouch.

MEL:
EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN.

CAM:
And then there’s the question of Morgana and Titania and this Aeval—and what the hell they’re up to.

JEZ:
Again, ouch.

CAM:
Oh, and did I mention the demon Karvanak?

JEZ:
Um, nope.

CAM:
[SIGHS] There’s a lot going on right now, and it’s giving me a real headache.

JEZ:
Wow, that’s a lot to deal with, sweetie. Is everything all doom and gloom? Or is there anything salvageable about the situation?

CAM:
[SIGHS HAPPILY] Smoky.

JEZ:
Smoky?

CAM:
Think 6’4”, long, muscled but lean, silver hair down to his ankles and, oh Mama, that hair has a life of its own—trust me on that one.

JEZ:
Ooh.

CAM:
Smoky’s an icy cold drink on a hot, hot day…makes you just want to press up against him while the sweat trickles down between your breasts…and he’s got the biggest—oh! [GRINS] Let me just say he’s well endowed.

JEZ:
Ooh!

CAM:
I knew when I looked in those giant eyes and he huffed smoke on me back in WITCHLING that Smoky and I were bound to cross paths. And boy, do we cross paths. And legs. And arms…and everything else we can. [FANS SELF]

JEZ:
Mel! Cue music!

MEL:
[BREAKS OUT A BARRY WHITE CD]

CAM:
I admit, the thought of taking a dragon for a lover was freaky at first, but I’ve been with stranger men.

JEZ:
Like? Com on, details!

CAM:
Morio isn’t really human, especially in his demonic form.

JEZ:
Demons can be the best lovers. Trust me. [WINKS] What about Trillian? Is he the vanilla in your little sex Neapolitan?

CAM:
[LAUGHS] While Trillian’s all Svartan, he’s got his own quirks. Of course, Trillian’s not all that happy about the fact that Smoky and I get it on, but that’s just because he’s not in control of the situation, not because of the sex.

JEZ:
Heh. Of course.

CAM:
But he’s got nothing to worry about. He knew I wasn’t a one-man woman from the start. We may be linked by a sex ritual that’s as old as the hills, and we’re bound in our passion forever, but we both agree—other partners are fine, as long as he remains my alpha lover and I remain his.

JEZ:
Bless me, you truly get to have your cake and eat it too. That’s brilliant. I want to be you when I grow up.

CAM:
It’s all good. After all, the Fae aren’t normally monogamous, and I take after my father’s blood rather than my mother’s in that respect.

JEZ:
Okay, spill. You and…well, your love interest. Who’s on top?

CAM:
WHICH love interest?

JEZ:
Let’s start with Trillian.

CAM:
[SIGHS] I wish my sisters would get over the fact that he’s Svartan. True,