[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
I have been angling to get our next guests here for years. YEARS. Why? Bless me, they’re every former succubus’s wildest dream, that’s why! One is half-human, half-monster, and all attitude — his knife is his security blanket, and he boinks a homicidal werewolf when he’s frustrated. The other…well, as for him, I don’t know which is more impressive: his body count or the notches on his belt. [FANS SELF]

In a four-star review of ROADKILL, RT declares: “Thurman is a master at delivering raw emotion and uncompromising danger spiced with just the right touch of sarcastic humor. Unforgettable!”

Bless me, the Leandros brothers are unforgettable, all right! Not to mention that delicious puck! Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to two of the stars of Rob Thurman’s latest book in the Cal Leandros series, ROADKILL …Cal Leandros and Robin Goodfellow!

[APPLAUSE]

Hellllllllllllllo, boys!

ROBIN:
Oh, I’m a delicious puck all right. I have references [FLASHES BLINDING GRIN]. Would the first 300,000 be enough? And hello back…or front. I’m all kinds of adaptable.

JEZ:
This is going to be a terrific interview.

CAL:
Christ, why in the hell did I agree to this?

JEZ:
[WAGGLES EYEBROWS] My female wiles.

CAL:
Yeah. Hello. Please don’t screw in front of me.

JEZ:
[LEANS FORWARD] Sweetie, I’m a team player. Want to take one for the team?

CAL:
Can I get a beer? A keg? Something?!

JEZ:
Hee. Definitely a terrific interview! Now, I’m happy to just sit and stare at the pair of you — well, no, I’d be happier doing much more physical things with the pair of you, either individually or simultaneously — but our viewers should probably learn a thing or two about your latest escapades. So tell me, boys: what’s the hook for ROADKILL?

ROBIN:
That’s beyond simple. I’m in it.

CAL:
Dude, the series is called The Cal Leandros Novels, not The Horny, Motor-mouth Puck Series. My series, my book.

ROBIN:
Do you have an amazing body? Did you party with Bacchus, Cleopatra, Alexander the Great, and Caligula? Are you so well-endowed that when you walk the street you need a car with sirens in front of and behind you to warn the populace at large?

JEZ:
Bless me, I think I just wet my panties.

CAL:
I have this. [PULLS OUT DESERT EAGLE FROM SHOULDER HOLSTER] And a brother who will kick your ass.

ROBIN:
[GRINS] A hot brother who can do whatever he wants to my ass.

CAL:
A hot brother who…shut up! This is my series, my book, now let me answer the goddamn question.

ROBIN:
[MIMES ZIPPING HIS MOUTH CLOSED]

CAL:
[TO JEZ:] The book features an anti-healer called the Plague of the World, and he makes Stephen King’s flu that wiped out most of humanity in the Stand look like [BLEEP] hay fever. [BLINKS] Did I…was I just [BLEEP] BLEEPED?

JEZ:
[SHRUGS] Sorry, sweetie. If you want, we can do things to fill the seven-second delay…

CAL:
Man, this is going to be one [BLEEP] [BLEEP] filled show. My ears hurt already. [GLANCES AT MEL] Can I get some Tylenol with that goddamn beer?!

MEL:
WHAT’S THE MAGIC WORD?

CAL:
[BLEEP] me. [SIGHS] Yeah, killer diseases wherever you look in this book.

JEZ:
Ugh, plagues. [SHUDDERS] Nasty stuff.

ROBIN:
[UNDER HIS BREATH] Four hot guys packed in a car chasing down a bad guy.

JEZ:
Mel, you remember what the Black Plague did to Europe?

MEL:
[NODS] RING AROUND THE ROSY.

ROBIN:
[LOUDER] Four hot guys packed in a car chasing down a bad guy.

JEZ:
[TO ROBIN] Say what now?

ROBIN:
Four hot guys. Packed in a car. Driving across country. [ELBOWS CAL] You suck quite egregiously at marketing. Which is precisely why I came along. [GRINS AT JEZEBEL] This one is so vanilla, you could serve him up in a waffle cone. It’s pathetic.

JEZ:
Sweetie, I loooooooove vanilla. It’s lickably good. Especially with chocolate syrup dribbled just over his—

CAL:
HEY!!! Isn’t there another question?

JEZ:
Of course. [CLEARS THROAT] What’s the worst thing about your situation in the book?

CAL:
[GLARES AT ROBIN] Four guys. Packed in a car. Driving across country.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

CAL:
And being at the mercy of a killer who could drop us before we ever even saw him. The fact that I almost died twice wasn’t a high point, either.

ROBIN:
Please. Like you don’t almost die every time we turn around. Then Niko worries over you, goes into blond ninja/samurai mode to protect you. [IN GROWLY BARITONE] “Hurt my brother and I’ll take your head with my katana. Die, you malevolent bastard. Die. I am Inigo Montoya. You stepped on my brother’s pinky toe. Prepare to die.”

JEZ:
[ROLLS ON THE FLOOR, HELPLESS WITH MIRTH]

ROBIN:
Bromance to the max. You could slip in the pools of angst lying about and throw your back out. Literally. I have a chiropractor on call 24/7.

JEZ:
[SITS BACK ON CHAIR] Bless me, I think I’m in love. Serious, sweaty, angsty love.

MEL:
ON WITH THE SHOW.

JEZ:
All right, all right. [READS CUE CARD] Gentlemen, what’s the best thing about your situation?

CAL AND ROBIN:
Salome.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] The mummified dead cat?

CAL:
Hey, when that mummified dead cat has the highest body count in one chapter, props to her wrinkly ass.

ROBIN:
I named her after the Biblical Salome. She was a bit of a bitch, too.

JEZ:
[NODS] Oh, totally.

ROBIN:
“I want John the Baptist’s head on a platter. Bring me John the Baptist’s head on a platter. Where’s that platter?” [SNORTS] I offered her my [BLEEP] on a platter, still attached of course, but was that good enough? Nooooo.

CAL:
Dude, they just bleeped your [BLEEP].

JEZ:
Yeah, my Dear Creator is a bit of a prude. You’d never know it from the stuff she writes. What’s your standard outfit?

CAL:
Jeans, black jacket…even in the summer, which is a bitch. But I have lots of guns and knives and the occasional grenade to cover up. And an antisocial T-shirt that lets people know I’m badass, sarcastic, and not to be [BLEEP] with. The clothes save on conversation that might lead me to beating the [BLEEP] out of someone.

JEZ:
Aw. Don’t you like body language?

CAL:
I find conversation of any kind fairly boring unless weapons are involved. I like weapons and I really like using them. A lot. I blame my inner rage on—

ROBIN:
On being half monster. Blah blah. “Woe is me. I’m half of a creature so murderous that it wiped out the dinosaurs, not a meteor.” [SIGHS] We get it. You have random fits of homicidal rage, which makes you oddly more attractive to the younger crowd.

JEZ:
And the older crowd. Yum.

ROBIN:
You’re a lost soul touched with an inner shadow walking a dark road, your sarcasm a defense against your almost hidden vulnerability. [PAUSES] Damn, that does make you hot.

JEZ:
Very. Very. Hot.

CAL:
[GRITS] I am so glad I stab you with a fork in Book Six. So, so glad.

JEZ:
Ooh! Mel, prep the Spoilalert!

ROBIN:
Er. Where were we? Ah, right. Clothing. If it’s not Armani or Italian, then I don’t wear it. Although back in the day, I knew how to wear a toga. [GRINS] I also knew how to wear an oiled up Spartan, but that’s a different story.

JEZ:
Robin Goodfellow, stick around after the show, and then prepare to tell me that story. [SMILES] With pictures. Meanwhile, what wouldn’t you be caught dead in?

ROBIN:
Anything Caliban here would wear.

JEZ:
Cal, put the knife down. Boys, tell me one ridiculous thing about your situation.

CAL:
[WAVES HAND AT ROBIN] All yours.

ROBIN:
[CLEARS THROAT] I may have certain…issues regarding my pansexual state.

JEZ:
Issues?

ROBIN:
Should I try monogamy, as ludicrous and against man-and-nature as that seems?

JEZ:
That’s easy. Hell, no.

ROBIN:
Somehow or another, and I must keep the details sparse as his brother is all noble…

JEZ:
And hot.

ROBIN:
And hot…and private…and sexy as Hades…

JEZ:
[TO MEL] Mel, make sure to book Niko on a show. In private.

ROBIN:
If I spill any real details, he will hunt me down and de-puckify me.

JEZ:
I think you’re exaggerating.

CAL:
[SHAKES HEAD SLOWLY]

ROBIN:
Let us just say one night in a motel sharing a room with me ended up with Niko locked in the bathroom, dagger wedging the door shut. I had to settle for unrequited sleep, although with excellent dreams…you know the kind I mean. [WINKS]

JEZ:
Yum!

ROBIN:
I had to tip the maid extra for the condition of the sheets the next day.

JEZ:
I bet. Okay, Calicious. This one’s for you. When it’s you and your werewolf girl, Delilah, getting frisky, who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

CAL:
Any way I can get it, I’m happy as….

ROBIN:
[SIGHS LOUDLY] Yes, yes. You’re half monster. Again, we’ve heard this. You can’t risk bringing another like you into the world, and apparently you think your sperm is armor-piercing as you trust no condom. So you had to find someone unable to have children. You very much lucked into a werewolf with a hysterectomy. Talk about putting Match dot Com through its paces.

CAL:
[IGNORES ROBIN] But as she’s a werewolf, doggy style is out. That takes it to a weird place. And she’s a friend with benefits. When you have a friend with benefits who’s in the werewolf mafia and as soon kill you as get a manicure, most positions are back to the wall, eyes on the claws.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] Oh, Caliban. The things I could do with you…What’s your romantic fantasy?

CAL:
[LOOKS DOWN, MUMBLES SOMETHING INDECIPHERABLE]

ROBIN:
Something something true love something something. [GRINS] I never should’ve made him watch Princess Bride, but Cary Elwes was in his prime.

JEZ:
Mmmm. Cary Elwes.

MEL:
AS YOU WISH.

JEZ:
So Robin, how about it? What’s a puck’s romantic fantasy?

ROBIN:
Mine would be…hmmm, done orgies, done identical twins, done identical triplets, done it with a centaur…that’s called barebucking, if you’re curious.

JEZ:
Good to know.

ROBIN:
My fantasy right now is having sex while flying.

MEL:
LEAVING ON A JET PLANE?

ROBIN:
[SMILES WISTFULLY] I have a thing with a retired angel named Ishiah. Sex up in the night sky, wings, feathers, stars.

JEZ AND MEL:
[SIGHS DREAMILY]

ROBIN:
Zeus, I’m pathetic. My penis will disown me. It’s the orgy scenario, I swear. Five men, five women and a vat full of honey. Brazilian waxes all around for obvious reasons.

JEZ:
Heh. Don’t worry, sweetie. We won’t tell anyone that you’re a romantic. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

CAL:
I can’t have both? Goddamn it. I swear the universe plots to ruin my good time. [BLEEP] [BLEEP] universe.

ROBIN:
There’s this tiny Swiss store…it makes Chocolate Bunnies…and not the kind that go in Easter baskets. They’re sex dolls made out of chocolate.

JEZ:
[SWALLOWS THICKLY] You’re joking. You’re just being mean to a former demon.

ROBIN:
Dark, milk, white, even mint…now the mint can sting somewhat, but to get your true perv on, one must suffer for the art.

JEZ:
Naughty chocolate? Oh sweet Sin…the things you and I could do with that chocolate…

JACKIE:
[OFF CAMERA] For [BLEEP] sake, Jezebel, stick to the damn script!

MEL:
[SIGHS] AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR.

JEZ:
Ah, ignore her. Kessler’s just uptight because she’s got another Hell short story to write, and it’s not about me. So, in ROADKILL, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Rob, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

CAL:
I don’t want to talk about it…but it involved Goodfellow being nude.

ROBIN:
I really do not want to talk about it…but it involved a Walmart. My nudity, however, was the high point.

JEZ:
If ever there were a reason to buy ROADKILL, that’s it. If you could make Rob do anything, what would it be?

CAL:
Live ten pages of the [BLEEP] she puts me through.

JEZ:
I take it she gets under your skin?

CAL:
I’m dark, I’m brooding, I’m sarcastic, I’m broken…I have “Save me” written all over me. Women mail me their underwear. I have invitations for threesomes with me and my brother. I have female artists mailing me pictures of what they think I look like nude. I’m stuck in a book! I can’t hit any of that! That’s pure [BLEEP] evil!

JEZ:
As one fictional character to another, sweetie, I’m thrilled to tell you…and show you…that you have options.

JACKIE:
[OFF CAMERA] JEZEBEL…

JEZ:
[SIGHS] Freaking Creators. God complexes, the lot of them… Boys, tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

ROBIN:
The price of body oils are outrageous.

JEZ:
I know, isn’t it criminal?

ROBIN:
Can we get off the banking/loan problems and have some government intervention with that?

JEZ:
What about you, Calicious? What would you change?

CAL:
Legalize automatic weapons. Do you know how hard it is to take down a Boggle or Troll with a handgun? They’re nine [BLEEP] feet tall!

JEZ:
Heh. If ROADKILL goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

ROBIN:
Clooney.

CAL:
He looks older than you.

ROBIN:
Clooney.

CAL:
Seriously, dude, at least twenty years older than you. He doesn’t have light brown hair or green eyes, either. He doesn’t look remotely like Pan or Puck.

ROBIN:
CLOONEY.

CAL:
Spike? John Barrowman? Stuart Townsend? What about Matthew McConaughey? He never wears a shirt. God knows that’s a philosophy you can embrace.

ROBIN:
Well, maybe…but only if Clooney isn’t available.

CAL:
Delilah could be played by that chick Sierra, Dichen Lachman, of Dollhouse. Blonde, Asian, and kick ass. Or Miho from Sin City could bleach her hair. Miho is…damn. And for me…ummm…I dunno. Can I be a Terminator?

JEZ:
No. Real actor.

CAL:
Hey, how about Joaquin Phoenix? He was [BLEEP] crazy in Gladiator. He’s [BLEEP] crazy in real life. Shave his rabbi beard, stick a wig on him and there you go. If he can do Johnny Cash, he can do anyone.

ROBIN:
As for Niko, your sexy blond brother with the Roman nose, the long braid, the martial arts body, the finely sculpted ass of a….

CAL:
[SLAPS HAND OVER ROBIN’S MOUTH] We’ll skip Niko.

JEZ:
Ooh, a man who knows how to use his hands! Last question: If you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

CAL:
Um…yeah. Did you scan my bio before inviting me?

JEZ:
I did. [PURRS] I loved it.

CAL:
I am sort of evil.

JEZ:
I know.

CAL:
I have an evil power.

JEZ:
[SIGHS DREAMILY] I know.

CAL:
I’ve ripped out Auphe throats with my teeth. Not something you like to explain to your dentist. Maybe you should ask me what I would do if I could be good for one day.

JEZ:
Mmmm. Maybe I should ask you what I could do to you that would feel good all day…

Avid fans, give it up — in every possible way — for two of the stars of Rob Thurman’s latest book, ROADKILL…Cal Leandros and Robin Goodfellow!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Cal and Robin. But it is their Dear Creator, Rob Thurman…possibly with Delilah.]

The Cal Leandros series includes:
NIGHTLIFE
MOONSHINE
MADHOUSE
DEATHWISH
ROADKILL

The Trickster series debuted with TRICK OF THE LIGHT.

And coming soon, an all-new angsty brother sci-fi series kicks off with CHIMERA.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time—love your inner demon.

Well, it’s 2010. And you know what that means. That’s right: Melpomene’s vacation time has kicked in. She’s off on a leave of absence, doing some soul searching — which, by the way, means something entirely different to a former demon — so she won’t be with us for a while. We miss you, Mel!

Our next guest has some thoughts about one-night stands…and most of those thoughts involve words that will get bleeped out. In a 4.5 star review, RT says: “Phoebe, who narrates her tale in the first person, is funny but able to kick butt when it counts, like all Bardsley heroines, so the action and humor are bountiful.” And Bitten By Books offers “kudos and copious amounts of chocolate to Ms. Bardsley for another completely satisfying” read.

Kudos AND chocolate? You know that’s got my attention. Avid fans, give a hotter than hell round of applause to the star of Michele Bardsley’s sixth Broken Heart novel, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER…Phoebe Allen!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Phoebe!

PHOEBE:
Hey there! Nice to be interviewed by the famous Jez.

JEZ:
Heh. Flattery gets you everywhere. So tell us about what’s happening in COME HELL OR HIGH WATER. Love the title, by the way.

PHOEBE:
I’m a vampire with demon powers who gets tricked into marrying a half-demon Scottish hottie.

JEZ:
So much there to love!

PHOEBE:
Doesn’t sound bad, right? Only…I sorta enjoy having a freaking choice about getting hitched. Call me traditional.

JEZ:
Pfft. Tradition is highly overrated, especially when you’ve been around long enough to see a billion traditions first created. What’s the worst thing about your situation?

PHOEBE:
Um, hello? Did you hear the answer to the first question? I got tricked into marriage.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] Your point being…?

PHOEBE:
Okay, okay. In the heat of passion…hot, naked Scotsman would blur any woman’s common sense, right?

JEZ:
Is this a trick question?

PHOEBE:
[SIGHS] In the heat of passion, I believed Connor Ballard’s lie.

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

PHOEBE:
Vampires get 100-year-old “I Do” sentences if they do the mattress mambo with anyone.

JEZ:
Holy [BLEEP]. That’s…wow, I need a new word to describe how awful that is. Is there anything redeeming about your situation?

PHOEBE:
Um. Well. There is … you know, hot naked Scotsman.

JEZ:
Whew. Okay, so that sort of balances out. What’s a vampire with demonic powers wear these days? Anything you wouldn’t be caught dead in?

PHOEBE:
Considering I AM dead … I’m pretty much caught in everything. I don’t do leather, because wow, really? That’s so ’80s.

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES] True. Sounds like getting hitched just for a night between the sheets is the most ridiculous thing that happens to you, right?

PHOEBE:
Um … Connor has a demon-eating Chihuahua.

JEZ:
Say what now huh?

PHOEBE:
Seriously. That dog eats freaking bad-ass, sulfur-sucking Pit dwellers. How crazy is that?

JEZ:
Um. Yeah. Crazy. [SCOOTS BACKWARD] You saw the “No Pets Allowed” sign on the studio door, right? Ahem. Okay, spill. You and Connor. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

PHOEBE:
[GRINS] All positions welcome. And tried. More than once.

JEZ:
Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

PHOEBE:
Someone who cooks, cleans, rubs my feet, allows me maintain full control of the remote, supplies me with truffles, runs the perfect bubble bath, massages me, and rocks my world every night. [PAUSES] It’s just a small fantasy.

JEZ:
Heh. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

PHOEBE:
Chocolate with sex. Why choose either when you can have both?

JEZ:
You never know. So, in COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Michele, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

PHOEBE:
Um … she married to me a demon. Threw me into a cage match with a bitch named Lilith, tossed me into the Pit I don’t know how many freaking times … so, yeah, you could say I had some issues.

JEZ:
Aw, poor sweetie. If you had your way, what would you change about COME HELL OR HIGH WATER?

PHOEBE:
Um … the hell part.

JEZ:
You know, speaking from experience, Hell sort of grows on you. If you could make Michele do anything, what would it be?

PHOEBE:
Day trip to hell. See how she likes it.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

PHOEBE:
Chocolate should be calorie-free, damn it.

JEZ:
I so hear you. If COME HELL OR HIGH WATER goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

PHOEBE:
Megan Fox. She kicks ass.

JEZ:
She does indeed. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

PHOEBE:
The ability to turn things into chocolate.

JEZ:
Is that evil?

PHOEBE:
Only if I don’t share. [LAUGHS EVILLY]

JEZ:
Love it!

Avid fans, give another round of applause to the star of Michele Bardsley’s sixth Broken Heart novel, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER…Phoebe Allen!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Phoebe Allen hiding behind a mega-huge book cover. But it is her Dear Creator, Michele Bardsley.]

The Broken Heart series includes:

I’M THE VAMPIRE, THAT’S WHY
DON’T TALK BACK TO YOUR VAMPIRE
BECAUSE YOUR VAMPIRE SAID SO
WAIT TILL YOUR VAMPIRE GETS HOME
OVER MY DEAD BODY
COME HELL OR HIGH WATER

You can get the series at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest puts the “kick-ass” in “kick-ass heroine.” Publishers Weekly raves: “Intricate world-building and richly complex characters mix with a fast-paced plot to create a standout start to a new series.” Romantic Times, in a 4-star review, calls the book “dark and gritty with plenty of mystery and treachery thrown in. This is an excellent start to an electrifying new series!” And bestselling author Vicki Pettersson declares: “This is the urban fantasy novel I didn’t know I was looking for, and I can’t wait to spend more time with Charlie Madigan.”

They had me at “plenty of mystery and treachery.” Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Kelly Gay’s debut novel, THE BETTER PART OF DARKNESS…Charlie Madigan!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Charlie!

CHARLIE:
Hey, Jez. [NODS] Mel.

JEZ:
For those who don’t know what THE BETTER PART OF DARKNESS is about, give us a one-line description of the book.

CHARLIE:
Let’s see, how about … Cop goes after the off-worlders trying to make her city a ‘hell on earth’. [GRINS] A little homage to you there, Jez.

JEZ:
Hee! I’m flattered!

CHARLIE:
But, maybe ‘cop’ should be ‘smoking hot cop.’ My partner always says I need to project my sexier side.

JEZ:
Damn straight. Gotta love your inner sex goddess.

CHARLIE:
[LAUGHS] Yeah, she’s gotta be in here somewhere. Sometimes, though, that’s hard to remember when I’m dragging my ass out of bed every morning, getting my kid ready for school, and then hitting the streets of Underground — which usually entails writing up citations for Spellmongering, keeping an eye on Atlanta’s jinn tribe (our very own mafia) and usually getting my ass handed to me at least once a week. My sexier side has little room to show itself lately.

JEZ:
Aw.

MEL:
NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I’VE SEEN…

CHARLIE:
But there are some cool moments. Like my recent visit to The Bath House. [SHIVERS]

JEZ:
Oh yeah? ‘Splain, please.

CHARLIE:
Think decadent Roman baths populated by the beautiful beings of Elysia, and you get the picture.

JEZ:
Mmmm. Picturing it in HD!

CHARLIE:
It’s mind-blowing. I think you just might like that place, Jez.

MEL:
DOES A BEAR [BLEEP] IN THE WOODS?

JEZ:
Don’t mind the Muse. She never could see the bright side of things. Speaking of doom and gloom, there has to be something bad that happens in the book. It’s an urban fantasy, after all. What was the worst thing?

CHARLIE:
The moment a certain noble from Charbydon targeted my family. That’s a fear and a madness I never want to experience again. Oh, and walking around Atlanta with a blood debt over my head. Kill one of the jinn, and you incur a debt. If you can’t pay the price attributed to that tribe member, your debt becomes one of blood. Your blood, to be exact.

MEL:
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.

JEZ:
No doubt!

CHARLIE:
Yeah, and it’s not the greatest way to maintain peace with the jinn — those guys are aggressive enough without having a big ole target on your back. Then, there’s Will, my ex…

JEZ:
Sweetie, you OK?

CHARLIE:
[TAKING DEEP BREATHS] That man makes me crazy mad.

JEZ:
I think it’s a man thing. They somehow manage to make women crazy. So what’s the best thing that happens to you in the book?

CHARLIE:
[GRINS] Did I mention The Bath House?

JEZ:
Hee. Maybe I just want you to repeat it. [FANS SELF]

CHARLIE:
No, seriously, one of the best things about all this is that I’m closer to my kid than ever before. Of course, the rest of my world is in pieces and I have a lot of things to fix — and some of those are my fault, but still…

JEZ:
It’s the price you pay. Let’s talk clothing. What’s your standard outfit?

CHARLIE:
Jeans or light cargo pants, v-neck cotton T, boots, hair twisted up, and my weapons — three weapons for three different worlds. A girl must be prepared, after all.

JEZ:
Absolutely. What wouldn’t you be caught dead in?

CHARLIE:
Well, I already had to do the Girl’s Gone Wild version of the Greek gown at The Bath House, so I’d have to say leather pants and those corset contraptions. Not a fan of skin tight leather. I live in the south, people! It’s HOT down here.

JEZ:
Sweetie, you’re talking to a former demon. I know about hot. What’s one ridiculous thing about your situation?

CHARLIE:
Oh, man, that’s a good one. Sometimes I think the whole thing is ridiculous. I mean, my near death experience, the nightmares, getting set up by the CPP (Charbydon Political Party), the jinn breathing down my neck. . . It’s all insane.

JEZ:
Pick one.

CHARLIE:
[PAUSES] I’d have to say living with Rex has been one of the craziest experiences of my life.

JEZ:
[SCANS NOTES] Rex…?

CHARLIE:
He’s a Revenant, and they can be a little ‘off’ I’m learning. It’s that whole being without a body for a long time and then, once they find one, wanting to glutton themselves on everything. Food. TV. Sex. Emotion — god, they are so emotional and they love it…

JEZ:
Sounds like most humans I know…

CHARLIE:
True. Rex, it turns out, adores sarcasm, pizza, cooking, and acting. Yay me.

JEZ:
Aw, don’t be like that. Here’s something to cheer you up: Sex! Are you on top?

CHARLIE:
[SIGHS] If only. My love life is painfully nonexistent at the moment…

JEZ:
Er. Well then, what’s your romantic fantasy?

CHARLIE:
You’re punishing me. Really.

JEZ:
[SMILES INNOCENTLY] You can take the demon out of Hell…

MEL:
HARD HABIT TO BREAK.

CHARLIE:
Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve gotten any? It’s so bad I’ve started having Bath House fantasies. Seeing my partner in nothing but a sarong — six-foot-four dripping wet inches of male siren with a body made to lure, a body with all the grace, power, and magnetism of a lion.

JEZ:
Ooooh. [FANS SELF]

CHARLIE:
Yeah. See? See, how bad it’s gotten? I’m reduced to fantasies about my partner. A partner I don’t even like in that way.

JEZ:
Maybe it’s time to broaden your horizons. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

CHARLIE:
[GRINS] Take a wild guess. That reminds me, though; need more cookie dough ice cream… A lot of cookie dough ice cream.

JEZ:
So, in THE BETTER PART OF DARKNESS were there any parts of the story where you were like, Kelly, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

CHARLIE:
I’d like to strangle her. No lie. She puts me into impossible situations. And you know what? I can handle whatever she throws at me, but when she involves my family, I just want to draw my Nitro-gun and shove it up her—

MEL:
LOVE HURTS.

CHARLIE:
[NODS] Doesn’t it, though? But, I guess it’s not all bad, so I have to give her that. She’s a bit stingy with the good stuff, but she did give me my kid. I fight harder for her. That kid is why I do what I do. She keeps me sane and focused and gives me a reason to keep going.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about THE BETTER PART OF DARKNESS?

CHARLIE:
Most everything. People got hurt in this book. I hate that. It’s my job to protect. If I get hurt, I can deal. That’s my job, but others… I failed with a lot of people and it pisses me off, ya know?

JEZ:
Um, no. Former demon, remember? Death and destruction is sort of my bailiwick. If you could make Kelly do anything, what would it be?

CHARLIE:
To take a hike. I need a goddamn vacation. [PAUSES] She could throw in a man, too. I mean since we’re talking anything. [LAUGHS]

JEZ:
Now we’re talking! Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

CHARLIE:
Wendy’s burgers. It’s not right. Square patties are just NOT NATURAL!

JEZ:
Heh. If THE BETTER PART OF DARKNESS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

CHARLIE:
Haven’t a clue. But, my Uncle Walter says I remind him of that chick who plays the detective in Castle. You know that show?

JEZ:
My Dear Creator loves it. Stana Katic, right? She plays Detective Beckett.

CHARLIE:
Yes. Detective Beckett. I like her. My hair is really long, though.

JEZ:
You can always find uses for long hair. [WINKS] Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

CHARLIE:
Oh, man, that’s a loaded question. All I can say to that one is read the book and you’ll get your answer…

JEZ:
Hah! Way to end the interview on a teaser!

Avid Fans, give another round of applause for the star of Kelly Gay’s debut novel, THE BETTER PART OF DARKNESS…Charlie Madigan!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Charlie Madigan. But it is her Dear Creator, Kelly Gay.]

You can purchase THE BETTER PART OF DARKNESS at Barnes and Noble, Borders, independent bookstores, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time…love your inner demon!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest comes with some rave reviews. Bestselling author Gena Showalter calls THREE DAYS TO DEAD “Dark, dangerous and delectable. A fantastic debut impossible to put down!” And bestseller Patricia Briggs says: “THREE DAYS TO DEAD is gritty, imaginative and a terrific read. Debut author Kelly Meding is a real storyteller and I look forward to reading more of her work.” And according to bestselling author Jeaniene Frost: “Action-packed, edgy, and thrilling, THREE DAYS TO DEAD is a fabulous debut! Kelly Meding’s world and characters will grab you from the first page. You won’t want to miss this one.”

And some author named Jackie Kessler raves: “THREE DAYS TO DEAD is one of the best books I’ve read. Ever. Evy Stone is a heroine’s heroine, and I rooted for her from the moment I met her. Kelly Meding has written a phenomenal story, one that’s fast-paced, gritty, and utterly addictive. Brava! More! More! More!”

Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Kelly Meding’s debut novel, THREE DAYS TO DEAD…Evy Stone!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Evy!

EVY:
Yeah, hi. [EYEBALLS MEL]

JEZ:
So in THREE DAYS TO DEAD, a kick-ass Dreg Hunter is resurrected into a new, less-than-kick-ass body with three days to solve her own murder and stop a devastating alliance between the city’s vampires and goblins, before she dies again for good. [GRINS] That is SO cool.

EVY:
Cool? Are you serious?

JEZ:
Absolutely! What’s the worst thing that happens to you? Is it the being killed part?

EVY:
The worst thing? How much airtime do we have? [SNORTS]

MEL:
[SINGS] NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I’VE SEEN…

EVY:
Okay, so forgetting for a moment that before the book even begins, I’ve already seen both of my partners die in front of me, been accused of their murders, am being hunted by my former colleagues, and am indirectly responsible for the deaths of about three hundred shape-shifters, I have also, apparently, been kidnapped and tortured to death. This is before, this isn’t even now.

JEZ:
[SIGHS HAPPILY] Like I said. So cool.

EVY:
[GLARES] So forgetting all of that [BLEEP] for a moment, I then wake up naked, half-frozen, and in a morgue! Did I mention naked?

JEZ:
Did I mention cool?

EVY:
A naked body that is not mine, by the way, but the body of some other chick who just recently died. And judging by the deep gash in her arm, it wasn’t a happy death.

JEZ:
Better and better!

EVY:
So no clothes, no money, no [BLEEP] clue how I died in the first place—can I say [BLEEP] on the radio?

JEZ:
Nope, but we’ve got a seven-second delay. No worries.

EVY:
No clue how I died in the first place because I have short-term memory loss.

JEZ:
Dead, naked, and suffering from amnesia. This is, like, the best story ever! All we need is a hot guy.

EVY:
I finally find my old boss, Wyatt Truman, and as if my afterlife isn’t already complicated enough, my new body seems to find him extremely attractive.

JEZ:
HAH! Knew it! Best! Story! Ever!

EVY:
Turns out he paid the price to bring me back, because before I died I learned something really important.

JEZ:
Ooh. I can sense the italics!

EVY:
And he needs to know this really important thing that I know, so humans don’t get trampled by an alliance between vampires and goblins. Only remember that memory loss? And to top that all off, it turns out I’m on a fu—er, freaking three-day time limit.

JEZ:
And then you’re dead again, right?

MEL:
PUSHING UP DAISIES. TAKING A DIRT NAP. DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. BETTER OFF…

JEZ:
Yeah, got it with the first cliché, thanks.

EVY:
Should I go on? I can go on, because it just keeps getting worse…

JEZ:
Let’s shake it up. What’s the best thing about your situation?

EVY:
Well, the healing thing’s pretty nifty, and it’s been damned useful so far.

JEZ:
Healing thing?

EVY:
Seems the spell used to bring me back came with the neat side feature of rapid healing. Good thing, too, because my reaction time in this new body is a lot slower and less graceful than I’m used to. [PAUSES] I swear, the dead chick was a klutz in life.

JEZ:
Hate when that happens…

EVY:
Even though no one told Wyatt about it ahead of time, I guess the healing thing makes sense. I mean, he bargained for three days. Hard to get those entire three days if I get taken out by an angry hound.

JEZ:
Angry say what now?

EVY:
Did I mention the hounds? Nasty pieces of work, completely unnatural. Dunno how they got into my city, but I’m sure as [BLEEP] going to get them back out again. [PAUSES] Wait, what was the question again?

JEZ:
You were about to tell me something ridiculous you have to deal with.

EVY:
[BLINKS] I don’t even know how to narrow it down to one. Pretending to actually be Chalice Frost—she’s the dead chick whose body I’m borrowing—probably tops the list. I mean, I may look like her and sound like her, but I am so not her.

JEZ:
‘Splain, please.

EVY:
For one thing, pink! All over her bedroom and wardrobe.

JEZ:
[SHUDDERS] Pink.

EVY:
And let’s see. [TICS OFF POINTS ON FINGERS] She was a grad student and I barely got my GED. I had to lie to her neighbor in order to get into Chalice’s apartment and steal some clothes. I had to lie to her best friend, Alex, who actually saw her dead body and was really confused as to why she was up and about again.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

EVY:
And he’s a real, honest-to-god nice guy. And then later I ran into someone Chalice worked with, which was just…really awkward. So yeah, pretending to be someone else definitely tops the ridiculous list.

JEZ:
So what does a Dreg Hunter-turned-klutz wear these days?

EVY:
Jeans and a shirt that allows for movement and easy access to weapons. Combat boots, steel-toed if I can find them. Being stylish doesn’t keep you alive.

JEZ:
No, but it is more fun.

EVY:
Skimpy tops don’t adequately hide knives and handguns.

JEZ:
Accessorizing by way of licensed hunter. [NODS] I like it!

EVY:
I hate skirts, and if I’m wearing high heels, it’s because I’m playing bait and zeroing in to kill something. And for the love of God, no pink. [SHUDDER]

JEZ:
Heh. Duly noted. Okay, spill. You and Wyatt. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

EVY:
Me and Wyatt are…complicated.

JEZ:
[ARCHES EYEBROW]

EVY:
See, I care about him a lot. We’ve worked together for four years, seen each other injured, sick, and at our absolute, blood-covered, broken-bone, beaten-down worst.

JEZ:
You make that sound like a bad thing…

EVY:
He knocked sense into my thick, I-know-it-all head before I could get myself killed, um, a lot sooner. We maybe, sort of connected over our shared grief when my partners died, but that’s not…that was different.

JEZ:
How so?

EVY:
I’m not talking about it.

JEZ:
All righty…

EVY:
Then I get resurrected and my new body’s got all these feelings and physical attraction to the man, which I am obviously experiencing now and it’s seriously screwing with my head! And I know he reciprocates all this attraction, which is even worse because I’m just going to be dead again in three days, right? We can’t…it’s not [BLEEP] fair to him.

JEZ:
Heh. Yeah, okay, so it’s complicated.

EVY:
Gah! I don’t even think complicated is strong enough.

JEZ:
What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

EVY:
[LAUGHS] Romantic fantasy? [LAUGHS HARDER] Honestly, I’d go for the big cliché: king-sized bed, soft sheets, candlelight, champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries and, if possible, a beach view.

JEZ:
[COUGHS] I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that all that could be yours for the teeny price of your soul. Not that I do that sort of thing anymore. Just saying.

EVY:
[SIGHS] My life is too damned hard and too damned violent. Hunters don’t do relationships, so when I had an itch, I went to a club and found a guy to scratch it for me. I used to be blond-haired and blue-eyed, so it wasn’t all that hard to find an interested party, trust me. Romance, though, just doesn’t…years ago, I saw firsthand what happened when a Hunter tried to keep a girlfriend, and it wasn’t pretty.

JEZ:
Ah. You know, I keep reminding people: not the face. Never the face. But some people just won’t listen.

MEL:
[SHAKES HEAD SADLY]

JEZ:
What? What did I say?

EVY:
Er. So yeah, I’ve never had the whole romance cliché thing. Wouldn’t mind having it just once. With roses, too. Probably never get it, though. [BLEEP] three-day deadlines.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

EVY:
Is there a third option? Frankly, I’m not all that crazy about chocolate.

JEZ:
[STARES IN DISBELIEF]

EVY:
Unless you partner it with peanut butter, then I’m so there. And how the hell do people eat dark chocolate? If I wanted to chew on cardboard, I’d eat a shoe box. Ugh.

JEZ:
Sweetie, you’re the first person who has ever shut me up. I think you should get an award.

EVY:
I know it sounds like I defaulted to sex for my answer, and if you’d asked me a few weeks ago, I’d have happily declared it so. But you remember what I said about Wyatt and complicated? My brain says no, no, but my body says hell, yes! I just can’t…

MEL:
THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH.

JEZ:
Damn straight.

EVY:
Oh, to hell with it. I’m qualifying my answer—anonymous, no-strings, pre-resurrection sex. Way better than chocolate.

JEZ:
Now we’re talking! In THREE DAYS TO DEAD, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Kelly, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

EVY:
Strangely enough, Kelly and I were pretty in sync with the stuff she made me do. I mean, I made mistakes, sure, but who the hell doesn’t? Now the [BLEEP] she was making other people do to me? Not so much. Actually, not even a little bit. Kidnapping, torture, murder, betrayal, big-ass claws and teeth rending flesh, a little more betrayal for good measure…I was swallowed by a [BLEEP] troll! I mean, really? REALLY? Do you have any idea how bad their spit smells?

JEZ:
Worse than an incubus’s dirty laundry, I’m guessing…

EVY:
I hope a troll spits in her bed. Or better yet, in her coffee. She can’t function without her coffee. [LAUGHS EVILLY]

JEZ:
I love the way you think! If you had your way, what would you change about THREE DAYS TO DEAD?

EVY:
I’d give me more than just three days. A week, minimum. Seventy-two hours just isn’t enough time to adjust to a new body, get your memory back, solve your own murder, get revenge for the deaths of your partners, convince your old colleagues you aren’t a traitor, and still have a few hours left over to sort out your new feelings for someone you shouldn’t be falling for in the first place. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Hear that, Kelly? Quit with the three-day deadlines!

KELLY:
[OFF CAMERA] Buwahahaha!

JACKIE:
[OFF CAMERA] Aren’t fictional characters the cutest things?

JEZ:
[GLARING AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Evy, if you could make Kelly do anything, what would it be?

EVY:
I’d make her write a story in which I spend a month lazing on some white, sandy beach someplace tropical, sunning myself all day long while sipping fruity drinks with little umbrellas in them. Seriously, I need a vacation from my afterlife.

JEZ:
If THREE DAYS TO DEAD goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

EVY:
You know that show Smallville? And that one chick who plays Lois Lane?

JEZ:
Oh, sure.

EVY:
What is her name, Erica Durance? Yeah, she’d be the new me. She’s got snap and pizazz, and she kicks ass, too.

JEZ:
What about Wyatt?

EVY:
My hot-headed Handler would probably be played by Michael Landes. [GRINS] Google him, folks, you won’t be disappointed by the visual, trust me. It’s the eyes that make the man, right? He’s got the eyes.

JEZ:
Any advice you care to share?

EVY:
Just a word of caution to any fellow juvenile offenders who may be listening—if a good-looking, blond man named Bastian ever shows up outside of your holding cell with an offer to get the charges against you dropped in exchange for your service, say no. You’ll live longer if you stay in jail.

MEL:
JUST SAY NO.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

EVY:
Spiffy evil powers, huh?

JEZ:
Yep. Spiffy evil, not why-did-I-bother evil.

EVY:
I think the ability to go back in time. That way I can stop some [BLEEP] before it happens, save some lives that didn’t need to be lost. Right a few wrongs.

JEZ:
How…noble.

EVY:
[SHRUGS] Not really the best evil use of evil powers, but whatever. Okay, so maybe also I’d go back and find the goblin bitch who tortured me to death and torture her first. [NODS] Yeah, that could be fun.

JEZ:
Who says death, doom and destruction has to be grim?

Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the star of Kelly Meding’s debut novel, THREE DAYS TO DEAD…Evy Stone!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Evy. Or Chalice. But it is their Dear Creator, Kelly Meding.]

THREE DAYS TO DEAD hits the shelves on November 24. You can preorder it at Barnes and Noble, Borders, independent booksellers, Amazon, and other booksellers near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest gives the phrase “fish out of water” a whole new meaning. Bestselling author Rachel Caine calls TEMPEST RISING “A fascinating, fast-paced, sexy storm of a book.” And RT Magazine, in a four-and-a-half star review, declares: “A new star is rising in the urban fantasy world. With her Jane True character, Peeler launches a first-person series that’s an exciting journey of self-discovery and murder mystery. The supporting characters are intriguing in their own right. A notable debut.”

Avid fans, give a huge round of applause to the star of Nicole Peeler’s debut novel, TEMPEST RISING…Jane True!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Jane!

JANE:
[WAVES HELLO]

JEZ:
Got to say, I love your high-tops. Converse?

JANE:
[NODS] I’ve learned the hard way that high heels and I don’t mix. I suppose it makes sense, as I’m not exactly grace incarnate. The seal blood, and all that. But really? I am a nightmare on heels.

JEZ:
Right, seal blood. [GLANCES AT NOTES] That would be the selkie part of you. That has to make for all sorts of fun situations, I’d think…

JANE:
Sexy hijinks in salt water occur at LEAST once. [GRINS] Who hasn’t dreamed of sexy salt-water hijinks?

JEZ:
Hah! So what’s the worst thing that happens to you: getting brine in your bikini area?

JANE:
[SIGHS] You just have to read the book: it’s like a bloopers reel for a normal urban fantasy.

JEZ:
Come on. Is it really that bad?

JANE:
[NODS]

JEZ:
So what’s the worst thing that happens?

JANE:
Pretty much everything. [PAUSES] Except for the sex and the travel and the food. [PAUSES AGAIN] And the new clothes.

JEZ:
[SNORTS] See, you’re just messing with us.

JANE:
No, seriously, I was pretty settled into my life. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted then BAM . . . all this stuff hits. I’m still dealing, to be honest.

MEL:
THE TIMES, THEY ARE A-CHANGIN’.

JEZ:
Sounds it. With all the lousy things that happen — which I just have to say, you’re being purposefully vague about…

JANE:
[SMILES INNOCENTLY] You just have to read the book.

JEZ:
Uh-huh. As I was saying, with all the allegedly lousy things that happen in the book that I have yet to read, what’s the best thing that happens?

JANE:
Definitely the sex and the food. Not necessarily in that order.

JEZ:
Now we’re talking! Details!

JANE:
First off: the sex. Have you seen Ryu?

JEZ:
[FLIPS THROUGH NOTES] Hot thang, right?

JANE:
RIDICULOUSLY hot. And he’s such a Casanova. Which makes me giggle, most of the time, but there’s something to be said for dating a Casanova.

JEZ:
[GRINS] So say it.

JANE:
That boy can SWANG.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

JANE:
I mean, woooooah Nelly. I’m always all, “You’re gonna put your what, where?” And he’s all, “Roll with it, baby,” And I’m all, “I’m not really sure . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD DO THAT AGAIN.” He’s amazing. He also feeds me really good food, sometimes during sex. Heavenly!

JEZ:
You had me up until the “Heavenly.” So you and Ryu. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

JANE:
Dear lord, Ryu. Where to start? First of all, I don’t know who’s on top yet, because we haven’t done the same position twice. He’s like a walking, biting Kama Sutra.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] Oh bless me, I’m getting quite the visual…

JANE:
It’s a little intimidating, to be honest. But awesome. Really, really awesome.

JEZ:
I bet! With all that delicious nooky, what’s your romantic fantasy? [SMILES] Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. In fact, I insist.

JANE:
After having dated Ryu for a bit, my idea of a romantic evening has changed completely. Because Ryu is all about the Huge Romantic Gesture. I’ve actually had to have a talk with him.

JEZ:
[BLINKS] ‘Splain, please.

JANE:
I live in Rockabill, Maine. I can’t have helicopters arriving in the middle of the night to whisk me off to Montreal. I don’t need designer clothes or diamonds. I don’t really like diamonds and the shoes, as I’ve said, kill me. I just want to wear my Converse.

MEL:
DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND.

JEZ:
Seriously. If you’re over-burdened with diamonds, you can always give them to us.

JANE:
[LAUGHS] My new Ultimate Romantic Night would be a night in, watching movies and cuddling on the couch. I know that sounds weird, but . . . I’ve learned there really can be too much of a good thing.

JEZ:
But not enough of a great thing. [WINKS] Which is better: sex or chocolate?

JANE:
Ummm . . . I’m not really all that good at the tough choices. I’ll take sex WITH chocolate, thanks.

JEZ:
Heh. Duly noted. So, in TEMPEST RISING, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Nicole, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

JANE:
[ROLLS EYES] Nicole kept being all, “Jane, um, I don’t know if we can say that . . . It’s not very ladylike.” Or she’d worry that I wasn’t ballsy enough, that I wasn’t a “real” UF heroine. But I argued her down. I mean, this is my story, and I’m me.

JEZ:
Specifically, you’re part selkie.

JANE:
I wish I’d had some ninja mother who taught me to sharpen throwing stars with my teeth. Instead, my mom taught me how to hold my breath underwater, how to fight the currents, how to skin an eel . . . wait, I’m definitely not supposed to talk about the eels. Sorry.

JEZ:
Er. Right. No worries. If you had your way, what would you change about TEMPEST RISING?

JANE:
Like I said, I fought pretty hard to keep the tone of the book honest. So there’s not a lot about the book I would change. It’s me . . . warts and all.

JEZ:
Well then, if you could make Nicole do anything, what would it be?

JANE:
[RUBS HANDS GLEEFULLY] I’d make her wear the heels. She was such a bitch about it . . . like she’s graceful. She moves like Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein.

JEZ:
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

JANE:
Sings like him, too.

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

JANE:
I wish we could all traipse. I know I’m obsessed with the heels thing, but, like, I watch these super models going pedal to the metal down runways, and I fall over just looking at a pair of stiletto heels. It’s so unfair!

JEZ:
Frankly, I blame our Dear Creators for that. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Hey Kessler, you ever try wearing five-inch stripper heels AND dancing on a waxed stage?

JACKIE:
[OFF SCREEN] Don’t have to. That’s why I keep you around.

JEZ:
See, Jane? All Creators are evil. Take it from a former demon. If TEMPEST RISING goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

JANE:
I would definitely be played by Emma Stone, from Zombieland. Dye her hair and put some black contacts on her and she’s perfect. Okay, fine, you’d also have to fatten her up a bit. I’m part seal! Give me a break!

JEZ:
Sweetie, you’re not even chubby. Last question: If you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

JANE:
I would be able to neutralize calories, and using these evil powers I would eat all the stinky cheese in the world. The world would be bereft of stinky cheese, but I would be happy.

JEZ:
Cheesetastic!

Avid Fans, once again give a round of applause to the star of Nicole Peeler’s debut novel TEMPEST RISING…Jane True!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Jane True. But it is her Dear Creator, Nicole Peeler.]

TEMPEST RISING, which just hit the shelves, is available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Flights of Fantasy and other independent bookstores, and other fine bookstores near you.

Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest would be the first to tell you Tinkerbell sold out. SciFi Guy declares: “Rosemary and Rue is a startling good debut novel and destined for my top 10 list for 2009.” And Publishers Weekly says: “Well researched, sharply told, highly atmospheric and as brutal as any pulp detective tale, this promising start to a new urban fantasy series is sure to appeal to fans of Jim Butcher or Kim Harrison.”

Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the star of Seanan McGuire’s debut novel, ROSEMARY AND RUE…October Daye!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Toby!

TOBY:
Hi, Jezebel. Melpomene. Nice studio.

JEZ:
Thanks! Give me a one-line description of ROSEMARY AND RUE.

TOBY:
How about, “Faerie won’t leave me the hell alone, not even when I take out a restraining order against it”?

JEZ:
Love it.

TOBY:
If I’m trying not to be flippant–and that’s a first–then I’d have to go with “Faerie and the mortal world collide in San Francisco, with fatal consequences.”

JEZ:
Hmm. I prefer the first version, although the “fatal consequences” part of the second is pretty nifty too. Sounds like there’s some pretty dire stuff happening. What’s the worst thing about your situation in the book?

TOBY:
I don’t even know where to start. I mean, first off, what the hell was my mother even thinking, marrying a human man? How is that even remotely fair?

JEZ:
Heh. Don’t know anything about fair, sweetie. But human men can be damn hot.

TOBY:
[SIGHS] Changeling kids get the worst of everything. We’re not human, so we have to live in Faerie. We’re not purebloods, so we get treated like crap. It’s just not cool.

MEL:
PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.

TOBY:
Beyond that, there’s the part where I’m 14 years out of my time period.

JEZ:
Um. What?

TOBY:
I got turned into a fish by an [BLEEP] with nothing better to do with his time.

JEZ:
Yikes.

TOBY:
Maybe that sort of thing was cool during, I don’t know, the medieval times, when people wore the same shoes for 14 years, but the modern day? Not okay.

JEZ:
[GRINS] That’s got to suck.

TOBY:
I don’t know what a text message is, I don’t understand why people keep trying to show me pictures of cats with stupid captions on them, and the next person who suggests I let some guy named Tivo mess with my TV is getting punched in the face.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

TOBY:
And have you seen what they’re showing on VH1 these days? I go away for a decade, and you people invent reality television? It’s all ridiculous.

JEZ:
Actually, reality television is a nefarious plot from the Lower Downs of Hell. But that’s another story.

TOBY:
Has there been some sort of anti-fae campaign going on that I wasn’t notified about? Because seriously. Tinker Belle has a television show now. And a movie. And a toy line. Barbie has a “magical fairy princess” version. Barbie, people. If you don’t think that kind of merchandising is anti-fae, you’ve never had to deal with a full-grown Kelpie on the beach after sunset. Seriously, it’s like there’s a plot to convince mankind that we’re harmless, thus allowing us to eat you all. [PAUSES] Actually…

JEZ:
Mel, take notes!

MEL:
[SCRIBBLES]

TOBY:
Insult to injury, I got fired from the 7-11 because I couldn’t work the damn register, and just when I was starting to get my feet under myself again, Evening had to go and get herself murdered.

JEZ:
Evening. [SCANS NOTES] That’s Countess Evening Winterrose, one of the secret regents of the San Francisco Bay Area.

TOBY:
[NODS] Now she’s dead, and it seems like everybody in San Francisco is trying to kill me, too. And I keep running out of coffee.

JEZ:
Ouch. Well, with all that crap, there’s got to be something good.

MEL:
A SILVER LINING.

JEZ:
Right?

TOBY:
Uh…coffee’s pretty easy to find in San Francisco, even at two o’clock in the morning?

JEZ:
Well, yeah. That counts.

TOBY:
Also, my apartment’s pretty cool. I like my apartment. And my cats. I like my cats. Even if they do wake me up all the damn time.

JEZ:
Yeah, my Dear Creator could whine with you about that one. What’s your standard outfit?

TOBY:
Jeans. Running shoes. Good socks. Cotton shirt, in a color that won’t show the blood. Dressing fancier than that is just asking for trouble.

JEZ:
Heh. What wouldn’t you be caught dead in?

TOBY:
Every time I say “oh, I wouldn’t be caught dead in that,” I wind up wearing it a chapter later. I no longer answer that question, on the grounds of almost anything I won’t be caught dead in is impossible to run in, which could make the death part way too literal for me.

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES] Gotcha. Okay, spill. You and Connor. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

TOBY:
Connor’s married. Also, he’s married. He’s married to my liege lord’s daughter. He’s married to a crazy woman. And oh, yeah, he’s married. And it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

JEZ:
Of course not.

TOBY:
He’s a Selkie, he’s probably into girls who surf, and wear wetsuits, and know how to swim. [PAUSES] But I’d totally be on top. That boy wouldn’t know what hit him.

JEZ:
Now that’s what I’m talking about! So what’s your romantic fantasy?

TOBY:
…

JEZ:
[SMILES] Feel free to be as graphic as you want.

TOBY:
Uh, okay. I didn’t realize this was going to be that sort of show. Does the FCC not care anymore or something?

JEZ:
We have a deal.

TOBY:
Uh, right. Anyway. My romantic fantasy…at this point? My romantic fantasy is a guy taking me to dinner, during which no one will get shot at, stabbed, attacked, or harassed in any way by dark forces beyond our control. He’ll then pay the check, and we’ll go back to his place for coffee, some sort of really unhealthy dessert, and wall-shaking, window-rattling, I-don’t-care-if-it’s-almost-dawn, pass-the-whipped-cream, wake-the-neighbors sex. [PAUSES] My neighbors get a lot of sleep. I hate my neighbors.

JEZ:
Which is better: sex or chocolate?

TOBY:
Right now, since sex would probably end with Rayseline showing me my own liver, definitely chocolate.

JEZ:
That’s Connor’s wife, I take it. Yeah, liver isn’t as yummy as chocolate, especially when it’s your own. So, in ROSEMARY AND RUE, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Seanan, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do?

TOBY:
The. Whole. Damn. Book. She has this thing about putting me through hell that’s just like, really? Really? If I ever find her in a dark alley, she’s going to learn exactly how much “fun” the crap she does to me really is.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about ROSEMARY AND RUE?

TOBY:
I really don’t know. If I had my way, I’d be 14 years older and things would have been so damn different that it wouldn’t even be the same book. Assuming I can’t have that, I’d…make Connor not be married, make Evening tell me what was going on before things got as bad as they did, and make Tybalt not be a flaming [BLEEP].

JEZ:
Readers will have to learn who Tybalt is all on their very own. If you could make Seanan do anything, what would it be?

TOBY:
I’m assuming “die” is out of the question.

JEZ:
Er…

MEL:
DEATH BE NOT PROUD.

JEZ:
My lawyers will not allow me to answer that question anymore.

TOBY:
In that case, I’d make her spend a week getting the amount of sleep she lets me have. Maybe after that, she’d work mid-chapter naps into the next one.

JEZ:
Wouldn’t that be nice? Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

TOBY:
I would kill the San Francisco tourist industry the way you kill a large spider: vigorously, thoroughly, and with the biggest shoe I could find. The city would suddenly be filled with free parking, available reservations at places that weren’t McDonalds, and sidewalks you could actually walk on. [SMILES] I would be hailed as a hero. They might even declare a public holiday in my honor.

JEZ:
Trust me, the public holiday thing is fraught with peril. What about in the publishing world–what would you change?

TOBY:
All series with lead characters named after months of the year by uncaring mothers would come with guaranteed publication contracts for however many books it takes the damn author to give said lead characters a little peace.

JEZ:
Hah! If ROSEMARY AND RUE goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

TOBY:
According to Quentin–he’s pretty good about this stuff–Molly Ringwald is too old now, and I’m not allowed to say Kristy Swanson. He suggested some chick named Kristen Bell? Apparently there’s a resemblance? That, or he’s messing with me, and I’ll pour coffee on him later.

JEZ:
What about Connor? Or Tybalt?

TOBY:
Connor would totally need to be played by this Adam Brody guy I saw on a rerun last week, since they both spend a lot of time looking like kicked puppies, and for Tybalt…I have no clue. What’s Jensen Ackles doing right now?

JEZ:
Sweetie, after the show, I have to talk to you about something called Supernatural. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

TOBY:
I’d be one of those crazy changelings they used to warn me about when I was a kid, the ones with all the bang and none of the common sense–unlike me, where I got way too much sense, and no damn bang to speak of–and I’d hunt down every person who’s ever annoyed me, turn them all into frogs, and leave them in a damn pond for a decade. See how they like it. And then I’d go visit my author. [GRINS] I’d be awesome.

JEZ:
Yeah, sweetie, you totally would. So, stick around after the show, and we can talk about why the Dark Side is reported to have cookies.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Seanan McGuire’s debut novel, ROSEMARY AND RUE…October Daye!

[APPLAUSE]

You can get ROSEMARY AND RUE at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy, other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
So every once in a while, we’re lucky to get repeat performers. You know the ones—those guests who just have to come back for more. Like multiple orgasms, they’re the gifts that keep on giving!

We first met the delicious Ravirn when he was promoting his first book, WEBMAGE. Since then, he’s become an agent of Chaos, has pissed off more gods than you can shake a stick at, and has learned that sleeping with a Fury can have unforeseen consequences.

MEL:
LOVE, ACTUALLY?

JEZ:
Hush, Muse. We’re not allowed to give anything away. Says Huntress Book Reviews of MYTHOS: “As always, this author writes a smooth flowing tale that entices the imagination and leaves me hungry for more.”

Oh yeah. Ravirn always leaves me hungry for more! Boys and girls, give a standing, O for the return of Kelly McCullough’s star of WEB MAGE, CYBERMANCY, CODESPELL and MYTHOS…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, sweetie!

RAVIRN:
[GRINNING] Jez. And lovelier than ever. It’s always a pleasure to see you.

JEZ:
Oh bless me, I’ve missed such flattery. [FANS SELF]

RAVIRN:
[TURNS AND WAVES] Melpomene, Thalia sends her best.

MEL:
[SINGS] WE ARE FAMILY. I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME.

RAVIRN:
[TO JEZ] When Grandma heard I was coming on the show, she made me promise to say hello to her sister, though her original request included a squirting flower. [ROLLS EYES] Muse of Comedy, what can you do?

JEZ:
I hear you. If your grandmother ever appeared on the show, it would give “dramedy” a whole new meaning.

RAVIRN:
Life must be treating you well, because really, you look great.

JEZ:
You know how it goes. Star in a book or two, get some time off to do naughty things, then gear up for another romp between the sheets. Of paper, of course. [WINKS] So, gorgeous, because you’ve already gone through all the questions before…something different for you. For our listeners, be warned: spoilers follow.

MEL:
[DISABLES SPOILALERT]

JEZ:
Ready? Here we go. Black or white?

RAVIRN:
I’m not a big fan of black and white. Neither as worldview nor in terms of being entirely on either side.

JEZ:
As long as you still buy the book, my Dear Creator will be happy. But why nothing so stark, sweetie? Are you only shades of gray?

RAVIRN:
[SNORTS] I’m definitely getting there. I’ve lived my life on the extremes in many ways. I went from the family of Fate, who are all law and order all the time, into the arms of Chaos, where the only rule is do as thou wilt.

JEZ:
And the problem is?

RAVIRN:
Both sides are too quick to throw rocks. Unfortunately, that leaves me standing out in the middle of the field with all those rocks zipping by.

JEZ:
Hmm. Best learn to duck, then. Or get better armor. Next question: Cerise or Tisiphone?

RAVIRN:
That’s really a question of past and future. I will always love Cerice on some level. She was one of the few members of my generation of the Greek pantheon whom I actually liked. She’s brilliant and beautiful. She even saved my life.

JEZ:
Uh huh.

RAVIRN:
At the same time, we’re really, really bad for each other.

JEZ:
You say that like it’s a bad thing. [GRINS] What about Tisiphone?

RAVIRN:
Tisiphone…what to say about Tisiphone? Perhaps “She’s not just a date, she’s an adventure?”

JEZ:
Heh. I don’t think so.

RAVIRN:
[SMILES] How about, “I was born to play with fire?”

JEZ:
[CHUCKLES] Yep, that’ll do it. Next question: Greek or Norse?

RAVIRN:
I’m currently leaning toward atheism.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

RAVIRN:
If I could just get them not to believe in me, I’d be there in a heartbeat. But since we know that’s not going to happen, I’m going to reluctantly express a slight preference toward Norse.

JEZ:
Why?

RAVIRN:
The odds that I can convince them to leave me alone are better.

JEZ:
Ah. Abandonment issues.

RAVIRN:
More like abandonment fantasies. Even if I could talk my Greek peeps into leaving me out of all the inter-pantheonic sniping, there are simply too many gods and goddettes who have a personal stake in my appearance on the cosmic obituary page. And yes, I know Eris is going to kill me for “goddettes,” but I couldn’t resist.

JEZ:
And who could blame you? Speaking of agents of Chaos…Eris or Loki?

RAVIRN:
Eris, no question. For all that she’s a dangerous manipulative psycho on some levels–I know, I know: goddess, duh–she can still occasionally see people for themselves, not for how she can use them.

JEZ:
Obviously, she’s not into politics.

RAVIRN:
Loki is simply too bitter. I’m not saying he doesn’t have reason to be what he is, just that what he is is someone I’d really rather not spend too much time with.

JEZ:
Fair enough. Mel or Laginn? [ASIDE] And no, Mel, not you. I’m referring to Melchior. Because of course Ravirn would pick you.

MEL:
[SMILES] FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES.

RAVIRN:
Oh, definitely Mel, if for no other reason than he can lend me two hands when I step in it again.

MEL:
COLD HANDS, WARM HEART.

RAVIRN:
Really, that doesn’t do him enough justice. As much as I like Laginn’s style–how can you not love the undead hand of a god?–Mel is virtually another part of my brain. The part that actually thinks.

JEZ:
And with that, we segue into thinking with the other head. Sex or chocolate?

RAVIRN:
Normally, I say chocolate with sex, but things have changed now that I’m dating a woman who has to be careful not to start things on fire with her hair. When you heat chocolate up the way Tisiphone does, it starts to cross the line from “sexy” to “scalding.” At that point, it’s no question at all. Sex. Definitely sex. With chocolate after.

JEZ:
Mmm. Sweetie, if you didn’t have a girlfriend who could rend me into itsy bitsy demon pieces in the blink of an eye, I’d do very bad things with you. Raven or Ravirn?

RAVIRN:
Ravirn. While Raven’s really starting to grow on me, it’s in the manner of an unfortunate rash.

JEZ:
Aw. You know, I’d be happy to rub some ointment where it burns…

RAVIRN:
[COUGHS, BLUSHES] Let’s not talk about burns. Tisiphone’s…well, never mind. What was the question? Oh, right. Look, as much as I like the powers that come with the Raven brand, it’s simply not me. I hope.

JEZ:
Alas. Order or Chaos?

RAVIRN:
Go team Chaos, rah? [PAUSES] We’re not as bad as the other guy?

MEL:
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.

RAVIRN:
Hey, what I lack in enthusiasm for Chaos, I make for with ambiguity in my opposition to Order. [SHRUGS] Well, there’s no question which side of that equation has a little picture of my face on it. But again, I’m not big on extremes.

JEZ:
If you could tell your Dear Creator one thing, what would it be?

RAVIRN:
The number of an abandoned Swiss bank account holding a large fortune.

JEZ:
Really?

RAVIRN:
Why are you giving me that look? It’s not like I like the guy. I’m just hoping that a big enough cash disbursement might convince him to retire. Or at least go pick on some other central character for a while.

JEZ:
Ah. Bribery. [NODS] That I can understand.

RAVIRN:
Writers are all about the shiny, right? It’s pretty much a given that if they didn’t have bills and deadlines focusing their attentions, they’d keep getting distracted.

JEZ:
Some writers manage to get distracted, even with the deadlines and bills. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Hear that, Kessler?

JACKIE:
[OFF CAMERA] You want me to write this short story about you, or you want to just bitch some more?

JEZ:
[MUTTERS] Bless me, one day she’ll actually write that [BLEEP] story, and then she won’t have anything to hang over my head. [COUGHS] Last question: Half empty or half full?

RAVIRN:
Time to get a bigger bottle, because there’s clearly space for more single malt in that glass. [SMILES] Which is to say, I like what I’m drinking so far, but there’s definitely room for bigger portions.

JEZ:
Mmm. I love a challenge. Hang on, sweetie–after I wrap this up, you and me are going bar hopping.

RAVIRN:
Have I mentioned that I love this show?

JEZ:
[WINKS] You can tell me again and again.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to the star of Kelly McCullough’s WEB MAGE series…Ravirn!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t the scrumptious Ravirn. But it is his Dear Creator, Kelly McCullough. Apparently, hiding.]

The WEB MAGE series includes:

WEB MAGE
CYBERMANCY
CODE SPELL
MYTHOS
And in June 2010: SPELLCRASH

You can get the books at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Mysterious Galaxy, Flights of Fantasy, other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse. Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
I’ve been crushing on our next guest ever since WICKED GAME debuted last year. The new book, BAD TO THE BONE, scored a starred Publisher’s Weekly review, which is a very huge deal. Says PW: “In Smith-Ready’s espionage farce sequel to 2008’s Wicked Game, Ciara Griffin and her vampire DJs face another threat to their Maryland radio station 94.3 WVMP, the Lifeblood of Rock ’n’ Roll. When the Family Action Network (FAN) disrupts WVMP’s Halloween broadcast by pirating their signal and jamming it with antivampire rhetoric, Ciara swears revenge. Under the aegis of the International Agency for the Control and Management of Undead Corporeal Entities, Ciara turns spy and infiltrates the cult’s fortress, armed with her wits and her vampire-healing “antiholy” blood. Aiding her are a crew of hip vamp buddies and vampire dog Dexter, whom she rescues after finding him chained to a cross outside a FAN enclave. Smith-Ready pours plenty of fun into her charming, fang-in-cheek urban fantasy, which frequently skirts the edge of parody.”

Boys and girls, say hello to one of the stars of Jeri Smith-Ready’s WVMP series…the vampire DJ, Shane McAllister!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Shane!

SHANE:
Hey, Jez. Thanks for having me on your show.

JEZ:
Thrilled you’re here, sweetie.

SHANE:
Your studio is pretty kickin’. It’s always nice to get out of my own little box, safe and opaque as it is. [CHECKS WATCH, LOOKS NERVOUSLY AT WINDOW]

JEZ:
Heh. Loving the way you fill out those ripped jeans, by the way.

SHANE:
They’re one of a kind. Jeans don’t really break in until they’re about three years old. By that point, you know each other like best friends. Also, they get those nice vents in the knees.

JEZ:
Me, I prefer when men wear chaps. Minus the jeans.

SHANE:
Uh, yeah. Thanks for the image. So a lotta people buy pre-worn, pre-ripped jeans, but that’s just bull[BLEEP]. That’s like buying a mail-order bride. You gotta work for that level of comfort and happiness.

JEZ:
Avid Fans, now might be a good time to mention that Shane is a man of the 1990s. Literally. So, sweetie, what goes against your fashion sensitivities?

SHANE:
It’s not a matter of fashion, it’s about comfort. So by this point I only own one or two ties, hidden in the back of the closet. I used to wear tuxedos all the time when I was a wedding DJ, and I swore I’d never wear another tux until the day I got married.

JEZ:
Mmm. Hopefully, it’ll be a long, long time before we see you in a tux.

SHANE:
Let’s see, what else. I can’t remember the last time I used a comb. Those things just destroy your hair, anyway.

MEL:
GIVE ME DOWN TO THERE, HAIR. SHOULDER LENGTH OR LONGER.

JEZ:
Mel agrees. Can’t comb those ringlets of hers. What other can’ts do you have, Shane?

SHANE:
I can’t wear hats. Every hat makes me look like Kid Rock.

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So, for those listeners who aren’t familiar with BAD TO THE BONE, give us a one-line description.

SHANE:
Whoa, one line? Ciara’s more of the marketing maven, but I’ll give it a shot.

JEZ:
Good man.

SHANE:
In BAD TO THE BONE, Ciara and I fight a bunch of extremist whack jobs who hijack our station’s signal and try to set us on fire, and in our spare time we try to figure out all this relationship stuff, while taking care of our new vampire dog.

JEZ:
Hmm.

SHANE:
OK, that hook sucked. How about “Semi-reformed con artist and her OCD vampire boyfriend take on stake-wielding, torch-tossing [BLEEP]heads”?

JEZ:
Love it!

SHANE:
[SCOFFS] Yeah, Hollywood’ll be calling any minute now.

JEZ:
Don’t skip ahead, sweetie. That question’s later. What’s the worst thing about your situation in the book?

SHANE:
Geez, where to start? Those nutjobs would interrupt our broadcast whenever a woman was on the air—whether it was a recording artist or Regina, our female DJ. She got even harder to live with than usual, because she had nothing to do for weeks but simmer.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

SHANE:
Plus I had to take her shift, since none of the other DJs understood her music. She’d sit there in the booth with me, tell me what to play and what to say. Like I don’t know my punk and Goth? I grew up with that stuff. Okay, technically, I grew up with hair metal, a fact that Regina never fails to point out every day, but after college I went back and learned all about punk.

JEZ:
Great stuff. I loved the 1980s. Missed most of the 1990s, due to a little…misunderstanding Below. My former job wasn’t very forgiving of mistakes. But it sounds like that was the worst thing for you: job-related insanity.

SHANE:
Not even close. After Dexter the dog got Ciara evicted, she went to live with David.

JEZ:
[SCANS NOTES] David. The station manager. Got it.

SHANE:
That drove me [BLEEP]ing crazy, knowing their bedrooms were literally feet apart. They’re both too decent to ever let things get…you know.

JEZ:
Heh. I do indeed.

SHANE:
But he’s got that human thing going for him. I can’t give her that.

JEZ:
Oh sweetie, trust me. The human thing can be very overrated. [SLIDES CLOSER] So tell us some of the good stuff that happens to you in BAD TO THE BONE.

SHANE:
Finally shacking up with Ciara.

JEZ:
[SLIDES AWAY] Oh goodie.

SHANE:
I hope that doesn’t count as a spoiler.

JEZ:
Nah. If it did, our Spoilalert would have sounded. Right, Mel?

MEL:
[CHECKS SPOILALERT; GIVES JEZEBEL A THUMBS UP]

SHANE:
I love not having to leave her at five in the morning to keep from catching myself on fire. I love sleeping beside her. I love knowing that ‘home’ is where she is.

JEZ:
How lovely.

SHANE:
And in the book, there was this one night, she came to the studio while I was on the air and…

JEZ:
[PERKS UP] And?

SHANE:
Nah, I probably oughta just let you read about it.

JEZ:
[SIGHS] Fine, fine. Get a girl worked up, why don’t you? What’s one ridiculous thing that happens in the book?

SHANE:
That’s an easy one. See, there’s this inherent discord between me and Ciara. She grew up sort of a nomad, traveling across the country with her fake faith-healer parents. Never put down roots, never had a stable home.

JEZ:
[NODS] So she’s afraid of trust and commitment.

SHANE:
It’s not that. She doesn’t know how to load a dishwasher.

JEZ:
Hah! Okay, spill. You and Ciara. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

SHANE:
[CHUCKLES] It depends on the prevailing mood.

JEZ:
Ooh!

SHANE:
That’s all I’ll say. Despite appearances, I am a gentleman.

JEZ:
Aw. Well then, what’s your romantic fantasy?

SHANE:
Um. [FOLDS ARMS; UNCROSSES AND CROSSES LEGS, ANKLE AT THE KNEE] Are guys supposed to talk about this? I mean, I’m allegedly Mr. Sensitivity and all, but even I have my limits.

JEZ:
Since when does “supposed to” stop a sexy beast like you?

SHANE:
It’s not a fantasy. More like a secret plan. You’ll all know when it comes true. [PAUSES] If it comes true.

JEZ:
Got to have faith, Shane. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

SHANE:
[BLANK LOOK] You don’t usually interview men, do you?

JEZ:
Sweetie, you’d be stunned by some of the answers I get. From men and women.

SHANE:
Well, since you asked, chocolate to vampires tastes like that paste we used to use in elementary school. Remember that stuff they’d give us before they’d trust us with glue?

JEZ:
Is it anything like massage oil?

SHANE:
Um, no, not the better massage oil brands. I guess you wouldn’t remember paste, since you didn’t grow up as a human.

JEZ:
Skipped right past the pimple stage. Just lucky that way.

SHANE:
Very lucky. So no contest. Sex is better than chocolate, before and after death.

JEZ:
Mmm. I love it when a man is so…decisive. So, in BAD TO THE BONE, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jeri, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

SHANE:
Mostly we’re in sync, at least by the final draft—she puts some absolutely senseless [BLEEP] into those first drafts.

JEZ:
Heh. Must be a Creator thing.

SHANE:
But there was one scene in BAD TO THE BONE where I hated the rule about older vampires being so much stronger than younger ones. A certain hippie really needed his ass kicked.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about BAD TO THE BONE?

SHANE:
[GLANCES AROUND; LEANS CLOSE TO JEZEBEL] I would’ve had the Steelers lose that game to the Ravens.

JEZ:
You are such a tease. You know that, right?

SHANE:
I know, it’s total blasphemy for a fan like me, and it would mean changing the course of real human events. But at least David would’ve kept his clothes on.

JEZ:
Wait. Say what now?

SHANE:
Next question.

JEZ:
Yeah. You’re definitely a tease. Mm, mm, mm. [CLEARS THROAT] If you could make Jeri do anything, what would it be?

SHANE:
I would make her tell me and Ciara what’s coming up in the next book, BRING ON THE NIGHT. Usually, we know all about it ahead of time because it’s already happened to us. But this one takes place in Spring 2010, so we have no clue. Which makes me nervous. I think big things are going to happen, and not all of them good.

JEZ:
Oh, sweetie. My condolences.

MEL:
[PUTS ON FUNERAL DIRGE]

JEZ:
Come on now, Mel. It could be better than that.

MEL:
[CHANGES CDs—PUTS ON DEPECHE MODE’S “WAITING FOR THE NIGHT TO FALL”]

JEZ:
On that note, tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

SHANE:
I’d repeal the Telecommunications Act of 1996. It let big conglomerates buy up as many radio stations as they wanted. That’s why all the stuff you hear on most radio stations sounds the same.

JEZ:
Yeah, I remember getting the memo about that. One of the major demons of Greed got a huge promotion because of that…

SHANE:
I can believe it. It’s not just annoying and depressing for music lovers, it’s dangerous. You know that emergency broadcast system, the one that plays the booooooooooop! noise every once in a while?

JEZ:
Sure.

SHANE:
Well, there was a chemical spill in North Dakota a few years ago, and the 911 people told everyone to tune into the local radio station for emergency information. But guess what? No one was there. The company that owned all six stations in Minot was broadcasting a canned radio show from another city! Someone died because of it. [BLEEP]ers.

JEZ:
Ouch.

SHANE:
Sorry, I don’t mean to get on a soapbox, but that’s why we need stations like WVMP. Not just for great music, but in case some major emergency ever happened in Sherwood. [HORROR CROSSES HIS FACE] Oh, [BLEEP]. I hope I didn’t just give Jeri any ideas.

JEZ:
Not that a little emergency every now and then can’t be fun…What about in the publishing world? Would you change anything there?

SHANE:
[COUGHS] I think I’ve said enough about media consolidation. I won’t bite that hand.

JEZ:
Smart lad. If BAD TO THE BONE goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

SHANE:
Ciara answered that one when you interviewed her. I bow to her wisdom. And like she said, they can make me from Belfast instead of Youngstown if they want. One urban war zone is pretty much the same as the rest.

JEZ:
Nice. So I understand that people can contact you and Ciara directly, not just go through your Dear Creator. Is that right?

SHANE:
[NODS] Ciara got me into Twitter, and at first I thought it was lame, but now I love it. Sometimes I do live-tweets of my show’s rebroadcast. I post links to the songs so people can listen along, and I add DJ-type remarks, as much as will fit in 140 characters. Eventually I’m going to do a live show and take requests. I play some new music, but mostly late eighties/early nineties indie and alternative. On Twitter I’m http://twitter.com/ShaneMcAllister and Ciara is http://twitter.com/CiaraGriffin. We’re also on MySpace, but like a lot of people, we hardly ever go there anymore.

JEZ:
Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

SHANE:
Can that day be the Super Bowl?

JEZ:
Er. Sorry, no. (Hey, even Hell has rules.)

SHANE:
Oh. In that case, I would cast a spell that would simultaneously slam a two-by-four into the face of every man who ever hit a woman.

JEZ:
How…heroic.

SHANE:
Wait, does that count as evil, or is it just Batman-style vigilantism?

JEZ:
Batman, definitely. Although I’d pay good money to see you in that latex nipple suit that George Clooney wore…

SHANE:
That good money would have to go toward making me unconscious. Remember what I said about comfort? Speaking of Batman, Ciara thinks Christian Bale should play David in our movie. Now you know why I regret that Steelers game.

JEZ:
[THUMBS THROUGH BAD TO THE BONE TO GET TO PART WHERE DAVID IS NAKED, BOOKMARKS PAGE] I wouldn’t worry, Shane.

SHANE:
If my Two-By-Four of Righteousness isn’t evil enough, I could throw in the guy who invented Muzak. Or his closest male relative, if he’s already dead.

JEZ:
Heh. Done.

Avid Fans, give another hotter than hot round of applause to one of the stars of Jeri Smith-Ready’s latest novel, BAD TO THE BONE…Shane McAllister!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t the yummy Shane McAllister. But it is his Dear Creator, Jeri Smith-Ready.]

You can buy WICKED GAME and BAD TO THE BONE at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time: love your inner demon.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse has precious little patience for foolishness. But that doesn’t stop us from interviewing him!

MEL:
WHAT KIND OF FOOL AM I?

JEZ:
Leading question, Mel.

Says Romantic Times in its Top Pick 4.5-star review: “Hendrix created a fantastic concept when she brought the Immortal Brotherhood series to life. Part Ladyhawk, all enthralling, the second installment, based on the Robin Hood legend, has passion, adventure, history and characters you’ll treasure. It’s a winner!”

Mmm. Robin Hood. Now there’s a man who knows that women go crazy for good-guy bad guys. Avid Fans, give a huge round of applause to the star of Lisa Hendrix’s new novel, IMMORTAL OUTLAW…Steinarr the Proud!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Steinarr!

STEINARR:
My ladies. I hope the day finds you both well.

JEZ:
Ooh. Chivalry. Nice. So I hear your book is pretty cool.

STEIN:
Cool? I assure you, any book about me will not lack heat!

JEZ:
Heh. Oh, sweetie, this is going to be fun. How about a single line describing IMMORTAL OUTLAW, for those who don’t know the book?

STEIN:
I like the one my creator’s publisher wrote. “For centuries he’s hidden in the woods. Now a maid has come to lead him out.”

JEZ:
Ooooh!

STEIN:
For that is what happened, thanks be to Odin. But here is another, slightly more revealing version that suits me, as well. “Lured by Marian’s kisses, Steinarr finds himself at the center of a growing outlaw legend. But a dark sorceress gathers her magic to destroy them. How can he protect the maid he so desperately wants for his own?”

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] OOOH!

STEIN:
And I do want her, beyond reason. Beyond life itself.

JEZ:
So have you really been hiding in the woods for centuries? Or is that just a euphemism for being celibate?

STEIN:
I have spent much of the last four hundreds of years in the forests of this accursed land of England, trying to avoid being caught and tortured by those who do not understand the curse that the sorceress Cwen laid upon me and the others, condemning us to these half lives.

MEL:
CURSES. FOILED AGAIN.

JEZ:
Tell us more about the evil whammy Cwen laid on you.

STEIN:
For myself, I am a man during the day and a lion by night, so dangerous that I cannot linger near other men.

JEZ:
Hmm. That doesn’t sound too bad, truth be told…

STEIN:
Have you ever been a lion?

JEZ:
Can’t say as I have.

STEIN:
It is all ridiculous, or would be, if the beast were not so foully dangerous. And if it did not pain me so to change. Each dusk as I shift from man to animal, claws split my fingertips, my body deforms to become a lion’s, hair and mane sprout from my skin, fangs tear through my jaw. The agony is terrible, and it repeats at dawn as I shift back to man. And so it has gone, twice each day, for all these four hundreds of years.

JEZ:
Yeah, that would be a curse, all right.

STEIN:
[NODS] Now I find myself saddled with this annoying, enchanting female who has set my world on its head.

JEZ:
Heh. Ah, true love…

STEIN:
But the worst of it? That I cannot pass even a single night in her arms and have no prospect of ever doing so. Aye, of all the things I have suffered since Cwen cursed us, that is the worst by far.

JEZ:
Aw. Poor sweetie. Is everything doom and gloom in the book?

STEIN:
There was very little good at all, but now, suddenly, there is Marian, and though I did not realize it at the outset, she has brought all good with her.

JEZ:
Details, please.

STEIN:
Imagine it: living in the forest deep, alone, with no friend but your horse, who is also a man during the time when you are animal. Dangerous to all, even to that solitary friend.

JEZ:
I am going to be a good former demon and not make a joke about bestiality. Nope. Not me.

STEIN:
And then a fair stranger comes along and offers herself to you in exchange for your aid. Offers herself fully, when you have not had a woman at all for two years, and have had naught but whores for centuries.

MEL:
GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT.

STEIN:
‘Tis your task, your privilege, to escort her, alone, all over Nottinghamshire, and ’tis your reward to enjoy her body whenever you wish. [SMILES] Could there be anything better?

JEZ:
Enough with the foreplay. Tell us all about you and Marian. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

STEIN:
I love nothing more than to pull my Marian atop me and watch her use me as she finds her pleasure. [GRINS] Except perhaps to taste her and listen to her moan.

JEZ:
[FANS SELF] Now that’s what I’m talking about! You obviously have the sex covered. But what about the romance? What’s your romantic fantasy?

STEIN:
That night I mentioned. A whole, blessed night in Marian’s arms would please me more than any particular act.

JEZ:
Awwww.

MEL:
LOVE ME TENDER.

STEIN:
Besides, it is Marian who has the imagination and the desire to try all. [SMILES WRYLY] Perhaps you should ask her what would most please her. That is what I do, each time. She always has most interesting ideas, and a willingness that excites me beyond measure.

JEZ:
So inquiring minds want to know: where did a maid learn such naughty things?

STEIN:
[CHUCKLES] Well, that would be giving away too much.

JEZ:
Fair enough. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

STEIN:
What is chocolate, and how could it possibly compare with sex?

JEZ:
Oh, sweetie. Stick around after the show. I’m taking you out for some Godiva. And I’m not talking nudes on horses. Although we can do that too. In IMMORTAL OUTLAW, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Lisa sweetie, what in the name of Hel are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

STEIN:
I am a warrior. I can bear anything. But if I had been able to reach out of the pages, I would have slit her throat for what she put Ari and young Robin through.

JEZ:
Oooh, violence! If you had your way, what would you change about IMMORTAL OUTLAW?

STEIN:
My story is what it is. There is nothing that could be changed.

JEZ:
Very Zen of you. If you could make Lisa do anything, what would it be?

STEIN:
I would be most grateful if she would kill Cwen. But knowing the ways of this dark sorceress, I fear my creator has no more power than I in that regard.

JEZ:
[NODS] Yeah, when it comes to magic, all bets are off.

STEIN:
I would also make her write more quickly, so that my companions could have their chance at happiness sooner.

JEZ:
You’re just a softie under all those delicious muscles, aren’t you? If IMMORTAL OUTLAW goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

STEIN:
I do not know what the Holly-Wood is, but my creator says a man called Ewan MacGregor could pass for me in a play, for he resembles me a little and knows how to wield a sword.

JEZ:
Very nice! What about Marian? Who would take her part in a play?

STEIN:
Marian would be well played by Naomi Watts, who nearly matches her in beauty –though from the picture I was shown, this Naomi’s breasts are too small and would not fill my hand as I like.

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

STEIN:
Ari would be played by Simon Baker, who is very nearly his twin in all regards. And Torvald bears a strong resemblance to the player called Paul Bettany.

JEZ:
All terrific selections. Last question: if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

STEIN:
I have seen too much of evil to want any part of it. But if the gods would grant me the power to overcome Cwen, I would accept it with thanks and make great sacrifices to honor them.

JEZ:
Well put indeed!

Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the hero of Lisa Hendrix’s latest novel, IMMORTAL OUTLAW… Steinarr the Proud!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t the delectable Steinarr. But it is his Dear Creator, Lisa Hendrix.]

You can get IMMORTAL OUTLAW at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy and other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time: love your inner demon!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZEBEL:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse is someone I’ve been wanting to talk to for a long, long time. She and I aren’t sisters — we come from completely different canons, for one thing; for another, she’s totally prissy — but we do share a Dear Creator. And that makes us family. Of course, considering who my father is, I’m betting that beneath her cool exterior, she’s got serious issues. [GRINS] Ah, family.

“Not since Good Omens by Gaiman and Pratchett has a co-authored novel come across as seamless as Black and White does,” says Preternatural Reviews. “Jet and Iridium’s multifaceted relationship will appeal to all who have come to want more from their superheroes than good vs. evil and mindless battles,” declares Publishers Weekly. And from The Book Smugglers: “What could one possibly add to the superheroes’ lore that hasn’t already been done in comics?…Could Black and White offer something fresh to the genre? In one word: yes.”

Avid Fans, boys and girls, superhero fans of all ages…give a standing ovation to one of the two stars of the first book in The Icarus Project…BLACK AND WHITE by Jackie Kessler and Caitlin Kittredge…Jet!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Jet!

JET:
Hello, citizen.

JEZ:
I have to say, it’s so weird having you here. Sort of like looking at my evil twin sister. Except I already have one.

JET:
Yes, I’ve heard a lot about you, as well. [SLIDES BACK IN HER SEAT] That’s an…interesting frock you’re wearing.

JEZ:
What, this old thing? [GRINS] Thanks. I’ve got a shift at Spice after this, so I thought I should dress for work ahead of time. You’re not allergic to latex, are you?

JET:
No.

JEZ:
Besides, my costume has nothing on yours! Loving the curve-hugging black leather! Those goggles are delish! And that cape? To die for.

JET:
Er. Thanks. It’s not leather, really. This is a custom-designed skinsuit, with a Kevlar weave, made for protection and flexibility. The optiframes shield my eyes and allow me to see in the dark.

JEZ:
And the cape?

JET:
[SMILES] I just like it.

MEL:
DRESSED TO KILL.

JET:
What? No, of course not! I would never kill anyone. I’m a hero, not some rabid with no sense of ethics or decency. I –

JEZ:
Relax, sweetie. Mel was just clicheing you on your outfit.

JET:
[SMILES THINLY] Ah. Thank you, citizen.

JEZ:
Okay then, since you’re so uptight, let’s get the hard part out of the way. [GLANCES AT NOTES] So in BLACK AND WHITE, you and your former best friend, Iridium, are now on opposite sides of the law. You’re the do-gooder, obviously. So she’s, what, the evil genius?

JET:
Sadly, yes. It’s a shame. She would have been a terrific hero.

JEZ:
When did you two part ways?

JET:
Fifth year at the Academy.

JEZ:
[ARCHES BROW] Academy?

JET:
Its the Corp-sponsored school where all extrahumans–those of us who have superpowers–go to be trained on how to be a hero. Everything from battle strategy to advanced street fighting to power control to branding. We learn it all.

JEZ:
Sounds phenomenally boring.

JET:
It’s required learning. Enjoyment doesn’t come into play.

JEZ:
Yeah, whatever. [SCANS NOTES] So BLACK AND WHITE has a lot happening in it. Death. Doom. Destruction. Betrayal. Misunderstanding. A big bad evil looking to do big bad things. [GRINS] All that great stuff. What’s the worst thing that happens to you?

JET:
When–in my past, or now? The novel covers both my time at the Academy and me now, as the Hero of New Chicago.

MEL:
CAN’T WE HAVE BOTH?

JEZ:
Ooh. Nice Trading Places quote, Mel!

JET:
Actually…the answer is one and the same. Losing Iri as a friend hurt me more than anything. When you’re a hero, loss is part of your daily life. You lose other soldiers. [SOFTLY] You lose loves. It happens when you put your life on the line again and again. You know you’re going to lose people, even the ones you love, to the fight. But your friends, the ones who know you better than anyone? Those should be with you, always. They shouldn’t turn their back on everything you believe in. [PAUSES] I keep hoping that one day, Iri will return to Corp and the Squadron, and be the hero I know she can be.

JEZ:
Think it’s likely?

JET:
[SMILES] I’m a romance reader. I always hope for happy endings.

JEZ:
Heh. Sweet. So what’s the best thing that happens to you in the book?

JET:
Sam.

JEZ:
[GRINS] Ooh. Details!

JET:
Samson is my first true love. We were at the Academy together.

JEZ:
And??? Come on, details!

JET:
It is not your concern.

JEZ:
Sweetie, when it comes to love and lust, it’s always my concern.

JET:
This interview is over.

JEZ:
Whoa! Sit down, sit down. Okay, I won’t ask you any burning questions about Sam. [SMILES SLYLY] Any other men we should know about?

JET:
Well. Um. There’s Bruce. My Runner — a personal assistant, if you will.

JEZ:
And does he assist you, say, with full-body massages?

JET:
[BLUSHES HUGELY]

JEZ:
Hah! So who’s on top? You or Bruce?

JET:
[FLUSTERED] I don’t see how that’s any of your business…

JEZ:
Or maybe there are other preferred positions?

JET:
[MUTTERS] Ops, if you hear me, I am going to hurt you for setting up this interview.

OPS:
Get the stick out of your ass and try to have a good time, Jetster. Lighten up.

JET:
I’ll hurt you a lot. In many creative ways.

JEZ:
Okay, okay. I’ll dial it down a notch. What’s your romantic fantasy?

JET:
Well. Um. It’s not glamorous or anything. But it would be nice to just take off the costume and be just Joan Greene, and be with someone who loves me for who I am, not for what I do.

JEZ:
Aw. I think someone needs a hug.

JET:
Touch me, and I’ll break your arm.

JEZ:
Heh. Alrighty then. I’m pretty sure I already know the answer to this one. What’s better: sex or chocolate?

JET:
Chocolate, of course. I’m only allowed to have that once a month. Sex I can have any time I’m off duty.

JEZ:
Unholy Hell…limiting your chocolate? That’s just [BLEEP].

JET:
Corp-mandated food programs. They have our health in their best interest.

JEZ:
Uh…right. So, in BLACK AND WHITE, were there any times…huh. Hang on a second. BLACK AND WHITE is written by Jackie Kessler and Caitlin Kittredge, right?

JET:
Right.

JEZ:
So who wrote about you?

JET:
Well, Jackie wrote the chapters that are in my point of view. But I appear in many of Caitlin’s chapters. I suppose Jackie has creative control when it comes to me, just like Caitlin does of Iridium.

JEZ:
Ah. So were there any points in BLACK AND WHITE when you were like, Jackie, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Dear Creator in sync the whole time?

JET:
I’m a good Squadron soldier. I have a job to do, and I do it to the best of my ability. I never question my duty. And duty comes first. Always.

JEZ:
So…you wouldn’t change anything that happens to you in BLACK AND WHITE?

JET:
Light, of course I would! Iri and I would still be best friends. Things would have been different for me and Sam. My father wouldn’t have been insane. My mother would still be alive. And I’d have a power that didn’t threaten to engulf me, body and soul. [PAUSES] Not that I’m complaining. I don’t complain.

JEZ:
Of course not. [SLIDES OVER A BOX OF CHOCOLATE] Here. On the house.

JET:
Thanks.

JEZ:
If you could make Jackie do anything, what would it be?

JET:
She’d be exercising every day, twice a day. And she’d follow a sensible eating plan. Having two full-time jobs is no excuse for physical laziness.

JEZ:
Heh. See, you’re much nicer than I am. I’d make her deal with all the [BLEEP] that I have to go through, see how she handles it.

JET:
Why would I wish that upon her? She doesn’t have any powers. She’d probably get killed if she had to fight rabids and criminals.

JEZ:
Your point?

JET:
My. You are quite the former demon, aren’t you?

JEZ:
Hey, it’s in my nature. If you could change anything in the real world, what would it be?

JET:
There would be no crime or lawlessness.

JEZ:
[PERKS UP] So you’re saying you’d do away with free will?

JET:
What? No, of course not.

JEZ:
But if you take away a person’s choice on whether or not to commit an act of evil, you’re taking away their free will.

JET:
[SPLUTTERS] I am doing no such thing. Stop twisting around my words.

JEZ:
[SMILES] Sounds like I already know what your evil power would be…

JET:
Now listen…

JEZ:
Ahem. If BLACK AND WHITE went the way of Hollywood, who would play you? What about Iri?

JET:
What, those old 2-D flatties? If you’re going to pick such an old technology, I suppose it would have to be someone from the past. For me, Hayden Panettiere or perhaps Christina Ricci, but blonde. For Iridium? Mary Louise Parker. But taller. And more athletic. And with the classic Snow White coloring. And, obviously, evil.

JEZ:
Heh. Obviously. So seriously now. If you were evil, what would you do with your shadow powers?

JET:
Many people think my powers already are evil. And after the way they warped my father, I think they may be right. [SMILES] If I ever go crazy, I’ll be sure to look you up and give you an answer.

JEZ:
How…charming.

Boys and girls, give another huge round of applause to one of the two stars of Jackie Kessler and Caitlin Kittredge’s BLACK AND WHITE…Jet!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Jet. But it is her Dear Creator, with newly highlighted hair — Jackie Kessler!]

You can buy BLACK AND WHITE at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Flights of Fantasy, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent booksellers, Chapters, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Stay tuned for our next interview, which will be with Iridium! Until then, remember: love your inner demon. And, um, do-gooder. Bye!