JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome once again to Cat and Muse, the only Internet talk-radio show (that we know of) that’s run by and about fictional characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the cliché-speaking, pop-culture-referencing producer of Cat and Muse…the Muse of Tragedy, Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Hey, Publishers Weekly refers to our next guest on Cat and Muse as “lusty.” Sweet! As if I need any other accolades to make me want him—ah, want to interview him. But because I am the quintessential professional, more background: Publishers Weekly calls THE SINGER’S CROWN an “engaging fantasy debut,” and Booklist says “this is a very well-done first novel that keeps one happily turning its pages.”

Boys and girls, give a hotter than hot welcome to the lusty star of Elaine Isaak’s latest novel, THE EUNUCH’S HEIR…Prince Wolfram!

[APPLAUSE]

Helllllllo, Wolfram!

WOLF:
Hey, Jezebel. It’s a great to meet you in the flesh.

JEZ:
Oh bless me, the things we can do in the flesh… [COUGHS] So, a reckless prince—that’s you—stands alone between his kingdom and its sorcerous ruin. No pressure there. What’s the worst thing that happens to you?

WOLF:
See, this is the part I hate.

JEZ:
What is?

WOLF:
We’ve only just met, and already I’m losing your respect.

JEZ:
No, really, it’s just one of the questions—

WOLF:
I’m cursed. Really. Our goddess spoke through her prophet, and he not only let me know, he’s been rubbing my face in it for years. But he’s perfect and I’m. . . not.

JEZ:
Okay, deep breath, sweetie. Listen, I’ve met a fair share of goddesses in my time, and let me tell you, most of them have an extremely [BLEEP] up sense of humor. I bet you’re not cursed. I bet she was just [BLEEP] with you.

WOLF:
[SNORTS] I’m the one who figures out we’re being set up for the return of these heathen gods, but nobody believes me, because of the curse.

JEZ:
Ah. I didn’t realize that “Wolfram” means “Cassandra” in your native tongue.

WOLF:
Let’s just say, I haven’t been leading a stellar life up until then. I mean, what’s the point of trying to do the right thing when everyone already believes you’re evil?

JEZ:
Er, not that there’s anything wrong with being evil…

WOLF:
I’ve been having a lot of fun, sure—a LOT of fun, and maybe trying to piss of my mother a bit. I thought I was on top of it all. I had this former whore for a lover, older than me, but whoa, does she know what she’s doing, right?

JEZ:
Heh. I bet she does. [WINKS]

WOLF:
But in fact, the world is set to come crashing down around me—literally, as it turns out. I found out Asenith is pregnant, and she knows who I am, and I finally sobered up enough to realize she’s known all along, and she set me up for this.

JEZ:
[FLIPS THROUGH CUE CARDS] Wait a sec, Asenith is…

WOLF:
[STILL TALKING] I shouldn’t have been surprised when somebody tried to kill me that same night, because Asenith wants revenge on my mother for some [BLEEP] that happened years ago—

JEZ:
Damn it, Mel, I don’t have who Asenith is on my cue cards!

MEL:
[PULLS OUT LAPTOP, DOES GOOGLE SEARCH]

WOLF:
[STILL TALKING]—and her giving birth to the heir would be pretty sweet.

JEZ:
Okay, so Asenith is the whore? Right? And you knocked her up?

WOLF:
[STILL TALKING] It wasn’t until I hooked up with Melody that I started to uncover the rest of Asenith’s plan.

JEZ:
Wait, now. Seriously, stop. STOP! Melody? Who’s that?

WOLF:
[PATIENTLY] The prophet’s sister.

JEZ:
Um, okay, the dude who let you know in the first place that you’re cursed. Got it. And Asenith?

MEL:
[READING FROM GOOGLE RESULT] THE FORMER USURPER’S DAUGHTER, ASENITH, HIS MOTHER’S BITTER ENEMY.

JEZ:
All righty. The whore was really a plant, and now she’s preggers. So, Asenith’s evil plan is…?

WOLF:
She has this old friend from Hemijrai, a priestess, who is bringing an army over to trash the kingdom, once their gods are reborn.

JEZ:
Yep, I’d say that qualifies as an evil plan.

WOLF:
Of course, I’m not the most dutiful son, or the most trustworthy witness.

JEZ:
The whole “you’re cursed and trying to piss Mom off” thing, huh?

WOLF:
[SHRUGS] Mom’s convinced I’m the one who wants to bring her down. It’s not until I could be dead that she starts to understand what I was talking about.

JEZ:
Mother issues. Gotcha.

WOLF:
But the absolute worst was sitting in the dungeon, everybody thinking I’m a rapist, knowing that my whole world could come to an end, and I was totally helpless to stop it. Well, not quite helpless, as it turned out.

JEZ:
Man, that sucks. Was there anything good that happened along the way?

WOLF:
Deishima. No doubt.

JEZ:
Ooh. Details!

WOLF:
She’s got this. . .this power in herself, like she’s full of grace and knowing, a kind of serenity that a guy like me can long for and never touch. To this day, I don’t know what she saw in me or why she decided to help me out. I used to have this temper—I could take your head off for the slightest thing—and she recognized what was happening.

JEZ:
Sounds like she was a real angel.

WOLF:
Quite frankly, if it hadn’t been for her, I might have let the kingdom go. Let my parents sink, and Asenith and the baby—everyone who ever hurt me. But it would have meant letting her die, too, and I couldn’t do that. I’ve been fighting all my life, and she gave me someone worth fighting for.

JEZ:
Awwwww.

WOLF:
Sweet Lady, I sound like such a sap.

JEZ:
Heh. Yeah. It’s rather adorable.

WOLF:
Who would’ve thought monogamy might suit me? Then I take a look at you, and I’m not so sure.

JEZ:
Ooh! Is that an offer?

WOLF:
[LAUGHS] Joking, joking.

JEZ:
So…cloistered virgins no longer do it for you? [GRINS]

WOLF:
[SMILES] It is ironic—a jerk like me going nuts over this cloistered virgin and risking everything for her. But no, Deishima’s the only one for me.

JEZ:
What is it about Deishima that blinds you to all other women?

WOLF:
Deishima is so slender that I can carry her with one arm. I was a stone-carver for a while, so I’ve got the muscles, and she’s just tiny and perfect. Sometimes when we dance, I sweep her up against me, so her feet aren’t touching the ground. It gives a guy ideas, dancing like that.

JEZ:
Ooh. You like dancers? You know that I’m a professional dancer, don’t you?

MEL:
FOCUS POWER.

JEZ:
[COUGHS] Right, sorry. Pray continue. Deishima being all that. Who’s on top? Like I even have to ask?

WOLF:
[SMILES] The castle is pretty drafty, so we have these tapestries hanging everywhere, pretty cushy. She wraps her legs around me, and I get her up against the nearest wall. We could go all day like that.

JEZ:
Heh. I bet.

WOLF:
A couple of years ago, she commissioned new rugs and tapestries for the castle, sort of symbolizing the union of our peoples. But that’s not all they’re uniting…and they’re 100 percent silk.

JEZ:
Ah. You’re a man who enjoys silk sheets. Good to know.

WOLF:
Bury me, I hope she’s not listening.

JEZ:
Oh, don’t worry. It’s sweet. What’s your romantic fantasy?

WOLF:
The other thing about Deishima—the first thing, really, is her hair. It’s as long as she is tall, thick and black. It looks almost purplish, sometimes, in the moonlight. So my fantasy…definitely a full-moon night. Outside, maybe on the top of the king’s tower. We’d bring one of those new rugs along. And she would start by sweeping her hair all over me, every inch of my skin, even the scars.

JEZ:
Ooh!

MEL:
[PUTS ON BARRY WHITE CD]

WOLF:
I’d like to think I would be a gentleman and kiss her everywhere she likes me to, but I might not be able to hold off that long.

JEZ:
OOH!

MEL:
[FANS SELF]

WOLF:
You need to let me know when this airs so I can make sure she’s too busy to listen.

JEZ:
Hee. You’re really adorable. You know that, don’t you? Which is better: sex or chocolate?

WOLF:
Seriously, you have to ask?

JEZ:
Actually, yeah. It’s in my contract. So, in THE EUNUCH’S HEIR, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Elaine, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

WOLF:
Okay, take a look at this face.

JEZ:
And a gorgeous face it is. Me, I’m into scars.

WOLF:
I had to do it—I had to get between the tiger and the girl, but really. I used to be a decent archer, and now I can’t shoot for [BLEEP]. Like Elaine couldn’t leave me the eye?

JEZ:
Creators can be treacherous beasts. Believe me, I know. Mine killed me. And then the trouble really began.

WOLF:
The scary thing is, Elaine tells everyone I’m her favorite—me, the ass who made his own mother so furious she threw him in the dungeon.

JEZ:
[LAUGHS] Ouch!

WOLF:
But then you know what her motto is? “You do NOT want to be my hero.” No [BLEEP]. I’m the proof of that one.

JEZ:
You know, considering that your creator is all too happy to go the eunuch route with her leading men, I think you got off easy. [WINKS] So was it really Hell to work with Elaine?

WOLF:
[GRINS] Most of the time, the book was a blast. I’m always getting these crazy ideas, because I don’t care what anybody thinks, and she let me get away with almost everything. I got to rappel down the tower wall, punch out that [BLEEP] Prince Alyn, save the kingdom, and get the girl.

JEZ:
Nice! So it all worked out for you, huh?

WOLF:
I could’ve done without the lies. I mean, look at the freakin’ title, right? Everyone knows the truth about my family except for me. Elaine set me up for some serious falls.

JEZ:
Once again, Creators do that sort of thing. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN]. If you had your way, what would you change about THE EUNUCH’S HEIR?

WOLF:
I’d like to get to know my dad.

JEZ:
If you could make Elaine do anything, what would it be?

WOLF:
[RUBS HANDS GLEEFULLY] Go one-on-one with a tiger. No, make that one-on-eight with some leopards. How about getting locked in the dungeon without food for two days while the guards take bets on whether her own mother will hang her? [SHOUTS] No, wait, how about getting assassinated by her best friend?

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

WOLF:
Just give me a minute here.

JEZ:
Sweetie, take your time!

WOLF:
Okay, I’m better.

JEZ:
You sure?

WOLF:
I’m fine, really. Next question?

JEZ:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

WOLF:
Make love, not war.

JEZ:
Ooh.

MEL:
WAR IS HELL.

WOLF:
I’ve been dragged through the dirt myself, so I know what that’s like, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If someone would’ve listened to me sooner, it could’ve saved a lot of grief all around. There’s a lot of people out there who aren’t being listened to. Listening is the first part of loving someone. I’m not sure you can hate someone once you really know their story.

JEZ:
Unfortunately, it’s all too easy for mortals to hate. Onto happier thoughts: If THE EUNUCH’S HEIR goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie? What about Deishima?

WOLF:
Me? I’m thinking Eric Bana. He’s pretty hot, right?

JEZ:
Bless me, yes.

WOLF:
But they’d have to go to Bollywood to find the kind of sweet and sexy they need for Deishima.

JEZ:
That could be arranged. Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

WOLF:
[LAUGHS] That’s funny. I was offered that kind of power, and I turned it down.

JEZ:
Aw, sweetie. Why’d you do it?

WOLF:
Sometimes, I don’t know what came over me. Like I have a conscience, right?

JEZ:
Heh. Let’s pretend. You can be evil, and you don’t have to worry about anything nasty like your conscience, or the state of your immortal soul. What do you do?

WOLF:
Hmm. Okay, I’d burn Alyn. I’d totally blast him. I know, that would get me in hot water with the Lady, but I think it’d be worth it. I’d like to throw him in a pit someplace and call upon the dark ones to take him down a few notches.

JEZ:
Nice!

WOLF:
Or maybe I could do something more subtle. Make everyone see him for the petty, insecure moron he really is.

JEZ:
The best evils can be the subtle evils. Well done!

Avid Fans, give another round of applause to the star of Elaine Isaak’s THE EUNUCH’S HEIR…Wolfram!

[APPLAUSE]

[No, this isn’t Wolfram. But this is his Dear Creator, Elaine Isaak.]

You can get THE SINGER’S CROWN and THE EUNUCH’S HEIR at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent booksellers, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Cat and Muse! Until next time, remember: love your inner demon.